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[personal profile] exhilaration
Erica is still here. I'm thinking Erica doesn't have a job any more since she worked for the campaigns... I would rather she not be here right now. I don't even mean not living here - I'm not sure about that yet, but that's not what I meant. I just want the house to myself because I'm fucking miserable and I'm sure I'm being a bitch. She keeps trying to have a conversation with me and I keep telling her to leave me the fuck alone.

She's washing the dishes right now, I can hear her. I think she wanted to clean to give herself something to do and to prove she's a decent housemate, but of course I cleaned everything under the sun yesterday when I was mad.

I'm not mad anymore. I got over that. I mean, I can only spend so much time being angry about things that I can't change. It's just a waste of energy, and I never seem to have enough of that as it is. I don't know how the rest of the world does it - I feel like I'm always pushed to my very limits, mentally, emotionally, physically, everything. I'm just permanently exhausted. I guess I'm getting old or something.

I know twenty-four isn't old. I'm just comparing myself to how I felt four or five or six years ago and I just don't remember being so tired all the time. I remember doing more and sleeping less. But maybe not, because I still remember being totally exhausted then too. Sometimes I think it's all in my head. Sometimes I think my head and my body live in two different realities or something.

I can't get anything done today and I don't think I can go to work tomorrow. I already called and said as much - and again, I was assured it wasn't a problem and not to worry so much about it, that my shift would be covered and everything would be fine. I feel like all I ever do is call out of work, but Vicky (the GM) said people call out all the time and there are plenty of people who make a habit of it and take advantage of her kind nature (lol) but I'm definitely not one of them.

I'm doing a shit job of taking care of myself. I really am. The list just goes on and on. I don't eat enough - I know I don't. I never have much of an appetite and so sometimes I just don't eat anything. I know how unhealthy this is and I'm sure it has a lot to do with why I'm always so tired - where can I get energy from if I'm not taking in enough calories? I know I should just eat anyway even if I don't feel hungry, but I don't always do that.

I don't exercise as much as I should. I do exercise, but it's not enough. I feel like I'm losing muscle strength, because things that are supposed to be simple are starting to feel more difficult.

I take too many painkillers. The ones that are supposed to be taken "sometimes, when it's really bad" are getting taken more and more. They make me high and they make me stupid and I'm having trouble trying to get my prescription refilled. I tried to see a doctor around here and he wouldn't renew it and acted like I was just trying to get high. So - I have to get to Philly - again - some time before I run out, and go back to my doctor there to renew it. When I realized some where missing (and I SWEAR some are missing, I am NOT delusional!) I got really freaked out because I know I'm at the point now that without them the pain would feel twice as bad as it should. You know. Cause my body is so used to them.

I hurt. A lot. It's getting worse and worse and I don't really know what to do. I guess in this journal I try to make it sound like I have this fun life, hanging out and going to bars and oh, sleeping around and stuff. I don't want to whine and moan and mope about how much I hurt because the more I think about it the worse I feel. I have nerve pain in my spine that is sometimes really, really horrible. Usually it's mostly controlled. But when it's not, all I can really do is sit in a ball and try not to cry. It's awful.

My shoulders feel this deep dull constant pain all the time. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. If I'm resting, it hurts. If I'm moving around, it hurts just as much. Nothing really takes it away, ever. My hands hurt and my wrists hurt - my fingers tingle and go numb sometimes and the ER doctor I saw said that was probably nerve damage. Fabulous. My nerves hate me.

There has to be something I can do... right? I need to find a doctor who has an office closer than 100 miles away. Preferably in this state. I need to find a doctor who doesn't see me as a junkie first and a patient second. I need to find a doctor who doesn't think I just need to suck it up and deal with the pain. I've been trying to do that and I can't. Suck it up and deal AND find a new doctor, that is. Both.

I need a new prescription for physical therapy and I need a new place to go. This is what I tried to do before - this is what the doctor told me, that I need to start doing physical therapy and the ER doctor told me the same thing, that I need to exercise ALL my shoulder and back muscles equally and it will help with the pain, because then one muscle group won't be putting so much strain on the others, or something mostly like that. It made perfect sense. I tried to follow that. But the PT was total BS and it didn't help at all and just made me more tired and more stressed besides, because I had to worry about getting there and scheduling life around the appointments and so on.

I have insurance through my job now. It kicked in in September, when I had been working there for a year. I think this might make a difference. Anyway, something is different now and so I should try again, because if one factor is different then the outcome could be different too... right? I need to do something. As much as I try to do myself, whatever exercises I do at home are obviously not enough, or not the right ones, I don't know, I mean, I guess my body does change as I get older, my routines should change too, that makes sense. But I'm getting ahead of myself, here, because I DONT have a prescription for PT and I DONT have a new place to try.

And of course if I make a doctor's appointment to try to get one, well, that appointment will be in about three months or so, of course, and so in the mean time I'll just... continue to hurt, and get worse?

I wish I could see a mobility therapist. I wish I could know how well I'd be able to walk if I were rich, or something. Cause... I hate this, I really do, but I am starting to lose mobility, because I'm not using it. I rely completely on the crutches. I can use just one, but not none. I remember when I lived in this tiny little apartment in Philly, when I worked at the gallery, and I left the crutches by the front door. I only used them when I left the apartment, cause it was just one room and so small and I really only needed a cane. Or nothing, just walls and counters and furniture and stuff.

I have gone backwards. It's a use it or lose it thing. I guess I've lost it. I'd like to blame my balance - I take more painkillers now than I did then and that fucks with my balance, and I guess that's a big factor. But that's just depressing as shit. I never harbored the delusion that someday, in my lifetime, there would be a cure for a spinal cord injury. But I am well aware of all the state of the art programs out there that are restoring mobility that was previously thought never to be possible. I could never get in to something like that. I'm probably not a candidate and even if I was I'd never come up with the money. Even with my shitty little insurance plan, something like that is definitely not covered.

One time, after falling asleep while watching Fullmetal Alchemist, I had a dream that they finally invented something where I could wrap wires around my legs and plug the wires into my brain. And I kind of think something similar to that HAS been invented. For rich people.

I fell when I was cleaning yesterday, right down on my knees and now my knees are swollen so I can plan to be sitting around at home until the swelling goes down. I fell because my balance is shit, I guess. I haven't fallen (except that time I fell out of bed but that was in my sleep so that doesn't count) in quite a while. Seriously. It's something I'm always afraid will happen but usually doesn't. And I'm still not sure exactly how I fell. It's like when you trip on the stairs or something - you don't know anything is amiss until you're already mid-fall.

It's kind of gloomy outside today. I really feel like I needed to spend today getting things done, although I guess that's just in my head, because what the hell do I need to "get done?" The house is clean - I did that yesterday and have the bruises to show for it. Things in the other house need to get done, yeah, but there are contractors working on that. It doesn't have anything to do with me or what I do. It's kind of like every semester I didn't go to school I felt like I had school work I "should have" been doing, even though I clearly didn't, how could I?

I think I'm going to watch the last two episodes of "Life on Mars," which I've kind of been saving for a good time to watch them both together. And try to relax and chill out. Or something.


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Lara I.

October 2012

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