Things I Would Like To Learn
Apr. 30th, 2008 09:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationI would like to learn to stand up for myself at work.
And I would like to learn to form my own opinions of myself.
That would be really great.
So I saw my cousin today. I have a cousin, by the way. Actually, I have several, but one of them lives about a fifteen minute drive from me. I have two aunts and two uncles who live close to here as well.
I know they don't like me. That's been made perfectly clear ever since I moved down here. They think I should have sold the houses, or, better yet, sold the houses to one of them, or maybe to my parents, for a small amount of money. And I know my mom has spent quite a lot of time telling everyone how horrible of a daughter I am and how I do all these terrible things. I know she warned them all not to help me out, that I would take advantage of them, that I would disrupt their lives, steal from them, bring legal trouble to their door, all of it. I know because when I moved here that's pretty much exactly what I was told: I'm sorry, Lara, but I just can't help you.
So I left work this morning at seven am, because that's when my shift ends. Yes, my two hour shift, that one. Then a little after nine, when I was at home sleeping, Renee called me to come back in and work for Shaina, because Shaina called out saying her kids were home from school so she couldn't come in to work. So, they had an in-service day or something. She knew they wouldn't have school today. Did she tell Renee ahead of time, request off, ask someone to cover for her? No, of course not. She just called up an hour before and informed her that she would not be coming to work today. So Renee calls me, and I come back to work. Shaina's shift is nine to two, and so I assumed I was going to leave at two. Did I leave at two? No, I did not. I ended up staying until FOUR. Yes, that's right, four. And you know what time I had to be at my other job? Oh, four.
I was doing her a FAVOR by coming back in to work. And she actually let someone else leave early and just assumed that I would stay that late. She didn't ask me and she didn't even tell me, she just let the other girl leave when the afternoon person came in. So I had to stay until four, no ifs ands or buts.
But there SHOULD have been ifs ands and butts. That store isn't my entire life. I should have just left - I wasn't locked inside or anything. My shift was over at two - I came in to cover for Shaina, her shift was over at two, so two it should have been. I shouldn't have asked if it would be 'okay' if I left, I should have just said, just like Shaina said when she called out, that I was not staying any later than two.
And then Renee actually wrote me up for using my phone behind the counter. Nevermind I was using my phone to call my other job and tell them I wasn't going to be able to come in because my ride was supposed to get me at three and at three I was still at work, so it wasn't just that I was going to be late, I didn't think I would be able to get to work, period.
I have no idea when I started thinking of myself as such an adult - I remember turning eighteen and being like, yeah, I'm an adult now, but, the people I was around then were all older than me, and they didn't call themselves adults and didn't act like it either, and, you know, it's something I stopped thinking about. But these days I can't get it out of my head: I'm an adult now. An adult. A real, bonafide grown up. And here's my job treating me like a child. And I just let them. I let them do it over and over and over again, and I'm fucking sick of it.
So my cousin came in the store this morning. And I was like 0.o "Hi!" And it was 'hi' in a, wow, long time no see, how are ya kind of hi, not a regular hi can I help you kind of hi.
Looked him right in the eye and said hi. Gave him a big smile. Was genuinely glad to see him.
And he said to me, "hi, two cappucinos."
Yep, that is what he said. And I really don't think it's possible that he didn't recognize me. I mean, come on. I held him when he was a baby. I'm in all his family photo albums. My middle school pictures are probably on his mom's fridge. HE KNOWS WHO THE FUCK I AM.
So I was like, "Sure what size?" And I made them. And I kept trying to talk to him, you know, but he was really acting like I was just some coffee girl makin' his drinks.
WHAT.
THE FUCK.
I should really learn to like myself. Just a little. And I do, sometimes, in some ways. But I don't like myself enough not to let something like that shake me to the core, every time. I'm not a bad person. I might be unpleasant to be around, but I'm not a bad person. I might be selfish but I'm not cruel. And I know this isn't what they teach you in twelve step, but it wasn't my fault. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. Yes, I really am that fucking stubborn.
I don't know how much of what I said up there is really true. I don't know if my mom has really been telling people not to help me out and not to let me take advantage of them. To be perfectly honest, I've been avoiding my family about as much as they've been avoiding me. But seriously. Not to recognize me? Or to pretend not to recognize me? Yeah.
Sometimes life just sucks.
And I need to go the fuck to sleep, cause I've been up since... well I left for work at four thirty this morning. By eight am I was asleep but at nine I woke up again, so, not counting that hour or so? I've been up since yesterday afternoon.
And I would like to learn to form my own opinions of myself.
That would be really great.
So I saw my cousin today. I have a cousin, by the way. Actually, I have several, but one of them lives about a fifteen minute drive from me. I have two aunts and two uncles who live close to here as well.
I know they don't like me. That's been made perfectly clear ever since I moved down here. They think I should have sold the houses, or, better yet, sold the houses to one of them, or maybe to my parents, for a small amount of money. And I know my mom has spent quite a lot of time telling everyone how horrible of a daughter I am and how I do all these terrible things. I know she warned them all not to help me out, that I would take advantage of them, that I would disrupt their lives, steal from them, bring legal trouble to their door, all of it. I know because when I moved here that's pretty much exactly what I was told: I'm sorry, Lara, but I just can't help you.
So I left work this morning at seven am, because that's when my shift ends. Yes, my two hour shift, that one. Then a little after nine, when I was at home sleeping, Renee called me to come back in and work for Shaina, because Shaina called out saying her kids were home from school so she couldn't come in to work. So, they had an in-service day or something. She knew they wouldn't have school today. Did she tell Renee ahead of time, request off, ask someone to cover for her? No, of course not. She just called up an hour before and informed her that she would not be coming to work today. So Renee calls me, and I come back to work. Shaina's shift is nine to two, and so I assumed I was going to leave at two. Did I leave at two? No, I did not. I ended up staying until FOUR. Yes, that's right, four. And you know what time I had to be at my other job? Oh, four.
I was doing her a FAVOR by coming back in to work. And she actually let someone else leave early and just assumed that I would stay that late. She didn't ask me and she didn't even tell me, she just let the other girl leave when the afternoon person came in. So I had to stay until four, no ifs ands or buts.
But there SHOULD have been ifs ands and butts. That store isn't my entire life. I should have just left - I wasn't locked inside or anything. My shift was over at two - I came in to cover for Shaina, her shift was over at two, so two it should have been. I shouldn't have asked if it would be 'okay' if I left, I should have just said, just like Shaina said when she called out, that I was not staying any later than two.
And then Renee actually wrote me up for using my phone behind the counter. Nevermind I was using my phone to call my other job and tell them I wasn't going to be able to come in because my ride was supposed to get me at three and at three I was still at work, so it wasn't just that I was going to be late, I didn't think I would be able to get to work, period.
I have no idea when I started thinking of myself as such an adult - I remember turning eighteen and being like, yeah, I'm an adult now, but, the people I was around then were all older than me, and they didn't call themselves adults and didn't act like it either, and, you know, it's something I stopped thinking about. But these days I can't get it out of my head: I'm an adult now. An adult. A real, bonafide grown up. And here's my job treating me like a child. And I just let them. I let them do it over and over and over again, and I'm fucking sick of it.
So my cousin came in the store this morning. And I was like 0.o "Hi!" And it was 'hi' in a, wow, long time no see, how are ya kind of hi, not a regular hi can I help you kind of hi.
Looked him right in the eye and said hi. Gave him a big smile. Was genuinely glad to see him.
And he said to me, "hi, two cappucinos."
Yep, that is what he said. And I really don't think it's possible that he didn't recognize me. I mean, come on. I held him when he was a baby. I'm in all his family photo albums. My middle school pictures are probably on his mom's fridge. HE KNOWS WHO THE FUCK I AM.
So I was like, "Sure what size?" And I made them. And I kept trying to talk to him, you know, but he was really acting like I was just some coffee girl makin' his drinks.
WHAT.
THE FUCK.
I should really learn to like myself. Just a little. And I do, sometimes, in some ways. But I don't like myself enough not to let something like that shake me to the core, every time. I'm not a bad person. I might be unpleasant to be around, but I'm not a bad person. I might be selfish but I'm not cruel. And I know this isn't what they teach you in twelve step, but it wasn't my fault. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. Yes, I really am that fucking stubborn.
I don't know how much of what I said up there is really true. I don't know if my mom has really been telling people not to help me out and not to let me take advantage of them. To be perfectly honest, I've been avoiding my family about as much as they've been avoiding me. But seriously. Not to recognize me? Or to pretend not to recognize me? Yeah.
Sometimes life just sucks.
And I need to go the fuck to sleep, cause I've been up since... well I left for work at four thirty this morning. By eight am I was asleep but at nine I woke up again, so, not counting that hour or so? I've been up since yesterday afternoon.
