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And yes, I will continue to refer to spending the night with someone as a "sleepover." What of it? :P

I did the coolest thing. I've done one cool thing in the house so far. And it's made all the difference. This house is now MINE and I want to be here.

So this house has a really lovely bay window in the back. From the outside the window has like it's own little roof - there is no bay window above it upstairs or anything. From the very beginning I wanted to sleep in the bay window and have like a walled garden outside of it. Well, I have no garden and no wall BUT, for the past three nights I have been sleeping in the window.

Usually I sleep on the couch. If I sleep over at B's, well, he sleeps on a couch too but it has a bed in it, and we pull out the bed if I sleep over. I do have a bed here, and at the other house I had it set up like a platform bed with plywood and cinderblocks, but here the mattress has just been propped against a wall and I've been sleeping on the couch because that's where I usually am more comfortable sleeping anyway. I also have a futon I can fold down if B wants to sleep over with me but it's pretty uncomfortable for sleeping on so usually we don't do that.

Well. I have made this amazing discovery. There is a such thing as MEMORY FOAM and I am in love with it. So now? Now I have a new I-wish-I-was-a-platform bed set up in the bay window - my uncle cut more plywood for me so it sits right in the shape of the window and my mattress is on the board and then in the non-rectangular area I have stuffed foam and pillows and stuff (I know, ghetto, shush) and then, see, I did the most amazing thing. I bought a king-sized memory foam pad, cut it to fit the mattress and the rest of the non-rectangular space, and put it over the whole combination and so NOW I have a bay-window shaped memory foam bed and I AM IN LOVE.

The left over pieces of memory foam I piled up on the one end of the bed, because sometimes I'm more comfortable sleeping half sitting up (which is why I sleep on the couch a lot) and memory foam is freakin' amazing. I sleep so much better - I'm absolutely astounded at how much of a difference it is.

I'm never sleeping on the couch again. Seriously.


Jan. 26th, 2009 10:45 pm
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Well, after deciding several weeks ago that it would benefit me to join a gym - I have actually done it.

We'll see how this goes.

Also I got my last paycheck from my retail job in the mail today, and I promptly spent it all.

Money sucks.

Mad Skillz

Jan. 10th, 2009 02:23 am
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I have mad skills.

While driving slightly faster than 55 mph on the parkway, I can open my car door and untangle my seatbelt, close it, and buckle said seatbelt, without letting the car door fly open or off its hinges and without accidentally driving into the other lane or the guardrail.

And I drive with hand controls :P

Also, I got a really freakin' awesome birthday present yesterday. Truly, nothing can compare.

But now? Now... I'm a lil' intoxicated :P
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Well I got my Christmas miracle today. Wasn't even expecting one.

What happened?

Ok so I have a holiday job at a store in AC ringing people up. I work in a very highly trafficked area with minimal parking, huge crowds of people, retail everywhere, etc. I spend about $20 a week getting coffee from Starbucks, because there is a Starbucks nearby (and there is no Starbucks on the island, and the only coffee shop at all is the one I got fired from...) and I spend another $20 a week on gas for my car so I can get to AC to go to work. So, I make, oh, about a hundred dollars a week, or maybe a little less than that even, once you take out what I spend to get to work and what I spend at work. Hm. That's not really relevant to the story...

Well, really it is. Because it shows that I still think it's worth it to have this job. I'm that short on money that the extra hundred a week matters. (Don't tell me to give up the caffeine habit. I'm addicted. And since caffeine is legal, I'm safe.) I live pretty much on credit - loans and credit cards are everything. It's kind of a scary game to play, but I think I'm playing it all right for the moment. If I really pull it off, it won't always be this way. But for now it is.

I hit someone's car in the parking lot today. I scraped their bumper up and cracked my headlight. I don't know what I was doing - I'm just a really bad driver, I guess. I was just like, yep, I'll pull in to this space, it's fine. It wasn't fine. And the person was right there.

I was like, OH SHIT. "I'm so sorry, I'll pay for it" is not an option, cause I can't pay for it. Sucking it up and exchanging insurance info isn't an option either, because I don't have insurance. And yes, I am aware that it's illegal to drive without it. Every way I try to work it, I can't figure a way to afford it.

And the owner of the car said to me, "don't worry about it."

YES REALLY. "This car is old and beat up anyway, just forget it. It's not a big deal."

He could have sued me. He could have called the police. I could have been sued, fined, and without a license again. But he just shrugged it off. It was an old beat up car, but even so, he still would have been well within his rights to call the police, especially if it came to finding out I had no insurance.

I've been nervous about driving without insurance for EXACTLY this reason. I'm unlucky, and a bad driver besides. When this job is over... I really think I should just stop driving until summer when I can afford an insurance policy. Obviously this was my Christmas miracle, or "get out of jail free" moment or whatever. I NEVER get those. I certainly can't count on getting another one!
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Why am I at home singing Christmas music on my front porch?

Cause I have no neighbors, and I get a kick out of the fact that I'm pretty sure that no matter how loud I am, no one can hear me :P

Life, the universe, and everything in between )

Hence the Christmas music. See? Or what's supposed to be Christmas music, anyway. And if B thinks he's getting his guitar back to normal any time soon he can think again! And this will totally keep my poor brain from rotting away... right? Yeah, I often feel like I'm in danger of that happening. Not recently, though, I mean, I've been working on that NaNoWriMo project and stuff and that I'm sure helps too.
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After work today I went out with Erica - usually on Sundays I work the lunch shift and then hang out with Bevan - there's usually some type of game event at his place, Rock Band or Guitar Hero or MarioKart or something, but since it's been a while since I've spent time with Erica I decided to hang with her instead.

Yes, even though I'm still mad at her. What am I going to do, be like, ok, our friendship is now cancelled, leave me alone?

We "went shopping" although neither of us really shopped. It was kind of more of a "drive around and buy necessities" kind of shopping, which, since I don't drive, is still pretty useful and definitely not something I'd turn down.

I noticed, while going through my LJ tags, that whenever I write about Erica I write about Bevan too, and whenever I write about Bevan I write about Erica. Wtf, Lara? )

That's that. I'm going on not one but two dates. One on Thursday and one next month.

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Yes, you read that right. I am going on a date, I really am.

How this came about is a little bit odd


I have real actual big news that has nothing to do with going on a date:

I have money.

I have taken out a loan on my other house, because I now have the go-ahead to do what I need to do to the property. My bills for this month are all paid now. My fridge is full of groceries and... I have ordered myself a super deluxe cappuccino machine. It will be here in three to five business days :P

I have found renters for my upstairs. They're kids - they're seventeen and eighteen, three of them, two guys and one girl. Apparently people do that around here, get their own apartments when they are seniors in high school, because housing is so cheap in the wintertime. So that rent coming in will take care of... the loan payments for the first loan. What I make at the restaurant I guess will go to the rest of the bills, and if I run short, well, I have all the loan money to back me up... until that gets spent on the house... but by that time it will be next summer and I will have people renting both floors of this house and hopefully one floor of that house as well HOPEFULLY YEAH RIGHT AS IF I COULD PULL THAT OFF IN THAT AMOUNT OF TIME!

But also I am going on a date - oh wait, also there is Erica and then there's me being moody as well... )

If this was a family event instead of a friend I think I would have said no. I don't know, something about being introduced to the family as "my date" is just too bizarre for me.

I've never been to a wedding before and I'm not convinced I really want to go to this one. I don't know the people getting married - I've never even met them.

And I've had a weird, weird week. This was just the icing on the cake, really. I'm going on a date.
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But Gonna Post Anyway

Voice posts are so freakin' fun, aren't they?

Well I went to the beach today, yes, it's true, I really did. I just kind of decided, a few days ago, that I really, really wanted to. I live here. I used to dream about living here. I used to wish I could go to the beach any time I wanted. I don't know if I'm still going to be here next summer - I still don't have another job, I still can't get the other house properly zoned - for all I know my whole entire plan is going to go completely to shit and I'll be somewhere else doing something else entirely in another year. Somehow that made me do a complete one-eighty about going to the beach.

Erica insisted we go to her beach. Erica is a mainlander (unlike me, see, I'm an islander, that's how we talk around here) and so, for reasons completely unfathomable to me, she considers Wildwood her beach. I've been to Wildwood plenty of times. I've been on that beach maybe... once? Ages ago? But I did know that the beach is huge. I did know that. I remember that. I just forgot it.

Ok, ok, ok, so it's not really five miles from the boardwalk to the ocean. It's more like a quarter of a mile. But seriously. It's fine, though. Whatever, I don't care, so I needed help to get across the beach to where we were sitting. I should have remembered how wide the beach is in Wildwood. My bad, really. Not a big deal.

I got a suntan. I dug in the sand. Slept. Listened to music. Wore something really skimpy. Got ocean water dumped on me. My hair dried with salt water on it and looks... very strange right now. Drank Smirnoff Ice. Dug a hole in the sand for my bottle to keep it cold/hidden (no alcohol on the beach, obviously, and no glass bottles allowed either) I brushed Erica's hair.

And I totally intend to go again next week.

I guess I've finally been converted.
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So, I got something pretty exciting in the mail -


I have a driver's license now.

The excitement lasted all of the few minutes it took to put the license in my wallet over top my state ID and now...

Wtf do I actually do?

Here are my choices: Get insurance on my car, get the car repaired, inspected, and registered, and, you know, drive it, and end up completely blowing my carefully worked out budget.

Or, leave the car at the other house, unregistered and uninsured, and continue to have people drive me to and from work or walk two miles in the mornings or wait for the meager amount of transportation around here (that doesn't run in the winter.)

I think I can't afford to drive. I really, really can't. I don't think I'm going to be able to make my bills and loan payments if I'm also paying for car insurance, and my car needs about $1500 of repairs before it can be registered, and I don't have that either. Yeah, I could put that on a credit card. I do that with enough other stuff. But if I keep doing that shit, I'm just going to end up maxing out the credit cards. And I sure can't put the insurance on the credit card... can I? Even if that was an option, it doesn't seem like a very good one.

My driving record is so horrible that my insurance would cost something upwards of five hundred a month, and that's just absurd. That's six grand a year. Of course, letting the insurance lapse this past year didn't help at all, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And here's the thing - I'd almost be okay with driving without insurance. Unless I got pulled over or in (another) accident, I'd never get caught. I'd almost consider it worth the risk. But that's not even an option, cause I can't get the car registered without insurance, and driving around with the car not registered is something I COULD get caught doing, very easily, and is the main reason I haven't just been driving around with a suspended license anyway.

I'm also the worst driver ever, and would just rather live somewhere were I can get on a bus or a train or something and not worry about driving in the first place...

I do not like it here.
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So I went and sat on the edge of the beach today and drew for a few hours, it was really nice. Even though it was warm and sunny outside it was still pretty cool, especially closer to the water like I was, so eventually I got cold and went home.

When I got back my download was finished and I got to watch the Pompeii episode!

I'm not going to review the whole thing, or spoil anyone, but I was thoroughly impressed. Season three started off with me being seriously skeptical. Season four is doing just peachy, as far as I'm concerned.

So now I'm hardcore obsessing about paint. My kitchen floor is black and beige tiles. Big beige ones and small black ones. They have like a stone-ish texture. Same kind of thing on the wall above the counters. I wanted shiny black and white tiles so I could do it all nineteen fifties-ish, which would have been fab, but, really, white tiles? Shiny white tiles? So, what, I'll have to scrub them with bleach to keep them white, and rub them with mop and glo to keep them shiny? Yeah I think maybe not. If this was my house, that I was going to be living in, then yeah, maybe. For renters? No way. Carpet (eventually) is gonna be a beige-taupe kinda color. Like dirt. So it doesn't show dirt. And it's going to be the burbur kind of carpet, so it doesn't get all visibly worn and stuff.

So I have been debating about what colors I want the rooms. I've had it in my head that I want the living room to be a sort of pale baby blue color, lighter and more pastel than the outside of the house, which is a sort of blue-slate color. I also had this idea that I wanted my shutters to be maroon instead of white, but I'm not even going to go there. They're white and I'm not touching them and that's that. So the living room and the "dining room" share a wall, and the "dining room" shares a wall with the kitchen. Long ago I wanted the kitchen to be like sea foam green, to go with the black and white tiles, but of course that is not the case. So, I guess it should be blue to match the rest of the front half of the house. Except, I don't want it to be blue. But, I don't want it to clash either. I was thinking maybe a darker blue (and this is just a very little bit of wall we're talking here, so I don't know why it being blue is bugging me so much) or maybe even light grey - I don't know.

The bathroom really is going to be sea foam green, cause that's a great color. Maybe the kitchen should match the hallway? Cause I don't want the hallway to be blue like the living room/dining room either... I want the biggest bedroom to be peach walls with green accents. The smallest bedroom can be yellow walls with like cream and pink. I dunno about the middle room - I already did blue and green and yellow and peach, what does that really leave? I can't do purple, I hate purple walls. Maybe the kitchen and the hallway walls should be beige-sand colored, and the middle bedroom should be slate blue like the outside of the house - I have white curtains for that room, that would probably be nice. I'm not sure. It has to look really fab, though, because people are (ideally) gonna pay big money to stay here.

John said he'd go with me to get all the paint sometime this week - he's a waiter at the restaurant, and he's always asking me if I need stuff done around my house, and totally jumped on my "omg paint for me!!" sign. Apparently people always ask him to help them out but no one ever offers to pay, they think it should just be a favor from a friend. Well, friend or no, if someone does something you'd pay anyone else to do, well, you should pay them. Anyway, he's painted lots of houses, so hopefully he can be a good judge of how much paint too get.

He said he might bring Ruth along, if that's okay with me, because he said "she likes that kind of shit" I guess meaning decorating. I know Ruth owns a house on the island too. Maybe it would be good to have her advice, I should probably take her up on that.

I always feel kinda awkward around those two. One, they're both in their thirties, and they pretty much act like teenagers, as far as I've seen. That and, they're both obviously screwing each other, and Ruth is married to some other dude. So that's just kinda odd. But whatever.

Oh PS. I paid my taxes. Yes, I really did. I didn't spend all the money I have on stupid shit and have none left over for taxes. I seem to recall something about my mother insisting I was going to do that. Well, so there, mom. I didn't.


Aug. 13th, 2007 11:44 pm
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And so. This has been a very eventful summer. And I say that with the utmost seriousness.

Some things have happened.

I own two houses. I inherited them from my grandparents. I had no idea this was going to happen. I don't know if all the grandchildren inherited hugely valuable things, or if it was only me because I'm the one who was there for them these past few years, but my family is so screwed up and uncommunicative that it is unlikely I will ever find out.

I did not go to the funeral, by the way. I assumed that my parents would be there and I did not want to see them.

So, these two houses: it would have been worth my while to just sell the properties and take the money. But I'm really, really bad with holding on to money, and I'm really, really good at racking up debt. In fact, I just racked up some debt just now: I took out a loan, a big one. A really huge one: I have more money now than I ever have in my entire life. But see, I own two properties. So the bank was basically like, sure, we'll give you whatever you want!

The bigger house, the most disasterous one, is going to be gutted and totally re-done, competely. The other one, well, I have been/am in the process of using the money I have to slowly turn it into a real house as opposed to like a disaster of a falling down building. Actually, two houses. I'm just working on the first floor for now. And yes, I am still here in New Jersey, and yes, I have been sort of living in the one house.

I've also been sort of living with Krissy. I don't actually see her much because she is doing her ER rotation this summer, or whatever. But she gave me a key to her place, so I have been putting it to good use, even if it just means her coming home to find me already passed the fuck out in her bed.

Like I said, it's been fun. Sigh. I'm getting old. I really am. I was inspecting my face for wrinkles the other day. I didn't find any; just the regular old dark circles under my eyes and they've been there for a while. Every so often I look at myself and think, well, I guess I'm fairly attractive, if nothing else, but really, there's got to be more to it than that. There's lots of attractive girls out there, more attractive than me, and they're like, healthy and normal and stuff and don't whine and moan all the time and fuck their lives up at every turn. So I'd better keep that 1000 watt charm beaming brightly, or she's gonna get real sick of me real fast.

And sick, did I mention sick? I've been sick this summer. Legitimately sick, and too stupid to know it. I guess I've spent so much time just trying to ignore pain that I've lost the common sense to think, hey, if I hurt, something must be wrong.

I have a job; I am a hostess at a restaurant on the other side of the bay. Was a good move, getting a job there, cause there are lots of nice servers looking for extra money who can do things like fix up a house. They're worked as contractors before, and stuff, and everyone always needs a little extra money here and there. Conveniently, I even have the funds to pay them. And I help where I can - I painted the porch railing, lol. It's been hot and I've been sick and I have money and the money is specifically for fixing up the houses so... still I feel like a huge bum and a huge diva for just sitting around directing people on how I want things done.

And... I made a couple friends, or friendly aquaintences, anyway, at the restaurant, just a couple girls who like to invite me out for drinks every so often. I know, I know, I said I was done with having friends, but I said I was done with having girlfriends too and it seems I kinda sorta maybe somewhat have one, sort of. Anyway, we're not close or anything and maybe it'll be different, maybe I'm not so toxic of a friend when I have my own couch to sleep on.

Who knows?
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I haven't been writing in this journal much, even though I said I would. It might be that I'm not good at following through with anything, but then again, it might be that I have no one to write about.

All kinds of things have been happening in my life, in fact, I'm about to move out of Julia's apartment to MY VERY OWN HOUSE in NJ, but I haven't had anyone to share them with, not a single person, and that makes me not have much to write about, for some reason.

So anyway, yesterday I fell off a ladder in the gallery, just like Julia said I eventually would, and just like I insisted I definitely would not do. And then, well, then I fell again, also at work, and banged the back of my head really good on the counter and was knocked out for about thirty seconds or so. And Julia made me go home for the rest of the day, even though I was really fine.

And so I went home (Julia drove me because I guess she didn't want me to fall again on the sub?) and while at home I took a shower and then stared at myself in the mirror for a while and just really despised myself and my whole life. You know, I really never got the hang of calling myself disabled. I never did. I'm feeling weird even typing it now. And that's weird in itself, because I am. There's really no question about it. And then I got to looking at all these disability comms here on lj and thinking about joining a few, I don't know what the fuck for, I mean, I can't stand listening to myself bitch and moan half the time, I don't know why I would want to listen to other people do it too.

And no, I did not end up feeling lucky that I can do all the things I can do compared to all those other people who can't. No, I just got really annoyed at people complaining how able bodied people think about them. I mean, come on, how they think? Who the fuck knows what goes on in someone else's head, how do you know they think you're stupid because you're in a wheelchair? Maybe they think everyone is stupid, wheelchair or no! I just hate, hate HATE when people make assumptions on why they're being treated a certain way. The truth is, there's no way to ever know, not unless you develop some kind of mind reading abilities.

ANYWAY. I have a lot more serious issues going on in my life than whether or not I can jump up and down, believe it or not. Maybe there is a "my entire life sucks" comm I can join, or something. Then again, that'd prolly just piss me off too. I hate other people. 'Specially other people who are always trying to one up everyone else on who has it worst. So maybe no my-life-sucks comms for me after all :)

Yep, that was a lil' smiley. I am actually in a fantastic mood. It's from two things. One, KRISSY came over today to hang out with me. First time in a LONG WHILE that I've even heard from her. We didnt' part on very good terms. But basically she has decided to fogive me for a few things, because she missed me. That's kinda cool, I think, that I was missed :)

She's starting her last year of med school. That's kinda cool too. I love when people are successful, even if they aren't me. And she's also the first person I've hung out with socially in a very, very long time, ever since I got out of the hospital actually. And, much as I hate to admit it, I think that detoxing in the hospital was one of the best things I could have done. It was getting to be SCARY how many pills I was needing to take, then, and I haven't even TOUCHED that amount yet, not even half of it. Maybe my body really needed to be reset, or something. But anyway. Krissy knew I had been in the hospital. I have no idea how she found out, but when I told her, she said she already knew, and not to worry about it. That was sweet of her.

She has always maintained that I don't have a substance abuse problem, and she should know, because she's practically a doctor. I made some crack about "playing doctor" and well, er, we messed around a little. There's nothing like an incredibly hot girl to boost your self image, man, seriously. Never you mind whatever thoughts I had yesterday while looking in the mirror. I guess I'm just fine after all! Either that or my personality is just so scintillating that it doesn't matter what the fuck I look like. Oh wait, I'm a complete miserable bitch who hates everyone. Ha ha, must be my hot bod then :P

So Krissy, while I was cooking us scrambled eggs at midnight, said to me, very bluntly, like she tends to do, which is why I love her so much, "So, like, are you, like, getting better?"

And I'm all like, wtf? Is she talking about taking less pills, or what?

"No," she says. "Are you seeing a new therapist, physical therapist, or something?"

I'm frying eggs right then but I'm like, "uh, no, I'm not seeing any physical therapist, I haven't in ages, WHY?" and then I'm all paranoid, like, what is she talking about, how can super smart Krissy the med student have missed the fact that I'm not injured so I'm not going to get better, I mean, I WAS injured, and this is the effect. I'm not ever going to get better, ever. SHE KNOWS THAT, right?

"I've just never seen you walk this much, that's all," is what she said.

WALK MUCH? "What are you talking about?" I ask her, and I'm totally confused. I'm sitting on a stool in front of the stove, and she's sitting in a folding chair at the plastic table. "What do you mean, walk this much?" Try, walk at all, which I can't, not without some kind of support.

"Well, your crutches are in the living room where they've been the whole time I've been here."

"Cane," I say pointedly.

"Yeah, and that's over by the door."

"I'm sitting down."

"I've known you for a while now," she tells me, "and I've been around you pretty much, don't you think? You've been all over this kitchen without touching the cane, and I've never seen you do anything like that, ever. You said you couldn't walk on your own at all, and you did, I fucking saw you, just now. So what's going on?"

"Small kitchen," I say, but what she's saying is starting to sink in. I get off the stool and walk all of one step to the fridge without even touching the counter, but then I lean against the cabinets for balance. I grab for the other folding chair and walk a step towards that, and hold on to it. Goddamn, she's right. She's fucking right. I'm absolutely, totally, and completely stupefied, and Krissy is laughing at me.

And so. I can? A little bit? Walk? And I have been for a while now, around the apartment, here and there, without realizing it?

I mean, that's not even possible. HOW can it be possible? How can it be POSSIBLE?

And you know, right then I wanted to call my mom? I didn't, of course, and I wont, but for like a half second there I really wanted to. Just so I could tell someone. See? You think I never do anything? You think I'm a fucking failure at life? Check THIS out.

And then me and Krissy messed around a little bit more. And then we just laid around talking for a while. Eventually she went home. I wish she hadn't. It's not even that I'm in love with her, although I like her just fine. I'm just lonely. And I'm astounded, half at my own cluelessness. I mean, I thought life was seeming easier, just a bit, but I thought I was in a better mood, or something. Or maybe I was in a better mood because simple things just didn't take so freakin long, and I didn't even realize why, because I am just that dense.

Yep. Dense as hell. That'd be me.
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I got paid yesterday and... my paycheck was... kind big! Apparently, when I work in the frame shop, I get... commission!. Meaning, my two week paycheck is almost as big as that four week paycheck I got before. What a suprise that was! Also I got a nighttime job at the Bean Shop, which I was skeptical about before because working at the print gallery is weird hours, but Julia wants me to be her framer, and that's regular daytime hours and I can be part time evenings at the Bean Shop. The intern can do the gallery stuff. I take the framing work because, like I said, commission!

So, not that I'm trying to get ahead of myself or anything, but, with the extra money from the second job and the commission, maybe I can finally find a place to live. It's the part about the security deposit that kills me, really, not the rent part.

So maybe... things are looking up?


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Lara I.

October 2012

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