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I haven't been writing in this journal much, even though I said I would. It might be that I'm not good at following through with anything, but then again, it might be that I have no one to write about.

All kinds of things have been happening in my life, in fact, I'm about to move out of Julia's apartment to MY VERY OWN HOUSE in NJ, but I haven't had anyone to share them with, not a single person, and that makes me not have much to write about, for some reason.

So anyway, yesterday I fell off a ladder in the gallery, just like Julia said I eventually would, and just like I insisted I definitely would not do. And then, well, then I fell again, also at work, and banged the back of my head really good on the counter and was knocked out for about thirty seconds or so. And Julia made me go home for the rest of the day, even though I was really fine.

And so I went home (Julia drove me because I guess she didn't want me to fall again on the sub?) and while at home I took a shower and then stared at myself in the mirror for a while and just really despised myself and my whole life. You know, I really never got the hang of calling myself disabled. I never did. I'm feeling weird even typing it now. And that's weird in itself, because I am. There's really no question about it. And then I got to looking at all these disability comms here on lj and thinking about joining a few, I don't know what the fuck for, I mean, I can't stand listening to myself bitch and moan half the time, I don't know why I would want to listen to other people do it too.

And no, I did not end up feeling lucky that I can do all the things I can do compared to all those other people who can't. No, I just got really annoyed at people complaining how able bodied people think about them. I mean, come on, how they think? Who the fuck knows what goes on in someone else's head, how do you know they think you're stupid because you're in a wheelchair? Maybe they think everyone is stupid, wheelchair or no! I just hate, hate HATE when people make assumptions on why they're being treated a certain way. The truth is, there's no way to ever know, not unless you develop some kind of mind reading abilities.

ANYWAY. I have a lot more serious issues going on in my life than whether or not I can jump up and down, believe it or not. Maybe there is a "my entire life sucks" comm I can join, or something. Then again, that'd prolly just piss me off too. I hate other people. 'Specially other people who are always trying to one up everyone else on who has it worst. So maybe no my-life-sucks comms for me after all :)

Yep, that was a lil' smiley. I am actually in a fantastic mood. It's from two things. One, KRISSY came over today to hang out with me. First time in a LONG WHILE that I've even heard from her. We didnt' part on very good terms. But basically she has decided to fogive me for a few things, because she missed me. That's kinda cool, I think, that I was missed :)

She's starting her last year of med school. That's kinda cool too. I love when people are successful, even if they aren't me. And she's also the first person I've hung out with socially in a very, very long time, ever since I got out of the hospital actually. And, much as I hate to admit it, I think that detoxing in the hospital was one of the best things I could have done. It was getting to be SCARY how many pills I was needing to take, then, and I haven't even TOUCHED that amount yet, not even half of it. Maybe my body really needed to be reset, or something. But anyway. Krissy knew I had been in the hospital. I have no idea how she found out, but when I told her, she said she already knew, and not to worry about it. That was sweet of her.

She has always maintained that I don't have a substance abuse problem, and she should know, because she's practically a doctor. I made some crack about "playing doctor" and well, er, we messed around a little. There's nothing like an incredibly hot girl to boost your self image, man, seriously. Never you mind whatever thoughts I had yesterday while looking in the mirror. I guess I'm just fine after all! Either that or my personality is just so scintillating that it doesn't matter what the fuck I look like. Oh wait, I'm a complete miserable bitch who hates everyone. Ha ha, must be my hot bod then :P

So Krissy, while I was cooking us scrambled eggs at midnight, said to me, very bluntly, like she tends to do, which is why I love her so much, "So, like, are you, like, getting better?"

And I'm all like, wtf? Is she talking about taking less pills, or what?

"No," she says. "Are you seeing a new therapist, physical therapist, or something?"

I'm frying eggs right then but I'm like, "uh, no, I'm not seeing any physical therapist, I haven't in ages, WHY?" and then I'm all paranoid, like, what is she talking about, how can super smart Krissy the med student have missed the fact that I'm not injured so I'm not going to get better, I mean, I WAS injured, and this is the effect. I'm not ever going to get better, ever. SHE KNOWS THAT, right?

"I've just never seen you walk this much, that's all," is what she said.

WALK MUCH? "What are you talking about?" I ask her, and I'm totally confused. I'm sitting on a stool in front of the stove, and she's sitting in a folding chair at the plastic table. "What do you mean, walk this much?" Try, walk at all, which I can't, not without some kind of support.

"Well, your crutches are in the living room where they've been the whole time I've been here."

"Cane," I say pointedly.

"Yeah, and that's over by the door."

"I'm sitting down."

"I've known you for a while now," she tells me, "and I've been around you pretty much, don't you think? You've been all over this kitchen without touching the cane, and I've never seen you do anything like that, ever. You said you couldn't walk on your own at all, and you did, I fucking saw you, just now. So what's going on?"

"Small kitchen," I say, but what she's saying is starting to sink in. I get off the stool and walk all of one step to the fridge without even touching the counter, but then I lean against the cabinets for balance. I grab for the other folding chair and walk a step towards that, and hold on to it. Goddamn, she's right. She's fucking right. I'm absolutely, totally, and completely stupefied, and Krissy is laughing at me.

And so. I can? A little bit? Walk? And I have been for a while now, around the apartment, here and there, without realizing it?

I mean, that's not even possible. HOW can it be possible? How can it be POSSIBLE?

And you know, right then I wanted to call my mom? I didn't, of course, and I wont, but for like a half second there I really wanted to. Just so I could tell someone. See? You think I never do anything? You think I'm a fucking failure at life? Check THIS out.

And then me and Krissy messed around a little bit more. And then we just laid around talking for a while. Eventually she went home. I wish she hadn't. It's not even that I'm in love with her, although I like her just fine. I'm just lonely. And I'm astounded, half at my own cluelessness. I mean, I thought life was seeming easier, just a bit, but I thought I was in a better mood, or something. Or maybe I was in a better mood because simple things just didn't take so freakin long, and I didn't even realize why, because I am just that dense.

Yep. Dense as hell. That'd be me.
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I got paid yesterday and... my paycheck was... kind big! Apparently, when I work in the frame shop, I get... commission!. Meaning, my two week paycheck is almost as big as that four week paycheck I got before. What a suprise that was! Also I got a nighttime job at the Bean Shop, which I was skeptical about before because working at the print gallery is weird hours, but Julia wants me to be her framer, and that's regular daytime hours and I can be part time evenings at the Bean Shop. The intern can do the gallery stuff. I take the framing work because, like I said, commission!

So, not that I'm trying to get ahead of myself or anything, but, with the extra money from the second job and the commission, maybe I can finally find a place to live. It's the part about the security deposit that kills me, really, not the rent part.

So maybe... things are looking up?
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The intern and I hung a show today. The opening is on Friday night. I thought I was going to work the opening, but apparently the intern is, since she thinks it will help her build connections, or something. Julia I guess told us both that we would get to work it, and then forgot she told me.

Fine, whatever, that's just another Friday night alone by myself just like any other, and not enough money at the end of the week, just like always.

Also I went up a ladder today, you know, to hang some things, and Julia freaked out at me. She says I can't do that because I might fall off and get hurt, and then she'd get in some kind of legal trouble. I didn't really know waht to say to that, I mean, I thought we had already covered this? I told her I worked in a gallery before, and that I hung shows all the time, and took them down, and re-prepped the walls, surely she had to understand that meant climbing ladders, right?

It's not even that dangerous, I mean, I've never fallen off yet, and I've never nearly fell off, and I've never felt like I was about to fall off. If I thought I could fall, I wouldn't do it!

So, hm, it's my gallery experience that made Julia want to hire me, but it seems like she doesn't really want me in the gallery. "That's for the intern to do," she always says every time I start to do something. Ah well. I am learning a lot about framing from her, she's right, it isn't hard, and she's right again, I do pick things up easily.

Under my shoulder blade really hurts right now. And the weird thing of it is, under the other shoulder blade hurt this morning. And it really, really hurt, too, I didn't know what to do about it, I mean, I had already taken my shit for the morning and I'd hate to start taking double doses just for my shoulder. But maybe something is wrong, because I shouldn't really be feeling any kind of minor aches and pains from anything on these pills that I'm taking. But then AGAIN, why would one shoulder hurt so bad this morning and then switch to the other side tonight?

Could this pain be like in my brain or something?

My back feels all right. Not great, but all right. I'll deal. How can my shoulder possibly hurt more than a fucking metal plate?

One would think my shoulders might hurt from using crutches all these years. Maybe. I guess that makes sense. But how come now, how come not ever before? And why so much? It can't be more than a pulled muscle, right?

Who knows. I'm not a doctor, what can I say? I'm not good at guessing about my own body. Every time I try I'm completely off base.

It hurts so much right now I'd almost go to the ER, never mind the huge bill I'd end up with. I could probably get it forgiven since I have virtually no dollars whatsoever. They'd probably just think I was looking for drugs.

I'm not, I swear. I actually hate drugs. I'm just afraid something is really wrong.
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Julia called me this morning and told me not to come in to work. I think she's trying to save on hours or something. I know she told me she had a full-time position for me, but she really doesn't. Not unless she gets rid of her intern, and she's not going to do that because the intern works for free.
I'm not holding it against her or anything, but I've only been working about 25-30 hours or so. I got that first check, the one for all the work for her I've done so far, and it's not enough.
Not even close.
One, I'm never going to be able to pay back the city for the fine I owe. It's huge. It can't be done. But I do have to pay a certain amount every two weeks. So I payed that. I payed the minimum on my credit card, which I'm never going to be able to pay back that whole think either. I bought a phone, because I've been trying to get a second job and I can't because I have no address, no phone number, and nevermind the criminal record.
I wonder how much of this I can hide from?
If I close my bank account...
I mean, I've been paying my credit card online, out of my account. If I close the account and just cash all my checks, will my credit card ever be able to even find me? After all, I don't have an address. But then, I won't be able to use the card either, so I don't know how much good that would do me in the end.
I could sell this computer I guess. But I'd rather not. I don't know how much good it would do me, in the end, anyway. I need a ton more money than what this machine is worth. It would be like a speck in a bucket, or whatever.
If I could find a second job, I might be all right with money, but just barely. As it is, I have about 40 bucks to last me until next paycheck.
But, I hate to say it, I don't know how well I could handle a second job. That's a lot of hours to work. I've done it before, of course, of course I have, but I feel like I couldn't do it now. I feel like I've really been knocked off my feet here, figuratively, anyway. I can, literally, stand. Just to clarify that.
I'm thinking a restaruant. I'm thinking I could be a hostess somewhere? Restaurants generally don't care about criminal records, I don't think. And they hire immediately. So maybe that's where I should be looking?
I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to look up every day, be happy I'm alive and be happy the sun shines and all that, but all I can think of is how am I ever going to climb out of this?
And I'm so fucking lonely.
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So I had my first day of work today.

I really think I need a second job. Perhaps one that will pay me right away? The print gallery pays every two weeks, and since I don't get a first paycheck (because I don't know, I just don't) I'll get a whole four week's pay in... four weeks. Damn. That's a bit long to live off my credit card. It'll take me forever to get the hell out of Camden.

It felt like fall this morning. I took the train in to Philly and it was fine. It was mostly overcast all day but it was still warm. I didn't really know what to wear to work but I figured if it was a gallery then all black should be fine. It was fine. I was actually really very nervous about the whole deal, like that maybe Julia would say, "oh, Lara, I'm sorry, I didn't mean I was actually giving you a job, you must have misunderstood me!" but that is not what happened.

I think Julia was impressed by everything I told her about the other gallery I worked at. I was a little intimidated by everything she said I had to learn about framing, especially since her add for a job specified "framin experience required" but apparently she has great faith in my ability to learn quickly. Maybe she is just too lazy to interview strangers and would prefer to just hire me cause she knows me?

But either way, she gave me the job and I am now employed. Step one sucess. I get to take the train in to Philly every day and walk around the city like I still live there, and then come back to dirty Camden after dark. Yay me. I get to go to court again on Thursday. Like a criminal. Yay me again.

So proud of myself here.

No wait. Actually I am a big loser.

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Lara I.

October 2012

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