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1. Just kidding, I really have no idea.

2. It's just that sometimes it feels so stupid not to want people to look at me.

3. After all, I look at everyone else - I am a people watcher.

4. I notice when people's socks match their outfits and stuff like that, but I also notice people's moods, when someone is nervous or distracted or irritated or amused or relaxed or focused or anything else.

5. Sometimes I feel like self-consciousness is related to self-obsession - after all, no matter what it feels like, it's NOT all about me, is it?

6. All these little things that concern me likely concern only me, so, logically, shouldn't I just chill out?

7. If emotions could be ruled by logic, though, an entire profession would be out of business.

8. Yeah, that.

9. I do get it, though, that my lack of trust in other people's good opinions can get annoying, irritating even, and definitely pushes people away.

10. Being reassured ten bazillion times is awfully nice, but it feels overly indulgent and I'm pretty sure eventually he's going to get sick of it. I don't thing this was such a big issue in any previous relationship I've been in, but, I don't know. Maybe I'm a different person now.
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They Do Things Differently There

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about me and B and about how I still feel really uncomfortable about us - I was uncomfortable about us just hooking up and now I'm uncomfortable being his girlfriend. Why, though? I mean, seriously, why? The other night we were laying on the couch watching The Daily Show and somehow I got on the topic of me not being that great of a catch, etc, and he pushed me right off onto the floor and said I wasn't allowed back on his couch until I ceased to trash-talk myself. Um. I mean, yeah, I think the stuff I say is valid, but he says he doesn't want to hear it because he doesn't believe it. So... this is a good quality, right?

It kind of occurred to me that I'm really used to being jerked around by people I date, or try to date. I assume it kind of just comes with the package, like, okay, if I'm gonna fall for someone, then they're gonna jerk me around. Keep me guessing. Make me cry. Break my heart in the end. Bevan and I have certainly had our disagreements, but it's not really the same thing. He's not just playing around with me. It's not a game or a contest or whatever, and I don't feel like I have to have my "game face" on all the time "or else."

If anything, my going back and forth and back and forth like this is me jerking him around, and am I so inclined to act like this because this is what I'm used to in a relationship and since he's not doing it then I'm feeling compelled to behave this way?

I don't know why I feel the need to drag old relationships into this. He didn't know those people. He's nothing like any of them, and even if he was, that doesn't mean that whatever has happened before will automatically be repeated now. I've changed since then by the simple fact that time has passed. So I'm not the same either - why do I expect things to just run on a cycle or something?

Why can't I see this as something separate and individual?

In a way, I had sort of the same problem with Krissy. I mean, I think I sort of expected Krissy to be like Whinnie, and wouldn't let myself get too enmeshed in her life because since it didn't work out with Whinnie, I assumed it wouldn't be possible with Krissy either and I'd just save myself the heartache. Well, we all know how that worked out, right? No heartache was saved there.

I'm so bad at this. Seriously.
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Not a good hair day or a bad hair day - just a Hair Day.

I've been performing various degrees of manipulation on my hair since I was sixteen and never once let up, so I think I've got this hair thing down by now.

I mentioned my hair looked like shit, right? Wasn't holding the dye and was looking all nasty and faded?

Is fixed now, peeps. Sometimes hair situations have to be handled delicately, and sometimes this just takes time. After the first "oh fuck it all, I'll just dye it black" incident, to cover what would have been a lovely dye job on healthy - or even semi healthy - hair, well, I've just been conditioning the hell out of it. It hasn't really helped - and this didn't really surprise me. I've had white hair before, so I did understand when I decided to go for it again what would eventually happen to it. So... I caved, and cut it off. Left about two inches of dead hair, pretty much for styling purposes, so my hair is pretty short now. Four inches long I guess. I touched up my roots with black dye, and then put a red rinse over it all. So, it's black with dark red ends. Kind of a reverse of my hair last year, which was maroon with black ends.

Also, my birthday has come and gone. I'm twenty five now. Thanks to everyone who made me a birthday post!

Since I kind of consider my birthday to be my own personal New Year's, I try to do something decent for myself every year. Usually it's something like taking time to read a book I like or oh, I dunno, doing something cool with my hair, or something like that.

My birthday + relationship stuff )

We'll see if I've fucked things up good or not.
exhilaration: (Rose close-up)
This is my "good things only" contribution for today. Love that painting and love that artist.

This is what's really been going on. )

EDIT Ok fine, so that picture is no longer there... read about and view JMW Turner's work here and tell me how strangely compelling his work is...
exhilaration: (Rose walking away)
I've had so very few relationships in my life I've gotten any type of closure to. Romantic, familial, friendship - any kind. Most have gone awry. Most have been left completely unresolved.

Krissy is different. She's a different kind of person from anyone I've ever met. So I shouldn't be surprised that a breakup with Krissy would be different from anything else I've ever experienced.

I think she was right. I think we really did need to talk about things. I feel really lucky that I have an ex that not only wants to be civil but actually discuss the ups and downs of the relationship.

Krissy is not someone who's gotten so fed up and frustrated with me that she's declared, "ugh, no more of you, I just can't stand it anymore, you're no longer in my life." She does still care about me. She wonders about me, worries about me, and doesn't keep that a secret. If she's wondering, she contacts me. There's no ban on communication with us. If she's worrying, she asks me. There's no ban on compassion, either.

When Krissy met me she saw me as very immature. She assumed that I would "grow out of" certain personality traits as I got older. I can only surmise, from that statement, that upon meeting/dating me, she fully intended to be around me as I continued to get older. And she was. She's four years older than I am. When we met we were both in school, but she was just starting med school and I was just dropping out of school (again.) I think (and she says this too) that she saw me as someone she could "fix." That didn't really work out. I guess everyone changes and everyone grows up, but... that doesn't equal "fixed."

She's the kind of person who comes on very strong, and just kind of assumes people will fall under her direction without questioning it. I don't take direction very well, especially not by someone I consider a peer, but from her, it seemed different. I didn't quite see her as a peer, for one thing, since she's so much older than I am. That was a major issue. No doubt about that. A lot of my problems with the relationship stemmed from that one issue.

Because she's older than I am, I trusted/never questioned certain declarations of hers. That was a mistake. "Because I said so" mentality is for a parent and a child, not for two adults. It was always "Krissy wants this, Krissy says that, Krissy likes this, Krissy doesn't want to do that." There was nothing stopping me from speaking up, except that I for some reason was assuming she was always right by default. She, being a very controlling and opinionated person, never realized how off balance things were until after we broke up and she started dating someone else, who actually gave their own opinion and preferences and argued with her and stuff.

We had such good times. I was really, genuinely happy with her, especially in the beginning. I was walking on air. It was incredible. It was incredible every time I sat back and observed, hey, this is real, this is the real deal, she's for real. But people fall into patterns after a while, that are just so hard to break. Could we do it? Could we really have a healthy, balanced relationship? Maybe we could. Is it worth trying, though? The effort, the heartbreak, all of it?

I don't know, honestly. We "decided" it wasn't. Maybe that's just a cop out. Maybe I'm a little scared of a relationship that serious with such permanent intentions (or, more permanent than I've ever experienced, anyway.) Maybe the idea of uprooting both of our lives for a relationship that already failed twice scares us both.

But the whole "we can still be friends" thing, I know it's so over used and I know it's such a deception, but, being that Krissy isn't like anyone else, I think we are still friends. Of sorts. I think.
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Why am I at home singing Christmas music on my front porch?

Cause I have no neighbors, and I get a kick out of the fact that I'm pretty sure that no matter how loud I am, no one can hear me :P

Life, the universe, and everything in between )

Hence the Christmas music. See? Or what's supposed to be Christmas music, anyway. And if B thinks he's getting his guitar back to normal any time soon he can think again! And this will totally keep my poor brain from rotting away... right? Yeah, I often feel like I'm in danger of that happening. Not recently, though, I mean, I've been working on that NaNoWriMo project and stuff and that I'm sure helps too.
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I wasn't going to go to my aunt and uncle's for the holiday unless some of my cousins (besides the youngest one) would be home. They weren't going to be, so I was just going to stay home. My aunt and uncle aren't my parents and I'm not their kid and I don't get along that well with my youngest cousin and I'm still kind of mad that they knew I was here last year and alone and didn't invite me over or help me out in any way, not just for the holiday but pretty much ever.

Well, yesterday I called my Aunt Jen and asked her if I could bring a friend if I came, and she said that was okay. So... this is with the friend being Krissy, of course. I think the fact that she actually called me and asked if we could get together made me feel kind of bad for her, and, besides that, I miss her. I've missed her this whole time I've been away from her.

Cut because I have a whole lot to say. It's been a day like that. )

Krissy, against my better judgement, has gone back to Philly. She's got to be exhausted, but she said it would be easier for her to get the drive over with now and she said she'd try to sleep when she got back before her next shift. I hope she gets home without a problem.

I would really like it if she could be my friend. I've really missed her - I really miss being around people I'm close to, people who know me the way you can only know someone if you've been around them for years. But... I don't really think we can be friends without making it complicated. I, CLEARLY, have no idea how to just be friends with someone I'm close to. OBVIOUSLY. And that hasn't turned out so well for me so far.

Well, tomorrow is my first day of work at my new holiday job, and then a whole night of work at the restaurant. It'll be a blast. I'm sure.


Nov. 25th, 2008 11:19 pm
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Well... Krissy called me, I guess assuming I'd be by myself for Thanksgiving. She's working all day and asked me if I wanted to get together that evening. I said no thanks. Krissy is my ex, who is now a doctor and works in an ER. She doesn't have much of a family, so I guess she's doing all of... nothing, for the holiday. I dunno, though. I felt like I was doing this very good thing, all this time, by continuing to stay away from her. Like being around her was hurtful to me somehow - maybe it is, I don't know. But last time I got together with her I had a really good time. In a "for old time's sake" kind of way, I guess, and in a "wow, this is someone who's known me for a long longer than the year I've been living in New Jersey" kind of way.

Sometimes I feel like I made this huge mistake by coming here (and, indirectly, leaving her.) I think I've said several times in this journal that I moved here and then she broke up with me, but she broke up with me because I moved here. In my head, I was doing the right thing. I was living with her not because we romantically decided to move in together but because I didn't have anywhere else to live. I couldn't afford an apartment of my own and everyone I knew had already sworn off ever living with me. I saw no possibility of ever getting a better job - a different job, yeah, sure, but one that actually paid better than what I was making? No. And that was my art gallery job. I liked that job a lot, but I wasn't making enough money to support myself.

And life just seemed so utterly... hopeless, like, I tried to look ahead and it was all just blank and nothing. And I mean, I'm an adult. I'm not a kid, I'm not being forced to stay in a situation that isn't healthy. I figured there had to be something I could change - so, when these houses got pretty much dumped on me... I took it and went with it. Ok, so, I'll never have a "good job." I've got no degree and a criminal record. But, I'll have the income from these houses. So, I will be able to afford, you know, life. I didn't see any other way to do it. I didn't intentionally decide, okay, I'm leaving Krissy, then. But being that Krissy was finishing med school in Philly and I'm here in New Jersey... I did leave her.

But to her... to her, she put up with all my shit, bailed me out when I needed it, gave me chance after chance after chance, and I just up and left like it didn't mean anything to me at all. And it did, it did mean quite a bit to me. I trust Krissy and I trust her opinions and when she says to me, "this mess wasn't your fault" I can believe her, and it means a lot to me to hear someone say that.

But I don't know, was she supposed to be more important to me than being a functional adult member of society? Was she supposed to be my everything? Does the fact that she definitely wasn't everything to me, that she wasn't more important to me than getting a better handle on my own life, mean that she couldn't possibly be "the one" for me?

Or... did it mean that the time just wasn't right? As in, maybe the time is right more like... now? That's kind of a scary thought, isn't it? And all this because I had a nice time with her last time I saw her, and now she wants to spend time with me for the holiday. I told her I didn't want to because I have this idea that I should stay away from her, but really, do I have to? If I want to spend time with her, because I like her and I like how I feel with her, well... why shouldn't I? Yeah, we were both pretty hurtful to each other. She's been very hurtful to me - very. But what I haven't written about was how she apologized - how she agreed with me that some of the things she said and did were hurtful, and how maybe me living with her (and living off her) wasn't a very healthy thing to happen in our relationship right then. She pretty much told me everything I always wished she would say, and I was just like, "whatever."

I think that may have been a mistake.


exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

October 2012

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