Lara I.

Well, first and foremost, my taxes - I have to fill out some forms and provide some information and get some things notarized (wtf do I find a notary? Anyone?) but one of my main concerns has been pretty much alleviated - I am not in a great big pile of scary and intimidating horse shit with the IRS. Although... as of right now, since nothing is resolved, or course, I still owe them money, technically - which freaks me the hell out. Which is why I was initially inclined to just re-do my taxes and pay the penalty and the interest. But I have this feeling that if I do that, I'll never get that money back, ever, and, as several people pointed out, the same thing will very likely happen to me next year.

...I'm pretty sure that this while production will land my parents in that very same horse shit pile, though. But... that's their fault, right? I mean, they have to know they were being fraudulent. So they should know that there are consequences for that kind of stuff. Right?

Oh, so many exciting things going on in my life, what to write about today? Hmmm, well, there's, I hate my job. Then there's a bit of I hate my job, too. And you know what? I hate my job, too. It's fucking boring and I can't stand it. Which job? Doesn't matter. They're both boring. Even the coffee shop. I used to think it wasn't so bad there but all my coworkers are in high school and all the tourists are idiotic and I've pretty much had it up to here with doing the EXACT. SAME. THING. Every day, day after day after day.

Yeah. I know. That's part of having a job and I should just suck it up and deal.

Except, for, you know, I've had so many jobs, and they haven't all been like this. I don't know if it's that I'm older now, and my older and more mature (lol) brain is getting frustrated working a "kid job" or that all this has been brewing for longer than I thought it has, or if these are simply the worst and least stimulating jobs I've ever had. It's probably the last thing I mentioned, though. Yeah, it's definitely that. These are just the worst jobs I've ever had.

So... moving on. Ah, I know, I went to the supermarket.

( I feel like such a lazy-ass getting groceries delivered. I made this deal with myself about it, see... )

Tell you what, I am not cut out for the life of a soap opera star, that's for damn sure.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Told ya my life was exciting: parents who lie cheat and steal with no remorse, scared of the supermarket, frustrated with my shoulder, and intimidated by a situation I created with my own friends. GO ME.

So yesterday morning I woke up with my right shoulder hurting. That's right, my right shoulder. Not my left shoulder.

WTF???

But, I took my muscle relaxer, and eventually it felt tolerable.

BUT FIRST. Ok see here is how my day went yesterday. I had to be at work at 5am. Ok, so, I left the house in plenty of time to get to work on time. I was not late. I am very rarely ever late. My boss, Renee, is late at least once a week. I think I've bitched about that before. So let me just say one more time that I was not late. In fact, I was probably a few minutes early. And the doors are unlocked and the lights are on, so I figure Renee is there already. Which is rare - usually she and I arrive at the same time, or I get there first. I go inside - it's Renee and Other Girl opening up. And I'm like... hi? And she's like oh, Lara, what are you doing here? We don't need you today, I have Other Girl coming in for you all week. And I was like, well, we spoke on the phone, remember, and I told you I was coming back today, here is all my documentation, doctor's note, etc.

And she just looked at me, didn't take the papers from me, and was like, "I said I didn't need you today."

And I was like, ok, well, when we spoke on the phone, you didn't say anything about me not coming in today.

And she was like, well, you said you couldn't work, so I had to get your shifts covered.

And I was like, yes, but I still don't see what that has to do with today.

So, screw you, Renee, this will now be a whole week of not working, and so this will be a skipped paycheck. Not a small paycheck, a skipped paycheck. No money.

So I stopped in the back to look at next week's schedule, just to make sure. Usually I work Monday-Friday at 5am, but my shift ends at a different time every day, totally randomly. Well next week she has me working 5-7. Yep, that's five am to seven am. Two hours every day. That's eight hours for the week. Usually I work about fifteen or twenty. EIGHT.

Like I said, though, my shoulder was really hurting and so I just left rather than say anything else to her, and went back home. Of course I couldn't sleep or anything, so I just screwed around all morning and got more and more pissy as the day went on.

( Click to continue reading this long ass-entry. LOL I love doing that, sticking the hyphen in the wrong space! )

Anyway. Doctor Who hopefully tonight, definitely by tomorrow.

I am miserable. As in, mis-er-a-ble. Completely. I've had a fuck of a day. And I hurt. I mentioned I burned myself cooking? It hurts. It really hurts. It swelled up and blistered and now everything that brushes up against it hurts and it hurts even when nothing touches it and IT HURTS. Wah.

And MY SHOULDER HURTS. Again with the shoulder pain. Tonight it's my left shoulder. Actually, it's been my left shoulder for the past few days. In increasing amounts. At first it was just, meh, my shoulder hurts. Now I'm practically in tears. It's to the point where all across my back and all down my left arm feel weird and icy cold from the pain in my shoulder. I don't know what to do. I've already taken as many pain pills as I can - if I take more, I'll just get sick. They worked for, oh, two hours or so, but they've worn off now and I can't take anymore for another four and I am fucking MIS-ER-A-BLE. I don't know how I'm going to get to sleep tonight. I can hardly just sit still and type.

Work this morning (coffee shop) was not too bad, but work tonight (restaurant) was pretty god-awful. When I got there I was like, listen, I am not feeling well at all, is it absolutely necessary that I stay until close? And of course my manager was like, yes. Even though I'm not convinced it really was. I really, really try not to ask to go home, or call in sick or anything, because I don't want them to think I'm unreliable or anything, even if it's for health reasons. But I really, really should not have been at work tonight. Of course the other host let me just stand at the podium and take names, which was pretty pointless because the place just wasn't busy enough to need to take names in the first place - it sucked.

And I really don't know what to do about my shoulder hurting. It's hurt off and on like this for about a year now. It just started all of a sudden. Sometimes it stops, sometimes the other shoulder hurts instead (but never both) and I have all kinds of theories as to why this is happening and really, I guess I need to go to the doctor. But I'm kind of afraid the doctor will be like, well, your shoulder hurts because you put too much stress on it. You need to let it rest and give it a chance to heal. That, of course, is not what I want to hear, because "resting my shoulder" would pretty much amount to CRAWLING INTO A HOLE AND DIEING. Then again, the doctor could say nothing is wrong and it's all in my head. Cause if sometimes it doesn't hurt, and sometimes the OTHER SHOULDER hurts, well, that sounds like nothing is physically wrong, right? Or the doctor could say, this is all an effect from your last surgery, your nerves and muscles are confused, your brain is used to feeling pain so it's imagining your shoulder hurts because it can't register pain where it's used to feeling it - oh my imagination is just running wild with this.

I don't care about anything else right now. I don't care about meeting a pretty girl and telling her a story about a wide-mouthed frog. I don't care about Bevan not remembering having sex with me. I don't care about picking out furniture for my house. I just want to not be in pain - is that too much to ask? I understand that my body is never going to be normal again - I get that. But can I at least be assured that it's not getting worse? Cause it feels like it is. I feel like I'm falling the fuck apart. Like little by little every part of me is crumbling to pieces. When I said "I can do this," this is not what I had in mind.

No luck in the second-job search. I know it can take some time to find a job, any kind of job, even a minimum wage job, but I need money NOW.
No emergency room last night. No, no, none of that. No time for that shit. I could feel it coming, the answer to "my shoulder hurts": oh, does it?
I dunno what's going on with my shoulder, but I figure, it has to be in my head. Something's very wrong with me, and I am certain its not something that can be fixed by the ER.
How can pain like that fucking switch sides?
I was busy all day at work framing shit. No pain.
I come home, settle down, chill out? Pain.
It's gotta be in my head.