exhilaration: (impossible things)
And I'm seriously considering doing it this year.

I used to consider myself quite the writer. Poetry, short stories, essays, novellas, extensive journalling - even papers for school, and then not to mention writing music and trying to make some artwork as well.

I have gotten so far away from that. For a long time I've felt like my creativity has been completely drained - just, gone. Sometimes I talk to people online who I know from my old writing sites, but we have nothing to talk about because... I'm not writing. I did write a couple chapters of fanfic, but I'm not convinced that counts as real creativity. That's more like playing in someone else's sandbox, isn't it? Fun, of course, but also easy, compared to original fiction.

I have probably been depressed my entire life. I've never really questioned that. Sometimes it's really bad and sometimes it's not that bad but it's always been there. I have, however, been vehemently opposed to taking anything for it for years and years and years, because I felt like my first attempt (which I was basically forced into - I was taking the stuff before I even knew I was taking it) killed off all my creative spark and messed with my brain and my emotions. I also felt like it messed with my physical stamina, my ability to concentrate (or care) and my balance. I've had some really shit headshrinkers in my life, whatever, moving on.

I didn't mean to ramble on here, but it looks like I did. Under the cut is about depression. Outside the cut is about writing. You pick your poison. )

I never thought depression dampened my creative drive, though. I thought it just... I don't know, went away. I didn't use it, so... it was gone. But last night at work I was kind of working through some ideas in my head - even wrote a few out - and I think I might want to try it this year, just to get back into the swing of it all. I was getting really excited - I didn't wake up all that excited this morning, but I still remember being excited last night and I still have my notes and stuff, so I'll look them over again.

It might be a really huge ego boost to, you know, try something, and actually SUCCEED. Can I write 50,000 words in a month? I am considering attempting this. I really am. I'm sure I've done it before - I used to write all the time, didn't I?

Didn't I?

Was that me?
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(5 Points) What is the color of my bedroom?: The walls are white, just like all the walls down here. I'll change that eventually - colored walls work wonders for a space, they really, really do.

(5 Points) What is my worst habit?: Procrastination. Self-doubt. Making a mess everywhere. Over-categorizing things, especially people.

(5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island/desolate mountaintop, what would I bring: Ah, this one is easy. SURVIVAL GEAR AND A WAY TO GET HOME! I don't want to be on a freakin' mountain, OR a desert island!

(6 Points) What's the biggest secret I keep from most people? Well, this is a good place for a sarcastic remark, like, mwa ha ha ha, you will never know my secrets!

Bypassing the sarcasm, and assuming I have secrets, of course, I wouldn't be putting them on my livejournal. I'm sure that makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

In real life, there are people that I know and trust and like, and I don't hide anything from them. We've had "spill sessions and the like - we know everything about each other... well, let me correct that. There is one person out there who does know every single thing about me and I know everything about him. Everyone else is a level or two or four or five hundred removed from that.

This person can't stand me and doesn't want anything more to do with me, and this hurts me more than anyone else ever could, I think, because we know each other so entirely. I don't think it's healthy to be thatclose to anyone - I really don't. This isn't just me reacting as someone who's been rejected and doesn't want to take another chance - I'm not the only one who's said this was an unhealthy friendship. When I hear it from someone else, or from several other people, I can take my own assessments a little more seriously.

In my internet life, things are a little different. I didn't start doing it intentionally, but until I started keeping a live journal - well, after I started, really - I kept my disability a secret. I mean, it's not like I said I played soccer and went jogging and to dance clubs and stuff... and it wasn't really keeping a secret, really, because in my early days of the internet I was mostly on creative writing sites, and there was to reason to be talking about myself anyway, unless it pertained to my writing.

But eventually I branched out to chatrooms and stuff, and... it just never came up.

So, livejournal is the first place in the internet I've ever flat out said: I am disabled.

...and it still feels weird to say it. It's still not how I identify myself. I don't deny that I am... it's just not how I think of myself.

It's not something I'd ever have to say to someone in person - why would I, they can see it for themselves, right?

And then once I wrote about it once, I feel like I write about it all the time. Here I am writing about it now. Go figure.

Bonus: I am totally, definitely, disgustingly sick.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(2 Points) Do I have any pets?: I have a peace plant in my living room named Romana. I water her about once a week. She came from the supermarket. I bought her when I first moved here. Does that count?

(1 Point) Am I married?: No. No, and no. Of course not.

(3 Points) What is/was my field of study?: Well, let's see here... there have been many. When I went to community I took mostly general courses. Funny enough, I had a GED and only attended high school for... about one year, total, and when I took my placement tests I did not get placed in any "remedial" classes. In fact, I tested out of composition and I tested out of any language requirements - I did actually take a third level Spanish class, which I thought was very interesting and definitely improved my Spanish hugely, but when I took the language test I had placed out of it. Let's see... I also had to repeat my college algebra class, which is also kind of funny because I took algebra in 8th grade and then had to repeat it in 9th grade. Since I never finished 9th grade, technically I took it again in 10th grade, so I got the beginning of algebra twice. Er, plus the time I had already taken it in 8th grade. So really I took algebra five times before I passed it, since I didn't pass it the first time in community either.

I swear, I really am very, very smart... I don't know what my problem with algebra was... oh wait, I have an idea )

(3 Points) Name something I collect: Come on. You know the answer to this one. I collect refrigerators. In fact, I just received another one. Someone was getting a new one and was like, Lara, don't you collect these, or something weird like that? Do you want this one? Really I collect old and vintage-style fridges, but one modern one won't hurt... Right. So now I have three big ones and a small one. That aren't in use. There is a small one in my kitchen down here that is in use, and there is a big one upstairs that is also in use.

That's it for now.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(2 Points) What is my favorite color?: Yeah you know grey is my favorite color; I felt so symbolic yesterday. If I knew Picasso, I would buy myself a grey guitar and play... My favorite color changes from day to day, by the way, today it's grey.

(2 Points) Name something I hate: My job (see previous and following entries for details, I don't think I can go into more about how much I hate it at this moment)

(2 Points) Name a talent I have: I can sing! I often win at karaoke contests. I often draw applause at karaoke night! When I went to church... I sang at church. When I was in middle school and high school I sang semi-professionally with a youth worship team, we sang at sister churches and local and not-so-local churches of different denominations (we were paid but we gave the money back to the church). When I was in high school, ninth-grade girls were not allowed to join the regular choir or audition for singing groups because there were just too many girls interested in joining, but I did place very high in a blind-audition (they can't see you and don't know who you are or what school you're from) choral contest and would have had a place in a choral concert had I not dropped out of high school. I guess that is one thing I kind of do regret - when you're in the school system, you do have certain opportunities you wouldn't have otherwise. Singing and music in general are things I love, and I don't really have stage fright per se but I am pretty indifferent about performing - it's not one of my loves and definitely wasn't enough to keep me in the school system, so, yeah. Didn't happen.

(2 Points) What's my fave place to shop? SEPHORA. Do you know Sephora? The make-up store? You can get it all there, you know... I don't wear tons of make-up by any means, but I do wear high quality stuff, and it really does make a difference. Something about the particles being finer and more pure - foundation looks smoother and more natural, eyeshadow does not fade or rub off and the shimmer stuff looks... better, I don't know how else to describe it - and putting make-up on is kind of like painting so I think it's fun and I like to do it differently every day... right now I am into the brand Stila, which comes from Italy. They make very nice mascara, I have not had a problem with it running nor have I found it difficult to get off.

(4 Points) What kind of shoes do I wear?: )

And they go with everything. I never wear skirts and I never wear shorts, so, they always work. Very easy.

My other shoes are sneakers. For in case, for whatever reason, I can't wear my Docs. I wore them for physical therapy, stuff like that. Maybe if it's absolutely, completely way too hot to wear my Docs I'll wear the sneaks. But that's about it.

Bonus: I'm definitely sick. Now I have a cough. I'm disgusting. Yay me.
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A few months ago I realized that the site that got me really, really involved in the internet, as opposed to just using AIM to chat with my friends, is gone.

It had been on it's way out for a while, but somehow it never occurred to me that the whole site would just up and disappear. Parts of it started coming up with the error message, and I figured what was happening, but now it's all gone.

Google "The Young Writer's Club." You will not get it, because it's not there.

I used the internet in the mid to late nineties, when I was in middle school, to go to the sites of bands I liked, to email and chat with my friends, and to read vampire slash fic (YES REALLY.)

Around 99-2000 I joined TYWC and my internet use skyrocketed, and so did my creative drive. I wrote stories. I wrote poems. I wrote songs. I participated in debates. And those were some good stories that I wrote - they're gone, too, see, with the site. Dunno what I would do with them, really, stories I wrote when I was a teenager, but they'd be nice to have now. They were saved on my old computer, and at one point I was still carrying around a 3 1/2 floppy disk with all my Word files on it, but neither of my computers even has a floppy drive now, so even if I had the disk, I still couldn't have the files.

Made me kind of sad when the site finally disappeared, even though I haven't been active there in ages.

Then it occurred to me that if googling the site brings up nothing, then googling my net handle won't bring up anything either. And that's a little bit freakin' me out - it's like I disappeared off the history of the internet! My handle was "Lara St. Muerte." Eventually I started using "Lara Inside" instead, because I was starting to move on from that super-goth-everything-is-about-death phase, but, googling "Lara Inside" brought me to something else that's kind a freakin' me out...

What's this? First I was like, hey, there is another Lara Inside out there on the internet, that sucks. Then I was like, hmm, look at those interests, this could almost be me, man, I am so unoriginal! Then I was like, shit! This IS me! What IS this? I didn't make this! I didn't join this!

So, ex.plode.us? It's some kind livejournal compilation site? Or, what? Did anyone else know about this? Did I inadvertently somehow join this? Can I un-join it?

See, this is what I mean about how once in a while I get a little bit shy. I'm fairly open in my journal, I think, but at the same time, it's pretty anonymous. You don't know my last name or my zip code. You don't know my street name or where I work or what kind of car I (don't) drive or what college I (didn't) go to or the name of my high school or school district or the street my parents live on.

So mostly I'm just like, meh, whatever, this is a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Anyone who's interested can read - I think other people's journals are fascinating, I'm just trying to return the favor, I guess is some of it.

But every so often I get this pang of paranoia, like, oh shit, they found my diary hidden under my pillow! or something like that. Even though it's not like that at all. I don't write my secrets in here, hell, I don't have any secrets, really. I mean, I guess I do, but I'm not writing about them here! I'm sure everyone has things they keep completely private, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Actually I have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm going with this.

I should re-title this PAINKILLER INDUCED SCATTERBRAINISM.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(2 Points) Who is my favorite band/artist?: The Foo Fighters. User name should give that one away :P I have a LOT to say about the Foo Fighters. Way too much for one entry. Way too much for five entries! I'm going to do a series of voice posts all about how much I love the Foo Fighters! Just you wait!

(3 Points) Am I shy or outgoing?: Normally, I am not shy. Every so often, though, it sneaks up on me. I'm not afraid to talk to people I don't know. I'm not afraid to start random conversations - I like to talk to people I don't know and start random conversations. I don't have "stage fright" or whatever - I will sing at karaoke night no problem. But every so often I just don't feel like being around crowds of people. Its entirely a mood thing - sometimes I am just not in the mood.

(4 Points) What is my secret 'if I could do anything, money/reality no object' dream?: What do you think I would do if I could do anything?

tough answer, but here it goes... )

Bonus: My job fucking sucks. Nobody likes a hostess.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(2 Points) How many piercings do I have?: Thirteen. Yes really! I have two holes in the bottom of one ear and two in the top. I have three holes in the other ear and two in the top. My lip is pierced, although I hardly ever wear the ring anymore, because I can't wear it at work. The back of my neck is pierced (and that is my favorite piercing). My belly button is pierced. And I have a dermal implant just above where my cleavage would be if I had bigger boobs :P I have been collecting this stuff for quite some time - I would like to have two rings in my eyebrow, but, again, I couldn't wear them at work, so that's pretty much off the list. I'm not interested in piercing my nose or my tongue - I don't think my nose would look good pierced and GOD FORBID I do anything that might make me talk funny! I couldn't tolerate that, even if it was only temporary!

(3 Points) What's my astro sun sign?: I am not even remotely into astrology. It has always seemed bullshit to me. Other people, even people who are known for not believing in "nonsense like that" seem to give it a bit of credit, saying how it can be eerily accurate and stuff, and, for other people, sometimes it is. Never for me. I was born on January 16th, and this makes me (and yes I had to look this up, that is how NOT into astrology I am) a Capricorn. I don't put much stock in that. I've read this description before and decided it was all BS, but here it is: Traditional Capricorn Traits: Practical and prudent, Ambitious and disciplined, Patient and careful, Humorous and reserved. On the dark side.... Pessimistic and fatalistic, Miserly and grudging. I just don't see that as me. AT ALL.

(2 Points) What's my favorite way to relax?: In short, distraction. Getting so absorbed in something I ignore everything else is very relaxing. So, I get the opportunity to relax a lot - drawing, reading, watching TV, listening to people talk, watching people interact, writing - yeah, it's all pretty relaxing as long as I get really into it. I guess if I have it in my head that I'm supposed to be doing something else instead, well, then I can't get completely into it and then it isn't relaxing at all.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(4 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do?: Talk.

What, you didn't know? Lol.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
(2 Points) Do I have any siblings?: Yes

(2 Points) How many?: One.

I have a sister. She is two years younger than I am. I have probably never mentioned her except to say that she has a middle name and I don't. I haven't seen her in a few years and I definitely haven't spoken to her in over two - but it's not how it sounds. We didn't have a huge argument and stop speaking to each other or anything - actually, I did something very, very nice for her, and then we just kind of... got pushed apart, I guess.

My sister and me )

Anyway. In all this mess, I've never contacted my sister, and she's never contacted me. Like I said, we didn't have a fight or anything - shit just happened.

We look alike. She doesn't have pink hair, of course - well, since I haven't seen her in a long time, I assume she doesn't have pink hair. It doesn't seem like something she would do, anyway. But we look a whole lot alike. When we were kids people used to mistake us for twins.

She's taller than me. I don't know, somehow even though I'm the oldest I got the short genes, go figure. She's very smart - like me. And very musical - like me. She's shy - not like me at all, and sweet - also not like me at all :P

If I wanted to call her - I don't have her phone number. I don't know where she works or even where she lives now. So - yeah. That's about that.
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(2 Points) Do I smoke?: Every so often. Not enough to buy my own cigarettes, but I might take one if offered. Probably wouldn't come out and ask to bum one. Every month or so I buy a pack of clove cigarettes - I guess maybe they do count, don't they? But usually people who are "real" smokers don't care for cloves. I probably give away about five out of a pack, so... ok, that's maybe one every other day. It's partly a holdover from my gothy days, perhaps? One, I like them - I like how they taste. Two, I kind of enjoy the act of smoking, also. Gives me something to fiddle with, yah know? I've never felt any type of pull towards cigarettes - never felt like I needed one or even like I wanted one really bad. If I'm really hyped over something, a cigarette might possibly calm me down, but, honestly, I think that goes right back to having something to fiddle with, something to hold, something to do, focus on, you know, instead of whatever's got me freaking out in the first place. Also, something to put in my mouth so I shut up about it :P

I know smoking isn't good for you - but I'm not convinced it's all that bad in small doses.

(2 Points) Do I drink?: I do drink, and I drink often, but not a lot. Usually I have just one drink and just drink it really slowly if I'm out. If I'm at home or staying over at a friend's place, I might, might, just possibly, drink more, but I have to be in the right mood to do something like that, and usually I wake up the next morning hungover and telling myself not to do something like that ever again :P

(2 Points) If I drink, what do I order?: I will split the cost of a pitcher of beer with someone and then shake my head over the fact that they almost never notice that they drink most of it, lol. Usually I do order a beer - I like microbrews and imports, I DONT like Bud Light or Coors Light. If I have to choose a "light" I'll drink a Miller Light. I like Yuengling Lager, cause I still consider myself a Philly girl, or at least a Pennsylvanian, I like Sam Adams Summer Ale or Oktoberfest (we just changed over from one to the other at the restaurant I work in), I would drink a Heineken or a Molson, and I like Blue Moon, which seems to be getting popular around here these days. So that's what I might get at a bar. If I'm at a beer store picking out what I want I like to go for those multipacks where you get to try a bunch of different kinds, like Sam Adams makes a multipack that comes with Cherry Wheat, which is another one I like that bars pretty much never carry.

If, on the off chance, I do not feel like having a beer, I might have a vodka and cranberry, or perhaps a Cosmopolitan, but usually ordering something like that just makes me feel too girly, and for whatever reason it just weirds me out. I'd be more likely to drink a mixed drink at home than at a bar.

Right, so, if we ever go out for drinks, you'll know what to expect :P
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(2 Points) What work do I do?: I am a hostess in a very busy restaurant that serves somewhat substandard food and has a bar that stays open for late night drinking and snacking and such. It's probably the worst job I've ever had - doesn't pay terrible - I'd say it's about fifteen dollars an hour, really, because I make an hourly rate and then get a percentage of the sales for the evening as well. Also, usually I will roll silverware and fill sugars for the servers and they each give me a few dollars, and so I take home a little bit of cash as well. When I worked for the Coffee Co. I made minimum wage - but I liked that job better.

When I lived in Philly I worked in a print gallery and frame shop. I made about the same amount of money and that was a really, really great job. I wish I hadn't have had to leave it because I liked it so much, and I wish I could be more confident that coming here was the right thing to do. I've run out of money - I don't have any in the bank and I've maxed out my credit cards. Soon summer will be over and I won't have the income of renting my upstairs every week - I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make my bills every month on just this one job, and I still have repairs to do on the first floor of this house, not to mention furniture and stuff to buy if I want to rent both floors out next summer. It's got me pretty nervous and pretty on edge here, but I guess I just have to wait. I have to wait until the other house is zoned, and then I have to wait to be approved for another loan. If anything goes wrong with those two things, then I guess that would be the time to start panicking.

I've had other jobs - I worked in another restaurant that was more of a fine dining type place. I was a hostess there as well. I worked for an inventory company and would go to stores and count stuff in the middle of the night while they were closed. I worked in another art gallery, and I worked at the front desk of a hotel. When I was in college I worked in the dean's office for like one semester. In Philly I worked for a coffee shop too. I worked for an after school program at an art studio for a while - I really liked that job too but I had to leave because my parents needed me at home. Sometimes I didn't work. When I was a teenager I worked at a drugstore first as a cashier and then putting UPC codes into the computer system in the warehouse. My first job was working at the drive-thru at McDonald's.

Of all these jobs, the one I have now is the most trying and the most frustrating. You think I drink a lot? My job drives me to it.

I don't really drink a lot - I really am not supposed to and honestly, I don't even like to. It's more of a social thing - it just seems weird to me to be writing about how often I go out drinking when I'm not doing all that much drinking to begin with. I just like to unwind at the end of the night with other people, that's all.
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Really, I would have liked to go to boarding school as a kid. I know someone who voluntarily went away to a preparatory boarding high school and really loved it. And of course I always harbored the delusion that there was something special about me - I thought I was psychic, I thought I was magic, I thought I could talk to aliens... after I read "Matilda" I was convinced I could move things with my brain, after I read "My Teacher Is An Alien" I was convinced I would one day leave the planet, after I read "A Wind In The Door" I was convinced I could kythe. Fortunately, by the time Harry Potter came along, I had grown out of those delusions, so I never checked and re-checked my mail for my acceptance letter from Hogwarts.

(1 Point) What is my hair color?: CUPCAKE PINK, GUYZ! It's been for about a week and a half now, and it's stayed pretty well. I like how it's layered - my hair was very nearly perfectly white, but my roots were brown - I bleached them, but only bleached them to a pale orange, so my hair is two-toned, bubblegum-icing pink and sorta like flamingo pink at the roots, I like it a lot. Bleaching my hair was getting to be too much of a pain in the ass, and it was also getting kinda stretchy and sticky - meaning it was soon to be goo rather than hair, due to too many bleach sessions.

I started dying my hair when I was sixteen. First I dyed it a deep red. After about a year of being a redhead I moved on to the rest of the rainbow - purple, black, blue, green, etc. It was another couple years before I got really intense with the bleaching. See, my shrink told my parents that they had to give me some freedom and let me make my own choices, so in the space of about a week I dyed my hair, got green contacts, and pierced a second hole in my ears. This was a "phase" - not my phase, my parents' phase. They got over it real quick. But they couldn't stop my hair dying. It's been a fun ride, although I don't really remember what my real hair color looks like. I know it's brown, but I'm not really sure what shade anymore. Dark brown, I guess, but red or blonde highlights? I really have no clue. Don't think I would recognize myself with brown hair.

(3 Points) Name my celeb-crush: I am in love with Leonard Cohen. He is a singer songwriter and he is way too old for me and I really don't care. People say that Tori Amos is the modern Leonard Cohen - oh please. He wrote her songs. Some of them, anyway. Many musicians have covered his songs beautifully. His songs mean so much to me - so much - I sometimes think in verses to his songs - creepy, eh, but it fits.

(1 Points) Do I have any children?:No, I don't have fucking children, what a disaster that would be! I can't have children. I can get pregnant, sure. I could, if pressed, give birth, although being pregnant would probably be extremely difficult. But I don't believe for a minute I could support or raise a child, not do I want to. It would not be right or fair.
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(1 Point) My first name: My first name is Lara. There is no letter "u" in my name. Please do not add one. Without the "u" that means it's La-Ra. Even in Spanish. It's never Low-rah. Even in Spanish. I'm pretty sure that the spelling of my name is actually a miscommunication between my parents :P Mom probably said Laura and Dad wrote Lara, because Laura is Low-rah in Spanish. Or something. Whatever.

(2 Points) My last name: Is a Mexican name. Which is pretty funny, cause I'm only one-quarter Mexican. Just like Frida Kahlo. Really, I'm many parts many things. I don't claim one above another. And I've done enough traveling to catch on to those weird looks the rest of the world gives us Americans when we claim to be part this that and the other thing. I'm American. Not part. Totally American.

(3 Points) Take a stab at my middle name: My parents did not see fit to give me one, lol. They did give my sister one. Go figure.

(1 Point) Which Hogwarts house would I be sorted into?: Oh, please put me in Griffyndor with all my friends! I hardly know anyone in the other houses! I'd say I could be a Ravenclaw because I'm so smart, but then again, I'm pretty much a fuck-up, so perhaps not. Not a Slytherin, cause while I can be a creep, I'm not evil, even in a cool way. And Hufflepuff... who's a Hufflepuff, anyway? Doesn't the song even go good Hufflepuff she took the rest? Yeah. The left overs. No way, dude. I'm hangin' with Harry in Gryffindor.

Bonus: Today I watered my plant, Romana. I watched about half of season three of Boston Legal. I didn't do much more than that. Laid on the couch and thought about my fanfic but didn't actually work on it. Really, I've felt like shit all week. Too much to go out. Which pisses me off, cause I like going out. I didn't go in to work on Friday and I don't need a doctor's note or anything. It was just a regular call out - we are allowed to do that at this job. Just not at the Coffee Co, apparently.
exhilaration: (me)
"I know very little about some of the people on my friends list. Some people I know relatively well. I read your journals, or we have something else in common and we chat occasionally. Some of you I hardly know at all. Perhaps you lurk, for whatever reason. But you friended me and I thank you for your interest in my words.

But here's a thought: why not take this opportunity to tell me a little something about yourself. Any old thing at all. Just so the next time I see your name I can say: "Ah, there's so and so..who listens in rapture to the love-music of she-turnips." I might feel compelled to mock your musical taste, but I'll certainly remember you.

I'd love it if every single person who friended me would do this. Yes, even you people who I know really well. Then post this in your own journal and see what gems of knowledge appear."


100 questions meme )
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I was really hesitant to respond to the post about "Turn Left" because I know that it basically doesn't count when a white person says "but that isn't racist!"

I'm not even going to touch on the fact that my actual white-ness is debatable - I don't go around saying OMG I'M WHITE and I am not white as in anglo-saxon, but I'm not going to deny that I enjoy white privilege, and on The Internet apparently if you don't identify yourself otherwise you must be white anyway.

I get that my growing up not even thinking about race is part of white privilege.

I grew up in a town where everyone was white. When I moved to Philly, I did start thinking about race.

Then I moved here. And somewhere along the line, I stopped thinking about race again.

And I guess I can't get too defensive about a "here little white girl, let me teach you what racism really is."

But I can still say I don't agree, that "Turn Left" wasn't racist.

Racist is the police pulling over the black guy driving through a white suburb because he "appeared suspicious."

Racist is the cashier in the supermarket asking the Korean guy if he understands English when he hands her his coupons.

Racist is assuming that black people are good dancers, Asians are good at math and music, and Native Americans are drinkers and gamblers.

Racist is walking up to an Asian person and saying "ching chong ching chong chang, omg, did that mean anything in your language?"

Racist is the waitress deciding the Indian family isn't going to tip her.

Racist is even the subway attendant asking the white girl if she's lost (in Philly, anyway.)

Racist simply is not a TV show set on another planet that has a Chinatown-like bazaar where the baddie is an alien fortune teller trying to disturb the timelines and working with some type of beetle that attaches to it's victim's back. It just isn't.

That said, I still haven't thought about race in quite some time. Combine that with the fact that I went from being eighteen and thinking I was so enlightened and free thinking and going to a BDSM club where everyone is recognized and respected as an individual and there was a great emphasis on not objectifying women or men, and building trust-based relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) in order to safely play at, oh, sexual role playing games, I guess you'd call them... I went from that to being twenty four, going to bars and drinking beer and engaging in raunchy and decidedly UNENLIGHTENED conversation and going to strip clubs and drooling on women and waving dollars at them. (Ok, just one strip club. But it still happened.)

I've become disgustingly self-centered, is what it comes down to. I always have been, but I wish I could figure out when it got this bad.
exhilaration: (me)
I feel like I have a whole lot going on right now and I don't really feel like writing about it atm. But I did respond to this meme, and so now I must reciprocate -

1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song. Or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

[livejournal.com profile] mog_bane's questions for me:

1. What is your happiest memory?
2. Do you like to do any crafts?
3. Tell me more about your house? It sounds really neat.
4. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
5. What is your favorite meal?

My answers )

And these are my questions for [livejournal.com profile] mog_bane, as I expressed my desire to ask them:

1. Your user name sounds vaguely witch-y to me. Am I totally off, or - what does your name actually mean?
2. Five was David Tenant's Doctor. Which Doctor is your Doctor, and is that Doctor also your first Doctor?
3. While we're on the subject of time travel - if you could go back or forward and cross your own timeline and the universe wouldn't implode, would you do it? I'm not talking about making a change in your personal history or anything, I'm thinking more along the lines of having a face to face conversation.
4. Do you collect anything?
5. How much formal education do you have? Do you have a degree in anything?

Blegh. LJ keeps logging me out - LJ, why are you insisting on being a pain in my ass?

Also, for the record - I really wish I could write erotic fan fiction. Cause I certainly read a lot of it :P

But for real, I kinda feel like I'm leeching off other people's creativity and dedication with all the fanfic I read. Oh well.
exhilaration: (me)
Hi, new friends from the multi-fandom friending meme. I point you towards my Introduction Post if you are having trouble remembering exactly which new addition I am, amongst all your new additions from the friending meme. I am the one who still wishes Earth 2 hadn't been cancelled and would slash myself with Kaylee any day.

I have been meaning to do this other meme for a day or two now. Today is as good a day as any. I tag anyone who wants to play, not just new peeps.

Comment on this post and I will choose seven interests from your profile. You will then explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so that others can play along.

[livejournal.com profile] yoursetcetera chose: 1950s kitchen appliances, amedeo modigliani, carnivale, installation art, post-apocalyptic speculation, sandro chia, and victorian door knobs.

And here are my answers... and I added pictures too, just because )
exhilaration: (me)
elouai's doll maker 3
The Basics:


Name:
Lara Inside
Age: 24, soon to hit that quarter century mark!
Gender: I'm a GIRL!
Location: The Jersey Shore - what a little bubble of a world! (New Jersey, USA)
Occupation: Turd
Orientation: Lesbian(ish)
Ethnicity: Mexican/Dutch/Greek/Armenian (say that five times fast!)
Nationality: Completely American!
Education: Don't I wish - no diplomas whatsoever


Yeah, I don't look like my avatar, by the way. It's close, but... not that close. Don't think I'm trying to convince you all that I really do have anime hair! Although... I really do wear green boots. All the time :P

I am freaked out about turning twenty five. I am feeling quite, quite old and you know, I'm only getting older as I sit here and type this! I was born in 1984, just like the book, and I'm really too young to remember much of the '80s. I am a child of the '90s all the way, and it shows. I am a girl, and I am not confused or dissatisfied with my gender whatsoever. I have been mistaken for a guy on message boards and forums for my entire internet life, so let me make this clear from the beginning: I am female. If you met me in real life, you would not be guessing. I am not ambiguous. I look like a girl.

I am bad at romance. I had a serious girlfriend for two years, and, while we still talk occasionally without killing each other, it really didn't end well and I'm really not interested in finding someone else until I'm confident I can hold up my end of the relationship. I seem to be very bad at that. She said I was not dedicated enough - and judging by the fact that I moved an hour and a half away from her, well, I guess I wasn't. I guess my deciding to move here was me ending the relationship, but really, she broke up with me and it pretty much killed me. Love sucks.

I live at the shore. When my grandparents passed away they left me two of their shore properties. I never realized that they still owned them, and they were both in horrible disrepair - not even livable. I have been slowly fixing them up, with the idea that I can rent them out in the summer, to tourists, and make a living that way. Right now I am funding this completely on credit - it's more than a little bit scary. I don't like it here. I'm from a small town in Pennsylvania and I lived there for the first eighteen years of my life, and the best thing I ever did was move away from there. And here I am back in an even smaller town, where there's nothing to do, nowhere to work, and no public transportation.

I am the worst driver ever and have lost my license not once but twice. For now, though, it's not suspended, so I am on the roads again. If you're in South Jersey, watch out! I work in a restaurant; I am a hostess. I have the worst job ever. Nobody likes a hostess, not the guests who eat out, not the other restaurant employees, no one. For the holiday season, I started another part time job in retail. We'll see how that turns out.

I am really into sci-fi, especially Doctor Who. I am counting down the days until the Christmas special! I also enjoy Torchwood, although I've heard it's going to be a short season this year. The shows I watch that are current are Supernatural, Sarah Conner Chronicles, Heroes (although it's starting to suck...), and House MD (which was starting to suck but is getting better). I do not own a TV and I love telling people that because they freak out. Everything I watch I watch online. Believe me, I am not media deprived. I just to not own the actual box.

I enjoy making playlists for every occasion, sunny days, my front porch (only on sunny days or warm evenings), drinking beer, reading fan fiction, making espresso drinks, and experimental cooking. I collect door knobs, refrigerators, and carnival glass, and I've got a soft spot for anything 1950s, especially kitchen appliances. Don't anyone give me a toaster or I might have to start collecting those too (I have two.) I love art and was an art history major in college for a time, and everywhere I go artists seem to follow me. I think I was meant to be one of them. I guess I missed my calling. Oh well.

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exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

October 2012

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