When Silence Is A Positive Sign
Sep. 8th, 2008 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationSo, you may have noticed I've been conspicuously missing from your flists.
No you haven't. But now that I mentioned it perhaps you do recall that I haven't been around for a few days :P
I have been being social and stuff. It's been a blast. I have a lot to say. LOTS.
Of course nothing is perfect. And before you click the cut and skip to the end, NO, nothing has changed in regards to the previous entry. I am still wallowing in mountains of sexual frustration.
But aside from that, other things have been going on. I think I lose at friends, for one thing.
Erica flat out ditched me this weekend. We had plans. Big ones. And she just suddenly stopped answering her phone. She keeps denying it, but she's got to be hooking up with someone. I wish she would just tell me so. It's not like I'd stop liking her just because we're not both single girls anymore. For as much as she kept saying she's not interested in dating anyone else, I never really believed that. I always felt like she was telling herself that because her and her boyfriend had such a bad breakup. And now I feel like she, for some reason, is hiding shit from me.
It's not like I feel like I have the right to be told everything she does with her life. But I would like her to show up when she says she will, or, if she doesn't, at least let me know why.
This girl used to be at my house every day. Every. Single. Day. To the point of freaking me out a little bit. To the point where I had to tell her she couldn't keep her stuff here. She would sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the futon, or sometimes we'd share the bed. She'd stay here for like five days straight, play on my computer while I was at work, whatever.
I haven't seen her in like a week.
This is kind of how friendships tend to go for me. People start out being really super into me, and then just kind of disappear. I don't know - at this point, because this is what I expect to happen, has it just become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
So, my friend, my very, very good friend Matt, who I've known for most of my life and who I grew up with, invited me up to New York to see the Phillies games last weekend. He's had the tickets for months - he got two for me for each game without really asking me if I wanted to come - he just assumed that of course I would want a ticket. Last time I saw Matt me and Erica were kind of attached at the hip - so the second tickets were meant for Erica.
Erica and I were supposed to go up there on either Friday night or Saturday morning. The first game was Saturday afternoon and the second one was Sunday night. She was supposed to drive. This has been planned for over a month - probably closer to two.
Well, Erica hasn't returned my calls all week. So on Friday night I went nowhere - I stayed home being all pissed at her for screwing me over. Saturday - I had requested off work on Saturday, you know, because I had plans - Saturday I picked up a shift from someone else, which of course was worthless because Saturday was the hurricane. No one went out to eat.
No, an all out hurricane did not hit my town - I would not be going to work if one had. Everything is fine here - it was just a big storm, that's all. There was a real hurricane - it just wasn't here. Hurricanes don't usually nail the Jersey shore. But there was a rain delay on the first game, because of the hurricane, and it was rescheduled for Sunday afternoon - they were going to play a double header. Matt kept calling me telling me I should find some way to get up there because he still had my tickets and I could still make it to both games.
Sometimes I talk like I don't have any friends, or like the only friends I have are the people I hang out with here. That isn't true, but at the same time, the friends I do have are not near by. Matt lives north of NYC and of course I don't really drive - there's no way I'd take my car all the way up there, screw the fact it's not insured, I don't think it would even make it. So for us to see each other is always a big production.
But about halfway through my shift on Saturday I figured I'd give it a try.
Me and Bevan work the same shifts on the weekends, so I knew he was off on Sunday, and so I asked him if he would drive me to New York so I could see my friend, and told him how Erica had screwed me over. He kind of looked at me like I was insane - until I was like, and those Phillies tickets have to go to somebody... you know, with like a big grin and stuff. Hoping it would work.
I'm not super in to baseball. In fact, I went to a baseball game and had a shitty time. But I know Bevan is really into it, so I thought the tickets would be a worthy exchange for the drive.
It worked. As soon as the storm cleared up - which was pretty much in the middle of the night - I called Matt and told him not to give my tickets away, that I was coming after all and bringing a friend that wasn't Erica. And we drove up to White Plains around midnight-ish. It was a pretty long drive. Bevan said I could sleep in the car but I was a little paranoid that if I fell asleep he might fall asleep too and crash the car, so I made myself stay up so we could talk. I don't know, sometimes I get these weird feelings about things - I don't mean I'm psychic. Maybe it's just that I'm cautious, or that I'm paranoid, or realistic, even. I don't know. Anyway, so we talked the whole ride up there.
I can talk a lot. I like to talk, but really I like to listen to other people talk. That's kind of how I got to be friends with Erica - she loves to talk about herself, and I like listening to people talk about themselves and then comparing it to how they actually are. Bevan is not really naturally a talker. He doesn't just talk and talk and talk. I have to really ply things out of him. And it's not even that he's shy, I don't think, because even if we're drinking, even if he's drunk, he still doesn't really talk all that much.
But I'm getting better at sustaining conversations with him - I've had enough practice, I think.
We did not talk at all about Jory. I'm not really comfortable with bringing her up and he didn't bring her up either, and so really I have no idea what's going on between them or how they left things when she went back to Penn State. I don't know why I feel like that should have an impact on our friendship, but I kind of do.
When we got to Matt's my other good friend, Jimmy, was sleeping on the air mattress in the corner. Jimmy is a friend I met in college - if I knew he was going to be there I completely forgot - so that was a nice surprise. For a while I thought Jimmy was mad at me and didn't want anything to do with me, but if that was ever the case it isn't now, and I'm really glad I got to spend time with him as well because I hadn't seen him in a few years at least.
And I did have a good time at the games. Both of them. I think the weather really helped - it was clear and sunny but not intolerably hot. I really think it was the heat that pushed me over the edge at the last game. I felt a little bit like a celebrity - everywhere we went we got hollered at (and usually booed) because there we were in the Mets home stadium all dressed up in Philly paraphernalia. Even me - Matt let me wear his spare hat. I don't think I've ever owned a baseball cap before. They're not really part of my definition of "cute" but they do keep the sun out of your eyes...
Phillies won the first game and lost the second but both were good games to watch and it was an awesome, awesome day. Me and Bevan got home around four this morning. It was definitely worth it.
Matt kept asking what was up with Erica, and I just kept saying "she sucks," cause, at this point, she really does. We could have spent the whole weekend up there at Matt's place - Matt has this great apartment with his girlfriend - and I would have liked to spend the whole weekend there just so I could have more time with my friends, and they're cool people and very welcoming and she would have had a good time with them too. Bevan did. I'm glad we both got to go - it was fun and I really liked kind of being forced to have conversations with him in the car.
So anyway, that's where I've been - having fun. Fun but, not sex. I haven't been having any of that. I told Matt a little bit about the strip club and his response, of course, was "we need to get you laid." And honestly? That isn't really what I want. That doesn't even begin to cover it.
I try very hard to be happy. I take a pill for that. But I'm just always so fucking lonely. I would like not to be lonely but... sometimes I feel like my brain is just stuck that way or something. How can I be lonely at Matt's place, with Matt right there? How can I be lonely in Bevan's car, with him right there with me?
It's hard to just go for what you want most when you don't even know what it is you want to begin with, isn't it?
But I did have a very good time. And I'm back now, home, here, whatever. Still the same person. Still the same everything.
No you haven't. But now that I mentioned it perhaps you do recall that I haven't been around for a few days :P
I have been being social and stuff. It's been a blast. I have a lot to say. LOTS.
Of course nothing is perfect. And before you click the cut and skip to the end, NO, nothing has changed in regards to the previous entry. I am still wallowing in mountains of sexual frustration.
But aside from that, other things have been going on. I think I lose at friends, for one thing.
Erica flat out ditched me this weekend. We had plans. Big ones. And she just suddenly stopped answering her phone. She keeps denying it, but she's got to be hooking up with someone. I wish she would just tell me so. It's not like I'd stop liking her just because we're not both single girls anymore. For as much as she kept saying she's not interested in dating anyone else, I never really believed that. I always felt like she was telling herself that because her and her boyfriend had such a bad breakup. And now I feel like she, for some reason, is hiding shit from me.
It's not like I feel like I have the right to be told everything she does with her life. But I would like her to show up when she says she will, or, if she doesn't, at least let me know why.
This girl used to be at my house every day. Every. Single. Day. To the point of freaking me out a little bit. To the point where I had to tell her she couldn't keep her stuff here. She would sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the futon, or sometimes we'd share the bed. She'd stay here for like five days straight, play on my computer while I was at work, whatever.
I haven't seen her in like a week.
This is kind of how friendships tend to go for me. People start out being really super into me, and then just kind of disappear. I don't know - at this point, because this is what I expect to happen, has it just become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
So, my friend, my very, very good friend Matt, who I've known for most of my life and who I grew up with, invited me up to New York to see the Phillies games last weekend. He's had the tickets for months - he got two for me for each game without really asking me if I wanted to come - he just assumed that of course I would want a ticket. Last time I saw Matt me and Erica were kind of attached at the hip - so the second tickets were meant for Erica.
Erica and I were supposed to go up there on either Friday night or Saturday morning. The first game was Saturday afternoon and the second one was Sunday night. She was supposed to drive. This has been planned for over a month - probably closer to two.
Well, Erica hasn't returned my calls all week. So on Friday night I went nowhere - I stayed home being all pissed at her for screwing me over. Saturday - I had requested off work on Saturday, you know, because I had plans - Saturday I picked up a shift from someone else, which of course was worthless because Saturday was the hurricane. No one went out to eat.
No, an all out hurricane did not hit my town - I would not be going to work if one had. Everything is fine here - it was just a big storm, that's all. There was a real hurricane - it just wasn't here. Hurricanes don't usually nail the Jersey shore. But there was a rain delay on the first game, because of the hurricane, and it was rescheduled for Sunday afternoon - they were going to play a double header. Matt kept calling me telling me I should find some way to get up there because he still had my tickets and I could still make it to both games.
Sometimes I talk like I don't have any friends, or like the only friends I have are the people I hang out with here. That isn't true, but at the same time, the friends I do have are not near by. Matt lives north of NYC and of course I don't really drive - there's no way I'd take my car all the way up there, screw the fact it's not insured, I don't think it would even make it. So for us to see each other is always a big production.
But about halfway through my shift on Saturday I figured I'd give it a try.
Me and Bevan work the same shifts on the weekends, so I knew he was off on Sunday, and so I asked him if he would drive me to New York so I could see my friend, and told him how Erica had screwed me over. He kind of looked at me like I was insane - until I was like, and those Phillies tickets have to go to somebody... you know, with like a big grin and stuff. Hoping it would work.
I'm not super in to baseball. In fact, I went to a baseball game and had a shitty time. But I know Bevan is really into it, so I thought the tickets would be a worthy exchange for the drive.
It worked. As soon as the storm cleared up - which was pretty much in the middle of the night - I called Matt and told him not to give my tickets away, that I was coming after all and bringing a friend that wasn't Erica. And we drove up to White Plains around midnight-ish. It was a pretty long drive. Bevan said I could sleep in the car but I was a little paranoid that if I fell asleep he might fall asleep too and crash the car, so I made myself stay up so we could talk. I don't know, sometimes I get these weird feelings about things - I don't mean I'm psychic. Maybe it's just that I'm cautious, or that I'm paranoid, or realistic, even. I don't know. Anyway, so we talked the whole ride up there.
I can talk a lot. I like to talk, but really I like to listen to other people talk. That's kind of how I got to be friends with Erica - she loves to talk about herself, and I like listening to people talk about themselves and then comparing it to how they actually are. Bevan is not really naturally a talker. He doesn't just talk and talk and talk. I have to really ply things out of him. And it's not even that he's shy, I don't think, because even if we're drinking, even if he's drunk, he still doesn't really talk all that much.
But I'm getting better at sustaining conversations with him - I've had enough practice, I think.
We did not talk at all about Jory. I'm not really comfortable with bringing her up and he didn't bring her up either, and so really I have no idea what's going on between them or how they left things when she went back to Penn State. I don't know why I feel like that should have an impact on our friendship, but I kind of do.
When we got to Matt's my other good friend, Jimmy, was sleeping on the air mattress in the corner. Jimmy is a friend I met in college - if I knew he was going to be there I completely forgot - so that was a nice surprise. For a while I thought Jimmy was mad at me and didn't want anything to do with me, but if that was ever the case it isn't now, and I'm really glad I got to spend time with him as well because I hadn't seen him in a few years at least.
And I did have a good time at the games. Both of them. I think the weather really helped - it was clear and sunny but not intolerably hot. I really think it was the heat that pushed me over the edge at the last game. I felt a little bit like a celebrity - everywhere we went we got hollered at (and usually booed) because there we were in the Mets home stadium all dressed up in Philly paraphernalia. Even me - Matt let me wear his spare hat. I don't think I've ever owned a baseball cap before. They're not really part of my definition of "cute" but they do keep the sun out of your eyes...
Phillies won the first game and lost the second but both were good games to watch and it was an awesome, awesome day. Me and Bevan got home around four this morning. It was definitely worth it.
Matt kept asking what was up with Erica, and I just kept saying "she sucks," cause, at this point, she really does. We could have spent the whole weekend up there at Matt's place - Matt has this great apartment with his girlfriend - and I would have liked to spend the whole weekend there just so I could have more time with my friends, and they're cool people and very welcoming and she would have had a good time with them too. Bevan did. I'm glad we both got to go - it was fun and I really liked kind of being forced to have conversations with him in the car.
So anyway, that's where I've been - having fun. Fun but, not sex. I haven't been having any of that. I told Matt a little bit about the strip club and his response, of course, was "we need to get you laid." And honestly? That isn't really what I want. That doesn't even begin to cover it.
I try very hard to be happy. I take a pill for that. But I'm just always so fucking lonely. I would like not to be lonely but... sometimes I feel like my brain is just stuck that way or something. How can I be lonely at Matt's place, with Matt right there? How can I be lonely in Bevan's car, with him right there with me?
It's hard to just go for what you want most when you don't even know what it is you want to begin with, isn't it?
But I did have a very good time. And I'm back now, home, here, whatever. Still the same person. Still the same everything.
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reverse culture-shock
Date: 2008-09-09 03:37 am (UTC)Just saying.
Re: reverse culture-shock
Date: 2008-09-10 02:07 am (UTC)