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I had this weird moment today where I wondered if this is all real and where it all came from and when it's all going to end.

Day after Christmas I worked. Day after that I worked too. All day and all night, both jobs. Yay me. Saturday night I stayed up drinking with my cousins out in their yard with a fire going ant all, and then Sunday we went to the diner for breakfast, and then B was back from NY and informed me we were going on a "South Jersey" date and presented me with a list of possible activities and said we could do as many as I wanted as long as we were done by four (football game, you see). We went to the wildlife preserve and took some pictures with his digital camera - it was a gorgeous warm day but it was kind of overcast to start out, which made for good pictures. I wasn't convinced that hanging around out on the little bridges they build over the marshes was that great of an idea, but it was kinda cool. Very quiet and it was a perfect day for it. Then we went to the park - the first time we went to the park because I said I wanted to see the castle, and I remember totally freaking him out by climbing the geodesic-dome-jungle-gym-thing. I can climb certain things, like dome-shaped jungle gyms and step ladders, and it always freaks out anyone who watches - and we sat on the jungle gym and swang on the swings a little. Then we raced go-carts at the go-cart track - I can drive a go-cart too but can't really control the speed. So... I got to be reckless as hell, and that was a blast. To the mini-golf suggestion I said maybe another time. To the batting cage suggestion I said no way, I've got no confidence whatsoever in my bat-swinging talents. I did agree to ski-ball at the arcade, and made the obligatory Kevin Smith film comment.

I still don't think New Jersey is a fun place to be, but we had a good time. At four, of course, was the football game, which I tried to bail out on, because I don't follow football, but B convinced me to stay, and so I saw a very pathetic game of football where the Eagles (who, I guess technically are my team) uncharacteristically didn't suck, and the Cowboys sucked really bad. Monday night after work we went to karaoke with Ryan and a bunch of other people, and I rocked out to Madonna, and you know what? I didn't notice my life was so much fun!

I think it's all because my cousins are here. When they leave again things will go back to normal. But for now, I'm taking full advantage of this!
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I had a fabulous Christmas. I really did.

I don't hate Christmas for the same reasons as the girls in my story - Kat hates Christmas because she isn't Christian and doesn't like Christianity, and finds Christmas hypocritical and fake, and Anna hates Christmas because she was raised Christian but her family has all passed away and she's drifted far away from her religion, and it depresses her to remember.

I hate how everyone expects things to somehow be different, just for that one day, how people who are horrible are finally civil to each other and it's such a nice illusion, but that's all it turns out to be. I hate the stress of knowing that the holiday is coming and that it has to be wonderful, because it's Christmas and Christmas has to be just so. I hate how it's turned into an entire retail season and people everywhere spend more than they should because they feel like they have to.

I did spend several years not celebrating, either because I was alone, or because I simply chose not to. I lived with my best friend for years, and refused to go home for Christmas because, all my adult life, I've always clashed with my parents, and my house was never a happy place during the holidays. My best friend, Daniel, is Jewish, and has never celebrated Christmas in his life, and we would have the most wonderful relaxed days of ordering Chinese food and watching anime and getting drunk. I've also spent a few Christmases "bouncing," like when I was out of the country I spent one Christmas in Florence between two different families, and it was really lovely.

Last year I was all by myself and did nothing. This year was a "bounce" year.

And so I bounced. )

So... yep. That was my Christmas. It was pretty fabulous. I have no complaints whatsoever. Well, except that my Doctor Who hasn't downloaded yet. STILL!
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This is my "good things only" contribution for today. Love that painting and love that artist.

This is what's really been going on. )

EDIT Ok fine, so that picture is no longer there... read about and view JMW Turner's work here and tell me how strangely compelling his work is...
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My hair is starting to fade - which is good because that means I get to dye it again! (No, seriously, I do like changing my hair and all, but sometimes all the chemicals required kind of freak me out.)

I can count on one hand the number of customers who were in a good mood today - which is good because I did not allow this fact to effect MY mood, so that's more points for me.

I'm not buying anyone a Christmas present. I told the fam I would bake zucchini gumdrop muffins, and my aunt assured me that this would be a hit with my vegetarian cousins. I don't know, last I checked gumdrops had animal products in them, but, whatever.

There are people I'd consider getting a little something for, but I've decided on a "no presents" across the board policy. No one has any extra money. Me included. There's no sense piling on the debt even more than I already have, especially if it just makes other people feel bad since they didn't get anything for me. This is good because Christmas shopping is not on my list of things I enjoy. Crowds and I don't mix well.

It's still very cold outside but not cold enough for everything to stay frozen. And... I discovered that when B wears like a knit hat, it messes up his plastered-down hair, because when he put his hat on and then took it off again, his hair was all messy and cute looking. Pretty much the only time I've seen his hair like that is, well... in bed... so... it just now occurred to me that perhaps he puts all that junk in his hair because without it he looks like a little boy! I made this observation out loud. I don't think it was very appreciated... oops.

I was a little bit a bitch to B without really meaning to be. I asked him what he was doing for Christmas, and I added "playing football?" He said no, of course not, so my next sentence was "hanging out with Jory?" I didn't mean it to come out so bitchy, and he was like, wait, are you still mad at me about that?

The thing is, though, that I wasn't mad at him for spending time with her. I was mad that he kind of lied to me about what he was doing when I asked him. And I seem to recall Jory getting mad about something very similar - he went to a strip club and woudln't answer his phone all night. She wasn't mad he went to the club, she was just mad that he wouldn't give her a straight answer when she asked where he was. So... I don't know where the good in that is, so maybe it doesn't belong in this entry.

Well, it kind of ties in to the fact that I have not been to a strip club in a while. So perhaps that phase has blown over for now. I feel like that's a good thing. Those places incinerate your money.
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Trying to clean up the house. Yes, I did pack a bunch of stuff up a little while back. No, I'm not actually moving all that soon - right now I'm aiming for end of January. But even with a bunch of stuff packed, well, somehow, I've made a mess again. I'm a pro at that: making messes, you see.

Trying to learn to play "Song For Ten" on the guitar. The guitar actually belongs to B - I guess I've kind of adopted it. I wish I really was ambidextrous - I say I am, I pretend I am, I try to be, I try to teach myself to be, but the reality of it is that of course I'm not. I read somewhere that ambidextrousness is actually a form of brain damage, or a neurological defect, or something, but if I were truly ambidextrous I would be able to play guitar backwards as well as I could have played it forwards without having to re-teach myself anything.

Trying to kick ass in the snow and ice, before it kicks mine. I'm good, but I'm not that good. Ice is treacherous! And to think, yesterday it was warm enough to go around with no coat on!

Trying to restrain myself from eating all the spice drops in one sitting... lol and failing... mmmmm...

Trying to ignore all the bad stuff and focus only on the good stuff - trying to deflect the BS as best I can - trying to get into the Christmas spirit, whatever the hell that is - trying to work up the nerve to make a phone call... yes, I know, I know, there's really nothing to it, but I just hate the phone SO MUCH...
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I was re-reading my entries from two years ago (don't do it, if you're tempted, you won't like me any more because I was a whiny little shit) and I realized how many issues I had then.

Personally, I just wanted to smack myself. I hate people like that, always talking about how they don't like themselves. I like myself just fine now. I don't know when that happened... maybe it's the medication talking? But I'm myself, how does one dislike oneself??

I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm very far from it. But I am who I am and that's that. If I can't deal with that, how can I expect anyone else to?

This is my great revelation. Not a resolution (and yes I am echoing a very old entry), because no one keeps those anyway and it's the wrong end of the year for that - I mean a REVELATION, which is much more permanent than a resolution, because once you know something, once you understand something, you can't very well un-know and un-understand it, can you?

I like myself just fine. That's my grand revelation. How about that one?

And my end-of-year resolution is to post only good things until 2009. On New Year's Day 2009 I can post about whatever shit life can dish out, but until then, it's good things only.

Starting with:

Sun on a cold day and frost on the sand

White cranberry cosmopolitans with crushed ice and real cranberries

Playing "Happy Christmas" on the guitar

Car radio Christmas music and Starbuck's gingersnap lattes

Lit-up snowflakes and almost-full moons

Working in Atlantic City, which isn't really a city but is close enough

Someone to fall asleep next to.



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Lara I.

October 2012

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