I Cannot Describe How Tired I Am
Dec. 17th, 2009 01:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationI am. I am very, very tired.
You have no idea.
And it's not that I can't sleep - if I lie down, I'll fall asleep right away. It's just that I don't feel like sleeping right now...
Ok so, why B moving to Philadelphia with me isn't a good idea... before we were supposed to go to China in September, I kind of thought I wanted to ask him to come with me. Because I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want us to take this trip together and then, well, say goodbye to each other and I'd move back to Philly and start school again and resume my old life (which is faulty reasoning right there, cause that's not even possible - it's the Atlantic City Expressway, not a time machine!) and he'd stay right here doing what he's always done, working all the time and going surfing and whatever else strikes his fancy for the moment.
On my end... I don't want us to move in together. I'm just... not comfortable with that. How many relationships last longer than they should because the couple live together, because their lives become so intwined that it's easier just to stay together than go through the hassle of breaking up? I lived with Krissy - I think that was one of the worst relationship decisions I've ever made.
And there's an if here, too - IF we're really in love, shouldn't it be simple? IF we're really in love, then of course we should make it possible to stay together. Yeah, IF. The fact that the word IF is even in that sentence speaks for itself. How the fuck do I know the difference between love and in love? Of course I love him. I love a lot of people. What the fuck does "in love" mean? And last I checked, even "in love" didn't mean "infallible." I just don't want to end up in a situation I can't get out of - I don't want to feel stuck. I don't want to force things into something they're not - we're two people who have never, in all the time we've been together, be it a year, year and a half, however you want to count it - neither of us has ever been able to offer the other any type of commitment whatsoever. He hooked up with someone else. I hooked up with someone else. There's no type of promise between us that this won't happen again. Which is fine - there doesn't have to be, does there? I mean, it's not like this is a serious relationship, right? Well, except for it kind of is. But kind of not.
On his end... he's not a big planner, like I am. I have... like, the next three years of my life mapped out pretty clearly, with re-routings also mapped out for just about every "what if" I can come up with. Yes really. Step one is successfully take this class. Step two is leave New Jersey. There are like six possible step threes and each one is clearly followed by ten more steps... and each step four has three possible outcomes... and so on. I wouldn't be doing this any other way. I'm already scared shitless as it is.
He just has these... ideas. Of things he'd like to do in his lifetime, of things he might like to do soon, of things he might like to do someday. Someday he wants to visit his brother in China - for as long as Jason's been in China, the invitation to visit for as long as he wants has been standing. Who actually bought those plane tickets, booked the hotel rooms, etc? Yes, hello, Lara here, world traveller extraordinaire. Someday he wants to do like Ryan does and travel from one ski resort to another, working and snowboarding all winter long. New England, Colorado, whatever, it's just an idea... someday he wants to finish his associate's degree - really, someday he wants his bachelor's degree too. Philadelphia with Lara so she can go to school is kind of the opposite of snowboarding, obviously, but it's also pretty much the opposite of school for him. I count as a Pennsylvania resident. He does not. If he wants to finish his associates, he can either finish it at Atlantic Cape, or pay exorbitant out-of-county tuition somewhere else. If he wants his bachelor's, he can get it from a state school in New Jersey, or pay out of state tuition somewhere else, like, say, Pennsylvania, with me.
Bevan is only twenty-three. Not until next January, as in, January 2011, can he actually file for federal loans/grants/whatever to pay for school. So until fall 2011 he just has to pay for all of it himself. That's right - he can't even take out school loans. What the fuck? Yes, my thoughts exactly. What exactly went wrong in Camden? Why exactly did he not succeed the first time he tried college? A lot of reasons, but - one of them was money. Specifically, having no money. Because his dad would not SIGN the federal aid papers. And he still will not sign them.
Something is severely, severely wrong with that family - I didn't realize this was the issue with school all along - I stupidly brought this up in random conversation one day when I was over there, talking to him and his dad, and his dad told me flat out that he wouldn't sign the papers, because, and I quote, no one helped him, no one gave him any handouts, he had to do it all himself, and that's the way it should be - I was like, um, what? I could have argued that - I could have said, you piece of shit, it's not a handout, you don't have to give him anything, you just have to sign the damn form so he can apply for federal aid just like every other college student in America - but what can I really, actually say, to someone else's parent?
My parents weren't perfect, but holy shit. At least they signed the FAFSA forms. It's not like he was holding it over his head, either, like, do what I say or I won't sign the forms. It was just flat out, I'm never signing them, you're completely screwed and I don't care. I guess it's just a bunch of big ifs... if I go to school, if he goes to school, if we move in together, if we're really in love, if this was meant to be or if this is going to end up one big disaster, if this is worth rearranging any of either of our plans - if we can take a break, if we can spend time apart and then actually come back to each other... that kind of scares me right there. If I leave and he stays here... who's here but, what's her name... Courtney... the girl he may or may not have hooked up with (actually, according to her, nothing happened. But it's the principle of it - he went out without me and went home with her) and if not her, someone else, I mean... I never thought this would be such an issue, but it's like... I don't want him to tell me he won't do something like that again, because then I feel like I'm setting myself up to be lied to, because he lied to Jory about me... and then it's like, I'd have to promise the same thing and to be honest... I don't know that I could keep a promise like that either.
I was about to go off on the whole "well he's a guy" thing, but... maybe that has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's just that... I know how to be friends with someone. I know how to have sex with someone (obviously). So, I have a great friend, and we have great sex and is that really the same thing as being in love?
And you know what else? Where do I get off deciding what's best for someone else, anyway? Part of me doesn't want to ask him to come with me because I think he will say yes - he'll say yes right away. He's been kind of... clingy with me, I guess? Not really in a bad way, but, that's kind of what it is. If I asked him now... he'd probably say yes. And all I can see him doing in Philly is exactly what he's doing here - it'd be more of the same somewhere else. No new opportunities there for him. And no ocean, either. And then he would leave me.
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
Just that nothing is simple, I guess.
You have no idea.
And it's not that I can't sleep - if I lie down, I'll fall asleep right away. It's just that I don't feel like sleeping right now...
Ok so, why B moving to Philadelphia with me isn't a good idea... before we were supposed to go to China in September, I kind of thought I wanted to ask him to come with me. Because I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want us to take this trip together and then, well, say goodbye to each other and I'd move back to Philly and start school again and resume my old life (which is faulty reasoning right there, cause that's not even possible - it's the Atlantic City Expressway, not a time machine!) and he'd stay right here doing what he's always done, working all the time and going surfing and whatever else strikes his fancy for the moment.
On my end... I don't want us to move in together. I'm just... not comfortable with that. How many relationships last longer than they should because the couple live together, because their lives become so intwined that it's easier just to stay together than go through the hassle of breaking up? I lived with Krissy - I think that was one of the worst relationship decisions I've ever made.
And there's an if here, too - IF we're really in love, shouldn't it be simple? IF we're really in love, then of course we should make it possible to stay together. Yeah, IF. The fact that the word IF is even in that sentence speaks for itself. How the fuck do I know the difference between love and in love? Of course I love him. I love a lot of people. What the fuck does "in love" mean? And last I checked, even "in love" didn't mean "infallible." I just don't want to end up in a situation I can't get out of - I don't want to feel stuck. I don't want to force things into something they're not - we're two people who have never, in all the time we've been together, be it a year, year and a half, however you want to count it - neither of us has ever been able to offer the other any type of commitment whatsoever. He hooked up with someone else. I hooked up with someone else. There's no type of promise between us that this won't happen again. Which is fine - there doesn't have to be, does there? I mean, it's not like this is a serious relationship, right? Well, except for it kind of is. But kind of not.
On his end... he's not a big planner, like I am. I have... like, the next three years of my life mapped out pretty clearly, with re-routings also mapped out for just about every "what if" I can come up with. Yes really. Step one is successfully take this class. Step two is leave New Jersey. There are like six possible step threes and each one is clearly followed by ten more steps... and each step four has three possible outcomes... and so on. I wouldn't be doing this any other way. I'm already scared shitless as it is.
He just has these... ideas. Of things he'd like to do in his lifetime, of things he might like to do soon, of things he might like to do someday. Someday he wants to visit his brother in China - for as long as Jason's been in China, the invitation to visit for as long as he wants has been standing. Who actually bought those plane tickets, booked the hotel rooms, etc? Yes, hello, Lara here, world traveller extraordinaire. Someday he wants to do like Ryan does and travel from one ski resort to another, working and snowboarding all winter long. New England, Colorado, whatever, it's just an idea... someday he wants to finish his associate's degree - really, someday he wants his bachelor's degree too. Philadelphia with Lara so she can go to school is kind of the opposite of snowboarding, obviously, but it's also pretty much the opposite of school for him. I count as a Pennsylvania resident. He does not. If he wants to finish his associates, he can either finish it at Atlantic Cape, or pay exorbitant out-of-county tuition somewhere else. If he wants his bachelor's, he can get it from a state school in New Jersey, or pay out of state tuition somewhere else, like, say, Pennsylvania, with me.
Bevan is only twenty-three. Not until next January, as in, January 2011, can he actually file for federal loans/grants/whatever to pay for school. So until fall 2011 he just has to pay for all of it himself. That's right - he can't even take out school loans. What the fuck? Yes, my thoughts exactly. What exactly went wrong in Camden? Why exactly did he not succeed the first time he tried college? A lot of reasons, but - one of them was money. Specifically, having no money. Because his dad would not SIGN the federal aid papers. And he still will not sign them.
Something is severely, severely wrong with that family - I didn't realize this was the issue with school all along - I stupidly brought this up in random conversation one day when I was over there, talking to him and his dad, and his dad told me flat out that he wouldn't sign the papers, because, and I quote, no one helped him, no one gave him any handouts, he had to do it all himself, and that's the way it should be - I was like, um, what? I could have argued that - I could have said, you piece of shit, it's not a handout, you don't have to give him anything, you just have to sign the damn form so he can apply for federal aid just like every other college student in America - but what can I really, actually say, to someone else's parent?
My parents weren't perfect, but holy shit. At least they signed the FAFSA forms. It's not like he was holding it over his head, either, like, do what I say or I won't sign the forms. It was just flat out, I'm never signing them, you're completely screwed and I don't care. I guess it's just a bunch of big ifs... if I go to school, if he goes to school, if we move in together, if we're really in love, if this was meant to be or if this is going to end up one big disaster, if this is worth rearranging any of either of our plans - if we can take a break, if we can spend time apart and then actually come back to each other... that kind of scares me right there. If I leave and he stays here... who's here but, what's her name... Courtney... the girl he may or may not have hooked up with (actually, according to her, nothing happened. But it's the principle of it - he went out without me and went home with her) and if not her, someone else, I mean... I never thought this would be such an issue, but it's like... I don't want him to tell me he won't do something like that again, because then I feel like I'm setting myself up to be lied to, because he lied to Jory about me... and then it's like, I'd have to promise the same thing and to be honest... I don't know that I could keep a promise like that either.
I was about to go off on the whole "well he's a guy" thing, but... maybe that has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's just that... I know how to be friends with someone. I know how to have sex with someone (obviously). So, I have a great friend, and we have great sex and is that really the same thing as being in love?
And you know what else? Where do I get off deciding what's best for someone else, anyway? Part of me doesn't want to ask him to come with me because I think he will say yes - he'll say yes right away. He's been kind of... clingy with me, I guess? Not really in a bad way, but, that's kind of what it is. If I asked him now... he'd probably say yes. And all I can see him doing in Philly is exactly what he's doing here - it'd be more of the same somewhere else. No new opportunities there for him. And no ocean, either. And then he would leave me.
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
Just that nothing is simple, I guess.
