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Well, first and foremost, my taxes - I have to fill out some forms and provide some information and get some things notarized (wtf do I find a notary? Anyone?) but one of my main concerns has been pretty much alleviated - I am not in a great big pile of scary and intimidating horse shit with the IRS. Although... as of right now, since nothing is resolved, or course, I still owe them money, technically - which freaks me the hell out. Which is why I was initially inclined to just re-do my taxes and pay the penalty and the interest. But I have this feeling that if I do that, I'll never get that money back, ever, and, as several people pointed out, the same thing will very likely happen to me next year.

...I'm pretty sure that this while production will land my parents in that very same horse shit pile, though. But... that's their fault, right? I mean, they have to know they were being fraudulent. So they should know that there are consequences for that kind of stuff. Right?

Oh, so many exciting things going on in my life, what to write about today? Hmmm, well, there's, I hate my job. Then there's a bit of I hate my job, too. And you know what? I hate my job, too. It's fucking boring and I can't stand it. Which job? Doesn't matter. They're both boring. Even the coffee shop. I used to think it wasn't so bad there but all my coworkers are in high school and all the tourists are idiotic and I've pretty much had it up to here with doing the EXACT. SAME. THING. Every day, day after day after day.

Yeah. I know. That's part of having a job and I should just suck it up and deal.

Except, for, you know, I've had so many jobs, and they haven't all been like this. I don't know if it's that I'm older now, and my older and more mature (lol) brain is getting frustrated working a "kid job" or that all this has been brewing for longer than I thought it has, or if these are simply the worst and least stimulating jobs I've ever had. It's probably the last thing I mentioned, though. Yeah, it's definitely that. These are just the worst jobs I've ever had.

So... moving on. Ah, I know, I went to the supermarket.

I feel like such a lazy-ass getting groceries delivered. I made this deal with myself about it, see... )

Tell you what, I am not cut out for the life of a soap opera star, that's for damn sure.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Told ya my life was exciting: parents who lie cheat and steal with no remorse, scared of the supermarket, frustrated with my shoulder, and intimidated by a situation I created with my own friends. GO ME.
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My shoulder hurts.

My shoulder has been hurting ever since I last said it was hurting. I've just been trying to ignore it. It's not absolutely intolerable, it's more of a constant dull aching, but the thing is, I'm on pretty strong painkillers all the time. If I can feel it through that, well, obviously something is very wrong.

I did get an x-ray and an MRI like I was supposed to, but I don't know anything more than I did before. Cause the technicians don't read the stuff, you know, they just take them.

I was hostessing at work tonight and I was the first one in so I got out early - Bevan and I went for a beer cause neither of us has seen much of each other recently. I didn't go out at all last weekend because I was so tired, and I'm just as tired now, but I've been getting antsy for company and it was just for like an hour or so. And my shoulder hurt so bad the whole time I was sitting there it was making my fingers go all cold and tingly. I dropped my glass on the ground, it broke, everyone thought I was trashed, and Bevan brought me home.

He offered me percs, which of course I turned down. I had to tell him I'm already on painkillers and if I thought taking more would help I had my own. He asked if I wanted him to give me a shoulder rub and at first I said no, but then I said okay. It didn't help. It felt good, but it didn't help. It's not nerve pain. It's not joint pain either, it's not in the bendy part of my shoulder, it's in the muscle part in the back, and it's so insistent, but it's just the muscles, it SHOULDN'T HURT THIS MUCH!

Finally I just asked Bevan to leave me alone and let me be by myself and miserable, and now I am.

Blegh.

Erica called me this afternoon. I didn't think she actually would, but she did. She said her family is having a Memorial Day party that is also a graduation party for her, and that I should come. I... don't think I am going to go - I know, I know, I am the one who randomly walked up to Erica in the diner and started talking to her, and I do know all kinds of stuff about her, but I still don't know her well at all. I've seen her all of twice in my life, and... I won't know anyone at her party-picnic-whatever, and I just do not feel like going. I feel like everyone there is going to know her and is going to want to know who I am and how I know Erica and I'll just be like, oh I met her in the diner one night, and she'll probably be totally busy will all her guests and wont have time to actually talk to me.

But if I don't go... maybe she won't call me again.

I just... usually I don't get like this. I'm not... shy, it's just that sometimes I don't feel like it. I don't feel like talking to strangers and being nice and polite and social. I do it all day long and all night long at work. And I like to socialize. I like being around other people. I hate staying home. But sometimes... it sounds strange to say it this way, but I just get really sick of myself. I'd like to give being someone else a try, I guess. Of course, there's a long list of things I'd like, and I'm no more likely to get my way on that one than anything else, so I don't know why I even bother.
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So yesterday morning I woke up with my right shoulder hurting. That's right, my right shoulder. Not my left shoulder.

WTF???

But, I took my muscle relaxer, and eventually it felt tolerable.

BUT FIRST. Ok see here is how my day went yesterday. I had to be at work at 5am. Ok, so, I left the house in plenty of time to get to work on time. I was not late. I am very rarely ever late. My boss, Renee, is late at least once a week. I think I've bitched about that before. So let me just say one more time that I was not late. In fact, I was probably a few minutes early. And the doors are unlocked and the lights are on, so I figure Renee is there already. Which is rare - usually she and I arrive at the same time, or I get there first. I go inside - it's Renee and Other Girl opening up. And I'm like... hi? And she's like oh, Lara, what are you doing here? We don't need you today, I have Other Girl coming in for you all week. And I was like, well, we spoke on the phone, remember, and I told you I was coming back today, here is all my documentation, doctor's note, etc.

And she just looked at me, didn't take the papers from me, and was like, "I said I didn't need you today."

And I was like, ok, well, when we spoke on the phone, you didn't say anything about me not coming in today.

And she was like, well, you said you couldn't work, so I had to get your shifts covered.

And I was like, yes, but I still don't see what that has to do with today.

So, screw you, Renee, this will now be a whole week of not working, and so this will be a skipped paycheck. Not a small paycheck, a skipped paycheck. No money.

So I stopped in the back to look at next week's schedule, just to make sure. Usually I work Monday-Friday at 5am, but my shift ends at a different time every day, totally randomly. Well next week she has me working 5-7. Yep, that's five am to seven am. Two hours every day. That's eight hours for the week. Usually I work about fifteen or twenty. EIGHT.

Like I said, though, my shoulder was really hurting and so I just left rather than say anything else to her, and went back home. Of course I couldn't sleep or anything, so I just screwed around all morning and got more and more pissy as the day went on.

Click to continue reading this long ass-entry. LOL I love doing that, sticking the hyphen in the wrong space! )

Anyway. Doctor Who hopefully tonight, definitely by tomorrow.
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So I did go to the doctor today (dear [livejournal.com profile] tenfeethigh, I also just wrote doctor with a capital D... and btw hope your finger starts feeling better...) and NOTHING DISASTROUS happened... I didn't get much information on what exactly the doctor thought was wrong with me, which is pretty much what I expected to happen, but he wrote me a prescription for some muscle relaxers, which I filled and promptly took and then fell asleep right away and woke up feeling better than I have in quite some time - he said if they didn't work after a few days to come back. They worked. I take it that's a very good sign. - He also wrote me a prescription for an x-ray and an MRI, which I had to call and make appointments for, OF COURSE like six weeks from now... and he wrote me a prescription for physical therapy, which... I am ambivalent about, but I guess I will go for a consult at least, if for no other reason than to see what a physical therapist says about the xray and mri...

I also got a note saying I'm allowed to return to work on Thursday, meaning that I'm not going to work tomorrow and Wednesday. I called the coffee co. and Renee made some comment about how "maybe you're just not cut out for this kind of job" and I was like "fuck you, I got hurt, it happens." No, actually I was like, "blah blah blah sorry, please let me keep my job" because I am pathetic like that. Either that or I am stubborn - she doesn't want me working there? Fine. I want to work there then. Funny, though, Vicky at the restaurant has no problem with me missing work, you know, for health reasons and didn't even ask me for a doctor's note. Go figure.

*Waves* hi to anyone who friended me from the Doctor Who comm! I've been going through some personal shit recently and I've really been unloading on this journal, but I swear, I'm not normally like this! And now that season four has started... *rubs hands together* so excited!

Alphabet meme from TenFeetHigh... )
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I am miserable. As in, mis-er-a-ble. Completely. I've had a fuck of a day. And I hurt. I mentioned I burned myself cooking? It hurts. It really hurts. It swelled up and blistered and now everything that brushes up against it hurts and it hurts even when nothing touches it and IT HURTS. Wah.

And MY SHOULDER HURTS. Again with the shoulder pain. Tonight it's my left shoulder. Actually, it's been my left shoulder for the past few days. In increasing amounts. At first it was just, meh, my shoulder hurts. Now I'm practically in tears. It's to the point where all across my back and all down my left arm feel weird and icy cold from the pain in my shoulder. I don't know what to do. I've already taken as many pain pills as I can - if I take more, I'll just get sick. They worked for, oh, two hours or so, but they've worn off now and I can't take anymore for another four and I am fucking MIS-ER-A-BLE. I don't know how I'm going to get to sleep tonight. I can hardly just sit still and type.

Work this morning (coffee shop) was not too bad, but work tonight (restaurant) was pretty god-awful. When I got there I was like, listen, I am not feeling well at all, is it absolutely necessary that I stay until close? And of course my manager was like, yes. Even though I'm not convinced it really was. I really, really try not to ask to go home, or call in sick or anything, because I don't want them to think I'm unreliable or anything, even if it's for health reasons. But I really, really should not have been at work tonight. Of course the other host let me just stand at the podium and take names, which was pretty pointless because the place just wasn't busy enough to need to take names in the first place - it sucked.

And I really don't know what to do about my shoulder hurting. It's hurt off and on like this for about a year now. It just started all of a sudden. Sometimes it stops, sometimes the other shoulder hurts instead (but never both) and I have all kinds of theories as to why this is happening and really, I guess I need to go to the doctor. But I'm kind of afraid the doctor will be like, well, your shoulder hurts because you put too much stress on it. You need to let it rest and give it a chance to heal. That, of course, is not what I want to hear, because "resting my shoulder" would pretty much amount to CRAWLING INTO A HOLE AND DIEING. Then again, the doctor could say nothing is wrong and it's all in my head. Cause if sometimes it doesn't hurt, and sometimes the OTHER SHOULDER hurts, well, that sounds like nothing is physically wrong, right? Or the doctor could say, this is all an effect from your last surgery, your nerves and muscles are confused, your brain is used to feeling pain so it's imagining your shoulder hurts because it can't register pain where it's used to feeling it - oh my imagination is just running wild with this.

I don't care about anything else right now. I don't care about meeting a pretty girl and telling her a story about a wide-mouthed frog. I don't care about Bevan not remembering having sex with me. I don't care about picking out furniture for my house. I just want to not be in pain - is that too much to ask? I understand that my body is never going to be normal again - I get that. But can I at least be assured that it's not getting worse? Cause it feels like it is. I feel like I'm falling the fuck apart. Like little by little every part of me is crumbling to pieces. When I said "I can do this," this is not what I had in mind.
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Now If Only I Could Actually Say It To Shaina...

I. Just had the most horrible experience.

Okay. Not the most horrible. But it was pretty bad.

The ground is covered in ice. Everything is covered in ice. I'm cool with that. I'm really, really careful, it's fine, I've got it. Everyone slides on the ice a little. It's fine.

IT'S NOT FINE.

One of the first things I had done to my house was to have it split into two. The only way to get upstairs is to go up the stairs on the side of the house. The stairs that are, like everything else, covered in ice. AND I LIVE UPSTAIRS.

That little voice, the one that was telling me from the very beginning, Lara, this is not a good idea, Lara, you do not want to go up and down stairs every day, Lara, this is your house, you should fix up the first floor for yourself before anything else, yes, that voice, I should have listened to that one, not the one that said, Lara, you could rent the first floor this winter, you know, you need the money, you can handle the stairs, it won't be a problem...

So there was me, clinging to the railing and making a complete fool of myself trying to get upstairs, it was really... it was completely humiliating, actually. The way the ice had frozen made each step like an incline of ice, and it was, it was, it was... it was completely impossible. I could not do it. I quite possibly have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Nothing says "I'm pathetic" more than knocking on your downstairs tenant's door and asking for help up the stairs. But I didn't know what else to do, and I was practically in tears just from the bitter cold, never mind the frustration and embarrassment and all the rest. I tried to pull it together a bit, but, seriously. I never want to repeat that ever again.

In which I make use of that thing called a cut, because I am going to unload like I never have before... )

Let me just daydream about my houses a little, or let me just daydream about friends that I don't have, oh, while I'm at it, let me just daydream about someday having a job that doesn't involve continued interaction with idiots, hell, if I'm going to daydream, why don't I go all out and dream about having a body that doesn't play games with me, then, eh?
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No luck in the second-job search. I know it can take some time to find a job, any kind of job, even a minimum wage job, but I need money NOW.
No emergency room last night. No, no, none of that. No time for that shit. I could feel it coming, the answer to "my shoulder hurts": oh, does it?
I dunno what's going on with my shoulder, but I figure, it has to be in my head. Something's very wrong with me, and I am certain its not something that can be fixed by the ER.
How can pain like that fucking switch sides?
I was busy all day at work framing shit. No pain.
I come home, settle down, chill out? Pain.
It's gotta be in my head.
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The intern and I hung a show today. The opening is on Friday night. I thought I was going to work the opening, but apparently the intern is, since she thinks it will help her build connections, or something. Julia I guess told us both that we would get to work it, and then forgot she told me.

Fine, whatever, that's just another Friday night alone by myself just like any other, and not enough money at the end of the week, just like always.

Also I went up a ladder today, you know, to hang some things, and Julia freaked out at me. She says I can't do that because I might fall off and get hurt, and then she'd get in some kind of legal trouble. I didn't really know waht to say to that, I mean, I thought we had already covered this? I told her I worked in a gallery before, and that I hung shows all the time, and took them down, and re-prepped the walls, surely she had to understand that meant climbing ladders, right?

It's not even that dangerous, I mean, I've never fallen off yet, and I've never nearly fell off, and I've never felt like I was about to fall off. If I thought I could fall, I wouldn't do it!

So, hm, it's my gallery experience that made Julia want to hire me, but it seems like she doesn't really want me in the gallery. "That's for the intern to do," she always says every time I start to do something. Ah well. I am learning a lot about framing from her, she's right, it isn't hard, and she's right again, I do pick things up easily.

Under my shoulder blade really hurts right now. And the weird thing of it is, under the other shoulder blade hurt this morning. And it really, really hurt, too, I didn't know what to do about it, I mean, I had already taken my shit for the morning and I'd hate to start taking double doses just for my shoulder. But maybe something is wrong, because I shouldn't really be feeling any kind of minor aches and pains from anything on these pills that I'm taking. But then AGAIN, why would one shoulder hurt so bad this morning and then switch to the other side tonight?

Could this pain be like in my brain or something?

My back feels all right. Not great, but all right. I'll deal. How can my shoulder possibly hurt more than a fucking metal plate?

One would think my shoulders might hurt from using crutches all these years. Maybe. I guess that makes sense. But how come now, how come not ever before? And why so much? It can't be more than a pulled muscle, right?

Who knows. I'm not a doctor, what can I say? I'm not good at guessing about my own body. Every time I try I'm completely off base.

It hurts so much right now I'd almost go to the ER, never mind the huge bill I'd end up with. I could probably get it forgiven since I have virtually no dollars whatsoever. They'd probably just think I was looking for drugs.

I'm not, I swear. I actually hate drugs. I'm just afraid something is really wrong.

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Lara I.

October 2012

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