exhilaration: (impossible things)


Some people eat comfort food. Well, I don't really eat for comfort... but I listen to music for comfort. I mean, I listen to music all the time. I think I recently explained how central music is to my life and my thoughts... and I know I've said countless times how amazing Leonard Cohen is. I said I went to the Radiohead concert and I said how I've got all of OK Computer pretty much memorized. My LJ name is from a Foo Fighters song, and someday I'll expound on just how much Nirvana means to me. I can probably recite the entire Downward Spiral, effects and all, and I can chat on and on about my current crushes, like The Killers and Mika and Hello Saferide and Regina Spektor.

My comfort music is folk and bluegrass.

When I first moved here I really fixated on my speakers and my mp3s and playlists - I'd pretty much never lived by myself before and I was scared to death this house was going to drive me to insanity. I'd dedicate entire days to entire albums, and so on. But the music that makes me calmly happy and warm and fuzzy inside is my parents' music, music from when I was a little kid. I think I've got Ok Computer ingrained in my consciousness? Then I go back to this stuff, and it's in there even deeper. I know every word of every version and every nuance every artist who performed these tunes brought to them.

Childhood memories and stuff )

Also, from my anon meme, I learned that somebody on my flist thinks I'm a hottie :P THANKS ANON! I BET YER A HOTTIE TOO!
exhilaration: (Rose close-up)
I worked all weekend. Got stuck very late at work friday night - I didn't get home until almost three, and we close at one, and I wasn't even supposed to be there until close in the first place. I've been trying pretty hard to make work as least awkward as possible - Saturday night I always do take-out, which means I'm at the bar, and Saturday night is B's bar shift, and last week I bailed and got someone to cover me so I wouldn't have to work so close with him. This week he switched with another bartender and waited tables I guess so he wouldn't have to work so close with me. Yeah... we were talking to each other, I mean, we had to, we had to talk to each other because we're working together. It's a restaurant - teamwork, and all.

But Sunday - I mean, one of us had to say something at some point, I guess. When lunch was ending and the dinner shift was coming in I was kind of hanging around by the bar - I had asked, at the beginning of the shift, if B could drive me home, and he said okay, so I was just waiting for the other bartender to come in. And we have been talking - about nothing. About the Phillies - incessantly - oh, did you know, the Phillies are in the world series? I am starting to fall for the team, really, I am. They're hardcore. I'm in love with all of them. I can't believe I saw them play that first time over the summer and could barely pay attention to them. Not now, my friends! Now I am glued to the screen!

So yeah, we've mostly been talking either about working or the Phillies. Safe topics, or whatever. But Sunday afternoon B kind of leaned on the bar and looked at me and was like, "will it do me any good to apologize to you?"

And when did I ever say I wanted an apology, anyway? )

But the whole time I had this weird feeling that this is the last time we'll ever do anything like that. Like it's already too late. Like we've both already said too much and we can never go back to the easy way things were. Now it's either going to be complicated, or it's going to be over.

And that's what I was trying to avoid all along. I'd say he was doing the same thing, but really I have no idea.

It makes me kind of sad.

Disgust.

Oct. 6th, 2008 11:14 pm
exhilaration: (Default)
Well, I apologized to Erica today.

I don't know what's the matter with me sometimes. On the one hand, I feel like I should just be able to say, hey, that's the way I am, that's how I act, I am moody, I am angry, and I am often completely irrational, and you know, that's just the way I am so you just have to deal with it. But should "that's just the way I am" really be an excuse for bad behavior?

I guess what I'm really saying is that I really hate the attitude of "well that's who I am so I can't help it that I treat you that way." And I hate that as much as I try to be different, that is the way I am. Clearly, it is.

And you know, this upset me more than it upset her. She was really to let the whole thing just blow over - because she's already caught on to the fact that this is just "they way I am."

I TAKE A FUCKING PILL NOT TO BE THIS WAY!

What the hell would I be like without it? Or is it not working anymore? Ah, I've got it, I've built up a resistance to it! That would make sense, that would sure fit the pattern, now, wouldn't it?

Why did I have to be wired COMPLETELY FUCKING BATSHIT?

I can't talk about this anymore. I need to storm off. I need to slam some doors. I need to break something. A few things. I need to fly off the handle again. I can feel it brewing - and it won't make me feel better. It won't change a FUCKING thing.
exhilaration: (Default)
So, baseball - this is called postseason, and it's leading up to the world series. "My" team is the Phillies - New Jersey does not have a baseball team of their own. I sometimes don't realize that not every city out there has a sports team for every major sport there is, but Philadelphia does. And Philly kind of has a reputation for having really good sports teams that always manage to fuck it up at the last minute.

I mentioned I saw the game Thursday night at a bar. It was a very high-energy game - baseball can be very boring to watch but I am starting to get into it, like I said. And the game was great, there was a grand slam and everything. I think I'm starting to see baseball like one of my TV shows or something, weird, eh?

Anyway, I worked on Friday night, all night, and went home and sat around online and stuff. Saturday I worked all day and all night as well, but Saturday night I was doing take-out instead of being a hostess.

Doing take-out is kind of fun because it's something different to do for a change. Also, I don't have to stay in the lobby, I stay by the bar, and Saturday night is always Bevan's bar shift. If I'm not answering the phone or busy ringing people up or something, he always lets me make drinks and wash the glasses if I want to. It's kind of cool. So, Erica and Hanna came to the restaurant and sat at the bar to watch the Phillies game, just like she said she would, and I was kinda surprised by that. I was pretty much expecting her to bail on us.

So working was a little like hanging out, because everyone at work was watching the game too. When the game ended (and the game was awful, Phillies lost miserably, and it was a very boring and low-energy game) the restaurant pretty much cleared out, and since Bevan was the first bartender in, he got to leave first, and the four of us left together.

And I really should have expected this, since it was Saturday night and all. )

Yeah, go me. I am THE WORST friend ever. And that I-wish-I-was-a-dominatrix girl I mentioned that I used to live with? Yeah, I was a shit friend to her too.
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Honestly, I feel like the biggest loser when it comes to grocery shopping. It's the one thing I dread doing every week - and yet, if I don't do it, I have no food! First off, there is no longer public transportation in town, so if I wanted to actually go to the grocery store I would have to drive (and I have no insurance so that would be illegal, and knowing me, I would get caught, OR my car would fall apart, OR both). I guess I'm going back to getting my groceries delivered, but I really wish it just wasn't such a hassle to go to the store myself!

I miss living in Philly. I really, really do. Yes, I miss my friends, but even when I lived alone, I still miss that. If I needed something, all I had to do was walk a few blocks to a market or corner store or whatever. I never had to contend with a supermarket. The issue just never came up - I know when I had room mates they went to the supermarket. Sometimes I went along, but I was with them, so it wasn't the same thing.

So I asked Erica today if she would mind maybe possibly driving me to the grocery store - I pretty much told her that if she wants to live here she's stuck driving me around, but the grocery store is different, because it's not like she can just drop me off like she's taking me to work or something, and I really did feel bad for asking, but she said it was fine and that she should really go too so that she doesn't eat all my food (what she really meant, I'm sure, is that I don't have any food for her to eat...)

And it really wasn't a big deal, but )

PS. Dear Jason Werth,

My but that is a strange ass-beard you have growing there.

Your friend,

Lara

PPS. No, I still haven't gotten over the hyphen switching :P
exhilaration: (Default)
Ok so. To sum up this weekend nicely: I now have a housemate. Her name is Erica.

Erica came over real late last night. She did call first but it was just to tell me she was coming over, not to ask if she could come over or anything. Which was my first clue that something was the matter because she didn't sound quite right on the phone. Of course, she woke me up, cause I had been sleeping. And B was over, and he was sleeping too. She woke up both up, and he went home when he woke up, because he wasn't intending to sleep over in the first place, we just kinda fell asleep by accident. But I figured maybe she sounded funny to me because I had been sleeping.

Apparently Erica got in a big fight with her dad. She was absolutely hysterical, her eyes were all red and I've really never seen her that upset about anything. She is the kind of person who gets irritated by things, and makes it very obvious when something gets on her nerves or upsets her, but she's always completely in control. She didn't really tell me what they fought about, just that it was something stupid and she wasn't going back home.

Which was my first clue to the end result right there.

Erica lives with her parents. Erica graduated from college last spring and came back to live with her parents. Her plan was to take a year off and then go to law school. She's going to be a lawyer. She always said she doesn't mind living with her parents because they get along really well and respect her space and treat her like an adult and everything. And a lot of people around here live with their parents in the summer and then move out for the winter, because housing is always really cheap in the winter and super expensive in the summer. I mean, B lives with his dad. John, the waiter who does stuff in my house sometimes, lives with his parents, and he's almost thirty.

She does have a job now, by the way, She's had a job for a few months now - I tease her about her job, I say she works for Barak Obama. Well, for real, she does work for the Democratic party. It's some kind of non-profit job. I really know nothing about it other than that it's part-time and doesn't pay well but will look good on a resume or grad school application.

I really have no idea what went on at Erica's house that had her so upset. )

What it comes down to, I guess, is that I'm confused as hell, in general, like always, but I don't think Erica moving in here is a bad thing. I think it's a really good thing. So I shouldn't be all worked up like this.

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Lara I.

October 2012

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