Apr. 9th, 2012

exhilaration: (me)
This was a bit of a struggle.

One of my issues with spending too much time with my journal is that sometimes I end up talking about things I don't want to talk about, and it kind of ruins my mindset for the rest of the day. I think I've mentioned I've been seeing a therapist - I have been seeing a therapist. Not the PT/OT kind. She is supportive of the "just don't think about it" strategy, something that kind of surprised me. I mean, I really thought therapists were all about digging into your most personal and private sources of distress. Her views, though, seem to click pretty well with what I actually WANT from therapy, which is to get back some control over my thoughts and emotions. I can't have my mind running back into dark corners day in and day out - it makes me miserable. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to say "I just want to think positively!" or some shit like that, but thinking about bad things makes me feel bad, and I want to feel good. I think it is very true that certain unhealthy pathways can get burned into the brain that make it very difficult to climb out of depression, I mean, thhhe brain is a big bundle of nerves. I ALREADY know that nerves can do that - form "bad" (read: painful) pathways that need to be re-routed via electricity or physical disturbance or chemicals or things like that.

So, I mean, there are a lot of things I want to say to a lot of people. It might be therapeutic for me to go through ten things I'd like to say to my mom, for example. But it would take me DAYS to get through it, and it might not help me at all. After all, it's not like I ACTUALLY get to say them. And in this instance, even if she were alive, I know that if I told her those things she would not listen or process them or make any effort to understand them, because I have been encouraged by therapists in the past to "just tell her how it makes me feel" and it didn't work.

So, these are ten letters to various people that I see all the time but would never say these things to.

Ten Letters )

DAY 1: 10 things about you
DAY 2: 10 things you love
DAY 3: 10 things you hate
DAY 4: 10 things you want to say to someone

DAY 5: 10 wishes
DAY 6: 10 items you can't live without
DAY 7: 10 important people
DAY 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words


exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

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