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There She Goes, Chippin' Away At My Heart
Jul. 10th, 2008 03:26 pmMessage from Krissy on my IM: It's been too long since I've seen you. I need to see you again.
Response from me: Close window, do not accept.
Response from me (in my head: Dear Krissy, why are you doing this to me? Did you know it took me days to recover from the last time I visited you? I was an emotional wreck, and it's all because I can't figure you out. I don't know what you want. What do you want? If you "need to see me" then come the fuck over here - if you "need to see me" so badly then you shouldn't have decided - decided FOR ME, might I add - that the relationship didn't mean enough to me to continue it. We've been broken up for a whole year - I've got no success, no happy and fun stories to rub in your face, like, haha, I'm here at the shore livin' it up WITHOUT YOU - no, I've been lonely as fuck and overworked and hugely stressed and just plain sad - but even if I did have something to rub in your face, I wouldn't do it, because that's not how I roll.
I love you. I told you that, I meant it, and I'm not going to stop loving you but you freak me out. The things you say freak me out. Not caring what other people think is cool. Not caring how other people feel is scary - I can sit there and pour my soul out to you, but in the end, you're just in it for you, and you've said as much yourself. I'm not a girl from a catalogue, I'm not an American Girl Doll you can pick out by characteristic and have shipped to you and play with it whenever the mood strikes you.
I'm not coming back to Philly, and I'm certainly not coming back to Philly to make your life better. I care about you, I want you to be happy, so where is the same consideration for me, especially if I'm someone you need to see so badly? There is nothing for me in Philly. I can't afford rent, anywhere, period, I've got a shit list of jobs to choose from and unless you're saying to me, Lara, I love you, I want to share my life with you and be with you forever, then no, I'm not giving up everything I've worked for here and all the stability I'm trying so desperately to cling to just so I can pop in and out of your life on a (your) whim. And you're not saying that. You've never said anything like that.
Response from Krissy (also in my head): You're so cute when you're angry!
She always said shit like that. I'd get all worked up about something and she'd just laugh it off, dismiss it, uninteresting to her. Why did I not put her first in my life? Because she did not put me first in her life, so why should I have? Not that I like where I am now, but where would I be if I had stayed where I was? She'd get sick of me living in her apartment, she'd start bringing other people home with her, it'd be a breakup-without-words, she'd start asking me how soon I could move out without even having the "this isn't working out" conversation -
Maybe I should try a pet rock. I'm not home enough to be a crazy cat lady, but I could probably handle a pet rock...
Response from me: Close window, do not accept.
Response from me (in my head: Dear Krissy, why are you doing this to me? Did you know it took me days to recover from the last time I visited you? I was an emotional wreck, and it's all because I can't figure you out. I don't know what you want. What do you want? If you "need to see me" then come the fuck over here - if you "need to see me" so badly then you shouldn't have decided - decided FOR ME, might I add - that the relationship didn't mean enough to me to continue it. We've been broken up for a whole year - I've got no success, no happy and fun stories to rub in your face, like, haha, I'm here at the shore livin' it up WITHOUT YOU - no, I've been lonely as fuck and overworked and hugely stressed and just plain sad - but even if I did have something to rub in your face, I wouldn't do it, because that's not how I roll.
I love you. I told you that, I meant it, and I'm not going to stop loving you but you freak me out. The things you say freak me out. Not caring what other people think is cool. Not caring how other people feel is scary - I can sit there and pour my soul out to you, but in the end, you're just in it for you, and you've said as much yourself. I'm not a girl from a catalogue, I'm not an American Girl Doll you can pick out by characteristic and have shipped to you and play with it whenever the mood strikes you.
I'm not coming back to Philly, and I'm certainly not coming back to Philly to make your life better. I care about you, I want you to be happy, so where is the same consideration for me, especially if I'm someone you need to see so badly? There is nothing for me in Philly. I can't afford rent, anywhere, period, I've got a shit list of jobs to choose from and unless you're saying to me, Lara, I love you, I want to share my life with you and be with you forever, then no, I'm not giving up everything I've worked for here and all the stability I'm trying so desperately to cling to just so I can pop in and out of your life on a (your) whim. And you're not saying that. You've never said anything like that.
Response from Krissy (also in my head): You're so cute when you're angry!
She always said shit like that. I'd get all worked up about something and she'd just laugh it off, dismiss it, uninteresting to her. Why did I not put her first in my life? Because she did not put me first in her life, so why should I have? Not that I like where I am now, but where would I be if I had stayed where I was? She'd get sick of me living in her apartment, she'd start bringing other people home with her, it'd be a breakup-without-words, she'd start asking me how soon I could move out without even having the "this isn't working out" conversation -
Maybe I should try a pet rock. I'm not home enough to be a crazy cat lady, but I could probably handle a pet rock...
