exhilaration: (Default)
I had big plans for today.

Instead, I am kind of wedged between my futon and my couch - so I'm sitting on the futon with my feet up on the arm of the couch. This is different from laying on the couch with my feet up on the arm, and this is different from sitting back on the futon with my feet on the ground, and this is different than sitting back on the arm of the couch with my feet in front of me.

My feet are up because they're swelling.

I'm sitting up because my back is fucking hurting like hell.

I just want to be still but I keep jerking around instead. It sucks.

I hate my body.
exhilaration: (angry adipose)
Let me tell you what I feel like right now.

My back hurts.

I don't believe for a minute the simple statement "my back hurts" is an accurate description of what I feel like. Let me try again.

The center of my back is ON FUCKING FIRE. There is a white-hot ball of fucking fire dead center between my shoulder blades and the pain is radiating outward and upward across my shoulders, up my neck and into my head.

Did you know that pretty much every time you move your back moves? Did you know that you use your back to do pretty much everything?

Of course, it fucking hurts whether I move or not, so I might as well move, but not if I'm going to end up passing out from the pain. Or puking my guts out. Neither is ideal.

Yes, I have already double-dosed on anything that could possibly help. This is it. I should have just taken a tranquilizer and knocked myself the fuck out, but there were things I wanted to do today. I would rather have done them anyway, even half out of my head on painkillers, but that's not going to be possible, I'm in too much pain to do any fucking thing at all, and I can't do a fucking thing about it but just sit here and take it.

No tranquilizer, see, because I certainly don't want to OD. And yeah, you can tack "again" on to the end of that. I don't want to OD again.

I don't want to watch a show because I can't even fucking pay attention to it. I'm just so pissed - why does my body do this to me? Why does it not comprehend that there IS NO FUCKING FIRE in my spine and react accordingly? I am doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to be doing - I AM DOING IT RIGHT, WHY DO I NOT GET MY WAY?

I felt fine yesterday, what THE FUCK did I do differently today?

I don't have work today - I do have work tomorrow. So what do I do if I keep feeling this shitty? I can't go to work - I can hardly get the fuck up. If I keep calling out of work, I have to bring a doctor's note - so I have to go see a doctor, who will be like, blah blah blah, oh, you say you're in pain, SORRY ABOUT THAT, why don't you try this that and the other thing that HAVE NEVER WORKED BEFORE? Hm wait, let's see, are you sure you're not just trying to get DRUGS?

I want to be so advanced that I can make my brain tell my body it simply refuses to register this kind of UNCALLED FOR BULLSHIT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I haven't felt pain this intense in years! My shoulder? My shoulder hurt? NO IT DOESN'T, THAT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.

And there's nothing I can do. There is not one single thing I can do about it.

exhilaration: (me)
From [livejournal.com profile] inanna_ishtar, because she asked :P

Wow... I'm the worst person ever )

I'm also, you know, a grown up... sigh. I guess I can see being a bad influence, kinda sorta, I mean, ok, so, perhaps I had a small little problem with drugs, perhaps I got in a small little shit pile because of it... but most people don't have perfect lives and always make the best choices every single time... and besides most of these things are things most adults have done at least once...


Today is a hurt day. My head hurts. My back FUCKING HURTS. My shoulders hurt - yes, both of them, a LOT. My hands hurt. My hair - it hurts.

Also, my feelings are hurt. So is my pride.

Life sucks.


Mar. 26th, 2008 12:12 am
exhilaration: (Default)
Sometimes I just feel really sick of life. Not BEING ALIVE, just, living my life. Mine, specifically. It's like, okay, I've been tormented enough now, can I get a break now, for just a bit, can I just have things go back to normal?

Ah, but they are never going to go back to normal, are they?

I burned myself cooking tonight. It hurts. I burned myself on the inside of my wrist, too - really sensitive skin there. Probably going to leave a hideous scar. I can't wait. Hot oil for the win.

I, ah, did something I'm not real proud of, and I've been feeling pretty unsettled about it for a few days now. Yeah, it's Tuesday, so it's about that time for the weekend to catch up with me I guess.

I hooked up with the bartender from my restaurant, is what it comes down to. I'll spare the gory details, but - yeah. That's what I did. Because - I don't know why. I thought I didn't like guys anyway? I mean, I like him fine, I have no problem with him, I don't find myself particularly attracted to him though. We're not even friends. It just... happened. And he was really drunk, I guess, because the next morning (oh god, I can't believe I'm even writing this sentence) he acted like he didn't really remember exactly what happened between us.

But he drove me to my house, let me go inside and change, and then drove me to work. So, I mean, it's not like he was being an asshole about it, but still. He didn't remember much from the night before. I, of course, remember it just fine.

So I've seen him a few times since then and he's pretty much acting like it never happened. So am I. And I have this weird feeling like everyone at work is talking about us or something. I don't like it.

I think I like... feeling attractive. I guess I must - if all he had to do to get in my pants was act like he wanted in, I mean, geez, go me, right? That says a lot about my self-respect now doesn't it. But it's not like I've had any type of action - hell, it's not like anyone has so much as even LOOKED at me since, oh, since Krissy was here that one time. Ages ago.

Unsettled - unresolved, I guess. I feel like I'm waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Whatever that's supposed to mean.


exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

October 2012

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