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I think my hair is going to fall out of my head :P

I did some interesting things today... I worked on my NaNo stories (there are five of them now, which will be totaling 50k. That counts, right?) and I fixed my hair... it's kind of tri-colored now... but they're natural colors! The underside half is black (the box said "soft black") and I re-dyed the rest of it dark brown, and it again came out as having slightly plum-ish tones, and I picked some chunks off the top and in my bangs and did them a lighter color. The box says "ginger spice" and shows sort of a chestnut color, but they actually came out more of a honey blonde color. Then I put an intense conditioning mask on my hair and let it sit that way all morning and didn't wash it out until I had to get ready for work. It's soft (for now.) We'll see if it falls out in my sleep tonight. But I like it much better than my first attempt :P

And... I got another job.

Well, wait, first, I have a confession to make: I have been driving around with no insurance. For quite some time. Now that my car is fixed and my license is restored, I've been kinda... well, see, first it was just supposed to be every once in a while. Now it's a lot. Whatever. Here's to hoping I don't get caught.

I got a part time job for the holidays in AC. So here's to hoping I don't get caught driving to Atlantic City four days a week. I actually applied for the job two weeks ago, because I was in that store buying conditioner and they had a sign saying they were hiring holiday help, and I was like, OMG, a job! Then I kinda forgot all about it, with all the other stuff that's been going on. Well, they called me this morning, so I went there for a little interview, and I have a second part-time job now. Since I'll be holiday only, I kind of get one day of super-condensed training (on Friday) and then my first day is a week after that, on Black Friday. All I have to do is sit at a cash register and ring people up. The shifts are only four hours long, and the job is only for six weeks.

Aaaannnddd I get a discount on everything in the store. It's just 20%, but still, that's pretty cool. I have to dress nice, "business casual," but I think I can handle that. I had a moment of panic when I got hired at the art gallery in Philly, too, but then I realized that I have plenty of nice black clothes, and black always goes with black. So I'll just be the chick that wears black every day. That's nothing new. Oh wait, I do have a pair of dark charcoal grey pants... so maybe I'll be the chick that wears grey once in a while or something :P

This is kind of exciting! It will be a nice change of pace, too, and the extra money, is, of course, why I applied for the job in the first place. I don't seem to have quite enough - all I have to do is last until summer, but right this very moment, I could use a small bit more. My job at the restaurant isn't really intending on scheduling me any more hours than usual over the holidays, so... even between both jobs, I still won't be working more than thirty five hours.

Ah! And this is the coolest/funniest part of the job! I am REQUIRED, as part of the dress code, to wear seven pieces of visible make up to work every day. The store sells a little bit of make up (in addition to lotion and scented spray and candles and oils and shampoo and stuff) and on my training day I get to choose seven free pieces of makeup. None of it is very expensive or high quality stuff, but, come on! It's FREE and I'm REQUIRED to wear it. LOL.

I think there are two reasons I got this job: One, I put that I was available during the week during the day and on the weekends during the day (I guess they're having trouble finding daytime people, which I find odd, but, hey, I won't complain) and two, cause, I'm cute :P Since they're so concerned with their employee's appearance and all.

I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that there must be something super unpleasant about this job, because the manager that hired me mentioned something about a bunch of people recently quitting. But, whatever, after working in a restaurant, I think I can handle pretty much anything :P
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I'm a real mess, here.

Still no job.

Shouldn't really be freaking out about that. I have one job anyway. It's a good job, it pays pretty well. Maybe I'll be okay just working more hours there. Except, well, come winter, I'll only be working there a few days a week, I'm sure, and that certainly won't work. But it does take more than a few days to find a job. Doesn't it? So I shouldn't be kicking myself over that.

Aside from the job. Aside from the car. Oh, the stupid, stupid car - right, aside from that.

I'm a lesbian. A les. bi. an. I'm not bi. I'm not straight. I like other girls. I always have. I have had three girlfriends in my life, and I was head over fucking heels for all three of them.

So what the fuck am I doing messing around with a guy?

Yeah. I really don't know either. But I am.

Yep. That's pretty much what happened. )

I always fall for the unavailable ones. It's what I do.
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You know those really thin plastic bags you get from the grocery store to put your veggies in?

I totally just turned on the toaster with one of those bags kind of... near it, like, almost on it but not quite.

They melt, by the way. Really quickly.

Anyway.

My Great And Wonderful Plan is totally screwed. How screwed? Oh, let me count the ways.

Well, there's my car. If I get my car fixed and registered and insured, it'll max out my credit card. I don't really want to do that, because that would leave me completely screwed if anything else comes up.

I have spent ALL of the money from the loan I took out on the house. I have not even remotely paid the loan off. (To be fair to me, paying the loan off by now certainly wasn't part of the original plan to begin with) I still cannot do anything else with the other house because I am still stalled by stupid zoning bullshit and the like.

The idea was supposed to be that by the end of the summer I would move into the other house, because it would actually be mostly livable by then because it would have been being worked on all summer, and I would rent out both floors of this house for the winter, and then by NEXT summer I would be renting out both floors of this house and two floors of that house all to tourists and all by the week, and THAT is how I would start paying everything off.

APPARENTLY NOT.

I went to the Coffee Co this morning to pick up my paycheck. I'll get another check from them on Friday, and then that's the end of that. That's six hundred dollars a month I won't have. By September I won't be getting the money from renting my upstairs anymore either. I can, hopefully, rent it to someone for the winter, but it certainly won't be the income it's been all summer.

If I spent ACTUAL money on fixing my car and all that, then I wouldn't have any ACTUAL money. But if I have no transportation (and the trolley doesn't run in the winter either) then how am I ever going to find another job, unless it's just down the street or something? I already inquired at pretty much every place of business within a ten-block radius - no one is hiring permanently. Couple places are hiring seasonal, but at this point, that's, like, two months. Which I'm torn between taking, and then starting the job search again in the fall (which is practically impossible since everyone downsizes in the fall), and ignoring, because what I really need is a non-seasonal job, and something that doesn't rely on tourism to sustain it, like... I don't even know what that would be anymore.

I need a "real job," is what it comes down to. Not a "kid job." Which means I need transportation. Blegh.

I AM IN OVER MY HEAD. I swore that I would not be, and, look at that, I AM.

And what, pray tell, has been occupying my every thought these days? No, not really my car, or finding a job. Not whatever disaster of a mess I've gotten myself into with Bevan. Nope.

I'm still writing that god-awful fanfic.

Which... feels good to be writing, but at the same time, damn, could I waste any more time?

Blegh.
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You want to know what happened to me at work today?

Well, it was my last day at the Coffee Co, that's what.

I got to work, went inside, and Kiva (my manager) said Renee (the owner, and my manager at the other store) was there and needed to talk to me. I was like, uh, okay, whatever, and Renee gave me this little prepared speech about how I can't just pick and choose when I want to work, if I'm scheduled to work I need to come in or get my shift covered, and that "reliability has been a problem" with me and not showing up yesterday was the icing on the cake, and I can consider myself officially no longer an employee of the Coffee Co.

I call bullshit. Reliability has never "been an issue" with me. There have been three times, in the year and a half I've worked for her, that I haven't come to work. One, when I had to go to court. Two, I missed three days and I had a doctor's note, and three, yesterday. And as for yesterday, I said specifically to Kiva on Monday, "if I stay today, I am not coming in tomorrow." She did not say "if you don't come in tomorrow, you're fired." And lets not forget the reason I had to stay so late on Monday was because other people called out at the last minute. And then there are all those times Shaina called out the morning of her shift because she wanted to take her kids to the park or some shit like that. I am not unreliable. I have never heard of a job where only one employee is never allowed to take days off, never allowed to call in sick, never allowed to have a vacation or whatever. Other people do it all the time, I, for some reason, am always required to cover for people who are taking days off, and have never been allowed to take a day off myself. I was also hired with the understanding that I had the five am shift until a new person was hired - three new people were hired and I never got off the five am shift. When I "got moved" to the other store, to which I had no transportation to, I also had the five am shift every day. Everyone else rotated, they each got one five am shift a week. I got one every day. Kiva said it was because Renee told her those are the shifts I wanted. Which is bullshit, of course - my second job is at night, why would I want a five am shift? They trolley doesn't start running until seven, why would I want a five am shift?

And the really messed up thing is, I LIKED that job. )

And now I'm home. And I'm still kind of stunned about getting fired. I've never gotten fired before, ever. And I really want to know what happened to all those people who called out on Monday and made me have to stay so late - I bet you anything they still have jobs. Not really sure what I'm going to do about money. I'm not going to make enough. I should be more worried than I actually am, I think. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet or something.
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No luck in the second-job search. I know it can take some time to find a job, any kind of job, even a minimum wage job, but I need money NOW.
No emergency room last night. No, no, none of that. No time for that shit. I could feel it coming, the answer to "my shoulder hurts": oh, does it?
I dunno what's going on with my shoulder, but I figure, it has to be in my head. Something's very wrong with me, and I am certain its not something that can be fixed by the ER.
How can pain like that fucking switch sides?
I was busy all day at work framing shit. No pain.
I come home, settle down, chill out? Pain.
It's gotta be in my head.
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Julia called me this morning and told me not to come in to work. I think she's trying to save on hours or something. I know she told me she had a full-time position for me, but she really doesn't. Not unless she gets rid of her intern, and she's not going to do that because the intern works for free.
I'm not holding it against her or anything, but I've only been working about 25-30 hours or so. I got that first check, the one for all the work for her I've done so far, and it's not enough.
Not even close.
One, I'm never going to be able to pay back the city for the fine I owe. It's huge. It can't be done. But I do have to pay a certain amount every two weeks. So I payed that. I payed the minimum on my credit card, which I'm never going to be able to pay back that whole think either. I bought a phone, because I've been trying to get a second job and I can't because I have no address, no phone number, and nevermind the criminal record.
I wonder how much of this I can hide from?
If I close my bank account...
I mean, I've been paying my credit card online, out of my account. If I close the account and just cash all my checks, will my credit card ever be able to even find me? After all, I don't have an address. But then, I won't be able to use the card either, so I don't know how much good that would do me in the end.
I could sell this computer I guess. But I'd rather not. I don't know how much good it would do me, in the end, anyway. I need a ton more money than what this machine is worth. It would be like a speck in a bucket, or whatever.
If I could find a second job, I might be all right with money, but just barely. As it is, I have about 40 bucks to last me until next paycheck.
But, I hate to say it, I don't know how well I could handle a second job. That's a lot of hours to work. I've done it before, of course, of course I have, but I feel like I couldn't do it now. I feel like I've really been knocked off my feet here, figuratively, anyway. I can, literally, stand. Just to clarify that.
I'm thinking a restaruant. I'm thinking I could be a hostess somewhere? Restaurants generally don't care about criminal records, I don't think. And they hire immediately. So maybe that's where I should be looking?
I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to look up every day, be happy I'm alive and be happy the sun shines and all that, but all I can think of is how am I ever going to climb out of this?
And I'm so fucking lonely.
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I've had one of these things before, an internet journal, on diaryland. I didn't do so well with it, tho. One, I was too lazy to capitalize anything. Two, the site often didn't work and I was too impatient to wait. Mostly, tho, it's three, which would be that all I wrote about was how I was continually fucking up my life.

I'ma try real hard not to do that anymore.

I've been out of the hospital for exactly one week today. I feel... okay. I've been holing up here in the house for the first few days I was back, because I've been surrounded by people prying into my every action for so long (it wasn't that long, but it was too long for me) that I just wanted to be alone for a bit. But yesterday I took the train to Philly and just walked around a bit. I was supposed to be looking for a job, but I didn't look very hard. I was just enjoying being... out. It was okay.

And today I am also... okay.

I stopped in a coffee shop and ran into a girl I went to school with who has basically guaranteed me a job. I was hoping something like that would happen. I really didn't want to go apply for jobs at like the mall or anything. Most of the jobs I've ever had I've gotten because I have a connection somewhere, like when I worked at the ceramic studio. And I loved that job. I even didn't mind working at the restaurant, that job wasn't bad either. Even working two jobs wasn't bad, it gave me less time to think.

Maybe I should start looking for a second job?

Julia is a girl I went to school with at Temple. She has graduated now and works in a print gallery. The owner is moving away, and Julia has been the manager for about a year now and she has needed to hire another employee for a while but has been hesitant cause it will be someone she has to work with every single day and she wants to make sure its someone she will get along with. I should really have told her that I am not all that easy to get along with, but instead I told her that I've worked in a gallery before (which is true, I wasn't lying) and that I'm very reliable. She told me to come on in on Monday.

It won't be a bad commute from Camden. Hopefully I can find a place in like a month. I know I will need a security deposit so I guess I shouldn't start looking until I have a few paychecks. There are still people that I know in Philly, and I bet if I had told Julia I had no place to stay she would have said I could sleep on her couch, or found me a couch to sleep on. But I don't want to do that anymore.

There was a girl I met in the hospital who got there when I did and got out when I did. She asked me to room with her, you know, get a place together until we've got things more straightened out, but I did a good thing when I turned her down. She was all about turning her life around and living clean. She was really, super into that. I'd destroy her resolve. Either that or she'd steal my pills. Or both. I didn't want to put her in that situation. If she was really an addict or a junkie or whatever you want to call it, and if she's that obsessed with going straight now, well, she can't live with me. I couldn't do that to her.

So I'll just stay here in Camden until I can move myself. I'm not going to float around the great area of Philadelphia looking for a couch. I'm almost twenty three years old; that was cool when I was eighteen but it's gotten mighty old by now. No fairy godmother is going to come with her wand and tap me on the head and fix my life up, I've got to start dealing with what I've got and going from there.

I had a nice time in the city. I had a nice time having coffee with Julia. I didn't breathe a word to her about being in the hospital, for all she knew I've just been in Camden for a while. I didn't want her to think I would flake out on her if she hired me, and I don't know. If I managed a print gallery, well, I don't know if I'd want to hire a "recovering drug addict." And I don't know how else she would see me if I told her where I've been. Actually she talked to me quite a bit about how she thinks she wants to marry her boyfriend. Geez. Everyone is growing up now!

Most of my friends are a few years older than me. That really helps me in getting jobs (this isn't the first job thats just fallen into my lap) but it makes me feel like I'm incredibly immature. And maybe I am.

I went around to some other galleries, but it wasn't really the galleries that interested me. It was a nice day. It wasn't beautiful weather or anything, actually it was kinda grey, but it wasn't cold or windy. It felt a lot like fall, even though it's winter now. And I felt very, very alone walking around, but somehow I felt like that was okay, cause people could see me.

I'm going to keep up with this journal. I'm going to keep up with this journal, and not just write in it when something goes wrong or when I'm upset about something. Things are okay right now, and I want to be able to go back in this journal and figure out exacty how I'm screwing things up. Because I can't help but feel like this can't last. It really can't last.

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Lara I.

October 2012

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