Back To The Visit With Krissy
Jun. 11th, 2008 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationSo today Erica picked me up after work and we came back here and did a couple things around the house - we went upstairs - yes, Erica finally got to see my upstairs, finally, which I have been waiting to show here because, seriously, I will never forget how disgusted she was the first time she saw where I lived. And hey, how I live now is, well, it's pretty much worse.
My house feels like... well, not that I'm a dude or anything... I'm a girl, I understand I am a girl and I have girlie parts, and just because I like other girls does not make me any less of a girl myself, but... the guy John who sometimes does odd jobs for me said it first: my house is a bachelor pad, lol. None of my dishes match - in fact, all of my dishes have come either from flea markets or restaurants. Not only that, but usually, I just drink out of paper cups and stuff that I bring back from Wawa or something. I hardly keep any food here, and there are no sheets on my bed.
Bachelor pad :P
Anyway. Now Erica thinks I have like a duel personality or something, after seeing the upstairs. We cleaned a little up there, ran the vacuum, washed the sheets and towels and tossed whatever was in the fridge, made the beds and dusted and checked the lightbulbs and whatnot, and tomorrow afternoon sometime the weekend people are arriving. I told her she could sleep in the yellow room tonight if she really wanted to, because she's totally in love with it. Personally, I like the blue and white room the best.
Also she helped me get my bed totally situated and put the sheets on it and everything - and by "helped" I mean she took everything I was letting pile up on the bed and put it... on the floor in the corner... lol. Who knows, maybe I'll actually sleep there some night. But really, I kinda like sleeping next to the hum of the computers. Go figure.
Erica says she loves me because I've sworn off relationships, and we can be "so not interested" together. That makes a bit of sense, really. When she over-dramatically states that she doesn't have any friends here anymore I think what she's really getting at is that her friends either have boyfriends or girlfriends or are actively pursuing finding someone. I am so not looking for anyone.
Any assumptions people are making about me and Erica are totally false. Any rumors going around are totally false. She's slept over here a few times, due to me insisting she was hammered and shouldn't drive home, and we slept in different rooms. I've slept at her place before, too, also due to me insisting she was hammered and shouldn't drive me home. We slept in different rooms there too.
I am The Lose at relationships.
All this time I was thinking in the back of my head that not putting Krissy first in my life was a huge mistake. One I was prepared to deal with, yes, but a huge mistake none the less. I mean, she basically broke up with me because I moved out of her place and into this house, so I could be here to really concentrate on making this an income property, so I could have, you know, an income of my own. That put about an hour and fifteen minutes between us. Then I lost my driver's license and that was the real clincher. That made it a three hour trip for her each way if she wanted me to come to Philly, and a three hour total trip to see me here, in a house that was barely livable on an island where alcohol is illegal to buy and sell. Yeah.
But she said something to me just recently that really, really upset me.
She said she missed me.
I don't mean she missed me while I've been here and she's been, oh, continuing on with her life in Philly, although maybe she did. She missed me when I was right there in front of her.
In other words, she said I didn't seem like myself, and she didn't like it.
And I just... don't even know what to say to that.
I have been taking a different anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. I started taking them (this time) about a year and a half ago, and kind of screwed around with them half-assedly, and maybe... a little less than a year ago started taking them both regularly, and fairly recently I felt like I was actually noticing a difference. I don't know that I've felt happier, per se, but I've been much more motivated and I've felt a whole lot less like the world has fallen apart around me.
It kind of disturbed me a bit to think that these drugs might actually be altering my personality, and I actually brought this up to Matt last time I saw him, and he assured me that I was still very much myself. Being that I've known Matt almost half my life, I figured he would be able to tell if I was slowly turning into someone else.
And what does this say about Krissy, then, that she liked me better destructive and unstable? Wtf. I always thought those were the things that made being around me eventually intolerable. I know I get depressed. I've struggled with depression pretty much my whole life, and I've seen how it can wear away at people who are close to me. Except her? She wanted me around issues and all? So it was a mistake after all, and I've totally fucked things up with the one person who could take me as I am?
That or, she thrived on whatever sense of superiority being with me gave her. That's really the thought that's got me so disturbed.
I never should have gone to see her. Cause now my either screwing this up or having been screwed with all along is what I keep fixating on.
I don't have work tomorrow - seems like Thursday has been my day off from both jobs recently. I'm going to visit another friend of mine in Philly who just recently got out of the hospital. I've talked to him a few times but have yet to see him in person since he's gotten home. We used to live in the same neighborhood, you know, when I lived in Philly. He was never, like, my bestest friend ever, but when I heard about him getting hurt I was pretty worried about him and I'd really like to see him in person now that he's home. And we'll just see what kind of emotional wreck that turns me into. Whatever, that's what this journal is here for, I guess.
Me and Erica were going to go to this trivia bar all the way down in Cape May but I bailed and my bailing was contagious and she bailed too. She's playing Portal on my other computer right now :P
I still have a bunch of stuff to say about work, too. One big huge rant about a co-worker, and one bummer of an introspection about the job in general are two things that have been stewing around in my head for a while.
Not tonight, though. Not tonight.
My house feels like... well, not that I'm a dude or anything... I'm a girl, I understand I am a girl and I have girlie parts, and just because I like other girls does not make me any less of a girl myself, but... the guy John who sometimes does odd jobs for me said it first: my house is a bachelor pad, lol. None of my dishes match - in fact, all of my dishes have come either from flea markets or restaurants. Not only that, but usually, I just drink out of paper cups and stuff that I bring back from Wawa or something. I hardly keep any food here, and there are no sheets on my bed.
Bachelor pad :P
Anyway. Now Erica thinks I have like a duel personality or something, after seeing the upstairs. We cleaned a little up there, ran the vacuum, washed the sheets and towels and tossed whatever was in the fridge, made the beds and dusted and checked the lightbulbs and whatnot, and tomorrow afternoon sometime the weekend people are arriving. I told her she could sleep in the yellow room tonight if she really wanted to, because she's totally in love with it. Personally, I like the blue and white room the best.
Also she helped me get my bed totally situated and put the sheets on it and everything - and by "helped" I mean she took everything I was letting pile up on the bed and put it... on the floor in the corner... lol. Who knows, maybe I'll actually sleep there some night. But really, I kinda like sleeping next to the hum of the computers. Go figure.
Erica says she loves me because I've sworn off relationships, and we can be "so not interested" together. That makes a bit of sense, really. When she over-dramatically states that she doesn't have any friends here anymore I think what she's really getting at is that her friends either have boyfriends or girlfriends or are actively pursuing finding someone. I am so not looking for anyone.
Any assumptions people are making about me and Erica are totally false. Any rumors going around are totally false. She's slept over here a few times, due to me insisting she was hammered and shouldn't drive home, and we slept in different rooms. I've slept at her place before, too, also due to me insisting she was hammered and shouldn't drive me home. We slept in different rooms there too.
I am The Lose at relationships.
Half-CockedRandom Brutal Sex Dreamer (RBSD) Fiery. Hungry. Blatant. Sexual. Christ. You are Half-Cocked. There's a lot of wild lust inside you, banging around, that much is obvious. There's also a lot of untamed emotion. When either escapes, look out. One minute you're completely together, the next you're a howling gale of hormones and opinions. Outside relationships, your intense, mercurial personality makes you a charmer. You can be fiercely devoted, and it's likely that many of your friends will be friends-for-life. Of course, your enemies are likewise certain and zealous, especially your exes and their therapists. You will find the right person. In the short term, she's someone virile who won't sweat your imperfections. In the long term, she will be someone mature and caring who will grow to love them. Your exact female opposite: The Maid of Honor  Deliberate Gentle Love Master Always avoid: The Sonnet (DGLD) Consider: The Playstation (RGSM), The Nymph (DBSD) |
| Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - singles | Dating |
All this time I was thinking in the back of my head that not putting Krissy first in my life was a huge mistake. One I was prepared to deal with, yes, but a huge mistake none the less. I mean, she basically broke up with me because I moved out of her place and into this house, so I could be here to really concentrate on making this an income property, so I could have, you know, an income of my own. That put about an hour and fifteen minutes between us. Then I lost my driver's license and that was the real clincher. That made it a three hour trip for her each way if she wanted me to come to Philly, and a three hour total trip to see me here, in a house that was barely livable on an island where alcohol is illegal to buy and sell. Yeah.
But she said something to me just recently that really, really upset me.
She said she missed me.
I don't mean she missed me while I've been here and she's been, oh, continuing on with her life in Philly, although maybe she did. She missed me when I was right there in front of her.
In other words, she said I didn't seem like myself, and she didn't like it.
And I just... don't even know what to say to that.
I have been taking a different anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. I started taking them (this time) about a year and a half ago, and kind of screwed around with them half-assedly, and maybe... a little less than a year ago started taking them both regularly, and fairly recently I felt like I was actually noticing a difference. I don't know that I've felt happier, per se, but I've been much more motivated and I've felt a whole lot less like the world has fallen apart around me.
It kind of disturbed me a bit to think that these drugs might actually be altering my personality, and I actually brought this up to Matt last time I saw him, and he assured me that I was still very much myself. Being that I've known Matt almost half my life, I figured he would be able to tell if I was slowly turning into someone else.
And what does this say about Krissy, then, that she liked me better destructive and unstable? Wtf. I always thought those were the things that made being around me eventually intolerable. I know I get depressed. I've struggled with depression pretty much my whole life, and I've seen how it can wear away at people who are close to me. Except her? She wanted me around issues and all? So it was a mistake after all, and I've totally fucked things up with the one person who could take me as I am?
That or, she thrived on whatever sense of superiority being with me gave her. That's really the thought that's got me so disturbed.
I never should have gone to see her. Cause now my either screwing this up or having been screwed with all along is what I keep fixating on.
I don't have work tomorrow - seems like Thursday has been my day off from both jobs recently. I'm going to visit another friend of mine in Philly who just recently got out of the hospital. I've talked to him a few times but have yet to see him in person since he's gotten home. We used to live in the same neighborhood, you know, when I lived in Philly. He was never, like, my bestest friend ever, but when I heard about him getting hurt I was pretty worried about him and I'd really like to see him in person now that he's home. And we'll just see what kind of emotional wreck that turns me into. Whatever, that's what this journal is here for, I guess.
Me and Erica were going to go to this trivia bar all the way down in Cape May but I bailed and my bailing was contagious and she bailed too. She's playing Portal on my other computer right now :P
I still have a bunch of stuff to say about work, too. One big huge rant about a co-worker, and one bummer of an introspection about the job in general are two things that have been stewing around in my head for a while.
Not tonight, though. Not tonight.
