Lara I.

So I said something to someone the other day that's been kind of bothering me. They asked why on earth I have a criminal record, and I said something along the lines of, "well to make a long story short, drugs are bad, mkay?" (you know, South Park...)

And you know you meet a lot of people who say "drugs ruined my life" or "drugs ruined my relationship" or something like that. And these are all people who are "in recovery." And I always thought, well, doesn't that run counter to the whole twelve step thing? I mean, okay, yes, part of it is swearing off whatever substance it was you need to get over, as in, no, no moderation, just eliminate it entirely, but another part of it is taking responsibility. The drugs didn't force themselves on you. You chose to mess around with them, and you got burned. They didn't ruin your life, you ruined your life by messing with them.

And there I go sounding exactly like what I take such an argument with to begin with.

And of course I'm the one who sat in the back telling myself but it's different for me, for me it isn't like that, this doesn't count for me...

I know another girl at work who used to be really involved in drugs - cocaine and all the bad stuff like that. She's now incredibly medicated. I think she takes an antidepressant and a... tranquilizer, or something? And I've wondered before which came first, the chicken or the egg. Do people get into drugs because they've got some kind of underlying chemical problem, or do the drugs somehow permanently change them, you know, once you're hooked, you're just always gonna want them, you'll never be the same again, and without those drugs you need other, more acceptable, legal drugs to be able to survive in the world?

I don't know. But I know that I, personally, now take more medication than I ever have in my entire life.

The first thing they teach you in twelve step is to admit you have a problem.

( And that's something I've actually agreed with )

There. I have now defined the problems that are causing me such anxiety. It's not just a "oh something isn't right, let me just freak out now." These are the specific things that are troubling me. See, I do not need, on top of everything else, an anti-anxiety pill. I have got it all under control.