Three Days In

[exhilaration]

Ok, well, time to assess what just may have been a poor decision on my part:

Two jobs, Lara? Really, two?

Well, yeah, two. I've got expenses, you know. I've got a huge-ass loan I'm making payments on - the way I try to justify this to myself is I've got to think of it like paying a mortgage: that is a loan, is it not? Well, I own this house, but the loan was necessary to make it possible to actually live in this house. I have credit card debt - I'm not exactly trying to pay it off, per se, because a good portion of it is all house-related things that I put on the credit card with the theory of "needing to have money to make money." I have... unpaid medical bills, too, of course - I owe money all over the damn place, and it's expensive to keep up with it all.

I have to pay the electric bill and the internet bill and the phone bill, and you know, besides that, I do buy groceries and stuff, too. I'm really bad at eating, but really, I do try to do that too. It's good for you. I have to pay people to drive me around, too - and honestly, I'm paying less than I'd be paying for gas and insurance and registration anyway. Especially for insurance. I'm expensive to insure, because I'm such a shitty driver to begin with.

SO YES. TWO JOBS.

I try to make at last what I have to spend every month. So I don't end up, you know, further in the hole than out of it. It's really pretty nerve-racking, this game I'm trying to play. But like I've said countless times, I didn't really see any other choice for myself at the time.

I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. I've just got no energy. And I feel like my whole sense of my body is completely skewed - should I be this tired? Am I supposed to have enough energy to do all this and more besides, or am I just asking too much from myself? Am I just out of shape (oh, I'm positive I am very out of shape, but, what, I'm so tired I haven't got the energy to exercise anyway) or is this going to turn into me making myself physically ill because I'm just wearing myself out?

The walk is really hard in the mornings. I can do it in about an hour, you know, if I take my time and don't rush, and I can work my shift okay, but, I feel like it just leaves me out of breath for the entire day. Like last night I was talking (at work, of course, not at home, I hate the phone) on the phone to a guest ordering take out, and, even though I was seriously just sitting on a barstool at the end of the bar with a pad of paper just flat out answering the damn phone all night, everyone and their mother wanted take out or a reservation or to know our hours or to complain about something (we got some recent complaints about people calling and no one answering, or being put on hold and then never picked up, etc, so I GOT STUCK ON PHONE DUTY, and, by god, it was totally justified, because I sat there and answered the phone all freakin night, it never ended) but where was I? I was sitting on a bar stool, you know, perfectly situated between the phone and the computer, writing down orders, ringing stuff in, and talking to people on the phone. THAT'S IT. VERY, VERY EASY. NOT PHYSICALLY DEMANDING. And yet I found myself getting out of breath while talking to people. I actually had to hold the phone away from my face (but, you know, still on my ear) while people were talking to me because I didn't want them to hear my heavy breathing. WTF. Out of breath why? I have no idea.

Oh let's see, how's the new coffee shop? It's okay. Aside from the transportation issues. I can take the trolley home, but obviously it isn't running before six in the morning. Their machine is a little shittier than the one in town, but I am pretty skilled with pulling espresso, even from a decrepit machine. It blows my mind how, you know, of course there are nice people and there are rude people, and that's just how it is, but even rude people who order coffee can't hold a candle to the rude people who go out to eat.

One would think that simply consuming additional caffeine would give me the required additional energy - you know, I don't think it works like that? I've recently taken note of the fact that I drink about three cups of coffee in a seven hour shift. But a "cup of coffee" is really a twenty ounce cup with four (or even five) shots in it, and, you know, milk and foam and flavored syrups and stuff. So... holy shit. You'd think my heart would have raced right out of my body or something. But it's fine. I'm fine. And, news flash - these days I think I've somewhat developed the tendencies of a hypochondriac - I always think something is hideously wrong with me and I need to seek medical attention, so, you know, if I say I'm fine, well, I'M SO FINE. I was kind of kidding when I said it before, but... can I actually be immune to caffeine?

And I seem to recall... at one point a doctor, I don't even remember which one, told me to avoid caffeine because it might (MIGHT!) interact strangely with certain medications - I guess it doesn't, then? Whoops.

Maybe the walk in the morning will get easier and easier until it's no big deal. Maybe I will just stop going to work one day because I just don't have the energy to drag myself halfway across the freakin town, I don't know, kind of like COLLEGE?

Bevan has two jobs too - in the summer, anyway. He does landscaping in the day time and he bartends at night - I feel like I don't have the energy left at the end of the day to, you know, go out and socialize and stuff. I want to, but then when I'm actually there I'm just all tired and miserable. He said sometimes he just needs to take a day and sleep. All day. Recharge and stuff. Maybe I'll have to build a day into my schedule just to do that. I don't know if I can, though, really. I've had this routine going for so long where I really only sleep for a few hours at a time. I still sleep enough, I just spread it out. Even if I try to sleep longer, I just wake up. And laying around trying to sleep is pretty useless, I feel like I might as well get up, go on line, watch something, I don't know. MAYBE THIS IS RELATED TO CAFFEINE CONSUMPTION?

I should just tough it out. It's only going to last as long as the summer lasts. Then I'm going to start bitching that there's no work to be had around here again. I mean, if I quit one job, which one would it be? The restaurant's been so busy and I've kind of been appointed temporary take-out girl (although, really, it's just not that practical and I can't see how it will last) so at least for now I'm working two different jobs there. My checks have been great because of all the tip-share from the increased sales, too, and more servers work every night cause it's busier and they're making more money so they're more likely to drop me five bucks to fill their sugars and clean their ketchups and roll their silverware and stuff. It adds up, yo! I couldn't leave that job anyway. It's like, my one and only link to other people. If I didn't work there, I'd be, I don't know, a hermit or a recluse or something, and I think that'd drive me batshit.

And for all it's bad rep, I like the other coffee co, too. For one thing, Renee is hardly ever there. She stops in, so I hear, but this other woman, Kiva (Keeva? Kivah? Keyvah?) manages the store, and she seems pretty normal. She's got no problem with me, anyway, which is more than I can say for Renee. And, who'd have thought it, but TOURISTS TIP their baristas! I mean, not every single one, of course, but, damn, today I had eleven dollars in tips, and that's split between me and the other barista! And that was on four hours of business (obviously I don't count the hour we weren't open, lol.) If I could just work there, I would. Who knows, maybe after this summer, I can. Maybe I'll make so much renting out the upstairs I could swing it. Ideally, of course, by the end of the summer, I could find winter tenants for the upstairs AND downstairs and I'd go live in the other house, but that house seems to be completely unattainable as a living space STILL. Stupid zoning bullshit.

And then of course there's the obvious fact that after the summer I might not even still have a job with the coffee co, or maybe it would be a TWO HOUR job or something worthless like that.

Whatever, I'm getting ahead of myself, suck it up and deal, Lara. You can do it.

Comments

[tenfeethigh.livejournal.com]

Go, Lara! I'm with you, you can do it.