Lara I.

I woke up this morning hung over.

I woke up at eight. That's really, really late for me. I'm used to waking up at three thirty every morning, and if I go back to sleep I usually wake up again around five or so.

I did not wake up until eight. So I guess my sleep schedule is already getting weird on me.

My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulder hurt. My back hurt. My hands hurt. My face hurt. Every fucking thing hurt.

I tried to get out of bed but the floor dumped me back in. It can do that, the floor.

( Okay, so, now that we've established I must have gotten drunk last night... )

Geez, if you read through all this, you're a trooper, that's for sure. Thanks. Even if you don't leave a comment, thanks for just reading. I think a few months ago in one of my entries I swore I wasn't always like this. Huh. Apparently I am always like this. Sorry to mislead.

I'm kind of... in some emotional turmoil right now.

I wish I hadn't gone to see Krissy. No matter how much I try to just shrug it all off, tell myself it didn't matter, tell myself "oh she wasn't THE ONE, it was all just for the sake of a good time..."

I am actually aching inside right now.

No matter how tough I want to be. No matter how callous I try to tell myself I am. No matter how often I say I can take it,

It's pretty easy to hurt me. All you have to do is get me to care.

I'd like to write it all out like a story, we went to dinner, we went to a karaoke bar, we had a bottle of wine at her apartment, etc, etc, etc, I just can't do it, because that's not how it will come out. It'll come out as this super-emotional heavily reflective no-one-cares-but-me drivel (that I've already written and deleted a few times over) that doesn't even have one of those nice neat ending sentences where Our Hero says, "well, through all this, I've learned blah, blah, and blah, and I guess that makes me a better/stronger/MORE AWESOME person in the long run."

I tried so hard not to fall too hard. Not to get too attached. Not to be too in love. Too obsessed. I made damn sure I didn't structure my entire life, my entire future, all my goals, all my everything around another person, even if that person is someone as incredibly wonderful as her.

Yeah, I tried, but all I really succeeded in doing was putting on a great big farce. Of course I fell too hard. Of course I cared too much. Of course I love her. Too much. And of course my stupid, moronic, confused self couldn't even acknowledge any of that. No, of course not.

And it's too late now. It wasn't a good visit. I didn't have a good time. I wish I hadn't gone.

Because nothing can ever be the way it was.

I haven't always been home on Christmas.

But I've never been alone for Christmas before.