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The World Is Wide, The Song Is Long
Jul. 17th, 2009 06:14 pmI've about had it with Erica. She's officially off the list now. I don't have to have a big explosion with her - she's just done.
There's really only one time Erica and I really truly had a fight over something, and it was when she called me crazy. She also stole pills from me, but that part I could have let go (kinda) if it wasn't for the fact that she tried to get out of it by saying that I'm crazy. I'm not. She was in my meds basket and saw the stuff I take and that's where she got the idea I guess, but I'm not crazy. I know I'm not. I never thought I was, and no doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist or neurologist, ever thought I was, and I've seen plenty.
And I don't believe I'm really bipolar. I understand what bipolar is - and I don't think I'm that. No doctor has ever diagnosed me as bipolar except the one I see now, and that's because I lied to get that diagnosis because I wanted the drugs for it. I'm angry, impulsive, irresponsible, immature - sometimes I feel like the drugs help, sometimes I'm not really sure about that, but at this point, I'm afraid to try to go off them, judging by what I do when I'm unmedicated. But I'm not bipolar.
Erica... well, at work over the weekend, she was sitting at the employee table and so was I, and we were both having some lunch during the mid-afternoon kinda-slow period, and I asked her if it was all right if I sat there, and she said it was fine, and I tried to say something about Hanna and she was like, "I don't care about Hanna, just don't worry about it," and "it doesn't bother me, really, I don't care." So I figured, okay, then, I guess whatever the fuck this was, it's blown over and at least while we're at work together we can be normal again, even if I'm wary of actually being friends outside of work.
( No. No, and no. )
What is, really, my type?
Someone who's interesting, someone I can talk with, someone who listens and remembers and takes care, someone who balances me out and finds some kind of balance in me - someone who isn't batshit unstable, someone who doesn't find me exasperating or impossible to deal with - someone who gets excited about the same things that excite me - someone who's happiness makes me happy -
I don't know. What the fuck is my type, anyway?
There's really only one time Erica and I really truly had a fight over something, and it was when she called me crazy. She also stole pills from me, but that part I could have let go (kinda) if it wasn't for the fact that she tried to get out of it by saying that I'm crazy. I'm not. She was in my meds basket and saw the stuff I take and that's where she got the idea I guess, but I'm not crazy. I know I'm not. I never thought I was, and no doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist or neurologist, ever thought I was, and I've seen plenty.
And I don't believe I'm really bipolar. I understand what bipolar is - and I don't think I'm that. No doctor has ever diagnosed me as bipolar except the one I see now, and that's because I lied to get that diagnosis because I wanted the drugs for it. I'm angry, impulsive, irresponsible, immature - sometimes I feel like the drugs help, sometimes I'm not really sure about that, but at this point, I'm afraid to try to go off them, judging by what I do when I'm unmedicated. But I'm not bipolar.
Erica... well, at work over the weekend, she was sitting at the employee table and so was I, and we were both having some lunch during the mid-afternoon kinda-slow period, and I asked her if it was all right if I sat there, and she said it was fine, and I tried to say something about Hanna and she was like, "I don't care about Hanna, just don't worry about it," and "it doesn't bother me, really, I don't care." So I figured, okay, then, I guess whatever the fuck this was, it's blown over and at least while we're at work together we can be normal again, even if I'm wary of actually being friends outside of work.
( No. No, and no. )
What is, really, my type?
Someone who's interesting, someone I can talk with, someone who listens and remembers and takes care, someone who balances me out and finds some kind of balance in me - someone who isn't batshit unstable, someone who doesn't find me exasperating or impossible to deal with - someone who gets excited about the same things that excite me - someone who's happiness makes me happy -
I don't know. What the fuck is my type, anyway?
