Things They Teach In Twelve Step
May. 6th, 2008 06:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationSo I said something to someone the other day that's been kind of bothering me. They asked why on earth I have a criminal record, and I said something along the lines of, "well to make a long story short, drugs are bad, mkay?" (you know, South Park...)
And you know you meet a lot of people who say "drugs ruined my life" or "drugs ruined my relationship" or something like that. And these are all people who are "in recovery." And I always thought, well, doesn't that run counter to the whole twelve step thing? I mean, okay, yes, part of it is swearing off whatever substance it was you need to get over, as in, no, no moderation, just eliminate it entirely, but another part of it is taking responsibility. The drugs didn't force themselves on you. You chose to mess around with them, and you got burned. They didn't ruin your life, you ruined your life by messing with them.
And there I go sounding exactly like what I take such an argument with to begin with.
And of course I'm the one who sat in the back telling myself but it's different for me, for me it isn't like that, this doesn't count for me...
I know another girl at work who used to be really involved in drugs - cocaine and all the bad stuff like that. She's now incredibly medicated. I think she takes an antidepressant and a... tranquilizer, or something? And I've wondered before which came first, the chicken or the egg. Do people get into drugs because they've got some kind of underlying chemical problem, or do the drugs somehow permanently change them, you know, once you're hooked, you're just always gonna want them, you'll never be the same again, and without those drugs you need other, more acceptable, legal drugs to be able to survive in the world?
I don't know. But I know that I, personally, now take more medication than I ever have in my entire life.
The first thing they teach you in twelve step is to admit you have a problem.
And that's something I've actually agreed with. I've known for a long time I needed to get my life in order. I would make all these very sincere half-assed efforts, but nothing would really stick.
And you know, I've often thought back on things and thought, "of course I had a problem. I knew I had a problem from the very beginning. I knew those drugs were dangerous, and I fucked with them anyway, because I didn't see any other choice. Why didn't someone, some doctor, some friend, some, oh, I don't know, parent do something sooner? Why did it have to get so horribly bad before I could get any help? Why did it have to screw up my entire life first?" But at the same time, I know people tried to tell me all along that I had a problem, and I told them to fuck off. Repeatedly. Because I knew they were right, and I didn't see any other options. To me it was the lesser of two evils. And I still agree with that mindset. It really was. And besides that, it's the fact that I'd never been through a drug program before that pretty much saved my ass in the end. If I'd already had a record of being in and out and in and out of those things, well, things could have gone much differently.
So I don't know. I just know I came away from it all feeling completely betrayed, completely done dirty, and completely alone.
But that's a little more than I wanted to say on all that. I meant to start with the first step, admit you have a problem. I've always thought of it more like "identify the problem." You know, first figure out what needs to be fixed, instead of going around with the vague notion that I'm doing something that isn't working out. I like to think of it as "define and conquer."
Kind of like the Earthsea books, and the power of a name. If you can name something, you gain complete power over it.
So I was thinking today about how I had this girlfriend when I was sixteen. I was totally in love with her. She was totally in love with me. She's the only girl, and the only person I've ever thought I was in love with. I know, I fall for people really easily. I'm always after someone, usually it's someone I can't be with, not in a million years, and I thought that in admitting that I had defined the problem: I fall for people too quickly.
Now I'm thinking there's more to it than that.
Cause I was thinking back to what it was like with her. Not what she was like, specifically, or what our relationship was like. What was it like? She thought I was incredibly interesting, probably because she had heard all kinds of stories about me before she actually met me. She wanted to be edgy, I think, and I guess I fit the bill pretty well for that. I thought she was fucking amazing - after I got hurt I definitely wondered how anyone would ever look at me and think I was a peer, a person, one of the crowd, let alone someone who was attractive, and there she was. If she hadn't been a part of my life right then I think I would have a very, very different take on myself and relationships right now.
But what was it like to be in love with her? If I was actually in love - can teenagers fall in love, for real? I have reasons for doubting this, and I'm getting to them in a bit. I thought about her all the time. The first time I saw her, it was like something clicked in my brain, it was like my eyes fell on her and my brain said, there, that one. And from then on, some part of me was always focused on her. Before I even knew her name. I'd close my eyes and see her. Before I fell asleep, I'd think about her. When I woke up, I'd think about her. When she wasn't around, as I was going about my day-to-day stuff, I'd imagine I was talking to her and telling her about every little aspect of my day. Everything I did I did in relation, somehow, to her.
I thought I would always feel like that. I don't think I thought she and I would be together forever - I understood that at our age that wasn't really possible, or that it wasn't necessarily automatic, anyway. I figured things change, people change, and teenage romances don't last, but I never thought my feelings for her would change. And I was more or less right - our relationship didn't last, I was devastated when it didn't, but my feelings for her didn't change. Well, they did change. Sometimes I was furious with her - sometimes I worried about her, sometimes I thought her breaking up with me was an indication that there was something wrong with her (I know, delusional, me) sometimes I thought she had turned into a different person or something because I couldn't believe that she would say or do the things she said and did.
And it kept right on - I thought about her all the time. When I went to sleep. When I woke up. If I saw her, our eyes just locked. It was automatic. Even if we weren't speaking to each other, even if we professed to hate each other, there was still something in the air between us. We both felt it. She later admitted it. At one point we talked about getting back together, because she said she never stopped feeling it either.
But we didn't, and life went on, and I went on thinking about her, and every relationship I tried (oh, haha, yeah right. The one relationship I tried...) I always compared to her. Yes, at nineteen, I was comparing my relationship to one I was in at sixteen. At the time, it made perfect sense. I even talked about her to my new girlfriend. I hear you're not supposed to do that, but whatever.
And now? Now I'm pretty indifferent to her, I'd say. All that passion that was so overwhelming - gone. Not a trace. Is that just because I'm not a teenager, so I'll never feel like that again for anyone?
Because after her there were two more girlfriends - Whinnie, and Krissy. Whinnie, Whinnie I let myself get pretty obsessed with. But it wasn't the same thing. And Krissy? I never had that "locking eyes at first sight" thing with her.
I loved her. We loved each other. I still love her now, I'm sure. I bet she even still loves me. The relationship just wasn't working... but I didn't think about her every minute of every day. All my decisions and actions didn't revolve around her. (And that may have been the downfall of our relationship, or so I'm told) But those really intense feelings I had for my first girlfriend were not part of it.
I feel like somewhere along the line I started putting this wall up, not letting myself feel too much for anyone, because like the first relationship, I knew it wouldn't last, but unlike the first relationship, I also knew how much that would hurt.
And it hurt anyway - Whinnie really hurt me. She really, really did. Sometimes I say I'm too proud of a person, sometimes I say I have no pride, I don't know, I can't make up my mind on that, but in this instance, well, I'm normally too proud to admit just how hurt I was over Whinnie. And I didn't feel for her what I felt for that first girlfriend.
And Krissy? Well, one of the reasons I felt like Krissy was such a great match for me was that she's just not a very emotional person to begin with. And I consider that a good thing - less emotions, easier to understand, I guess. I felt like getting involved with her wouldn't mean getting dragged into a huge emotional mess, either, and for the most part, that was true. She wasn't very romantic, either - we would go on dates, and stuff, but it's kind of like all the sweet little things that made it romantic weren't there, because she didn't do that kind of thing to begin with. Or I was the one doing the sweet little romantic things, because I'm more comfortable that way anyway - I call it "playing the guy." I know that's not a very lesbian-ish thing to say, and I've gotten shit for it in the past, believe me, but whatever. I guess I'm not a very lesbian-ish lesbian to begin with.
But one thing I noticed - my first girlfriend, she talked about the future a lot. She talked as if it was going to be forever with us. I would just sort of brush it off, because I knew that wasn't going to happen, but she still talked as if it would. Whinnie doesn't even enter in to this, because that relationship was messed up anyway, but Krissy? Krissy didn't talk about the future. I mean, she talked about her future, medical school and all that, but not our future. And I thought that was great, because if she didn't bring it up, then I didn't have to bring it up either! It was perfect! It went along with everything I liked about her, blunt, honest, live for the moment kind of girl (and, besides that, unlike Whinnie, she was a real lesbian, too, so it wasn't like she was stringing me along so she could tell the boys she was bi and they would think that was hot...) but you know what? If we had talked just a bit about the future, I would have been a lot less likely to just run off to this house to try to carve out some stability for myself, ALONE. I do a lot of running off. I run off like you wouldn't believe. That's just what I do. I even ran half way across the world.
But that, in the end, was the undoing of our relationship - I was here, she was still in Philly, and the distance thing just wasn't working. But I came here because I wanted a future for myself. Just living with her, in her apartment, relying on her after I swore I wouldn't rely on anyone else, ever again, just made me so nervous, I didn't see that I had any other choice, really. I guess from her point of view, I ran out on her, maybe. But had we discussed OUR future, together, I wouldn't have felt so pressed to do that in the first place.
So really, one of the things that made me most at ease with her was also the source of our undoing, in the end. Go figure.
So, what does this have anything to do with twelve step anyway?
Oh, it's the whole "define and conquer" mentality I learned to favor so much.
Bevan called me and asked me if I wanted to go see Iron Man with him since we both missed out on it the other night. Of course I said yes. We spent the afternoon at his house playing Rock Band and Mario Kart (he played guitar, I played bass, which is easier - that game is freakin' hard, and the blue button completely eludes me, no matter which way I hold the guitar, but Mario Kart is the shit) and we got sandwiches from Wawa to eat in the theatre (ghetto, I know...) and then he brought me back home and we grabbed some beer and sat on the beach for a while until I started to freeze. It was really nice. Off topic liek whoaz, but I love the spring here. It's so gorgeous and it's pretty peaceful, and it's just - really nice. I hate to think of how it's going to get come summer, packed with tourists, needing a tag to go on the beach, no parking anywhere, traffic from hell, and not to mention hot as hell too, cause my house doesn't have AC. There are some high tech fans upstairs to help with that, but I don't have anything like that down here, so so much for that.
Nice as a time as it was, alarm bells were going off like you wouldn't believe. Part of me couldn't wait for the night to be over because I just wanted to come inside and really sit and think some things through about myself, because I just got that feeling, like there was a problem, and I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was.
Well I identified a few things right off the bat, but believe it or not, they're not my main points of issue.
One is that, obviously, Bevan is a guy. I am not attracted to guys, and I'm not attracted to him. I like him very much and want him to be my friend (well, I guess he is my friend) but I am well aware yesterday was definitely not a "just friends" type day.
Two is that Bevan has a girlfriend, and I know his girlfriend and I like his girlfriend, and I know I haven't mentioned her but she's away at college (her first semester, before she went to community so she was still here) and HE certainly hasn't mentioned her in quite some time. Incidentally, she used to work at a shop where my one cousin sometimes works, which is owned and run by his uncle (not my uncle, his uncle on the other side of his family) and yeah. Couldn't get more small town than that I guess. So, when she comes back for the summer, I'm not really sure what is going to happen to our friendship, because like I said, it's kind of shifting (what the hell, it's been there for a while) into the not just friends category, which would be okay, really, if it wasn't for the fact that he has a girlfriend and she might not be cool with him sitting on the beach having beer with some other chick, even if that chick is me. Well, I am a chick who likes chicks. So that might make it okay. I really don't know. And that's not even my concern here.
Here are my points of issue:
One. I've already had a friendship with a guy drift into that grey area I so bemoaned and it totally went sour. "Went sour," actually, doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm not sure I know how to have just a normal friendship, because Daniel was my best friend and that certainly wasn't a normal friendship, that's for damn sure. Every girl I make friends with, well, I kind of flirt with too. I don't really mean to, but I end up doing it anyway. And guys that I make friends with sometimes I think flirt with me a little, and I like it because I like the attention, and it just goes down hill from there. I don't know. I don't know exactly what the problem is. I just feel like I don't make a very good friend, because I tend to get obsessed with people, and see everything as being, well, I guess romantic or something even when it isn't or isn't supposed to be.
That's why I've been pretty much avoiding people these days. I move to a new place, I bitch and moan that I'm lonely, but I don't really want to make any friends because I've got some pretty sound evidence that I'll just fuck it up again. So that's my "define" part: I don't think I know how to just be a friend. I always seem to try to take it somewhere else. Or it goes there without my even noticing until it's too late. This is a problem. A big one. Because I don't want what happened with me and Daniel to happen ever again, between me and anyone else. Ever. I just went through all the relationships I've ever been in and tried to see the patterns, and my relationship with him didn't even enter into it because I don't even know what the fuck to call it anymore, it was that messed up. Never again.
Two: Guess who I'm thinking about when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning and who I'm talking to inside my head when they're not here. Just guess. Because the answer doesn't make fuck-all sense to me. The "define" part: apparently I'm obsessing over Bevan.
Three: I'm pretty uncomfortable with people touching me. I really don't understand why, but that's what appears to be the case. My first girlfriend, I thought it was just that it was all stuff I had never done before, everything was new to me and I was nervous. And the newness and the excitement kinda carried me through it, too. Hard to believe she and I were only together for three months, but that's about what it was. I guess when you're sixteen that seems like a long time, or something. Whinnie, well, for one thing, Whinnie and I were usually drunk, and Whinnie had never been with another girl before, so it was kind of like me directing everything. And Krissy, like I said, she just isn't romantic like that. She was never one for random cuddling on the couch or something.
...either that or, Krissy is just a very perceptive person, and realized that I was uncomfortable doing stuff like that and didn't push it. Cause... not to turn all like a porn or something, but Krissy was always pretty perceptive, you know, in bed. She's really blunt, and she would just flat out state things or ask things, but other things she would just sort of subtly pick up on... I don't really know how to describe it. But I think Krissy was kind of a little on eggshells around me because she didn't want me freaking out on her, and she did a good job of it cause I hardly ever did and I was kind of just playing along like everything was normal.
So, I don't mean I don't like sex. I like sex. I promise. I just... get really uncomfortable when people touch me. For example... I don't know, when someone... rubs my head, or something like that... yeah. It took quite a bit of effort for me to just relax and enjoy that. And that is a very, very minor thing, isn't it?
Definition: I get jumpy when people touch me, even though I actually like it.
FOUR: I don't like guys. I've never been attracted to guys in my entire life. Never. Not when I was a kid, I never had crushes on boys, nothing. I think I had crushes on girls, actually, but I'm talking when I was like seven, I didn't know what was going on, really. There were just certain girls that I thought were super special, or whatever. I never imagined myself growing up and getting married to a guy or something. To be fair, I never imagined growing up and getting married to a girl either, but the fact remains that I never assumed I was going to grow up and meet a guy and live happily ever after. I've never, ever felt my heart all a-flutter over a guy, I've never had that feeling in my stomach all butterflies and stuff over a guy. Over a girl, yes, many times, many many times over that, too. Usually it's gotten me into some kind of trouble.
One day, a few years ago, when I lived in North Philly with Daniel and Jay, I got curious. I got really curious about what sex with a guy would be like. I bugged Daniel about it. He was like, "hell no." And one night when I was high out of my mind, we actually did it. I barely remember it. But after it was finished he was laying there all panting and I was like, "blegh." Of course I had to go and voice that opinion right then and there, which is just the worst thing for a guy's ego, it seems, and that, right there, was the beginning of the end for me and Daniel. Well, not really, I mean, things had been going awry for a while but that sort of sped it up, you know? It was a bad, bad idea, that's for damn sure, and I think it really solidified everything that had been kinda-sorta wrong with our relationship to begin with.
So that was the first time I ever slept with a guy. After that, by any and all accounts and not just some, I was no longer a virgin. But it wasn't something I thought I'd ever do a second time, I mean, why would I?
So... I've mentioned time and time and time again on here how that one night I slept with Bevan. I wanted to do that. We were both drunk, but he is the one who was so drunk he didn't remember it. I remembered. Perhaps I even initiated it. I definitely said "yes," regardless of who started it. And because I was drinking, and because it was kind of sudden and rushed, the whole touching thing didn't bother me so much.
SO WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO ME?
I'm not attracted to him. I'm not. He's not that attractive to begin with. And I am not attracted to guys. And I do not want to get into any kind of relationship right now, friendship or dating or otherwise, I thought I was quite clear with myself about that, I don't want that kind of turmoil and misery in my life, not right now, not when I'm trying to get so much else straightened out. I just can't handle that on top of everything. I can't.
Definition: Something is wrong with my sexual orientation. I have no idea what is going on.
So, here are the problems, as I have identified them:
1. I don't know how to be just a friend to somebody. I either get obsessed with them, or I don't care about them at all. I don't seem to have an in-between.
2. It seems like I'm thinking about Bevan all the time, and I don't understand why, but it kind of feels like how I felt for my first girlfriend, with which all (two) of my subsequent relationships have not compared with in intensity.
3. I don't like people touching me. I don't know why but it makes me uncomfortable.
4. My sexual orientation has decided to go all wonky on me. Which has got me confused and defensive as hell.
There. I have now defined the problems that are causing me such anxiety. It's not just a "oh something isn't right, let me just freak out now." These are the specific things that are troubling me. See, I do not need, on top of everything else, an anti-anxiety pill. I have got it all under control.
And you know you meet a lot of people who say "drugs ruined my life" or "drugs ruined my relationship" or something like that. And these are all people who are "in recovery." And I always thought, well, doesn't that run counter to the whole twelve step thing? I mean, okay, yes, part of it is swearing off whatever substance it was you need to get over, as in, no, no moderation, just eliminate it entirely, but another part of it is taking responsibility. The drugs didn't force themselves on you. You chose to mess around with them, and you got burned. They didn't ruin your life, you ruined your life by messing with them.
And there I go sounding exactly like what I take such an argument with to begin with.
And of course I'm the one who sat in the back telling myself but it's different for me, for me it isn't like that, this doesn't count for me...
I know another girl at work who used to be really involved in drugs - cocaine and all the bad stuff like that. She's now incredibly medicated. I think she takes an antidepressant and a... tranquilizer, or something? And I've wondered before which came first, the chicken or the egg. Do people get into drugs because they've got some kind of underlying chemical problem, or do the drugs somehow permanently change them, you know, once you're hooked, you're just always gonna want them, you'll never be the same again, and without those drugs you need other, more acceptable, legal drugs to be able to survive in the world?
I don't know. But I know that I, personally, now take more medication than I ever have in my entire life.
The first thing they teach you in twelve step is to admit you have a problem.
And that's something I've actually agreed with. I've known for a long time I needed to get my life in order. I would make all these very sincere half-assed efforts, but nothing would really stick.
And you know, I've often thought back on things and thought, "of course I had a problem. I knew I had a problem from the very beginning. I knew those drugs were dangerous, and I fucked with them anyway, because I didn't see any other choice. Why didn't someone, some doctor, some friend, some, oh, I don't know, parent do something sooner? Why did it have to get so horribly bad before I could get any help? Why did it have to screw up my entire life first?" But at the same time, I know people tried to tell me all along that I had a problem, and I told them to fuck off. Repeatedly. Because I knew they were right, and I didn't see any other options. To me it was the lesser of two evils. And I still agree with that mindset. It really was. And besides that, it's the fact that I'd never been through a drug program before that pretty much saved my ass in the end. If I'd already had a record of being in and out and in and out of those things, well, things could have gone much differently.
So I don't know. I just know I came away from it all feeling completely betrayed, completely done dirty, and completely alone.
But that's a little more than I wanted to say on all that. I meant to start with the first step, admit you have a problem. I've always thought of it more like "identify the problem." You know, first figure out what needs to be fixed, instead of going around with the vague notion that I'm doing something that isn't working out. I like to think of it as "define and conquer."
Kind of like the Earthsea books, and the power of a name. If you can name something, you gain complete power over it.
So I was thinking today about how I had this girlfriend when I was sixteen. I was totally in love with her. She was totally in love with me. She's the only girl, and the only person I've ever thought I was in love with. I know, I fall for people really easily. I'm always after someone, usually it's someone I can't be with, not in a million years, and I thought that in admitting that I had defined the problem: I fall for people too quickly.
Now I'm thinking there's more to it than that.
Cause I was thinking back to what it was like with her. Not what she was like, specifically, or what our relationship was like. What was it like? She thought I was incredibly interesting, probably because she had heard all kinds of stories about me before she actually met me. She wanted to be edgy, I think, and I guess I fit the bill pretty well for that. I thought she was fucking amazing - after I got hurt I definitely wondered how anyone would ever look at me and think I was a peer, a person, one of the crowd, let alone someone who was attractive, and there she was. If she hadn't been a part of my life right then I think I would have a very, very different take on myself and relationships right now.
But what was it like to be in love with her? If I was actually in love - can teenagers fall in love, for real? I have reasons for doubting this, and I'm getting to them in a bit. I thought about her all the time. The first time I saw her, it was like something clicked in my brain, it was like my eyes fell on her and my brain said, there, that one. And from then on, some part of me was always focused on her. Before I even knew her name. I'd close my eyes and see her. Before I fell asleep, I'd think about her. When I woke up, I'd think about her. When she wasn't around, as I was going about my day-to-day stuff, I'd imagine I was talking to her and telling her about every little aspect of my day. Everything I did I did in relation, somehow, to her.
I thought I would always feel like that. I don't think I thought she and I would be together forever - I understood that at our age that wasn't really possible, or that it wasn't necessarily automatic, anyway. I figured things change, people change, and teenage romances don't last, but I never thought my feelings for her would change. And I was more or less right - our relationship didn't last, I was devastated when it didn't, but my feelings for her didn't change. Well, they did change. Sometimes I was furious with her - sometimes I worried about her, sometimes I thought her breaking up with me was an indication that there was something wrong with her (I know, delusional, me) sometimes I thought she had turned into a different person or something because I couldn't believe that she would say or do the things she said and did.
And it kept right on - I thought about her all the time. When I went to sleep. When I woke up. If I saw her, our eyes just locked. It was automatic. Even if we weren't speaking to each other, even if we professed to hate each other, there was still something in the air between us. We both felt it. She later admitted it. At one point we talked about getting back together, because she said she never stopped feeling it either.
But we didn't, and life went on, and I went on thinking about her, and every relationship I tried (oh, haha, yeah right. The one relationship I tried...) I always compared to her. Yes, at nineteen, I was comparing my relationship to one I was in at sixteen. At the time, it made perfect sense. I even talked about her to my new girlfriend. I hear you're not supposed to do that, but whatever.
And now? Now I'm pretty indifferent to her, I'd say. All that passion that was so overwhelming - gone. Not a trace. Is that just because I'm not a teenager, so I'll never feel like that again for anyone?
Because after her there were two more girlfriends - Whinnie, and Krissy. Whinnie, Whinnie I let myself get pretty obsessed with. But it wasn't the same thing. And Krissy? I never had that "locking eyes at first sight" thing with her.
I loved her. We loved each other. I still love her now, I'm sure. I bet she even still loves me. The relationship just wasn't working... but I didn't think about her every minute of every day. All my decisions and actions didn't revolve around her. (And that may have been the downfall of our relationship, or so I'm told) But those really intense feelings I had for my first girlfriend were not part of it.
I feel like somewhere along the line I started putting this wall up, not letting myself feel too much for anyone, because like the first relationship, I knew it wouldn't last, but unlike the first relationship, I also knew how much that would hurt.
And it hurt anyway - Whinnie really hurt me. She really, really did. Sometimes I say I'm too proud of a person, sometimes I say I have no pride, I don't know, I can't make up my mind on that, but in this instance, well, I'm normally too proud to admit just how hurt I was over Whinnie. And I didn't feel for her what I felt for that first girlfriend.
And Krissy? Well, one of the reasons I felt like Krissy was such a great match for me was that she's just not a very emotional person to begin with. And I consider that a good thing - less emotions, easier to understand, I guess. I felt like getting involved with her wouldn't mean getting dragged into a huge emotional mess, either, and for the most part, that was true. She wasn't very romantic, either - we would go on dates, and stuff, but it's kind of like all the sweet little things that made it romantic weren't there, because she didn't do that kind of thing to begin with. Or I was the one doing the sweet little romantic things, because I'm more comfortable that way anyway - I call it "playing the guy." I know that's not a very lesbian-ish thing to say, and I've gotten shit for it in the past, believe me, but whatever. I guess I'm not a very lesbian-ish lesbian to begin with.
But one thing I noticed - my first girlfriend, she talked about the future a lot. She talked as if it was going to be forever with us. I would just sort of brush it off, because I knew that wasn't going to happen, but she still talked as if it would. Whinnie doesn't even enter in to this, because that relationship was messed up anyway, but Krissy? Krissy didn't talk about the future. I mean, she talked about her future, medical school and all that, but not our future. And I thought that was great, because if she didn't bring it up, then I didn't have to bring it up either! It was perfect! It went along with everything I liked about her, blunt, honest, live for the moment kind of girl (and, besides that, unlike Whinnie, she was a real lesbian, too, so it wasn't like she was stringing me along so she could tell the boys she was bi and they would think that was hot...) but you know what? If we had talked just a bit about the future, I would have been a lot less likely to just run off to this house to try to carve out some stability for myself, ALONE. I do a lot of running off. I run off like you wouldn't believe. That's just what I do. I even ran half way across the world.
But that, in the end, was the undoing of our relationship - I was here, she was still in Philly, and the distance thing just wasn't working. But I came here because I wanted a future for myself. Just living with her, in her apartment, relying on her after I swore I wouldn't rely on anyone else, ever again, just made me so nervous, I didn't see that I had any other choice, really. I guess from her point of view, I ran out on her, maybe. But had we discussed OUR future, together, I wouldn't have felt so pressed to do that in the first place.
So really, one of the things that made me most at ease with her was also the source of our undoing, in the end. Go figure.
So, what does this have anything to do with twelve step anyway?
Oh, it's the whole "define and conquer" mentality I learned to favor so much.
Bevan called me and asked me if I wanted to go see Iron Man with him since we both missed out on it the other night. Of course I said yes. We spent the afternoon at his house playing Rock Band and Mario Kart (he played guitar, I played bass, which is easier - that game is freakin' hard, and the blue button completely eludes me, no matter which way I hold the guitar, but Mario Kart is the shit) and we got sandwiches from Wawa to eat in the theatre (ghetto, I know...) and then he brought me back home and we grabbed some beer and sat on the beach for a while until I started to freeze. It was really nice. Off topic liek whoaz, but I love the spring here. It's so gorgeous and it's pretty peaceful, and it's just - really nice. I hate to think of how it's going to get come summer, packed with tourists, needing a tag to go on the beach, no parking anywhere, traffic from hell, and not to mention hot as hell too, cause my house doesn't have AC. There are some high tech fans upstairs to help with that, but I don't have anything like that down here, so so much for that.
Nice as a time as it was, alarm bells were going off like you wouldn't believe. Part of me couldn't wait for the night to be over because I just wanted to come inside and really sit and think some things through about myself, because I just got that feeling, like there was a problem, and I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was.
Well I identified a few things right off the bat, but believe it or not, they're not my main points of issue.
One is that, obviously, Bevan is a guy. I am not attracted to guys, and I'm not attracted to him. I like him very much and want him to be my friend (well, I guess he is my friend) but I am well aware yesterday was definitely not a "just friends" type day.
Two is that Bevan has a girlfriend, and I know his girlfriend and I like his girlfriend, and I know I haven't mentioned her but she's away at college (her first semester, before she went to community so she was still here) and HE certainly hasn't mentioned her in quite some time. Incidentally, she used to work at a shop where my one cousin sometimes works, which is owned and run by his uncle (not my uncle, his uncle on the other side of his family) and yeah. Couldn't get more small town than that I guess. So, when she comes back for the summer, I'm not really sure what is going to happen to our friendship, because like I said, it's kind of shifting (what the hell, it's been there for a while) into the not just friends category, which would be okay, really, if it wasn't for the fact that he has a girlfriend and she might not be cool with him sitting on the beach having beer with some other chick, even if that chick is me. Well, I am a chick who likes chicks. So that might make it okay. I really don't know. And that's not even my concern here.
Here are my points of issue:
One. I've already had a friendship with a guy drift into that grey area I so bemoaned and it totally went sour. "Went sour," actually, doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm not sure I know how to have just a normal friendship, because Daniel was my best friend and that certainly wasn't a normal friendship, that's for damn sure. Every girl I make friends with, well, I kind of flirt with too. I don't really mean to, but I end up doing it anyway. And guys that I make friends with sometimes I think flirt with me a little, and I like it because I like the attention, and it just goes down hill from there. I don't know. I don't know exactly what the problem is. I just feel like I don't make a very good friend, because I tend to get obsessed with people, and see everything as being, well, I guess romantic or something even when it isn't or isn't supposed to be.
That's why I've been pretty much avoiding people these days. I move to a new place, I bitch and moan that I'm lonely, but I don't really want to make any friends because I've got some pretty sound evidence that I'll just fuck it up again. So that's my "define" part: I don't think I know how to just be a friend. I always seem to try to take it somewhere else. Or it goes there without my even noticing until it's too late. This is a problem. A big one. Because I don't want what happened with me and Daniel to happen ever again, between me and anyone else. Ever. I just went through all the relationships I've ever been in and tried to see the patterns, and my relationship with him didn't even enter into it because I don't even know what the fuck to call it anymore, it was that messed up. Never again.
Two: Guess who I'm thinking about when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning and who I'm talking to inside my head when they're not here. Just guess. Because the answer doesn't make fuck-all sense to me. The "define" part: apparently I'm obsessing over Bevan.
Three: I'm pretty uncomfortable with people touching me. I really don't understand why, but that's what appears to be the case. My first girlfriend, I thought it was just that it was all stuff I had never done before, everything was new to me and I was nervous. And the newness and the excitement kinda carried me through it, too. Hard to believe she and I were only together for three months, but that's about what it was. I guess when you're sixteen that seems like a long time, or something. Whinnie, well, for one thing, Whinnie and I were usually drunk, and Whinnie had never been with another girl before, so it was kind of like me directing everything. And Krissy, like I said, she just isn't romantic like that. She was never one for random cuddling on the couch or something.
...either that or, Krissy is just a very perceptive person, and realized that I was uncomfortable doing stuff like that and didn't push it. Cause... not to turn all like a porn or something, but Krissy was always pretty perceptive, you know, in bed. She's really blunt, and she would just flat out state things or ask things, but other things she would just sort of subtly pick up on... I don't really know how to describe it. But I think Krissy was kind of a little on eggshells around me because she didn't want me freaking out on her, and she did a good job of it cause I hardly ever did and I was kind of just playing along like everything was normal.
So, I don't mean I don't like sex. I like sex. I promise. I just... get really uncomfortable when people touch me. For example... I don't know, when someone... rubs my head, or something like that... yeah. It took quite a bit of effort for me to just relax and enjoy that. And that is a very, very minor thing, isn't it?
Definition: I get jumpy when people touch me, even though I actually like it.
FOUR: I don't like guys. I've never been attracted to guys in my entire life. Never. Not when I was a kid, I never had crushes on boys, nothing. I think I had crushes on girls, actually, but I'm talking when I was like seven, I didn't know what was going on, really. There were just certain girls that I thought were super special, or whatever. I never imagined myself growing up and getting married to a guy or something. To be fair, I never imagined growing up and getting married to a girl either, but the fact remains that I never assumed I was going to grow up and meet a guy and live happily ever after. I've never, ever felt my heart all a-flutter over a guy, I've never had that feeling in my stomach all butterflies and stuff over a guy. Over a girl, yes, many times, many many times over that, too. Usually it's gotten me into some kind of trouble.
One day, a few years ago, when I lived in North Philly with Daniel and Jay, I got curious. I got really curious about what sex with a guy would be like. I bugged Daniel about it. He was like, "hell no." And one night when I was high out of my mind, we actually did it. I barely remember it. But after it was finished he was laying there all panting and I was like, "blegh." Of course I had to go and voice that opinion right then and there, which is just the worst thing for a guy's ego, it seems, and that, right there, was the beginning of the end for me and Daniel. Well, not really, I mean, things had been going awry for a while but that sort of sped it up, you know? It was a bad, bad idea, that's for damn sure, and I think it really solidified everything that had been kinda-sorta wrong with our relationship to begin with.
So that was the first time I ever slept with a guy. After that, by any and all accounts and not just some, I was no longer a virgin. But it wasn't something I thought I'd ever do a second time, I mean, why would I?
So... I've mentioned time and time and time again on here how that one night I slept with Bevan. I wanted to do that. We were both drunk, but he is the one who was so drunk he didn't remember it. I remembered. Perhaps I even initiated it. I definitely said "yes," regardless of who started it. And because I was drinking, and because it was kind of sudden and rushed, the whole touching thing didn't bother me so much.
SO WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO ME?
I'm not attracted to him. I'm not. He's not that attractive to begin with. And I am not attracted to guys. And I do not want to get into any kind of relationship right now, friendship or dating or otherwise, I thought I was quite clear with myself about that, I don't want that kind of turmoil and misery in my life, not right now, not when I'm trying to get so much else straightened out. I just can't handle that on top of everything. I can't.
Definition: Something is wrong with my sexual orientation. I have no idea what is going on.
So, here are the problems, as I have identified them:
1. I don't know how to be just a friend to somebody. I either get obsessed with them, or I don't care about them at all. I don't seem to have an in-between.
2. It seems like I'm thinking about Bevan all the time, and I don't understand why, but it kind of feels like how I felt for my first girlfriend, with which all (two) of my subsequent relationships have not compared with in intensity.
3. I don't like people touching me. I don't know why but it makes me uncomfortable.
4. My sexual orientation has decided to go all wonky on me. Which has got me confused and defensive as hell.
There. I have now defined the problems that are causing me such anxiety. It's not just a "oh something isn't right, let me just freak out now." These are the specific things that are troubling me. See, I do not need, on top of everything else, an anti-anxiety pill. I have got it all under control.
