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I had big plans for today.

Instead, I am kind of wedged between my futon and my couch - so I'm sitting on the futon with my feet up on the arm of the couch. This is different from laying on the couch with my feet up on the arm, and this is different from sitting back on the futon with my feet on the ground, and this is different than sitting back on the arm of the couch with my feet in front of me.

My feet are up because they're swelling.

I'm sitting up because my back is fucking hurting like hell.

I just want to be still but I keep jerking around instead. It sucks.

I hate my body.
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Erica is still here. I'm thinking Erica doesn't have a job any more since she worked for the campaigns... I would rather she not be here right now. I don't even mean not living here - I'm not sure about that yet, but that's not what I meant. I just want the house to myself because I'm fucking miserable and I'm sure I'm being a bitch. She keeps trying to have a conversation with me and I keep telling her to leave me the fuck alone.

She's washing the dishes right now, I can hear her. I think she wanted to clean to give herself something to do and to prove she's a decent housemate, but of course I cleaned everything under the sun yesterday when I was mad.

I'm not mad anymore. I got over that. I mean, I can only spend so much time being angry about things that I can't change. It's just a waste of energy, and I never seem to have enough of that as it is. I don't know how the rest of the world does it - I feel like I'm always pushed to my very limits, mentally, emotionally, physically, everything. I'm just permanently exhausted. I guess I'm getting old or something.

Cut because I keep going about getting old and falling apart. )

I think I'm going to watch the last two episodes of "Life on Mars," which I've kind of been saving for a good time to watch them both together. And try to relax and chill out. Or something.


Oct. 14th, 2008 01:13 am
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So... well, we'll start with the good news: Phillies won! Very stressful game, too! I was on the edge of my seat, too, I mean, seriously, way to recover AT THE VERY LAST MINUTE.

I listened to the game on the internet. At home. Not at a bar. Not with B or any friends.

You wanna know how my "date" went?

Apparently I'm doing it wrong.

Thursday is my day off (always) and Erica is driving me to AC so I can get on a train to Philly. Getting picked up by Krissy - my ex - but this is not how it sounds. We're hanging out with our mutual friend D, the one who was shot last year and also has a SCI, like me, only his is a higher level. I was supposed to go to this party he was having a few months ago, but I couldn't make the transportation work, so I had to bail. I'm going to Philly to see him, because he specifically said he wanted to see me.

I've never wished for "back in the day" more than I am right now. I miss my house in North Philly. I miss how I could hear the train going by - I thought it was so cool to hear the train and I never got sick of it, ever! I miss sitting out on D's front porch with Daniel and Jay and everyone else, just shooting the shit all night. I was always "blah blah blah Winnie" or later, "blah blah blah Krissy" and that's how it's supposed to be. I get hung up on girls. GIRLS. Every time.

I'm NOT one of those girls who was confused and was going through a "phase." This is part of WHO I AM. It's not going to change.

Besides, apparently I'm doing it wrong anyway.


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Lara I.

October 2012

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