Life With A Side Of Erica

So, baseball - this is called postseason, and it's leading up to the world series. "My" team is the Phillies - New Jersey does not have a baseball team of their own. I sometimes don't realize that not every city out there has a sports team for every major sport there is, but Philadelphia does. And Philly kind of has a reputation for having really good sports teams that always manage to fuck it up at the last minute.

I mentioned I saw the game Thursday night at a bar. It was a very high-energy game - baseball can be very boring to watch but I am starting to get into it, like I said. And the game was great, there was a grand slam and everything. I think I'm starting to see baseball like one of my TV shows or something, weird, eh?

Anyway, I worked on Friday night, all night, and went home and sat around online and stuff. Saturday I worked all day and all night as well, but Saturday night I was doing take-out instead of being a hostess.

Doing take-out is kind of fun because it's something different to do for a change. Also, I don't have to stay in the lobby, I stay by the bar, and Saturday night is always Bevan's bar shift. If I'm not answering the phone or busy ringing people up or something, he always lets me make drinks and wash the glasses if I want to. It's kind of cool. So, Erica and Hanna came to the restaurant and sat at the bar to watch the Phillies game, just like she said she would, and I was kinda surprised by that. I was pretty much expecting her to bail on us.

So working was a little like hanging out, because everyone at work was watching the game too. When the game ended (and the game was awful, Phillies lost miserably, and it was a very boring and low-energy game) the restaurant pretty much cleared out, and since Bevan was the first bartender in, he got to leave first, and the four of us left together.

( And I really should have expected this, since it was Saturday night and all. )

Yeah, go me. I am THE WORST friend ever. And that I-wish-I-was-a-dominatrix girl I mentioned that I used to live with? Yeah, I was a shit friend to her too.

Disgust.

Well, I apologized to Erica today.

I don't know what's the matter with me sometimes. On the one hand, I feel like I should just be able to say, hey, that's the way I am, that's how I act, I am moody, I am angry, and I am often completely irrational, and you know, that's just the way I am so you just have to deal with it. But should "that's just the way I am" really be an excuse for bad behavior?

I guess what I'm really saying is that I really hate the attitude of "well that's who I am so I can't help it that I treat you that way." And I hate that as much as I try to be different, that is the way I am. Clearly, it is.

And you know, this upset me more than it upset her. She was really to let the whole thing just blow over - because she's already caught on to the fact that this is just "they way I am."

I TAKE A FUCKING PILL NOT TO BE THIS WAY!

What the hell would I be like without it? Or is it not working anymore? Ah, I've got it, I've built up a resistance to it! That would make sense, that would sure fit the pattern, now, wouldn't it?

Why did I have to be wired COMPLETELY FUCKING BATSHIT?

I can't talk about this anymore. I need to storm off. I need to slam some doors. I need to break something. A few things. I need to fly off the handle again. I can feel it brewing - and it won't make me feel better. It won't change a FUCKING thing.