Lara I. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
exhilaration) wrote2008-05-21 12:10 am
exhilaration) wrote2008-05-21 12:10 am
Entry tags:
"To LiveJournal" - The Infinitive Now Working Its Way Into My Internal Monologue
So I've had this journal for quite some time now. I had another one before this one. But I think I'm finally in the journal groove now, because when things happen part of my brain thinks "oh I can livejournal this."
For example I woke up this morning from a dream that left me a little disoriented and disturbed and thought, "hm, this would be interesting to livejournal."
Then, this afternoon, I went to the supermarket. I haven't been in the supermarket in months. I get my groceries delivered, thanks. Except today, I felt like being spontaneous and the trolley is running so it was actually possible for me to go. Even though I hate the supermarket anyway. And the whole time I was there I was like, "hm, this wouldn't be bad to livejournal."
Then SOMETHING HAPPENED at the supermarket, and I was like, screw everything else that happened, I'm livejournalling THIS ONE.
Then I went to work tonight and was like, you know, this is worth livejournalling.
LOL. I have a lot to say, but of course now that my day is totally over I'm just exhausted, and that includes my journalling skills as well. I don't think I can pull of such a clever and well put together entry as I had been planning to.
No matter. Pick your poison:
My dream
I'm sure I dream every night. Well, wait, I take that back. Maybe I don't dream every night, because I never sleep for very long at one time. To me it seems like I don't dream, because I don't remember my dreams. But they say you only remember your dreams if you wake up mid-way through them, and I very rarely do that. When I do dream, or remember what I dream, my dreams are pretty long and vivid, and always leave me feeling knocked off balance for a while after I wake up.
One thing that I've noticed about my dreams is that my dream-self is never terribly solidified as to what exactly she can do. Can she walk? She doesn't know. She's not sure. Sometimes she can. Sometimes she can't. Sometimes she thinks she can and then it turns out she can't. Sometimes she thinks she can't but then finds out she really can. Sometimes she realizes she's only pretending that she can't.
Once Krissy asked me if when I dream I can walk. She was being her regular old blunt self, and at the time I thought it was awesome of her just to come right out and ask me something like that just to satisfy her curiosity. I told her, I think, that it changes, sometimes even mid-dream, but it's a little bit weirder than that.
Last night I dreamed I was sitting down in a cafeteria about to eat lunch with Daniel, only Daniel did not ever actually appear in the dream, I just knew he was there next to me somehow. And who sat down across from us but my friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth died from leukemia a long time ago, but I still dream about her pretty often. I don't think about her much during the day, but she pops in and out of my dreams pretty randomly.
And I leaned forward and was like, "listen, I'm glad you're here, I've been looking for you. I keep trying to figure out how you came back to life - what are you doing?"
And she laughed and told me she had never really died, that she had entered some kind of super secret witness protection program, and I was all ohhhhhh wow, that's really involved, they even faked a funeral, that's intense.
And then she and I stood up and walked toward the door, and half way there I thought to myself, oh shit, she can see me walking, I'm not supposed to be able to do this, and all of a sudden my knees buckled under me and I caught myself on the edge of the table and was trying to hold myself upright.
Then the dream changed - I was still hanging on to something trying to make myself stand up, but Elizabeth wasn't there and neither was Daniel, I was with my family, only it wasn't my real family, it was all people I didn't know. We were at a picnic type event or something, and I was panicking because somehow, something had happened and I was stuck leaning against a table and couldn't go anywhere. My crutches were nowhere in sight, and my dream-self thought she never had them to begin with, and she was looking around for her walker, and kept seeing it places and asking people to bring it to her, but they never did. I kept thinking, okay, if only I can get someone to bring it to me, everything will be fine. In my dream my legs were totally not supporting me and so I figured I must not be wearing my braces - that happens in my dreams a lot and I guess it has to do with the fact that of course I do not sleep with them on - and I kept telling myself how stupid I had been not to put them on to begin with.
And then in my dream I "cheated" and walked a few steps to the walker, and felt relieved that no one had seen me so no one knew that I could actually walk if I wanted to, and I remember scuffing my foot against the grass to get some mud off my shoe before going back to pretending my legs didn't work.
And then I woke up convinced that there had been a ton more to that dream that was much, much more interesting and revealing but that I had already forgotten it.
And I was like, "damn, I'm livejournalling that dream. Who else has dreams like that?" So, yeah. My body plays trick on me even when it's just my dream-body, I guess, and leaves me waking up all kinds of disoriented.
The supermarket
So I decided after work this morning that I was going to the supermarket and buying a salmon filet and poaching it in champagne and eating it with dill sauce and rice pilav. Seriously, this was my big plan for the afternoon. That was the food I was craving, and I decided to just indulge and make it happen. I'm an awesome cook, of course, and of course usually I'm just too freakin' lazy to cook anything more than scrambled eggs, or perhaps and omlette if I'm really motivated. I pick up food from Wawa a lot too.
And I hate the supermarket. I hate the supermarket so bad. I always come back from grocery shopping completely pissed off. Half of it is that people just rub me the wrong way or something - I hate them, seriously, I hate them all. People try to stand directly where I'm already standing, you know, they're just so pushy and entitled, if they can reach whatever it is from the shelf better they'll do anything. This one woman kept trying to shove in front of me at the seafood counter, even though you like take a ticket and wait for your number to be called. She kept putting her arm out across the display blocking me from moving any closer because she had to be first. And then when they called thirty eight she actually yelled out, "I'm thirty nine, I want blah blah blah blah blah."
And was I like, shut up bitch, I'm thirty eight, and I'm getting my fish before you?
No, of course not. And the person behind the counter just went ahead and waited on her, leaving me to then try to politely be like, hi, don't wait on the next person, wait on me, you skipped me, and then of course the other person behind the counter kept trying to explain to me that I had to take a number, that we weren't waiting in a line, I had to take a number, and of course she wouldn't even look at me when she was talking to me so she couldn't see that I was holding my number up for her and that THEY SKIPPED ME because someone else was louder and more obnoxious than I am.
Then of course when I went to check out I was standing in line and other check out line opened, and the girl was like, "I can help the next person in line over here." She said that, see, she said THE NEXT PERSON IN LINE. But the two women behind me rushed on over, right past me, and again did the thing where the one woman stood with her arm across the aisle "reserving" the conveyor belt for her friend's stuff, and I'm like oh no no no, I am speaking up this time, I was supposed to be next. And so I said, "sorry, I was next in line."
Perhaps my mistake was starting with "sorry" because that implies that I am at fault. The woman just stares at me like I'm crazy and explains to me "she opened up another line."
Yes, I KNOW the cashier opened a new line. For whoever was next. That being me. Then her. Not her then me.
I just don't understand what it is with people and thinking they're perfectly entitled to do whatever it takes to be there first. I don't want to get in a screaming match with anyone in the supermarket, especially not someone my mother's age, and because I don't, well, other people always seem to end up in front of me and it pisses me off.
I told you I hate the supermarket. I knew one day I would livejournal my supermarket issues. In fact I should do it every single time I go. Just to prove that it's always miserable. Every. Single. Time.
THE OTHER THING
Ok so I'm in the supermarket standing in front of the chicken broth trying to remember if there is a particular reason why I shouldn't buy ACME brand or if it's just fine and dandy, and someone comes up behind me and SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME by saying right in my freakin ear
Hiiiiiiii, IIIII'mmmmm a wiiiiiiiddddde mooouuuuthed frooooooog, what do your bayyyyyyyyybeeees eat?
Erica.
Erica the really beautiful girl I met at the diner and told the really corny story to who told me her entire freakin' life's story at four am and then told me my house was disgusting.
Erica is back from college, apparently. Erica has graduated from college, actually. Erica will be around for a while. Erica is taking a year off. Erica just broke up with her boyfriend of several years. Erica is glad she ran into me at the supermarket. Erica really enjoyed our talk in the diner (Erica was probably bordering on drunk during that talk but whatever) and Erica got my phone number because Erica wants to hang out because Erica says she has no friends in town anymore because they've all moved away.
I had pretty much written Erica off as an anomaly. Yeah, I know she spilled her guts to me, cause I was there and I would listen, but I figured she would go back to wherever she came from and I'd never see her again.
I have Erica's number, I have Erica's number...
I am totally waiting for Erica to call me first, though.
I am very bad at distinguishing the difference between flirting and friendliness. I have identified this as a problem and am making an effort to alter this. Erica was not flirting with me. She was merely being friendly, and friendly is good, because I need friends.
My job
I got to work tonight to be told that yet again, I am doing take-out. I am now officially being scheduled to do take-out. The entire set up of the take-out stuff has been re-arranged, it seems, purely to make it easier for me to be the take-out person. This means that I am having no lack of hours at this job whatsoever. In fact, I will probably get overtime this week. I feel kind of... bad, about this, because it seems like it's just putting more work on everyone else so that I can do this job, and I never, ever asked for any exceptions like that to be made for me. But they seem really gung ho about me doing this. I think they could solve their entire problem by ceasing to hire complete IDIOTS. If they'd rather have me doing take-out, then obviously the girl doing it before (who just got fired) must have been completely incompetent. Because yes, I can accurately take an order over the phone and ring it in. No, there aren't a million calls during my shift saying that someone's order was screwed up. Yes, I can even look in the bag and double check that it's all there, and make sure there are utensils and everything in there. Especially since they've moved all the take-out accessory-type stuff to a shelf under the bar.
But seriously. If you CANT do something as simple as that, well, then there is something wrong with you.
That job rots my brain. The customers are stupid, my coworkers are stupid, and the management can be pretty stupid at times as well (I'm thinking of one person in particular here...). I have stepped in and solved or avoided so many problems in that place it pretty much disgusts me. Cause I ain't that smart or competent or whatever. They're all just the bottom of the barrel or something.
Of course really I'm talking about the other hosts. Some of the servers are cool people. And they do often say I'm "the only intelligent host" or "the only decent host" or whatever. So it's not just me going around feeling like I'm superior - other people are feeding my complex!
And that's really all there is to it, folks, I've now gotten all of my saved up inner monologuing out of my system. Ain't it great?
For example I woke up this morning from a dream that left me a little disoriented and disturbed and thought, "hm, this would be interesting to livejournal."
Then, this afternoon, I went to the supermarket. I haven't been in the supermarket in months. I get my groceries delivered, thanks. Except today, I felt like being spontaneous and the trolley is running so it was actually possible for me to go. Even though I hate the supermarket anyway. And the whole time I was there I was like, "hm, this wouldn't be bad to livejournal."
Then SOMETHING HAPPENED at the supermarket, and I was like, screw everything else that happened, I'm livejournalling THIS ONE.
Then I went to work tonight and was like, you know, this is worth livejournalling.
LOL. I have a lot to say, but of course now that my day is totally over I'm just exhausted, and that includes my journalling skills as well. I don't think I can pull of such a clever and well put together entry as I had been planning to.
No matter. Pick your poison:
My dream
I'm sure I dream every night. Well, wait, I take that back. Maybe I don't dream every night, because I never sleep for very long at one time. To me it seems like I don't dream, because I don't remember my dreams. But they say you only remember your dreams if you wake up mid-way through them, and I very rarely do that. When I do dream, or remember what I dream, my dreams are pretty long and vivid, and always leave me feeling knocked off balance for a while after I wake up.
One thing that I've noticed about my dreams is that my dream-self is never terribly solidified as to what exactly she can do. Can she walk? She doesn't know. She's not sure. Sometimes she can. Sometimes she can't. Sometimes she thinks she can and then it turns out she can't. Sometimes she thinks she can't but then finds out she really can. Sometimes she realizes she's only pretending that she can't.
Once Krissy asked me if when I dream I can walk. She was being her regular old blunt self, and at the time I thought it was awesome of her just to come right out and ask me something like that just to satisfy her curiosity. I told her, I think, that it changes, sometimes even mid-dream, but it's a little bit weirder than that.
Last night I dreamed I was sitting down in a cafeteria about to eat lunch with Daniel, only Daniel did not ever actually appear in the dream, I just knew he was there next to me somehow. And who sat down across from us but my friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth died from leukemia a long time ago, but I still dream about her pretty often. I don't think about her much during the day, but she pops in and out of my dreams pretty randomly.
And I leaned forward and was like, "listen, I'm glad you're here, I've been looking for you. I keep trying to figure out how you came back to life - what are you doing?"
And she laughed and told me she had never really died, that she had entered some kind of super secret witness protection program, and I was all ohhhhhh wow, that's really involved, they even faked a funeral, that's intense.
And then she and I stood up and walked toward the door, and half way there I thought to myself, oh shit, she can see me walking, I'm not supposed to be able to do this, and all of a sudden my knees buckled under me and I caught myself on the edge of the table and was trying to hold myself upright.
Then the dream changed - I was still hanging on to something trying to make myself stand up, but Elizabeth wasn't there and neither was Daniel, I was with my family, only it wasn't my real family, it was all people I didn't know. We were at a picnic type event or something, and I was panicking because somehow, something had happened and I was stuck leaning against a table and couldn't go anywhere. My crutches were nowhere in sight, and my dream-self thought she never had them to begin with, and she was looking around for her walker, and kept seeing it places and asking people to bring it to her, but they never did. I kept thinking, okay, if only I can get someone to bring it to me, everything will be fine. In my dream my legs were totally not supporting me and so I figured I must not be wearing my braces - that happens in my dreams a lot and I guess it has to do with the fact that of course I do not sleep with them on - and I kept telling myself how stupid I had been not to put them on to begin with.
And then in my dream I "cheated" and walked a few steps to the walker, and felt relieved that no one had seen me so no one knew that I could actually walk if I wanted to, and I remember scuffing my foot against the grass to get some mud off my shoe before going back to pretending my legs didn't work.
And then I woke up convinced that there had been a ton more to that dream that was much, much more interesting and revealing but that I had already forgotten it.
And I was like, "damn, I'm livejournalling that dream. Who else has dreams like that?" So, yeah. My body plays trick on me even when it's just my dream-body, I guess, and leaves me waking up all kinds of disoriented.
The supermarket
So I decided after work this morning that I was going to the supermarket and buying a salmon filet and poaching it in champagne and eating it with dill sauce and rice pilav. Seriously, this was my big plan for the afternoon. That was the food I was craving, and I decided to just indulge and make it happen. I'm an awesome cook, of course, and of course usually I'm just too freakin' lazy to cook anything more than scrambled eggs, or perhaps and omlette if I'm really motivated. I pick up food from Wawa a lot too.
And I hate the supermarket. I hate the supermarket so bad. I always come back from grocery shopping completely pissed off. Half of it is that people just rub me the wrong way or something - I hate them, seriously, I hate them all. People try to stand directly where I'm already standing, you know, they're just so pushy and entitled, if they can reach whatever it is from the shelf better they'll do anything. This one woman kept trying to shove in front of me at the seafood counter, even though you like take a ticket and wait for your number to be called. She kept putting her arm out across the display blocking me from moving any closer because she had to be first. And then when they called thirty eight she actually yelled out, "I'm thirty nine, I want blah blah blah blah blah."
And was I like, shut up bitch, I'm thirty eight, and I'm getting my fish before you?
No, of course not. And the person behind the counter just went ahead and waited on her, leaving me to then try to politely be like, hi, don't wait on the next person, wait on me, you skipped me, and then of course the other person behind the counter kept trying to explain to me that I had to take a number, that we weren't waiting in a line, I had to take a number, and of course she wouldn't even look at me when she was talking to me so she couldn't see that I was holding my number up for her and that THEY SKIPPED ME because someone else was louder and more obnoxious than I am.
Then of course when I went to check out I was standing in line and other check out line opened, and the girl was like, "I can help the next person in line over here." She said that, see, she said THE NEXT PERSON IN LINE. But the two women behind me rushed on over, right past me, and again did the thing where the one woman stood with her arm across the aisle "reserving" the conveyor belt for her friend's stuff, and I'm like oh no no no, I am speaking up this time, I was supposed to be next. And so I said, "sorry, I was next in line."
Perhaps my mistake was starting with "sorry" because that implies that I am at fault. The woman just stares at me like I'm crazy and explains to me "she opened up another line."
Yes, I KNOW the cashier opened a new line. For whoever was next. That being me. Then her. Not her then me.
I just don't understand what it is with people and thinking they're perfectly entitled to do whatever it takes to be there first. I don't want to get in a screaming match with anyone in the supermarket, especially not someone my mother's age, and because I don't, well, other people always seem to end up in front of me and it pisses me off.
I told you I hate the supermarket. I knew one day I would livejournal my supermarket issues. In fact I should do it every single time I go. Just to prove that it's always miserable. Every. Single. Time.
THE OTHER THING
Ok so I'm in the supermarket standing in front of the chicken broth trying to remember if there is a particular reason why I shouldn't buy ACME brand or if it's just fine and dandy, and someone comes up behind me and SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME by saying right in my freakin ear
Hiiiiiiii, IIIII'mmmmm a wiiiiiiiddddde mooouuuuthed frooooooog, what do your bayyyyyyyyybeeees eat?
Erica.
Erica the really beautiful girl I met at the diner and told the really corny story to who told me her entire freakin' life's story at four am and then told me my house was disgusting.
Erica is back from college, apparently. Erica has graduated from college, actually. Erica will be around for a while. Erica is taking a year off. Erica just broke up with her boyfriend of several years. Erica is glad she ran into me at the supermarket. Erica really enjoyed our talk in the diner (Erica was probably bordering on drunk during that talk but whatever) and Erica got my phone number because Erica wants to hang out because Erica says she has no friends in town anymore because they've all moved away.
I had pretty much written Erica off as an anomaly. Yeah, I know she spilled her guts to me, cause I was there and I would listen, but I figured she would go back to wherever she came from and I'd never see her again.
I have Erica's number, I have Erica's number...
I am totally waiting for Erica to call me first, though.
I am very bad at distinguishing the difference between flirting and friendliness. I have identified this as a problem and am making an effort to alter this. Erica was not flirting with me. She was merely being friendly, and friendly is good, because I need friends.
My job
I got to work tonight to be told that yet again, I am doing take-out. I am now officially being scheduled to do take-out. The entire set up of the take-out stuff has been re-arranged, it seems, purely to make it easier for me to be the take-out person. This means that I am having no lack of hours at this job whatsoever. In fact, I will probably get overtime this week. I feel kind of... bad, about this, because it seems like it's just putting more work on everyone else so that I can do this job, and I never, ever asked for any exceptions like that to be made for me. But they seem really gung ho about me doing this. I think they could solve their entire problem by ceasing to hire complete IDIOTS. If they'd rather have me doing take-out, then obviously the girl doing it before (who just got fired) must have been completely incompetent. Because yes, I can accurately take an order over the phone and ring it in. No, there aren't a million calls during my shift saying that someone's order was screwed up. Yes, I can even look in the bag and double check that it's all there, and make sure there are utensils and everything in there. Especially since they've moved all the take-out accessory-type stuff to a shelf under the bar.
But seriously. If you CANT do something as simple as that, well, then there is something wrong with you.
That job rots my brain. The customers are stupid, my coworkers are stupid, and the management can be pretty stupid at times as well (I'm thinking of one person in particular here...). I have stepped in and solved or avoided so many problems in that place it pretty much disgusts me. Cause I ain't that smart or competent or whatever. They're all just the bottom of the barrel or something.
Of course really I'm talking about the other hosts. Some of the servers are cool people. And they do often say I'm "the only intelligent host" or "the only decent host" or whatever. So it's not just me going around feeling like I'm superior - other people are feeding my complex!
And that's really all there is to it, folks, I've now gotten all of my saved up inner monologuing out of my system. Ain't it great?