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They Do Things Differently There

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about me and B and about how I still feel really uncomfortable about us - I was uncomfortable about us just hooking up and now I'm uncomfortable being his girlfriend. Why, though? I mean, seriously, why? The other night we were laying on the couch watching The Daily Show and somehow I got on the topic of me not being that great of a catch, etc, and he pushed me right off onto the floor and said I wasn't allowed back on his couch until I ceased to trash-talk myself. Um. I mean, yeah, I think the stuff I say is valid, but he says he doesn't want to hear it because he doesn't believe it. So... this is a good quality, right?

It kind of occurred to me that I'm really used to being jerked around by people I date, or try to date. I assume it kind of just comes with the package, like, okay, if I'm gonna fall for someone, then they're gonna jerk me around. Keep me guessing. Make me cry. Break my heart in the end. Bevan and I have certainly had our disagreements, but it's not really the same thing. He's not just playing around with me. It's not a game or a contest or whatever, and I don't feel like I have to have my "game face" on all the time "or else."

If anything, my going back and forth and back and forth like this is me jerking him around, and am I so inclined to act like this because this is what I'm used to in a relationship and since he's not doing it then I'm feeling compelled to behave this way?

I don't know why I feel the need to drag old relationships into this. He didn't know those people. He's nothing like any of them, and even if he was, that doesn't mean that whatever has happened before will automatically be repeated now. I've changed since then by the simple fact that time has passed. So I'm not the same either - why do I expect things to just run on a cycle or something?

Why can't I see this as something separate and individual?

In a way, I had sort of the same problem with Krissy. I mean, I think I sort of expected Krissy to be like Whinnie, and wouldn't let myself get too enmeshed in her life because since it didn't work out with Whinnie, I assumed it wouldn't be possible with Krissy either and I'd just save myself the heartache. Well, we all know how that worked out, right? No heartache was saved there.

I'm so bad at this. Seriously.
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The Stupid Work Shoes Saga Continues

So. Tonight at work I said something to Vicky, my GM, about how I went out and got black shoes at Rich, the other manager's, request. She said she knew full well I wasn't wearing "regulation" shoes and was totally unconcerned about it. In other words, I really don't need to wear non-slip shoes and Rich was just being an asshole to me. She said she was willing to let my shoes go and that it wasn't a major concern because I don't go in the kitchen. Just like I originally said. So I'm pissed.

Attention Car Owners: Gimme Advice

Ok, so, what do I do if my car freezes shut? Really. It's not so much that I don't know how to drive - I do know how to drive. I have a license and everything. Yes, I did wreck a car, but I'm not going to repeat that situation again. It's just that I don't know how to be a driver. I drove for a few months when I was a teenager - and I had my parents breathing down my neck the whole time. I drove for maybe six months when I lived with my mom when she was sick - that's pretty much it. So, excuse me for not being the expert.

What do I do if my car door freezes shut? Last night after work I just went back inside the restaurant and got a cup of hot water from the coffee machine and poured it on the door. And if I wasn't somewhere with a coffee machine? Then what would I do? And what about when the lock is frozen? I scorched my key with a lighter - is that going to eventually mess up my key, or is that the correct solution?

And... my tires. So, I had a flat tire. Cause I ran smack into the side of the curb. Are new tires automatically going to lose a little air, and I just need to put more air in them and they'll be fine, or when I blew my tire out did it mess up the wheel somehow and the new tire is going to go flat too? Cause my tire is halfway to flat again. Normal, or no?

My Harry Potter Fic Is Freakin' Awesome

I've got about thirty Word pages of random scenes from this fic I've imagined. I'm... kinda starting to obsess over this, but, at the same time, I've been on the off-side of the HP fandom for so long and it's been a long while since I've read the actual books, that my canon knowledge is hazy at best. So it's official, I am doing a series re-read. I don't own the books - I don't own many books at all, cause I move too much and books are a pain to lug around. But I do drive (see, there was a reason I shelled out the money for this car insurance nonsense) so I can go sit in the bookstore and read them. Meaning instead of sitting around in my awful house, I can sit around in the bookstore. With a purpose. So... maybe I'll post my re-read observations. That's be cool, eh?

Worst Girlfriend EVAR

So, being that it's winter, B's other job, which in the summer is landscaping, is now snow removal. He still works for the same guy, he just does a slightly different job. And since there's been a lot of snow... well, he's been pretty sore and tired. And I give a decent massage if I do say so myself. I don't much like to get massages - I'm not very comfortable with anyone putting their hands all over me. It takes me a while to actually relax and enjoy it, if I ever actually get to the part where I just relax in the first place. But I'm always sore and tired too, pretty much, so B and I spent the day just laying around at his house and watching Dating On Demand. Yes really. We just sat there watching all the videos and commenting on who we would and would not go out with, why, and what kind of date it would be and what our expectations would be and etc.

So... yeah. I discuss dating others completely without reservations... with my boyfriend. Yeah. Yep. Go on and on about who is and isn't my type and who is a good date for fun and who is a good date for a few months and who I'd fall head over heels with... who am I kidding? Are we really boyfriend and girlfriend, or what? I dunno. It didn't seem odd at the time, not at all, not one bit. But it kinda does now. Well... whatever, I guess. Neither of us is lying to the other, so... I guess we're doing it right?

Uh Huh

Jan. 29th, 2009 08:10 pm
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Well. How am I doing at being a girlfriend, anyway?

Meh. Not too bad I guess, although, honestly, I'm feeling kind of uneasy. Still. Which isn't a good sign, is it? I don't know if it's some kind of funky chemical issue warping my emotions, or if it's a genuine Lara don't do this kind of warning... I dunno.

Me and B haven't seen all that much of each other recently unless we're also with Ryan. I've been spending pretty much at least part of every day with Ryan so if I see B Ryan is there too, which is cool... Ryan and I are having a blast. I assume most of his friends aren't around anymore, I mean, that's what people seem to do when they grow up, get the hell out of here, and I know he doesn't just want to hang around underfoot at my aunt's. Ryan also spends a lot of time with my youngest cousin, his brother, so I've been spending time with him too. He... is not cool with me and never will be, I guess, and I'm pretty much okay with that. I was kind of hoping the three of us spending time together would kind of smooth things out a little but it really hasn't. And also Ryan and B are friends too, so... yeah. Ryan's leaving tomorrow night, though, and who knows when I'll see him next.

I haven't felt very girlfriend-y, I guess. Well, whatever.

Last night I finally fell down B's stairs, lol. I say "finally" because I've been assuming I eventually would. I tack the "lol" on the end there cause it was funny when it happened.

B lives in his dad's basement. The first time I went back to his house I swore up and down that the stairs were a non-issue and I was fine. He... did not really believe me, and insisted on carefully observing me every time I went down them, for... several months, even, but eventually he got over that and now is completely indifferent. To be honest, the steps are pretty brutal, they're concrete, steep, and there's no railing. There's no light (I mean, at night, in the daytime there's sun :P ) and nine times out of ten, if I'm going down the stairs I've previously been drinking.

I had NOT been drinking last night, on account of the fact that I drove over there myself, and yet, managed to fall on the stairs anyway. Go me. I considered that to be my go-ahead to drink plenty once I actually went inside :P

Oh yeah, also, a stripper gave me hair advice :P
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I worked all weekend. Got stuck very late at work friday night - I didn't get home until almost three, and we close at one, and I wasn't even supposed to be there until close in the first place. I've been trying pretty hard to make work as least awkward as possible - Saturday night I always do take-out, which means I'm at the bar, and Saturday night is B's bar shift, and last week I bailed and got someone to cover me so I wouldn't have to work so close with him. This week he switched with another bartender and waited tables I guess so he wouldn't have to work so close with me. Yeah... we were talking to each other, I mean, we had to, we had to talk to each other because we're working together. It's a restaurant - teamwork, and all.

But Sunday - I mean, one of us had to say something at some point, I guess. When lunch was ending and the dinner shift was coming in I was kind of hanging around by the bar - I had asked, at the beginning of the shift, if B could drive me home, and he said okay, so I was just waiting for the other bartender to come in. And we have been talking - about nothing. About the Phillies - incessantly - oh, did you know, the Phillies are in the world series? I am starting to fall for the team, really, I am. They're hardcore. I'm in love with all of them. I can't believe I saw them play that first time over the summer and could barely pay attention to them. Not now, my friends! Now I am glued to the screen!

So yeah, we've mostly been talking either about working or the Phillies. Safe topics, or whatever. But Sunday afternoon B kind of leaned on the bar and looked at me and was like, "will it do me any good to apologize to you?"

And when did I ever say I wanted an apology, anyway? )

But the whole time I had this weird feeling that this is the last time we'll ever do anything like that. Like it's already too late. Like we've both already said too much and we can never go back to the easy way things were. Now it's either going to be complicated, or it's going to be over.

And that's what I was trying to avoid all along. I'd say he was doing the same thing, but really I have no idea.

It makes me kind of sad.

Weird Day

Oct. 20th, 2008 12:09 am
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So I spent a good portion of today throwing old shit out. I try to do that when I feel like I have too much stuff. And so much of my stuff is so trashy anyway - if I'm not using it, it should really go.

Potentially moving again is definitely what sparked this, no question about that.

My house is really coming along - I was kinda dubious about Erica living here but it's really been fine, we're getting along just peachy and her being here has definitely provided me the kick in the ass I needed to get moving with things. And she's been a huge help.

It is definitely possible that I could start looking for a place in Philly, and when I find one, I'd move there and find someone to rent the downstairs of this house. Then I'd have double the income I have now, plus I'd be living somewhere I don't hate.

Imagine that.

So, Bevan called me tonight. No, not to talk. But the conversation was almost comical, it was so awkward. He basically said, "assuming you're actually speaking to me, I need a favor, I need a computer part."

So I said go ahead, come on over, I'll show you what I got and you see if you can use it.

Cause I have two huge plastic bins of electronic this and thats - USB chords, mice, I have a few keyboards in there, I think I've got a graphics card, I have a zip drive, firewire stuff, I don't know, random shit.

So he did come over and he did raid my computer bins, and thanked me very much, and then left.

I was thisclose to being like, "um, can we still be friends?"

But I didn't say that. Maybe we are still friends. I don't know. No, we probably aren't.
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So, baseball - this is called postseason, and it's leading up to the world series. "My" team is the Phillies - New Jersey does not have a baseball team of their own. I sometimes don't realize that not every city out there has a sports team for every major sport there is, but Philadelphia does. And Philly kind of has a reputation for having really good sports teams that always manage to fuck it up at the last minute.

I mentioned I saw the game Thursday night at a bar. It was a very high-energy game - baseball can be very boring to watch but I am starting to get into it, like I said. And the game was great, there was a grand slam and everything. I think I'm starting to see baseball like one of my TV shows or something, weird, eh?

Anyway, I worked on Friday night, all night, and went home and sat around online and stuff. Saturday I worked all day and all night as well, but Saturday night I was doing take-out instead of being a hostess.

Doing take-out is kind of fun because it's something different to do for a change. Also, I don't have to stay in the lobby, I stay by the bar, and Saturday night is always Bevan's bar shift. If I'm not answering the phone or busy ringing people up or something, he always lets me make drinks and wash the glasses if I want to. It's kind of cool. So, Erica and Hanna came to the restaurant and sat at the bar to watch the Phillies game, just like she said she would, and I was kinda surprised by that. I was pretty much expecting her to bail on us.

So working was a little like hanging out, because everyone at work was watching the game too. When the game ended (and the game was awful, Phillies lost miserably, and it was a very boring and low-energy game) the restaurant pretty much cleared out, and since Bevan was the first bartender in, he got to leave first, and the four of us left together.

And I really should have expected this, since it was Saturday night and all. )

Yeah, go me. I am THE WORST friend ever. And that I-wish-I-was-a-dominatrix girl I mentioned that I used to live with? Yeah, I was a shit friend to her too.
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I have made it my mission to attend and enjoy a baseball game sometime this year.

Right. So. Remember my entry about the Phillies game and the rain delay and the crazy fan who did a slip and slide on the tarp and then ran into the tube? Yep. Finally on youtube. I knew youtube'd come through for me! As far as I recall, though, he was wearing pants...

I still maintain the opinion, though, that had he not dove into that tube, he could have escaped security.

Damnit, now I wanna play on a giant slip-and-slide!

And speaking of shit that sounds made up... )

I'm not so much mad at Erica because she didn't show up tonight as just puzzled. She never turns off her phone so I hope she didn't like fall into the Bermuda Triangle Part Two or something. I'm kind of inclined to think she was hooking up with someone, but I have no idea how true that might be.

I guess I should go to bed now. Growing girls need their sleep, you know.

I'm so not going to bed.
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I did not go to the baseball game today.

It's just as well, because there was another rain delay, and once was enough with that inclement weather business.

I did, however, go to a strip club after work last night.

It was a different one. I felt a lot more comfortable there because I was not the only girl in the place who wasn't, you know, dancing. I still kinda feel like I'm slowly de-volving, though. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a horrible thing. Either way, I had a... good time there. I definitely did. I blew all my cash, of course. Also I got a lap dance.

Funny, that. I've randomly hooked up with people just for the fun of it, I mean, obviously not all the time, but it's happened, I mean, I went to college and stuff, and that seems to be what college students do these days when they're not in class - I never felt like there was anything wrong with that. Usually it came back to bite me in the ass, you know, created some type of unpleasant situation, oh, not unlike THE ONE I'M IN NOW, but I've definitely never paid anyone to act like they were into me before.

She must have been a little into me, though, in some way (or I'm just telling myself that to feel better) cause it's not like I picked her or anything. She was making eyes at me from the stage and she specifically suggested we go to that "back room." I know, I know, that's what they all do, because that's how they make money (and damn, those girls must make a fortune each night!) but I am way, way too shy to wave down some mostly-naked girl and ask her for a lap dance, even if it is her job. She came to me. I wasn't about to be like, uh, no no, I don't want that.

Probably she was like, ah, great, a girl, now I don't have to dance all on some nasty sweaty man.

I'm sure that's all it was.
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I'm a real mess, here.

Still no job.

Shouldn't really be freaking out about that. I have one job anyway. It's a good job, it pays pretty well. Maybe I'll be okay just working more hours there. Except, well, come winter, I'll only be working there a few days a week, I'm sure, and that certainly won't work. But it does take more than a few days to find a job. Doesn't it? So I shouldn't be kicking myself over that.

Aside from the job. Aside from the car. Oh, the stupid, stupid car - right, aside from that.

I'm a lesbian. A les. bi. an. I'm not bi. I'm not straight. I like other girls. I always have. I have had three girlfriends in my life, and I was head over fucking heels for all three of them.

So what the fuck am I doing messing around with a guy?

Yeah. I really don't know either. But I am.

Yep. That's pretty much what happened. )

I always fall for the unavailable ones. It's what I do.
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It's been an interesting few days.

To say the least.

To start with, Bevan came over Thursday night. Thursday is my only day off from both jobs, except, oh wait, I only have one job now. Anyway, Bevan came over last night. Jory has come over a few times on Thursday nights, but not this week. What it boils down to is that Jory just doesn't really like me, and that's fine. Usually the only kinds of girls who like me are girls like Erica and Krissy: tall and loud and beautiful and love to talk about themselves. And I like to listen to people talk about themselves, so it works out pretty well.

Bevan is a pretty quiet guy. He doesn't really initiate conversation with people. We got to be friends pretty much because I continually tried to make conversation with him because I was bored at work. And I don't really initiate conversation either - I'm friendly but not really outgoing, if that makes sense. So while I feel like oh, Erica has explained every single aspect of her life to me many times over, there are a lot of things about Bevan I don't know. One of them that has been on my mind recently is why does he live in his dad's basement? So finally I just flat out asked him, and he gave a fairly straightforward answer: it's easier. And I suppose it would be, wouldn't it, not paying rent and all that. He had his own apartment for a while but eventually moved back home. Huh.

So really we just talked a lot, to each other, about each other )

So, right, just like I said, kiss kiss, bang bang.

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Ah, let's see, where to start, and which direction to take this one?

Well, first off, I went to a strip club, and I've got a whole lot to say about that one. It was a pretty surreal experience. If you didn't know it, South Jersey is full of strip clubs. They're all over the freakin' place. I've never been in one. My friend Matt once dated a stripper, and I've been outside her club outside Camden waiting for her to come out, but that's about it. I've been to a BDSM club when I was in college, and I sometimes call it a sex club, but for as freaky as it sounds (and it was pretty freaky deaky in there...) there was also an atmosphere of complete respect for all human beings in the building. That is NOT what a strip club is like. And I'm pretty torn as to how to react to it all together, how to react to my own reactions/behaviors/instincts, and etc. It was a very unsettling night.

On one hand, the girls are beautiful, and they're amazingly talented. Can you climb a pole and disrobe at the same time, all the while making it look not only easy but sexy as well? Yeah I didn't think so. Not to mention sliding down the pole, naked and upside down, by one knee and stopping six inches from the floor. It was fucking incredible.

On the other hand, how can you say they're not objectified, even if it is a job, even if they are making an insane amount of money? How isn't it degrading to take dollars from people for shaking your booty or playing with your pussy or rubbing your boobs in their face?

And I'm a girl, and there I was waving my dollars and getting boobies in my face too.

So yes, I am kind of torn as to how to react to my fantastic night of naughtiness. That's just how I roll, you know. )

And so now for the grande finale, I'm kind of feeling guilty for the conflict that has ensued from this evening. So Jury, Bevan's girlfriend, has been being pretty nice to me recently. We had a nice little chat the other day and everything. We went out on the beach together in the evening, even, the three of us.

Now Jury is absolutely furious with Bevan, she's calling him her ex boyfriend, and saying all kinds of shit about him, and I feel really bad. Logically, this has nothing to do with me. Her boyfriend isn't cheating on her with me - I don't even like guys. I don't even enter into this - she doesn't care that I was there at the strip club, she doesn't have a problem with him and me hanging around each other. It's not even specifically that she had a problem with him going to a strip club to begin with - she doesn't like the idea, but it's not like she forbid it or anything (although if I was a girl with a boyfriend I might be kinda pissed if he went to a club to watch other women disrobe...) - she's furious that he lied to her about why he wasn't answering his phone all night.

That's pretty valid too, as far as I'm concerned. So, yeah, my favorite person does very uncool things, like lying to his girlfriend and oh, wait, cheating on her while she's away at college too. Come to think of it, that might just be the source of these guilty feelings of mine, or, some of them, at least.

So, I don't need to repeat how much I wish that had never happened.

And I'm pretty embarrassed to face anyone, Bevan included, who was at the strip club with me, cause I still feel kinda dirty and skeevy and unsettled about the night. Seriously, that was me, putting dollars between woman's breasts with my teeth?

Real winner, me.
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Ok well B isn't really my enemy, but it sounded like it would make a good title.

B came to the coffee shop this morning. He does that sometimes - I live on the island, he lives on the mainland, but he surfs, and so sometimes he's in town and stops at the shop. He asked me if I wanted to come over this afternoon and play Rock Band with him and some other people from the restaurant because he said he heard that I sing.

So I said ok. And so - we played Rock Band, this game where you play pretend musical instruments and stuff. i gave the drums a try too. For some reason I kept missing the green drum, though, but it was still fun. I had a good time, it was nice to just chill out with people for an afternoon, as opposed to chilling out at a bar watching everyone around me get drunk. We played for like four hours or something, and then some people had to go to work, and B and I talked a little. No, not about how we randomly had sex the other night. Seriously, the next morning, B flat out told me he barely remembered what we did, he was that drunk, and was like, "I hope I wasn't a total ass. I hope you aren't mad at me for anything."

And I was like, "no, I'm not mad, it was good, it's been a while for me."

And at that point he was like, "Damnit, so we did hook up." LONG PAUSE. "Do you want to take a shower before I drop you off at work?"

And that's the extent of any discussion we had after the fact. No, he talked about how he hated living here. Well, I'm not fond of it either. I feel like I can't really complain, I mean, I literally had no where to go and not a cent to my name when I got this house, and I was like, jackpot, yo! A house! That means I've got at least somewhere to live! I don't care where, whatever, it's not a motel and it's not someone else's place, that's good enough for me!

Winter always depresses me, but winter around here is just... awful. There's nothing here. There's no one here. The people who are here have all lived here their entire lives and all know one another's life story and stuff. It's like... home, only ten times more smalltownish, and ten times worse in all ways. Yeah, I really don't like it here. I don't understand why more people don't make it their life's goal to freakin leave.

B said he went to college for a semester and a half at Rutgers Camden. Huh. I never knew that about him. But, here he is, living in his dad's basement, and he's about the same age I am. Well, what can I say to that, though? I went to college for a while too.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. But I feel a little better about the whole situation. Actually, I feel a whole lot better. I feel like this whole afternoon proved somehow that B is actually my friend of sorts, even if he's not like omg my bestest friend ever, and that he thinks of me as a friend - because otherwise why invite me over, and why sit around at talk to me after? - as opposed to his new fuckbuddy or something.

The thing that kinda bothers me about myself though is that I don't think I would have turned down the fuckbuddy status if that was my only option.

I wonder if he realizes this? I wonder if B has any idea at all just how fucking lonely I am, and just how much I'd do for a little company? If he does, well, then I guess he gets a gold medal or something for being such a gosh darned nice guy. Either that or he finds me utterly repulsive in that area, and that is why he's acting like nothing happened.

That Rock Band game is kind of addictive, watching the dots on the screen and stuff, btw. I highly recommend it.
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So, I had this idea last night that maybe I should see a doctor. You know, a woman doctor, an obgyn. Since I've become suddenly a sexually active person again. It would be the health-conscious thing to do, right?

Really, I'm not too worried about myself here. I suppose you can get pregnant from having sex one time, but it would be unlikely at this point in my monthly cycle. I'm actually quite regular. I suppose you can definitely catch a disease from having sex one time, and I suppose it's possible that B could have given me something, but it's about equally possible that I gave him something, for that matter.

It's just... the whole event has unsettled me so badly, and I really have no one to talk to about it. It's not like I have friends to confide in or anything. So I went to the clinic in Philly where I used to go when I lived nearby, and I've been there a few times since moving here, too, because usually they're really good there, and they have all my info on file and everything. Being that going to the doctor is not exactly my most favorite thing to do in the first place, I figured, I might as well go somewhere where I'm comfortable, and not go somewhere new and have to deal with a whole bunch of "new patient" crap and possibly have a bad experience to start with, never mind that it's not like I'm a patient on file anywhere around here so it's not like I could actually get an appointment with anyone...

Oh, I'll cut this, it's gotten kinda long... )


Mar. 26th, 2008 12:12 am
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Sometimes I just feel really sick of life. Not BEING ALIVE, just, living my life. Mine, specifically. It's like, okay, I've been tormented enough now, can I get a break now, for just a bit, can I just have things go back to normal?

Ah, but they are never going to go back to normal, are they?

I burned myself cooking tonight. It hurts. I burned myself on the inside of my wrist, too - really sensitive skin there. Probably going to leave a hideous scar. I can't wait. Hot oil for the win.

I, ah, did something I'm not real proud of, and I've been feeling pretty unsettled about it for a few days now. Yeah, it's Tuesday, so it's about that time for the weekend to catch up with me I guess.

I hooked up with the bartender from my restaurant, is what it comes down to. I'll spare the gory details, but - yeah. That's what I did. Because - I don't know why. I thought I didn't like guys anyway? I mean, I like him fine, I have no problem with him, I don't find myself particularly attracted to him though. We're not even friends. It just... happened. And he was really drunk, I guess, because the next morning (oh god, I can't believe I'm even writing this sentence) he acted like he didn't really remember exactly what happened between us.

But he drove me to my house, let me go inside and change, and then drove me to work. So, I mean, it's not like he was being an asshole about it, but still. He didn't remember much from the night before. I, of course, remember it just fine.

So I've seen him a few times since then and he's pretty much acting like it never happened. So am I. And I have this weird feeling like everyone at work is talking about us or something. I don't like it.

I think I like... feeling attractive. I guess I must - if all he had to do to get in my pants was act like he wanted in, I mean, geez, go me, right? That says a lot about my self-respect now doesn't it. But it's not like I've had any type of action - hell, it's not like anyone has so much as even LOOKED at me since, oh, since Krissy was here that one time. Ages ago.

Unsettled - unresolved, I guess. I feel like I'm waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Whatever that's supposed to mean.


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Lara I.

October 2012

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