Jun. 18th, 2012

exhilaration: (impossible things)
15. What do you believe in? And not just God or atheism.

Well, I'm not sure what I believe about God or atheism. My dad (and his entire family) are atheists, and my mom was very very Christian. I learned from an early age that different people believe different things. I do believe strongly in the Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do to you) but not so much in karma (what goes around comes around). I don't believe there is a Great Scorecard Of Life where all your deeds and misdeeds are added up to determine your fate in life OR in death - I don't believe your good deeds can grant you eternal life or your bad deeds can condemn you to eternal damnation, and I also don't believe that you get what you deserve in life according to how you live and the choices you make. Sometimes I rephrase it as "instead of what goes around comes around, things just go around and around and around and sometimes you get good stuff and sometimes you get bad stuff." I've given a lot of thought to the concept of "deserve" and eventually I decided that it's really irrelevant (I know, calling things irrelevant makes me sound like I hipster, doesn't it?) because it doesn't matter whether we deserve things or not. They happen or don't happen anyway.

I do try very hard to treat others the way I would want to be treated - I know I often say that it's all about me, or that I am my ultimate priority and that I am a very selfish person, and this is true. I would just prefer to live in a world where everyone treats each other fairly and with respect - it would be better for ME if that's the way the world worked. I can't control other people, but I'd like to think I can control myself, and I believe we're all responsible for doing our part to treat people the way we'd all prefer to be treated. Fate does not step in and even things out for us - we have to do that for ourselves. I believe that is the right way to live.

I believe it's wrong to hold on to anger and resentment - I believe it isn't healthy, and it hurts me in the end, and it doesn't follow what I just said. I wouldn't want someone to resent me forever for a poor choice I made, I would want them to forgive me and move past it. But there's one thing I thing I DO live by that I DON'T believe is right, because it goes against everything I just said I believe. I CANNOT get it out of my head, though. I don't believe in the concept of "deserve," I guess until it comes to this: I hope someday when you need help, someone decides to teach you a lesson instead.

I wish that. There are MANY people I wish that on. I want the people who have hurt me to feel the same hurt for themselves. I want them to slowly lose everything they hold dear, and when they reach out for help, I want them to be told clearly and self-righteously, oh yes, I could help you. It would be very easy, and cause me no inconvenience, but I'm not going to, because you need to learn your lesson, and maybe next time you won't need to ask for help.

And I believe it's wrong for me to want that.

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Lara I.

October 2012

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