exhilaration: (Default)
So, you may have noticed I've been conspicuously missing from your flists.

No you haven't. But now that I mentioned it perhaps you do recall that I haven't been around for a few days :P

I have been being social and stuff. It's been a blast. I have a lot to say. LOTS.

Of course nothing is perfect. And before you click the cut and skip to the end, NO, nothing has changed in regards to the previous entry. I am still wallowing in mountains of sexual frustration.

But aside from that, other things have been going on. I think I lose at friends, for one thing. )

I try very hard to be happy. I take a pill for that. But I'm just always so fucking lonely. I would like not to be lonely but... sometimes I feel like my brain is just stuck that way or something. How can I be lonely at Matt's place, with Matt right there? How can I be lonely in Bevan's car, with him right there with me?

It's hard to just go for what you want most when you don't even know what it is you want to begin with, isn't it?

But I did have a very good time. And I'm back now, home, here, whatever. Still the same person. Still the same everything.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
I woke up this morning hung over.

I woke up at eight. That's really, really late for me. I'm used to waking up at three thirty every morning, and if I go back to sleep I usually wake up again around five or so.

I did not wake up until eight. So I guess my sleep schedule is already getting weird on me.

My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulder hurt. My back hurt. My hands hurt. My face hurt. Every fucking thing hurt.

I tried to get out of bed but the floor dumped me back in. It can do that, the floor.

Okay, so, now that we've established I must have gotten drunk last night... )

Geez, if you read through all this, you're a trooper, that's for sure. Thanks. Even if you don't leave a comment, thanks for just reading. I think a few months ago in one of my entries I swore I wasn't always like this. Huh. Apparently I am always like this. Sorry to mislead.
exhilaration: (Default)
Sometimes I'm happiest when I'm not all that happy.

Sometimes I'm the most satisfied when I'm alone.

Sometimes lonely feels kind of like home to me,

and sometimes I want to just float away, into the air and the sky and the sound of waves and the smell of honeysuckle and cigarettes -

or at least keep things just like this - exactly like this - for as long as I can.
exhilaration: (Rose walking away)
I'm kind of... in some emotional turmoil right now.

I wish I hadn't gone to see Krissy. No matter how much I try to just shrug it all off, tell myself it didn't matter, tell myself "oh she wasn't THE ONE, it was all just for the sake of a good time..."

I am actually aching inside right now.

No matter how tough I want to be. No matter how callous I try to tell myself I am. No matter how often I say I can take it,

It's pretty easy to hurt me. All you have to do is get me to care.

I'd like to write it all out like a story, we went to dinner, we went to a karaoke bar, we had a bottle of wine at her apartment, etc, etc, etc, I just can't do it, because that's not how it will come out. It'll come out as this super-emotional heavily reflective no-one-cares-but-me drivel (that I've already written and deleted a few times over) that doesn't even have one of those nice neat ending sentences where Our Hero says, "well, through all this, I've learned blah, blah, and blah, and I guess that makes me a better/stronger/MORE AWESOME person in the long run."

I tried so hard not to fall too hard. Not to get too attached. Not to be too in love. Too obsessed. I made damn sure I didn't structure my entire life, my entire future, all my goals, all my everything around another person, even if that person is someone as incredibly wonderful as her.

Yeah, I tried, but all I really succeeded in doing was putting on a great big farce. Of course I fell too hard. Of course I cared too much. Of course I love her. Too much. And of course my stupid, moronic, confused self couldn't even acknowledge any of that. No, of course not.

And it's too late now. It wasn't a good visit. I didn't have a good time. I wish I hadn't gone.

Because nothing can ever be the way it was.


Jan. 31st, 2007 07:16 pm
exhilaration: (Default)
I love the fact that my mom doesnt know my new phone number. Or where I am. Or where I work. Or anything at all.

Although I am really lonely.
exhilaration: (Default)
I haven't always been home on Christmas.

But I've never been alone for Christmas before.


exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

October 2012

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