Lara I. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
exhilaration) wrote2009-04-02 10:45 pm
exhilaration) wrote2009-04-02 10:45 pm
I Didn't Want To Grow Up Anyway
Ok so my boyfriend's birthday is in June and I was talking about the possibility of having a party here at my house before I started renting it for the summer but after it's all fixed up and functional. I don't think this is actually going to happen, for various reasons, but we talked about it a little.
Um. I really seriously thought he was turning 24. I'm 25, he's turning 24 - that's reasonable, right? He's not turning 24, he's turning 23. 23. That means he's 22 now, and I'm old.
I'm not sure how I managed to mistake his age. He knows how old I am. I know when his birthday is, I just somehow... thought he was a year older than he actually is. Oops.
He's kind of excited to start school in the fall. I'm excited for him, of course, but I'm also mad jealous. I would like to finish school. I really, really would. I feel like I've spent all this time being... stagnant, maybe, and kind of hiding. I keep getting older, but I'm not getting any further in life. I remember turning twenty one and thinking, eh, I can drink now, whatever. It wasn't a big deal to me, but I clearly remember how full my life was then and how I had my plan and was sticking to it. Now? Now, well, I'm not doing anything.
I make my playlists and read my fanfic. I drink beer at bars. And that's really... about it. And I'm bored and I'm frustrated. And yet... finishing school doesn't really seem like an option for me. I'm a few credits away from a BS in education, but even if I had that degree I'd never be able to use it, because I wouldn't pass a background check. So, my other choices are... not degrees that point you towards a job, anyway. So, maybe I'd like being in school again, but then I'd graduate, and be right back where I am now - bored and frustrated.
I don't feel my age at all. I could easily still be twenty one. I feel like I wasted all the time in between then and now just being... messed up, I guess, and I haven't actually done any growing up.
Well, maybe I've just somehow caught my boyfriend's funk of dissatisfaction, and I really should start planning a trip to China.
Oh who am I kidding? I'm not going to China. There's no way I can summon all that poise and confidence and stubbornness and drive - I had all that stuff, I really did, but I used it up, and you know what else? It got me nowhere.
Yeah. I guess I really am in a mood tonight, aren't I?
Um. I really seriously thought he was turning 24. I'm 25, he's turning 24 - that's reasonable, right? He's not turning 24, he's turning 23. 23. That means he's 22 now, and I'm old.
I'm not sure how I managed to mistake his age. He knows how old I am. I know when his birthday is, I just somehow... thought he was a year older than he actually is. Oops.
He's kind of excited to start school in the fall. I'm excited for him, of course, but I'm also mad jealous. I would like to finish school. I really, really would. I feel like I've spent all this time being... stagnant, maybe, and kind of hiding. I keep getting older, but I'm not getting any further in life. I remember turning twenty one and thinking, eh, I can drink now, whatever. It wasn't a big deal to me, but I clearly remember how full my life was then and how I had my plan and was sticking to it. Now? Now, well, I'm not doing anything.
I make my playlists and read my fanfic. I drink beer at bars. And that's really... about it. And I'm bored and I'm frustrated. And yet... finishing school doesn't really seem like an option for me. I'm a few credits away from a BS in education, but even if I had that degree I'd never be able to use it, because I wouldn't pass a background check. So, my other choices are... not degrees that point you towards a job, anyway. So, maybe I'd like being in school again, but then I'd graduate, and be right back where I am now - bored and frustrated.
I don't feel my age at all. I could easily still be twenty one. I feel like I wasted all the time in between then and now just being... messed up, I guess, and I haven't actually done any growing up.
Well, maybe I've just somehow caught my boyfriend's funk of dissatisfaction, and I really should start planning a trip to China.
Oh who am I kidding? I'm not going to China. There's no way I can summon all that poise and confidence and stubbornness and drive - I had all that stuff, I really did, but I used it up, and you know what else? It got me nowhere.
Yeah. I guess I really am in a mood tonight, aren't I?
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But anyway, I'm in a mood too. Arguing with hubby.
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Completely unrelated, I thought of you because the MP3s of my Nirvana songs are messed up. I'm going to check the cd and see if that's the problem.
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