Lara I. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
exhilaration) wrote2008-12-19 01:34 am
exhilaration) wrote2008-12-19 01:34 am
Entry tags:
Some Semblance Of...
This is my "good things only" contribution for today. Love that painting and love that artist.
I've been using my unexpected free time to get my house as organized as possible so moving can be done with relative ease. I've pretty much conquered the laundry and the sea of clothes in the bedroom. I've put the clothes in the fridges, like I originally intended when I moved in, and it's pretty nice. To bad I never actually got off my ass and did that in the time I've been living here.
Soo.... Erica's stuff is all over the blue and yellow room. Erica's pretty much MIA. I know she was in Virginia right around Thanksgiving, and I know she's not back around here. That's about all I know. So... what do I do with her stuff? I am intensely uncomfortable messing with anything that isn't mine, but eventually, I'm going to have to at least pack it all up in boxes and put it up in the attic, I guess. I mean, when I do move, I can't leave her stuff here and I don't want to take it with me, either.
B came to work yesterday morning totally trashed - not just hungover, either, he was clearly messed up on pills. I don't know how often he does shit like that when I'm not around to see it, but that was pretty much the first time in a very long time I've seen him like that. He never talks about drugs around me. Most people don't. It bothers me and people understand that. So I guess when I get a glimpse of what people do when they don't try to hide it, it really startles me.
Like, I want to assign a reason to that kind of thing. Why would you get that messed up when you know you have to work the next morning? Why would you need to get that messed up in the first place? I guess in my head, the obvious question is, what happened that would make you want to do that?
But the answer always seems to be nothing. Nothing, I was just bored. Nothing, it was just something to do. Nothing, I just wanted to.
He ended up leaving and another bartender came in to take over for him.
On one hand, me and B are back on good terms. We spend a lot of time together. We hook up. It's great. Stress-free. We're just having a good time. We like each other, and we're having fun. Really, that's ideal. Who in their right mind would want anything different?
But I can't help but kind of fixate on things I know about him and Jory. Cause he told me all kinds of stuff about her, since she was his girlfriend and I was his friend... like the reason they broke up. To hear her tell it, I think it would be that the distance wasn't working out, that she wanted to have fun up at college, etc. And that makes perfect sense. They didn't get in a fight, they don't hate each other, in fact, they still feel pretty much the same about each other. He did spend Thanksgiving at her house.
But to hear him tell it... I mean, this is an old conversation, one we had several months ago, but I keep going back to it... he says pretty much that she's too good for him. He "knows" she can find someone better and do something better... he didn't want her coming back here after she graduated and picking up right where she left of when she left, just because he's here. He kind of thought he was holding her back. Wasn't good enough for her, I guess. I don't know.
But suddenly, remembering that conversation, has made me feel kinda like, wait, what? So she's too good for you, but I'm okay? What does that say about me?
What does that say about me?
And all the stuff B has said to me, all the things that have made me feel really good - B has said very nice things to me, and I've believed every one of them. Ever since he brought up the fact that I keep talking about how I don't even like guys and that kind of makes him feel like I'm just in this cause I'm bored, or something (which is definitely not true) I've tried to be a little more open with the things I say, but it's kind of hard for me. I'm not sure why. Maybe saying nice things is like re-affirming to myself just how great I think he is, and I'm still not comfortable with that. Maybe I see saying nice stuff as being to "girly" or being to "intense" and that goes against my declaration that this is "just for fun" (and I put that in quotes because I think it's pretty clear that we're past that by now).
I dunno. I seem to have no problem just blurting out whatever pops in to my head, nice or not, but sincere compliments don't come so easily. Gee, don't I feel like a piece of shit?
B tells me I'm gorgeous. Usually I just roll my eyes. I don't really know how to respond to that - I know what I look like, after all. I look in the mirror all the time. I know I have a pretty face - I hear that often enough. I have a hard time believing anyone would think my body is attractive. Especially a guy. I don't know, in my head, I guess, all guys are just stereotypes. A woman can find all kinds of things attractive - she can see sexuality and sensuality in any number of things, every woman is different. In my head I guess I just assume that men all like the same things - blonde girls with big breasts and long legs who look like supermodels and are scantily clad. I like how I look but I know I don't look like that.
As much as I say it's stupid to compliment someone on their looks - we don't choose what we look like, anyway, do we? - I never didn't believe him. If he wants to tell me I'm gorgeous, fine, then, I believe that's what he thinks. Jory, though, she has an amazing body. She's very voluptuous. And she's not disabled. So... she's too good for him, but I'm not. Huh. See?
He says other nice things to me too, besides that he thinks I'm pretty. He thinks I'm fun, and he thinks I give myself too much shit. Once he said to me "I don't know why you keep saying that about yourself because it isn't true, not that i've ever seen." I think I was saying that I'm really immature and irresponsible. And he was really insistent about it, too, and... that made me feel really good. Even him saying he wanted me to be his date to his friend's wedding because he wanted me to have a good time - that made me feel good too.
But now I think of everything in the context of, ok, all these things he likes about me are true about Jory, too, only more so. He likes that I'm smart. She's smarter. He likes that I'm fun. She's funner, because she could surf with him, skateboard with him, play street hockey and football and go hiking and so on. But she, for some reason, was too good for him. And I'm not.
And I try not to think like that. But I do it anyway. He's settling, or something, for what's "good enough."
But we do have a good time. Making coffee in my kitchen before work - that's nice. Falling asleep watching Babylon 5 - that's nice. Driving around blasting Aqua - at my request - is fun, and so is driving around blasting old school Wu-Tang - his request. We went out to dinner a few days ago at this little Italian restaurant in Wildwood - that was really nice. That was kind of like a date, a real date, not just hanging out, and we had a very good time. When it was warm, earlier in the week, we went out on the beach and laid around staring at the stars - that was nice, and then after that we went back to my house and messed around. That was really nice.
So I don't know what my problem is. I don't think I'm a very jealous person, and yet it seems like I'm jealous of the girl he broke up with. That makes a whole lot of sense, doesn't it?
EDIT Ok fine, so that picture is no longer there... read about and view JMW Turner's work here and tell me how strangely compelling his work is...
I've been using my unexpected free time to get my house as organized as possible so moving can be done with relative ease. I've pretty much conquered the laundry and the sea of clothes in the bedroom. I've put the clothes in the fridges, like I originally intended when I moved in, and it's pretty nice. To bad I never actually got off my ass and did that in the time I've been living here.
Soo.... Erica's stuff is all over the blue and yellow room. Erica's pretty much MIA. I know she was in Virginia right around Thanksgiving, and I know she's not back around here. That's about all I know. So... what do I do with her stuff? I am intensely uncomfortable messing with anything that isn't mine, but eventually, I'm going to have to at least pack it all up in boxes and put it up in the attic, I guess. I mean, when I do move, I can't leave her stuff here and I don't want to take it with me, either.
B came to work yesterday morning totally trashed - not just hungover, either, he was clearly messed up on pills. I don't know how often he does shit like that when I'm not around to see it, but that was pretty much the first time in a very long time I've seen him like that. He never talks about drugs around me. Most people don't. It bothers me and people understand that. So I guess when I get a glimpse of what people do when they don't try to hide it, it really startles me.
Like, I want to assign a reason to that kind of thing. Why would you get that messed up when you know you have to work the next morning? Why would you need to get that messed up in the first place? I guess in my head, the obvious question is, what happened that would make you want to do that?
But the answer always seems to be nothing. Nothing, I was just bored. Nothing, it was just something to do. Nothing, I just wanted to.
He ended up leaving and another bartender came in to take over for him.
On one hand, me and B are back on good terms. We spend a lot of time together. We hook up. It's great. Stress-free. We're just having a good time. We like each other, and we're having fun. Really, that's ideal. Who in their right mind would want anything different?
But I can't help but kind of fixate on things I know about him and Jory. Cause he told me all kinds of stuff about her, since she was his girlfriend and I was his friend... like the reason they broke up. To hear her tell it, I think it would be that the distance wasn't working out, that she wanted to have fun up at college, etc. And that makes perfect sense. They didn't get in a fight, they don't hate each other, in fact, they still feel pretty much the same about each other. He did spend Thanksgiving at her house.
But to hear him tell it... I mean, this is an old conversation, one we had several months ago, but I keep going back to it... he says pretty much that she's too good for him. He "knows" she can find someone better and do something better... he didn't want her coming back here after she graduated and picking up right where she left of when she left, just because he's here. He kind of thought he was holding her back. Wasn't good enough for her, I guess. I don't know.
But suddenly, remembering that conversation, has made me feel kinda like, wait, what? So she's too good for you, but I'm okay? What does that say about me?
What does that say about me?
And all the stuff B has said to me, all the things that have made me feel really good - B has said very nice things to me, and I've believed every one of them. Ever since he brought up the fact that I keep talking about how I don't even like guys and that kind of makes him feel like I'm just in this cause I'm bored, or something (which is definitely not true) I've tried to be a little more open with the things I say, but it's kind of hard for me. I'm not sure why. Maybe saying nice things is like re-affirming to myself just how great I think he is, and I'm still not comfortable with that. Maybe I see saying nice stuff as being to "girly" or being to "intense" and that goes against my declaration that this is "just for fun" (and I put that in quotes because I think it's pretty clear that we're past that by now).
I dunno. I seem to have no problem just blurting out whatever pops in to my head, nice or not, but sincere compliments don't come so easily. Gee, don't I feel like a piece of shit?
B tells me I'm gorgeous. Usually I just roll my eyes. I don't really know how to respond to that - I know what I look like, after all. I look in the mirror all the time. I know I have a pretty face - I hear that often enough. I have a hard time believing anyone would think my body is attractive. Especially a guy. I don't know, in my head, I guess, all guys are just stereotypes. A woman can find all kinds of things attractive - she can see sexuality and sensuality in any number of things, every woman is different. In my head I guess I just assume that men all like the same things - blonde girls with big breasts and long legs who look like supermodels and are scantily clad. I like how I look but I know I don't look like that.
As much as I say it's stupid to compliment someone on their looks - we don't choose what we look like, anyway, do we? - I never didn't believe him. If he wants to tell me I'm gorgeous, fine, then, I believe that's what he thinks. Jory, though, she has an amazing body. She's very voluptuous. And she's not disabled. So... she's too good for him, but I'm not. Huh. See?
He says other nice things to me too, besides that he thinks I'm pretty. He thinks I'm fun, and he thinks I give myself too much shit. Once he said to me "I don't know why you keep saying that about yourself because it isn't true, not that i've ever seen." I think I was saying that I'm really immature and irresponsible. And he was really insistent about it, too, and... that made me feel really good. Even him saying he wanted me to be his date to his friend's wedding because he wanted me to have a good time - that made me feel good too.
But now I think of everything in the context of, ok, all these things he likes about me are true about Jory, too, only more so. He likes that I'm smart. She's smarter. He likes that I'm fun. She's funner, because she could surf with him, skateboard with him, play street hockey and football and go hiking and so on. But she, for some reason, was too good for him. And I'm not.
And I try not to think like that. But I do it anyway. He's settling, or something, for what's "good enough."
But we do have a good time. Making coffee in my kitchen before work - that's nice. Falling asleep watching Babylon 5 - that's nice. Driving around blasting Aqua - at my request - is fun, and so is driving around blasting old school Wu-Tang - his request. We went out to dinner a few days ago at this little Italian restaurant in Wildwood - that was really nice. That was kind of like a date, a real date, not just hanging out, and we had a very good time. When it was warm, earlier in the week, we went out on the beach and laid around staring at the stars - that was nice, and then after that we went back to my house and messed around. That was really nice.
So I don't know what my problem is. I don't think I'm a very jealous person, and yet it seems like I'm jealous of the girl he broke up with. That makes a whole lot of sense, doesn't it?
EDIT Ok fine, so that picture is no longer there... read about and view JMW Turner's work here and tell me how strangely compelling his work is...