One Week Out
Dec. 13th, 2006 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationI've had one of these things before, an internet journal, on diaryland. I didn't do so well with it, tho. One, I was too lazy to capitalize anything. Two, the site often didn't work and I was too impatient to wait. Mostly, tho, it's three, which would be that all I wrote about was how I was continually fucking up my life.
I'ma try real hard not to do that anymore.
I've been out of the hospital for exactly one week today. I feel... okay. I've been holing up here in the house for the first few days I was back, because I've been surrounded by people prying into my every action for so long (it wasn't that long, but it was too long for me) that I just wanted to be alone for a bit. But yesterday I took the train to Philly and just walked around a bit. I was supposed to be looking for a job, but I didn't look very hard. I was just enjoying being... out. It was okay.
And today I am also... okay.
I stopped in a coffee shop and ran into a girl I went to school with who has basically guaranteed me a job. I was hoping something like that would happen. I really didn't want to go apply for jobs at like the mall or anything. Most of the jobs I've ever had I've gotten because I have a connection somewhere, like when I worked at the ceramic studio. And I loved that job. I even didn't mind working at the restaurant, that job wasn't bad either. Even working two jobs wasn't bad, it gave me less time to think.
Maybe I should start looking for a second job?
Julia is a girl I went to school with at Temple. She has graduated now and works in a print gallery. The owner is moving away, and Julia has been the manager for about a year now and she has needed to hire another employee for a while but has been hesitant cause it will be someone she has to work with every single day and she wants to make sure its someone she will get along with. I should really have told her that I am not all that easy to get along with, but instead I told her that I've worked in a gallery before (which is true, I wasn't lying) and that I'm very reliable. She told me to come on in on Monday.
It won't be a bad commute from Camden. Hopefully I can find a place in like a month. I know I will need a security deposit so I guess I shouldn't start looking until I have a few paychecks. There are still people that I know in Philly, and I bet if I had told Julia I had no place to stay she would have said I could sleep on her couch, or found me a couch to sleep on. But I don't want to do that anymore.
There was a girl I met in the hospital who got there when I did and got out when I did. She asked me to room with her, you know, get a place together until we've got things more straightened out, but I did a good thing when I turned her down. She was all about turning her life around and living clean. She was really, super into that. I'd destroy her resolve. Either that or she'd steal my pills. Or both. I didn't want to put her in that situation. If she was really an addict or a junkie or whatever you want to call it, and if she's that obsessed with going straight now, well, she can't live with me. I couldn't do that to her.
So I'll just stay here in Camden until I can move myself. I'm not going to float around the great area of Philadelphia looking for a couch. I'm almost twenty three years old; that was cool when I was eighteen but it's gotten mighty old by now. No fairy godmother is going to come with her wand and tap me on the head and fix my life up, I've got to start dealing with what I've got and going from there.
I had a nice time in the city. I had a nice time having coffee with Julia. I didn't breathe a word to her about being in the hospital, for all she knew I've just been in Camden for a while. I didn't want her to think I would flake out on her if she hired me, and I don't know. If I managed a print gallery, well, I don't know if I'd want to hire a "recovering drug addict." And I don't know how else she would see me if I told her where I've been. Actually she talked to me quite a bit about how she thinks she wants to marry her boyfriend. Geez. Everyone is growing up now!
Most of my friends are a few years older than me. That really helps me in getting jobs (this isn't the first job thats just fallen into my lap) but it makes me feel like I'm incredibly immature. And maybe I am.
I went around to some other galleries, but it wasn't really the galleries that interested me. It was a nice day. It wasn't beautiful weather or anything, actually it was kinda grey, but it wasn't cold or windy. It felt a lot like fall, even though it's winter now. And I felt very, very alone walking around, but somehow I felt like that was okay, cause people could see me.
I'm going to keep up with this journal. I'm going to keep up with this journal, and not just write in it when something goes wrong or when I'm upset about something. Things are okay right now, and I want to be able to go back in this journal and figure out exacty how I'm screwing things up. Because I can't help but feel like this can't last. It really can't last.
また春に会いましょう
I'ma try real hard not to do that anymore.
I've been out of the hospital for exactly one week today. I feel... okay. I've been holing up here in the house for the first few days I was back, because I've been surrounded by people prying into my every action for so long (it wasn't that long, but it was too long for me) that I just wanted to be alone for a bit. But yesterday I took the train to Philly and just walked around a bit. I was supposed to be looking for a job, but I didn't look very hard. I was just enjoying being... out. It was okay.
And today I am also... okay.
I stopped in a coffee shop and ran into a girl I went to school with who has basically guaranteed me a job. I was hoping something like that would happen. I really didn't want to go apply for jobs at like the mall or anything. Most of the jobs I've ever had I've gotten because I have a connection somewhere, like when I worked at the ceramic studio. And I loved that job. I even didn't mind working at the restaurant, that job wasn't bad either. Even working two jobs wasn't bad, it gave me less time to think.
Maybe I should start looking for a second job?
Julia is a girl I went to school with at Temple. She has graduated now and works in a print gallery. The owner is moving away, and Julia has been the manager for about a year now and she has needed to hire another employee for a while but has been hesitant cause it will be someone she has to work with every single day and she wants to make sure its someone she will get along with. I should really have told her that I am not all that easy to get along with, but instead I told her that I've worked in a gallery before (which is true, I wasn't lying) and that I'm very reliable. She told me to come on in on Monday.
It won't be a bad commute from Camden. Hopefully I can find a place in like a month. I know I will need a security deposit so I guess I shouldn't start looking until I have a few paychecks. There are still people that I know in Philly, and I bet if I had told Julia I had no place to stay she would have said I could sleep on her couch, or found me a couch to sleep on. But I don't want to do that anymore.
There was a girl I met in the hospital who got there when I did and got out when I did. She asked me to room with her, you know, get a place together until we've got things more straightened out, but I did a good thing when I turned her down. She was all about turning her life around and living clean. She was really, super into that. I'd destroy her resolve. Either that or she'd steal my pills. Or both. I didn't want to put her in that situation. If she was really an addict or a junkie or whatever you want to call it, and if she's that obsessed with going straight now, well, she can't live with me. I couldn't do that to her.
So I'll just stay here in Camden until I can move myself. I'm not going to float around the great area of Philadelphia looking for a couch. I'm almost twenty three years old; that was cool when I was eighteen but it's gotten mighty old by now. No fairy godmother is going to come with her wand and tap me on the head and fix my life up, I've got to start dealing with what I've got and going from there.
I had a nice time in the city. I had a nice time having coffee with Julia. I didn't breathe a word to her about being in the hospital, for all she knew I've just been in Camden for a while. I didn't want her to think I would flake out on her if she hired me, and I don't know. If I managed a print gallery, well, I don't know if I'd want to hire a "recovering drug addict." And I don't know how else she would see me if I told her where I've been. Actually she talked to me quite a bit about how she thinks she wants to marry her boyfriend. Geez. Everyone is growing up now!
Most of my friends are a few years older than me. That really helps me in getting jobs (this isn't the first job thats just fallen into my lap) but it makes me feel like I'm incredibly immature. And maybe I am.
I went around to some other galleries, but it wasn't really the galleries that interested me. It was a nice day. It wasn't beautiful weather or anything, actually it was kinda grey, but it wasn't cold or windy. It felt a lot like fall, even though it's winter now. And I felt very, very alone walking around, but somehow I felt like that was okay, cause people could see me.
I'm going to keep up with this journal. I'm going to keep up with this journal, and not just write in it when something goes wrong or when I'm upset about something. Things are okay right now, and I want to be able to go back in this journal and figure out exacty how I'm screwing things up. Because I can't help but feel like this can't last. It really can't last.
また春に会いましょう
