Lara I.

I am miserable. As in, mis-er-a-ble. Completely. I've had a fuck of a day. And I hurt. I mentioned I burned myself cooking? It hurts. It really hurts. It swelled up and blistered and now everything that brushes up against it hurts and it hurts even when nothing touches it and IT HURTS. Wah.

And MY SHOULDER HURTS. Again with the shoulder pain. Tonight it's my left shoulder. Actually, it's been my left shoulder for the past few days. In increasing amounts. At first it was just, meh, my shoulder hurts. Now I'm practically in tears. It's to the point where all across my back and all down my left arm feel weird and icy cold from the pain in my shoulder. I don't know what to do. I've already taken as many pain pills as I can - if I take more, I'll just get sick. They worked for, oh, two hours or so, but they've worn off now and I can't take anymore for another four and I am fucking MIS-ER-A-BLE. I don't know how I'm going to get to sleep tonight. I can hardly just sit still and type.

Work this morning (coffee shop) was not too bad, but work tonight (restaurant) was pretty god-awful. When I got there I was like, listen, I am not feeling well at all, is it absolutely necessary that I stay until close? And of course my manager was like, yes. Even though I'm not convinced it really was. I really, really try not to ask to go home, or call in sick or anything, because I don't want them to think I'm unreliable or anything, even if it's for health reasons. But I really, really should not have been at work tonight. Of course the other host let me just stand at the podium and take names, which was pretty pointless because the place just wasn't busy enough to need to take names in the first place - it sucked.

And I really don't know what to do about my shoulder hurting. It's hurt off and on like this for about a year now. It just started all of a sudden. Sometimes it stops, sometimes the other shoulder hurts instead (but never both) and I have all kinds of theories as to why this is happening and really, I guess I need to go to the doctor. But I'm kind of afraid the doctor will be like, well, your shoulder hurts because you put too much stress on it. You need to let it rest and give it a chance to heal. That, of course, is not what I want to hear, because "resting my shoulder" would pretty much amount to CRAWLING INTO A HOLE AND DIEING. Then again, the doctor could say nothing is wrong and it's all in my head. Cause if sometimes it doesn't hurt, and sometimes the OTHER SHOULDER hurts, well, that sounds like nothing is physically wrong, right? Or the doctor could say, this is all an effect from your last surgery, your nerves and muscles are confused, your brain is used to feeling pain so it's imagining your shoulder hurts because it can't register pain where it's used to feeling it - oh my imagination is just running wild with this.

I don't care about anything else right now. I don't care about meeting a pretty girl and telling her a story about a wide-mouthed frog. I don't care about Bevan not remembering having sex with me. I don't care about picking out furniture for my house. I just want to not be in pain - is that too much to ask? I understand that my body is never going to be normal again - I get that. But can I at least be assured that it's not getting worse? Cause it feels like it is. I feel like I'm falling the fuck apart. Like little by little every part of me is crumbling to pieces. When I said "I can do this," this is not what I had in mind.

And so. This has been a very eventful summer. And I say that with the utmost seriousness.

Some things have happened.

I own two houses. I inherited them from my grandparents. I had no idea this was going to happen. I don't know if all the grandchildren inherited hugely valuable things, or if it was only me because I'm the one who was there for them these past few years, but my family is so screwed up and uncommunicative that it is unlikely I will ever find out.

I did not go to the funeral, by the way. I assumed that my parents would be there and I did not want to see them.

So, these two houses: it would have been worth my while to just sell the properties and take the money. But I'm really, really bad with holding on to money, and I'm really, really good at racking up debt. In fact, I just racked up some debt just now: I took out a loan, a big one. A really huge one: I have more money now than I ever have in my entire life. But see, I own two properties. So the bank was basically like, sure, we'll give you whatever you want!

The bigger house, the most disasterous one, is going to be gutted and totally re-done, competely. The other one, well, I have been/am in the process of using the money I have to slowly turn it into a real house as opposed to like a disaster of a falling down building. Actually, two houses. I'm just working on the first floor for now. And yes, I am still here in New Jersey, and yes, I have been sort of living in the one house.

I've also been sort of living with Krissy. I don't actually see her much because she is doing her ER rotation this summer, or whatever. But she gave me a key to her place, so I have been putting it to good use, even if it just means her coming home to find me already passed the fuck out in her bed.

Like I said, it's been fun. Sigh. I'm getting old. I really am. I was inspecting my face for wrinkles the other day. I didn't find any; just the regular old dark circles under my eyes and they've been there for a while. Every so often I look at myself and think, well, I guess I'm fairly attractive, if nothing else, but really, there's got to be more to it than that. There's lots of attractive girls out there, more attractive than me, and they're like, healthy and normal and stuff and don't whine and moan all the time and fuck their lives up at every turn. So I'd better keep that 1000 watt charm beaming brightly, or she's gonna get real sick of me real fast.

And sick, did I mention sick? I've been sick this summer. Legitimately sick, and too stupid to know it. I guess I've spent so much time just trying to ignore pain that I've lost the common sense to think, hey, if I hurt, something must be wrong.

I have a job; I am a hostess at a restaurant on the other side of the bay. Was a good move, getting a job there, cause there are lots of nice servers looking for extra money who can do things like fix up a house. They're worked as contractors before, and stuff, and everyone always needs a little extra money here and there. Conveniently, I even have the funds to pay them. And I help where I can - I painted the porch railing, lol. It's been hot and I've been sick and I have money and the money is specifically for fixing up the houses so... still I feel like a huge bum and a huge diva for just sitting around directing people on how I want things done.

And... I made a couple friends, or friendly aquaintences, anyway, at the restaurant, just a couple girls who like to invite me out for drinks every so often. I know, I know, I said I was done with having friends, but I said I was done with having girlfriends too and it seems I kinda sorta maybe somewhat have one, sort of. Anyway, we're not close or anything and maybe it'll be different, maybe I'm not so toxic of a friend when I have my own couch to sleep on.

Who knows?