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The Past Is A Different Country
Feb. 8th, 2009 11:48 pmThey Do Things Differently There
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about me and B and about how I still feel really uncomfortable about us - I was uncomfortable about us just hooking up and now I'm uncomfortable being his girlfriend. Why, though? I mean, seriously, why? The other night we were laying on the couch watching The Daily Show and somehow I got on the topic of me not being that great of a catch, etc, and he pushed me right off onto the floor and said I wasn't allowed back on his couch until I ceased to trash-talk myself. Um. I mean, yeah, I think the stuff I say is valid, but he says he doesn't want to hear it because he doesn't believe it. So... this is a good quality, right?
It kind of occurred to me that I'm really used to being jerked around by people I date, or try to date. I assume it kind of just comes with the package, like, okay, if I'm gonna fall for someone, then they're gonna jerk me around. Keep me guessing. Make me cry. Break my heart in the end. Bevan and I have certainly had our disagreements, but it's not really the same thing. He's not just playing around with me. It's not a game or a contest or whatever, and I don't feel like I have to have my "game face" on all the time "or else."
If anything, my going back and forth and back and forth like this is me jerking him around, and am I so inclined to act like this because this is what I'm used to in a relationship and since he's not doing it then I'm feeling compelled to behave this way?
I don't know why I feel the need to drag old relationships into this. He didn't know those people. He's nothing like any of them, and even if he was, that doesn't mean that whatever has happened before will automatically be repeated now. I've changed since then by the simple fact that time has passed. So I'm not the same either - why do I expect things to just run on a cycle or something?
Why can't I see this as something separate and individual?
In a way, I had sort of the same problem with Krissy. I mean, I think I sort of expected Krissy to be like Whinnie, and wouldn't let myself get too enmeshed in her life because since it didn't work out with Whinnie, I assumed it wouldn't be possible with Krissy either and I'd just save myself the heartache. Well, we all know how that worked out, right? No heartache was saved there.
I'm so bad at this. Seriously.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about me and B and about how I still feel really uncomfortable about us - I was uncomfortable about us just hooking up and now I'm uncomfortable being his girlfriend. Why, though? I mean, seriously, why? The other night we were laying on the couch watching The Daily Show and somehow I got on the topic of me not being that great of a catch, etc, and he pushed me right off onto the floor and said I wasn't allowed back on his couch until I ceased to trash-talk myself. Um. I mean, yeah, I think the stuff I say is valid, but he says he doesn't want to hear it because he doesn't believe it. So... this is a good quality, right?
It kind of occurred to me that I'm really used to being jerked around by people I date, or try to date. I assume it kind of just comes with the package, like, okay, if I'm gonna fall for someone, then they're gonna jerk me around. Keep me guessing. Make me cry. Break my heart in the end. Bevan and I have certainly had our disagreements, but it's not really the same thing. He's not just playing around with me. It's not a game or a contest or whatever, and I don't feel like I have to have my "game face" on all the time "or else."
If anything, my going back and forth and back and forth like this is me jerking him around, and am I so inclined to act like this because this is what I'm used to in a relationship and since he's not doing it then I'm feeling compelled to behave this way?
I don't know why I feel the need to drag old relationships into this. He didn't know those people. He's nothing like any of them, and even if he was, that doesn't mean that whatever has happened before will automatically be repeated now. I've changed since then by the simple fact that time has passed. So I'm not the same either - why do I expect things to just run on a cycle or something?
Why can't I see this as something separate and individual?
In a way, I had sort of the same problem with Krissy. I mean, I think I sort of expected Krissy to be like Whinnie, and wouldn't let myself get too enmeshed in her life because since it didn't work out with Whinnie, I assumed it wouldn't be possible with Krissy either and I'd just save myself the heartache. Well, we all know how that worked out, right? No heartache was saved there.
I'm so bad at this. Seriously.
