Spring Break FTW
Mar. 9th, 2011 08:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationWell, took all my midterms last week. All FIVE of them.
Five classes is killing me, seriously. This was not wise. And now I feel like I've gotten so hyped up in my whole "omg can't do this" that... there is just no WAY I can do this.
It's spring break. I don't have anything I need to be doing for school over spring break. So I'm trying to just relax for now.
Bevan looks at some things so totally differently than I do and this has always made me feel like we're really good together. Like we compliment each other or whatever.
For example, my complete inability to manage my time: my fault. Inability to get off my ass and leave the apartment even when I don't want to: also my fault. Inability to remain awake and/or attentive in class or while trying to complete things for my class due to the fact that I'm exhausted: NOT my fault. If the energy isn't there, then it's just not there. I can't just create more out of thin air. If I'm exhausted, of COURSE things are going to keep getting fucked up. And of course I'm exhausted.
I think I'm just going to resign myself to some bad grades this semester. I mean, ideally I'd drop my sound class. Only because it's right after therapy and if I can GET to class I can't seem to stay AWAKE in class, and I've already fucked up several small tests because I just couldn't focus on what I was doing right then. Without that class, I can't take any classes having to do with hearing. Ok, fine. I won't take those next semester (meaning spring). There's other stuff I could start with instead, and re-take this one too.
But I've really backed myself into a corner here because I CAN'T drop any classes. Technically I'm only getting 12 credits this semester, since my Spanish class is a re-take. I can't have those credits twice. But I don't want to drop that class - I'm doing fine in it, I can skip it pretty much as much as I want to as long as I understand I don't get credit for missing discussions and stuff (although there is a policy that extra work can be done to make up partial credit for that kind of thing) and I don't want to have to re-take it later, because then I'll have to take another class along with it to get my certificate.
So if I drop any OTHER of my classes, well... then I'm at 9 credits, and that's part-time, so I'd lose my school insurance, and I can't do THAT.
So I'm not going to do very well this semester. And that's kind of that, and it sucks to try your hardest and still fuck things up.
So, guys, I got soooooo drunk this past weekend. Don't I sound like a college student? Haha. I had a really good time though, so maybe, now I really AM a college student. Instead of drinking because I'm mad, or drinking because I'm sad, or drinking because I'm desperately lonely, yeah. I'm just drinking for fun. Because in college, drinking is a sport, don't you know?
Needless to say I was very sick afterwards.
My neighbors here at school are guys. I barely know them. Their neighbors are other girls. I see them a lot, say hi, etc etc, but they're all still here for spring break. We're the "didn't leave town for break" club or whatever. So the girls, I introduced them to my boyfriend when he was here, you know, when we passed in the hall, so then later, they were like, oh, we're having an apartment party, you should come and bring your boyfriend!
Initially I was like, ehhh, no, but Bevan, he was like, oh yes, lets go, that will be awesome, it will be just like being in college again! So because he seemed to really want to go, I was like, ok, fine then. Let's do it.
So Saturday we did lots of fun things, we were out and around all day and it was awesome, and then at the end of the night, well... to this party we went. Where we played this game with beer and cards. Let me tell you, I was so, so drunk, like absolutely and completely drunk. Apparently I'm a really fun drunk, but, wow. How about I never do that again? Cause one, I was really really sick the next day. Like forget getting up. It was really bad, and I totally knew that would happen. And two, um, it was just embarrassing. I feel like I totally made a fool of myself. I've been assured by numerous sources that I did NOT and that everyone thinks I'm awesome, but... I dunno. I can't shake that horrible feeling. I mean I just woke up thinking, oh no. I am never doing that again and I wish I hadn't even done it once.
Lets put it this way - I was so drunk I fell on the floor. As in reaching down to touch the floor - because it was part of the game - and falling on my ass. More than once. Probably more than twice - because there are four number fours in a deck of cards, and four = touch the floor. So quite possibly this happened all four times.
Sunday I was supposed to go look at places to live, but being that Sunday followed Saturday, actually I didn't go anywhere at all. I didn't even get out of bed until late afternoon. We slept at my apartment on Saturday night, since it was right down the hall from where the party was, so, yeah. We paid for a night at the motel and then didn't even sleep there. Go us.
So today, well, this morning I had therapy, and Bevan came with me, because he asked if he could. I mean I thought that was a little strange. I mean not really strange, I mean I guess he was curious as to what exactly I do that's so exhausting and that's supposed to be so constructive, but, I don't know. It would never have occurred to me to be like, hey, why don't you come with me so you can see what's really going on here. Nor would it occur to be like, hey, I want you there because this is a huge part of what I'm doing right now and I want you to be a part of it, even if its just to watch. I dunno. That's just not how my mind works.
But, anyway, it's not like it made me uncomfortable or anything with him being there. So it was fine. And also, it did make me feel a lot better to hear him say, geez, if you can't do something, then you can't do it. Don't feel like you're doing something wrong because of it. It's not your fault. I mean he was talking about school right then, but, it was just nice to hear. I don't know. I mean I spent so long just telling myself "everything is all my fault" and you know, they really beat that into your head in drug treatment, taking responsibility for your actions and not placing blame on others and all that, and... well, I'm just trying to think of when I've last heard that. "Hey, it's not your fault." If I've heard that from anyone other than him in the past five or six years, well... if I did, I guess I was in no kind of mindset to believe it.
Anyway, this is what I do in therapy pretty much: I get told, oh, is that how you do that? Don't do it that way, that hurts your shoulders. Do this instead. Oh you can't do that? Well if you were more flexible, you'd be able to do it that way, why did you let yourself get so stiff like this? You know, you hurt like that because of the way you're sitting. You need to sit up better. Oh, you can't? Yes you can, you just need to have a stronger core. Now do these five thousand exercises every day. Also, why haven't you been doing this all along? ...and so on.
Um. More on that later I guess.
This afternoon we looked at apartments like we were supposed to on Sunday but didn't because I was pathetically hung over. So, I realized a while ago that finding an accessible apartment would be pretty much impossible. Like totally and completely impossible. I did find a few available but they were in like retirement communities. I found some apartment buildings where the building itself was accessible but the actual available apartments were not. I found some apartments in converted buildings (not built to be apartments initially) and some of them would have worked except for the fact that the building itself was not accessible.
So the strategy was pretty much to STOP looking for places that called themselves accessible because there would be none available between now and May unless pigs began to fly or something, and look for something that wasn't necessarily the ADA definition of accessible but would be accessible to ME. Except for I don't have time to look at so many places and I was just getting really overwhelmed. My friend Mark, the one who might possibly be my room mate, suggested looking farther away from the city center, just for cost reasons alone, and that made a lot of sense too because housing in the city is VERY expensive. So I thought well, maybe I need to hire someone to find a place I can rent. Because there must be somewhere. Apartment buildings have notoriously impossible apartments in them with tiny doorways and really tiny bathrooms and elevators that only work three days out of the week (and there are prob stairs in front of them or something) but this city is full of old buildings. Old buildings mean wide doorways and large rooms.
What we ended up finding was a fairly newly constructed townhouse, in a neighborhood in the northeast, well connected to public transportation but definitely not in the middle of the city, and it was by no means technically accessible and is definitely not perfect, but I think it will work.
There are no stairs to get inside. There is a bump in the doorway of course, but it's totally flat. The walkway up to the front door is pretty steep, but, no stairs. There is one room that's sort of the kitchen in one corner and the eating/living area in the other, and then the master bedroom is off of that. It has french doors, so no issue with the doorway not working. Bathroom is not really awesome but not impossible either. The whole place is carpeted, which I don't really like because carpet is hard to move on and besides, I'll destroy the carpet anyway. I mean maybe one of those hard flat commercial carpets like in my other house, that'd be ok but not the kind of carpet with like pile to it. So I don't really like that.
The kitchen is ok. There is a dishwasher and a washer and dryer. There is also a patio off the kitchen and there is no step there either. My kitchen in my apartment at school is kinda cool because one of the counters is lower (and the fridge and the freezer are side by side) but this kitchen isn't horrible. I dunno. I mean I keep telling myself that it doesn't have to be perfect cause after I have this surgery pretty much everything is going to be out of my reach anyway so as long as I can get in and out of the essential parts of the house it should be fine.
There are also two rooms and a bathroom upstairs, so of course the place can't be listed as an accessible apartment, but, since I don't need to access the upstairs... actually it's really fine. So when I said "find me an apartment with NO STAIRS to get inside, lots of open space, and a master bath on the first floor" I think I did ok. There were a few other places we looked at, one was too small (just one bedroom, so not only no room mate but also, no place to go be alone. For either of us) and one was too far from public transportation (15 min on foot + three busses to school = not cool) but the first one I think we should just take. Security deposit is only $500. GO ME for having an awesome credit history. Apartment is available mid-April (they said they have to clean it, paint it, etc) so... my friend Mark is going to go look at it later in the week but we already put a deposit down on it. So far he hasn't been like, omg, I take it back, I don't want to live with you, so... this is kind of sort of tentatively working out ok. I think.
So, yeah. That's pretty much what I've been doing with my break. I've been thinking a ton of other stuff, but, I dunno. I can't seem to get any of it out in writing, so, that will have to wait.
Five classes is killing me, seriously. This was not wise. And now I feel like I've gotten so hyped up in my whole "omg can't do this" that... there is just no WAY I can do this.
It's spring break. I don't have anything I need to be doing for school over spring break. So I'm trying to just relax for now.
Bevan looks at some things so totally differently than I do and this has always made me feel like we're really good together. Like we compliment each other or whatever.
For example, my complete inability to manage my time: my fault. Inability to get off my ass and leave the apartment even when I don't want to: also my fault. Inability to remain awake and/or attentive in class or while trying to complete things for my class due to the fact that I'm exhausted: NOT my fault. If the energy isn't there, then it's just not there. I can't just create more out of thin air. If I'm exhausted, of COURSE things are going to keep getting fucked up. And of course I'm exhausted.
I think I'm just going to resign myself to some bad grades this semester. I mean, ideally I'd drop my sound class. Only because it's right after therapy and if I can GET to class I can't seem to stay AWAKE in class, and I've already fucked up several small tests because I just couldn't focus on what I was doing right then. Without that class, I can't take any classes having to do with hearing. Ok, fine. I won't take those next semester (meaning spring). There's other stuff I could start with instead, and re-take this one too.
But I've really backed myself into a corner here because I CAN'T drop any classes. Technically I'm only getting 12 credits this semester, since my Spanish class is a re-take. I can't have those credits twice. But I don't want to drop that class - I'm doing fine in it, I can skip it pretty much as much as I want to as long as I understand I don't get credit for missing discussions and stuff (although there is a policy that extra work can be done to make up partial credit for that kind of thing) and I don't want to have to re-take it later, because then I'll have to take another class along with it to get my certificate.
So if I drop any OTHER of my classes, well... then I'm at 9 credits, and that's part-time, so I'd lose my school insurance, and I can't do THAT.
So I'm not going to do very well this semester. And that's kind of that, and it sucks to try your hardest and still fuck things up.
So, guys, I got soooooo drunk this past weekend. Don't I sound like a college student? Haha. I had a really good time though, so maybe, now I really AM a college student. Instead of drinking because I'm mad, or drinking because I'm sad, or drinking because I'm desperately lonely, yeah. I'm just drinking for fun. Because in college, drinking is a sport, don't you know?
Needless to say I was very sick afterwards.
My neighbors here at school are guys. I barely know them. Their neighbors are other girls. I see them a lot, say hi, etc etc, but they're all still here for spring break. We're the "didn't leave town for break" club or whatever. So the girls, I introduced them to my boyfriend when he was here, you know, when we passed in the hall, so then later, they were like, oh, we're having an apartment party, you should come and bring your boyfriend!
Initially I was like, ehhh, no, but Bevan, he was like, oh yes, lets go, that will be awesome, it will be just like being in college again! So because he seemed to really want to go, I was like, ok, fine then. Let's do it.
So Saturday we did lots of fun things, we were out and around all day and it was awesome, and then at the end of the night, well... to this party we went. Where we played this game with beer and cards. Let me tell you, I was so, so drunk, like absolutely and completely drunk. Apparently I'm a really fun drunk, but, wow. How about I never do that again? Cause one, I was really really sick the next day. Like forget getting up. It was really bad, and I totally knew that would happen. And two, um, it was just embarrassing. I feel like I totally made a fool of myself. I've been assured by numerous sources that I did NOT and that everyone thinks I'm awesome, but... I dunno. I can't shake that horrible feeling. I mean I just woke up thinking, oh no. I am never doing that again and I wish I hadn't even done it once.
Lets put it this way - I was so drunk I fell on the floor. As in reaching down to touch the floor - because it was part of the game - and falling on my ass. More than once. Probably more than twice - because there are four number fours in a deck of cards, and four = touch the floor. So quite possibly this happened all four times.
Sunday I was supposed to go look at places to live, but being that Sunday followed Saturday, actually I didn't go anywhere at all. I didn't even get out of bed until late afternoon. We slept at my apartment on Saturday night, since it was right down the hall from where the party was, so, yeah. We paid for a night at the motel and then didn't even sleep there. Go us.
So today, well, this morning I had therapy, and Bevan came with me, because he asked if he could. I mean I thought that was a little strange. I mean not really strange, I mean I guess he was curious as to what exactly I do that's so exhausting and that's supposed to be so constructive, but, I don't know. It would never have occurred to me to be like, hey, why don't you come with me so you can see what's really going on here. Nor would it occur to be like, hey, I want you there because this is a huge part of what I'm doing right now and I want you to be a part of it, even if its just to watch. I dunno. That's just not how my mind works.
But, anyway, it's not like it made me uncomfortable or anything with him being there. So it was fine. And also, it did make me feel a lot better to hear him say, geez, if you can't do something, then you can't do it. Don't feel like you're doing something wrong because of it. It's not your fault. I mean he was talking about school right then, but, it was just nice to hear. I don't know. I mean I spent so long just telling myself "everything is all my fault" and you know, they really beat that into your head in drug treatment, taking responsibility for your actions and not placing blame on others and all that, and... well, I'm just trying to think of when I've last heard that. "Hey, it's not your fault." If I've heard that from anyone other than him in the past five or six years, well... if I did, I guess I was in no kind of mindset to believe it.
Anyway, this is what I do in therapy pretty much: I get told, oh, is that how you do that? Don't do it that way, that hurts your shoulders. Do this instead. Oh you can't do that? Well if you were more flexible, you'd be able to do it that way, why did you let yourself get so stiff like this? You know, you hurt like that because of the way you're sitting. You need to sit up better. Oh, you can't? Yes you can, you just need to have a stronger core. Now do these five thousand exercises every day. Also, why haven't you been doing this all along? ...and so on.
Um. More on that later I guess.
This afternoon we looked at apartments like we were supposed to on Sunday but didn't because I was pathetically hung over. So, I realized a while ago that finding an accessible apartment would be pretty much impossible. Like totally and completely impossible. I did find a few available but they were in like retirement communities. I found some apartment buildings where the building itself was accessible but the actual available apartments were not. I found some apartments in converted buildings (not built to be apartments initially) and some of them would have worked except for the fact that the building itself was not accessible.
So the strategy was pretty much to STOP looking for places that called themselves accessible because there would be none available between now and May unless pigs began to fly or something, and look for something that wasn't necessarily the ADA definition of accessible but would be accessible to ME. Except for I don't have time to look at so many places and I was just getting really overwhelmed. My friend Mark, the one who might possibly be my room mate, suggested looking farther away from the city center, just for cost reasons alone, and that made a lot of sense too because housing in the city is VERY expensive. So I thought well, maybe I need to hire someone to find a place I can rent. Because there must be somewhere. Apartment buildings have notoriously impossible apartments in them with tiny doorways and really tiny bathrooms and elevators that only work three days out of the week (and there are prob stairs in front of them or something) but this city is full of old buildings. Old buildings mean wide doorways and large rooms.
What we ended up finding was a fairly newly constructed townhouse, in a neighborhood in the northeast, well connected to public transportation but definitely not in the middle of the city, and it was by no means technically accessible and is definitely not perfect, but I think it will work.
There are no stairs to get inside. There is a bump in the doorway of course, but it's totally flat. The walkway up to the front door is pretty steep, but, no stairs. There is one room that's sort of the kitchen in one corner and the eating/living area in the other, and then the master bedroom is off of that. It has french doors, so no issue with the doorway not working. Bathroom is not really awesome but not impossible either. The whole place is carpeted, which I don't really like because carpet is hard to move on and besides, I'll destroy the carpet anyway. I mean maybe one of those hard flat commercial carpets like in my other house, that'd be ok but not the kind of carpet with like pile to it. So I don't really like that.
The kitchen is ok. There is a dishwasher and a washer and dryer. There is also a patio off the kitchen and there is no step there either. My kitchen in my apartment at school is kinda cool because one of the counters is lower (and the fridge and the freezer are side by side) but this kitchen isn't horrible. I dunno. I mean I keep telling myself that it doesn't have to be perfect cause after I have this surgery pretty much everything is going to be out of my reach anyway so as long as I can get in and out of the essential parts of the house it should be fine.
There are also two rooms and a bathroom upstairs, so of course the place can't be listed as an accessible apartment, but, since I don't need to access the upstairs... actually it's really fine. So when I said "find me an apartment with NO STAIRS to get inside, lots of open space, and a master bath on the first floor" I think I did ok. There were a few other places we looked at, one was too small (just one bedroom, so not only no room mate but also, no place to go be alone. For either of us) and one was too far from public transportation (15 min on foot + three busses to school = not cool) but the first one I think we should just take. Security deposit is only $500. GO ME for having an awesome credit history. Apartment is available mid-April (they said they have to clean it, paint it, etc) so... my friend Mark is going to go look at it later in the week but we already put a deposit down on it. So far he hasn't been like, omg, I take it back, I don't want to live with you, so... this is kind of sort of tentatively working out ok. I think.
So, yeah. That's pretty much what I've been doing with my break. I've been thinking a ton of other stuff, but, I dunno. I can't seem to get any of it out in writing, so, that will have to wait.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 01:35 am (UTC)WooHoo! congrats about finding an apartment already, hopefully that relieves so stress about everything. Also if they are going to be redoing stuff in the apartment anyway, check to see if they are doing something about the carpeting anyway, I mean I think it gets replaced fairly frequently in apartments anyway, you might be able to get them to put in something with low pile or leave out the carpet pad or something. Again, congrats on finding a place, can't wait to see pics :)
Also, it sounds like you and B are having a good time together. Hope the rest of your break together goes well.
Oh, and I'm sure you'll get through the rest of the semester OK. Chin-up Wilbur :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 04:38 am (UTC)it really, really does, you have no idea
check to see if they are doing something about the carpeting anyway,
they are cleaning the carpet
Also, it sounds like you and B are having a good time together.
we are very
Hope the rest of your break together goes well.
Oh, and I'm sure you'll get through the rest of the semester OK. Chin-up Wilbur :)
Thanks :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 05:18 pm (UTC)Congratulations on the new apartment! That's so exciting! You're halfway through with school and I'm sure you'll do better than what you think.
And uhmm, your PTs should not be yelling at you like that. That's kind of mean and unhelpful and very aggravating. They're supposed to go, 'you're body doesn't do that? Okay, here's how we help you.' :/ But it's totally sweet that Bevan wanted to see you at therapy. He didn't want to be left alone did he? ;D
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 04:40 am (UTC)Right. And that's the reason I'm not doing that again!
He didn't want to be left alone did he? ;D
Prob not :)
And I dunno, yelling is not really what they're doing. But it is aggravating, because, well, it's all true. I get it. I know it. That doesn't mean I want to keep hearing it.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 06:28 pm (UTC)YAY exams! YAY par-tay! YAY apartment!
Sorry, I know I'm oh-so-eloquent today :-p
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 04:41 am (UTC)lol I have no objections to multiple uses of the word YAY when it most certainly applies :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 05:47 am (UTC)College apartments are never perfect, but if it'll work, then it's a good thing you already put the deposit down otherwise someone else would have nabbed it. Murphy's Law (or something).
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 03:49 pm (UTC)I know right?
It was kind of like, ok well, this could work and it's a good value so LETS DO IT!
It's actually a very nice place, in a nice area (no students around!!!) but I really wish I could find one place that's perfect that I can just stay in and live in and make my home for however long I want to keep living here... and I like it here, so that's kind of a while...