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Haha, my title exceeded the character limit there. Was supposed to be "the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny." Now if you haven't got the They Might Be Giants song in your head or the Lemon Demon song, hopefully you're thinking of that obscure indie Italian/American comic...
Can you tell how scattered I'm thinking? What do I write about today? Going to the strip club and sitting there and feeling all around weird? I finally figured out why I never feel quite right being there. It's not because it's socially strange for a girl to go to a strip club - it isn't. I see other girls there sometimes. It's not because I'm uncomfortable possibly objectifying the dancers. I legitimately like to watch them dance on the poles. It's sexy, yeah, but it's also physically really impressive. It's aesthetically pleasing and exciting and I like it. I don't feel like a creep just sitting there with my chin on my hand and watching. I think it's because its the place, the situation, I guess, where I feel absolutely the least female. Just... completely removed from my own gender. I am watching girls. I am not a girl. That's what it is. That's why I always feel a little on edge there.
I don't think I have any more to say about that. I've been really tired lately - I never want to get up in the morning anymore. Not for some emo reason like "I don't have a reason to get up" or anything like that - I'm just that tired, I don't want to get up. For the past few days I've slept well past ten, right through everything I usually do in the mornings. I mean, really, this is totally unusual - I wake up early, normally, and can't get back to sleep so I just get up. I haven't been waking up, and when I do, I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm just tired. All around. Mentally and physically. And socially.
Me and B were supposed to go hiking today (yeah, yeah, I know... "hiking," okay?) and I was just like, no, please, lets just not go, can we just not go? I'm tired, I just want to do nothing all day - I don't know how else to describe it. Of course he was just like, okay, fine, we won't go if you don't want to (which is stupid because it was my idea in the first place...) but this is so not like me. I usually like to be doing something all the time. Even if I'm just staying him and going nowhere, I'm still somehow occupied. Past few days? Nope.
Yesterday morning I thought there was an evil panda bear next to my bed - obviously, this was a dream, but it was like I was half-awake while I was dreaming (yes, while we're on the subject of doing strange things while sleeping) - I mean, I knew it wasn't real. But I still thought it was there. I had to keep reminding myself that there was no evil panda, it was just a pile of clothes, and that I was asleep.
I've got an appointment with the admissions counsellor at my old school next Wednesday. I don't now, maybe, economically, this is a good time to be going to school. Maybe there is a degree I can get that really will benefit my life in more ways that just the ego-boost having a piece of paper will give me. I'm so close - eight credits! I mean, I'm not going to finish my BSE, but even so... it can't be that much more to get some kind of related degree. I've been jealous of my boyfriend all summer for going to school. "And when I come back from China" is going to be vastly different from "the summer before I went to China" and I'm excited for that, almost as much as I am about the trip itself. This isn't going to be another "and here I am right back where I started" thing - that huge post-adventure let-down, where it all seems like it was made up, fake, never happened, or was silly, frivolous, stupid - that isn't happening to me. I won't let it.
I swore up and down I'd never be stuck anywhere ever again. And I refuse to be. And that's that. Particle man.
Can you tell how scattered I'm thinking? What do I write about today? Going to the strip club and sitting there and feeling all around weird? I finally figured out why I never feel quite right being there. It's not because it's socially strange for a girl to go to a strip club - it isn't. I see other girls there sometimes. It's not because I'm uncomfortable possibly objectifying the dancers. I legitimately like to watch them dance on the poles. It's sexy, yeah, but it's also physically really impressive. It's aesthetically pleasing and exciting and I like it. I don't feel like a creep just sitting there with my chin on my hand and watching. I think it's because its the place, the situation, I guess, where I feel absolutely the least female. Just... completely removed from my own gender. I am watching girls. I am not a girl. That's what it is. That's why I always feel a little on edge there.
I don't think I have any more to say about that. I've been really tired lately - I never want to get up in the morning anymore. Not for some emo reason like "I don't have a reason to get up" or anything like that - I'm just that tired, I don't want to get up. For the past few days I've slept well past ten, right through everything I usually do in the mornings. I mean, really, this is totally unusual - I wake up early, normally, and can't get back to sleep so I just get up. I haven't been waking up, and when I do, I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm just tired. All around. Mentally and physically. And socially.
Me and B were supposed to go hiking today (yeah, yeah, I know... "hiking," okay?) and I was just like, no, please, lets just not go, can we just not go? I'm tired, I just want to do nothing all day - I don't know how else to describe it. Of course he was just like, okay, fine, we won't go if you don't want to (which is stupid because it was my idea in the first place...) but this is so not like me. I usually like to be doing something all the time. Even if I'm just staying him and going nowhere, I'm still somehow occupied. Past few days? Nope.
Yesterday morning I thought there was an evil panda bear next to my bed - obviously, this was a dream, but it was like I was half-awake while I was dreaming (yes, while we're on the subject of doing strange things while sleeping) - I mean, I knew it wasn't real. But I still thought it was there. I had to keep reminding myself that there was no evil panda, it was just a pile of clothes, and that I was asleep.
I've got an appointment with the admissions counsellor at my old school next Wednesday. I don't now, maybe, economically, this is a good time to be going to school. Maybe there is a degree I can get that really will benefit my life in more ways that just the ego-boost having a piece of paper will give me. I'm so close - eight credits! I mean, I'm not going to finish my BSE, but even so... it can't be that much more to get some kind of related degree. I've been jealous of my boyfriend all summer for going to school. "And when I come back from China" is going to be vastly different from "the summer before I went to China" and I'm excited for that, almost as much as I am about the trip itself. This isn't going to be another "and here I am right back where I started" thing - that huge post-adventure let-down, where it all seems like it was made up, fake, never happened, or was silly, frivolous, stupid - that isn't happening to me. I won't let it.
I swore up and down I'd never be stuck anywhere ever again. And I refuse to be. And that's that. Particle man.
