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Mar. 16th, 2011 10:46 pmI once had a friend who told me she couldn't be around me until I took some time to "work on myself."
Actually this one other time I had a friend who said to me "I'm really hurt that you stopped communicating with me, but now that I know what you were going through, I understand that you really needed to take the time away to work on yourself."
Today I found myself in the very bizarre position of giving advice to an acquaintance who was having a spat with her partner. He told her she had to "work on herself."
When she told me that I just exploded. "You don't need to work on yourself," I raged. "Don't try to change who you are, you can't, you're you and trying to change your basic characteristics will just make you miserable. If you need to work on yourself, work on making yourself feel better. If you have a highly stressful life then cut out whatever you're able to to make yourself feel better. Don't let anyone tell you you have to just try harder because other people can do all of this without a problem. You're not other people. Change what you can, and change what you need to to make yourself feel better. If you feel like you need some paxil or something, take it to make yourself feel soothed, so that you can start enjoying things again, not so that someone else can tolerate being around you. If you're having a hard time, someone who cares about you should be giving you only compassion, NOT an ultimatum to 'work on yourself.'"
After I wound down a little, she thanked me profusely for what I said, told me she'd talk to her partner, and told me I was "really good at this" and I should be a professional counsellor or something.
Embarrassed at having made such a scene, I just kind of mumbled, "no I'm not. I always bring my own shit into everything."
"Oh but you didn't, not at all," she gushed.
Of course I did. And then (and you know how this ends) I went home and cried.
That time I took to supposedly "work on myself?" I wasn't working on myself. I was more or less dead. When I think back to that time, it's like looking into a great black void of nothing. I really could have used a friend right then. Or two friends, even. Instead it was like everywhere I turned I was told "you're not worth caring about, you do nothing for me, go work on being a real person and come back when you are."
And now I have people wanting to look me up, wanting to spend time together and "catch up," and all I can muster is a great big "fuck you" for all of them. Don't anyone tell me that it was all for the best, and I went through what I needed to in order to change. You know how I changed? I learned to be selfish. I learned not to trust people. Now I don't like people touching me and I don't want anyone touching my stuff. I don't like people asking questions and I don't like sharing anything. I don't want anyone knowing my real self, my real life - just a few token things, like, oh Lara plays guitar. She likes sci fi. She lives in Philly.
I look to other people purely for entertainment. Are they interesting? Are they fun? Ok. We can spend some limited amount of time together. Because it will be fun. And that's all I want. Cause that's all I can take.
Actually this one other time I had a friend who said to me "I'm really hurt that you stopped communicating with me, but now that I know what you were going through, I understand that you really needed to take the time away to work on yourself."
Today I found myself in the very bizarre position of giving advice to an acquaintance who was having a spat with her partner. He told her she had to "work on herself."
When she told me that I just exploded. "You don't need to work on yourself," I raged. "Don't try to change who you are, you can't, you're you and trying to change your basic characteristics will just make you miserable. If you need to work on yourself, work on making yourself feel better. If you have a highly stressful life then cut out whatever you're able to to make yourself feel better. Don't let anyone tell you you have to just try harder because other people can do all of this without a problem. You're not other people. Change what you can, and change what you need to to make yourself feel better. If you feel like you need some paxil or something, take it to make yourself feel soothed, so that you can start enjoying things again, not so that someone else can tolerate being around you. If you're having a hard time, someone who cares about you should be giving you only compassion, NOT an ultimatum to 'work on yourself.'"
After I wound down a little, she thanked me profusely for what I said, told me she'd talk to her partner, and told me I was "really good at this" and I should be a professional counsellor or something.
Embarrassed at having made such a scene, I just kind of mumbled, "no I'm not. I always bring my own shit into everything."
"Oh but you didn't, not at all," she gushed.
Of course I did. And then (and you know how this ends) I went home and cried.
That time I took to supposedly "work on myself?" I wasn't working on myself. I was more or less dead. When I think back to that time, it's like looking into a great black void of nothing. I really could have used a friend right then. Or two friends, even. Instead it was like everywhere I turned I was told "you're not worth caring about, you do nothing for me, go work on being a real person and come back when you are."
And now I have people wanting to look me up, wanting to spend time together and "catch up," and all I can muster is a great big "fuck you" for all of them. Don't anyone tell me that it was all for the best, and I went through what I needed to in order to change. You know how I changed? I learned to be selfish. I learned not to trust people. Now I don't like people touching me and I don't want anyone touching my stuff. I don't like people asking questions and I don't like sharing anything. I don't want anyone knowing my real self, my real life - just a few token things, like, oh Lara plays guitar. She likes sci fi. She lives in Philly.
I look to other people purely for entertainment. Are they interesting? Are they fun? Ok. We can spend some limited amount of time together. Because it will be fun. And that's all I want. Cause that's all I can take.
