![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I do that, remember? Lie?
I did, eventually, spill to my boyfriend about lying to the therapist. I was quite upset - very, very upset, and he... honestly, I could not ever get him to understand what a big deal it was. I guess he is of the mindset that I've never lied to him, so it's not a big deal.
Actually, in the spirit of full disclosure, I told him I did lie to him, and my dad is not really a spy.
And he kind of looked at me and was like, one, I know your dad does not actually work for the CIA or anything. But just so you know - Ryan also tells people that his Uncle Joey is a spy. I always assumed you both meant he does something shady and not to ask about it.
And I was just like, oh.
So, when we agreed to meet Jason and Minh in Disney World over Christmas, instead of them ever actually coming here, the big question was, if we leave for Christmas, is anyone going to miss us? I, immediately, said no. No one will miss me.
Um. Yeah right. Who isn't going to miss me? Well, I'd say my dad, except for he's going to be here for Christmas cause, you know, this is his home. My dad, Amanda, their two kids (did I mention they're having another one? Another one?) - they'll all be here. And he is going to miss me. My cousins are all coming home - Ryan, Justin, and Marla are all coming down together and will be gone by the time I get back. They'll miss me. That doesn't mean I actually want to be here. I don't. But I did all of a sudden realize that I might be hurting my family members for disappearing over Christmas. I mean, my cousins are not all always here for the holidays. It's not so much the fact that I won't be here, just the fact that I'm not acknowledging the holiday or whatever.
So... yesterday I went out and bought some things to make some little gift baskets I can leave at my Aunt Jen's for the relatives that are coming over - one for her and Ber and my cousins, one for my aunt, one for my aunt and uncle that live here but I never see, and one for Amanda and my dad. I feel better about not being here now. It was quite a bit of running around though - went to like five different stores. And it was disgusting and raining yesterday and all the stores were horribly crowded. I did actually accomplish my goal, though, so I won't complain.
I once asked my boyfriend if he has any more family - I mean, he lives with his dad. Then there's his brother in China. His mom lives in New York. Is there anyone else? I mean, I know my family is pretty big, so I guess maybe everyone doesn't have as many relatives around as I do. But he said not really - his dad does not know his parents or if he has siblings, so no, he doesn't have any more family here. His mom has parents that she doesn't see, he said. He's spoken to his grandmother on the phone, and she used to send him money on his birthday but sent the money to his mother and it never actually got to him, and he met his grandparents only a few times when he was very little. If he has cousins and aunts and uncles, he doesn't know them and they quite possibly might not know who he is or that he exists.
But he is not excused from Christmas either. When he agreed to go to Disney over the holiday he said his mom might be upset that she doesn't get to see him and that we've got to go see her before we go, or after we get back, or even both. So we're going to New York this week (I'm working over the weekend, of course) and his mom is kind of irritated that we're going to disturb her routine, it seems. His phone conversation with her kind of disturbed me, actually. He was like, mom, I'm sorry, I'm going away on Christmas, so you're going to have to make time for me another day if you want to see me at all, I know it's inconvenient but it's up to you, we don't have to come.
And I was just like 0.o
I don't get it. I hold a grudge against his mother. Yes, I really, really do. Not because she made that "she's very sweet but..." comment about me. I really don't care about that. Just for... everything. Everything he tells me about her and everything he tells me about his life growing up just leaves me horrified and righteously indignant on his behalf. Most of it doesn't seem to phase him. But it fucking phases me. This is not really a woman I want to go visit with. But if I don't go... well, one, I have to go. How can I not? Bevan's assuming I'm coming. That means he wants me to, obviously, and I'm not going to be like, no, I don't like your mom, I'm not coming with you. And besides, if I don't go - while I'm not there, she'll say bad things about me and make comments about how it's not working out between us.
Or perhaps... I'm projecting a little bit here. Actually, my reactions to his mother kind of disturb me with their intensity. He's so chill about everything - where do I get off getting so enraged? She's his mother. And she has nothing to do with mine.
I did, eventually, spill to my boyfriend about lying to the therapist. I was quite upset - very, very upset, and he... honestly, I could not ever get him to understand what a big deal it was. I guess he is of the mindset that I've never lied to him, so it's not a big deal.
Actually, in the spirit of full disclosure, I told him I did lie to him, and my dad is not really a spy.
And he kind of looked at me and was like, one, I know your dad does not actually work for the CIA or anything. But just so you know - Ryan also tells people that his Uncle Joey is a spy. I always assumed you both meant he does something shady and not to ask about it.
And I was just like, oh.
So, when we agreed to meet Jason and Minh in Disney World over Christmas, instead of them ever actually coming here, the big question was, if we leave for Christmas, is anyone going to miss us? I, immediately, said no. No one will miss me.
Um. Yeah right. Who isn't going to miss me? Well, I'd say my dad, except for he's going to be here for Christmas cause, you know, this is his home. My dad, Amanda, their two kids (did I mention they're having another one? Another one?) - they'll all be here. And he is going to miss me. My cousins are all coming home - Ryan, Justin, and Marla are all coming down together and will be gone by the time I get back. They'll miss me. That doesn't mean I actually want to be here. I don't. But I did all of a sudden realize that I might be hurting my family members for disappearing over Christmas. I mean, my cousins are not all always here for the holidays. It's not so much the fact that I won't be here, just the fact that I'm not acknowledging the holiday or whatever.
So... yesterday I went out and bought some things to make some little gift baskets I can leave at my Aunt Jen's for the relatives that are coming over - one for her and Ber and my cousins, one for my aunt, one for my aunt and uncle that live here but I never see, and one for Amanda and my dad. I feel better about not being here now. It was quite a bit of running around though - went to like five different stores. And it was disgusting and raining yesterday and all the stores were horribly crowded. I did actually accomplish my goal, though, so I won't complain.
I once asked my boyfriend if he has any more family - I mean, he lives with his dad. Then there's his brother in China. His mom lives in New York. Is there anyone else? I mean, I know my family is pretty big, so I guess maybe everyone doesn't have as many relatives around as I do. But he said not really - his dad does not know his parents or if he has siblings, so no, he doesn't have any more family here. His mom has parents that she doesn't see, he said. He's spoken to his grandmother on the phone, and she used to send him money on his birthday but sent the money to his mother and it never actually got to him, and he met his grandparents only a few times when he was very little. If he has cousins and aunts and uncles, he doesn't know them and they quite possibly might not know who he is or that he exists.
But he is not excused from Christmas either. When he agreed to go to Disney over the holiday he said his mom might be upset that she doesn't get to see him and that we've got to go see her before we go, or after we get back, or even both. So we're going to New York this week (I'm working over the weekend, of course) and his mom is kind of irritated that we're going to disturb her routine, it seems. His phone conversation with her kind of disturbed me, actually. He was like, mom, I'm sorry, I'm going away on Christmas, so you're going to have to make time for me another day if you want to see me at all, I know it's inconvenient but it's up to you, we don't have to come.
And I was just like 0.o
I don't get it. I hold a grudge against his mother. Yes, I really, really do. Not because she made that "she's very sweet but..." comment about me. I really don't care about that. Just for... everything. Everything he tells me about her and everything he tells me about his life growing up just leaves me horrified and righteously indignant on his behalf. Most of it doesn't seem to phase him. But it fucking phases me. This is not really a woman I want to go visit with. But if I don't go... well, one, I have to go. How can I not? Bevan's assuming I'm coming. That means he wants me to, obviously, and I'm not going to be like, no, I don't like your mom, I'm not coming with you. And besides, if I don't go - while I'm not there, she'll say bad things about me and make comments about how it's not working out between us.
Or perhaps... I'm projecting a little bit here. Actually, my reactions to his mother kind of disturb me with their intensity. He's so chill about everything - where do I get off getting so enraged? She's his mother. And she has nothing to do with mine.
