Pride: The Deadliest Sin

[exhilaration]

Finally, without further ado, this is the seven deadly sins meme! Thank you, silvia_elisa, it's been very, very interesting!



The sin of pride is a huge one for me. Maybe that's why it's so hard to come up with seven things, because while there are a lot of awesome things about me, admitting to just how prideful I actually am is not a good feeling. I know it's good and healthy to be proud of oneself, but, its a difficult balance.

Day One: Seven Things I Take Pride In

1. My looks. I freely say on here that I am the vainest person you will ever meet. In real life that is not so easy to admit, because, hey, who wants to say they obsessively stare at themselves in the mirror multiple times a day? But, truth be told, that is exactly what I do. I'm attractive. I'm a little embarrassed to say I'm so proud of my appearance, because it's not like I got to choose what I look like, and nor does anyone else, but that's the way it is. I love the attention I get for my bright red hair (and I love that I don't have a stupid worthless job that doesn't allow unnatural hair) and I love getting compliments on my clothes or my makeup or on the fact that I'm not wearing any make up and still look good. Here at school I usually do wear eye makeup, and I wear makeup if I'm going out or getting dressed up or trying to look more professional or whatever, but I know I look good without any too. I mean, my eyelashes are black. It's not like I need mascara or anything anyway. So I can definitely say I am very, very prideful about my looks.

2. I can sing - AND I DO! I know I'm not amazing, but I'm also well aware that I don't suck, and I'm not at all shy about it. I don't need to be pushed up to the mic at karaoke, I don't need a friend up there with me, I don't need a pre-karaoke shot or two. I WANT to sing because I LOVE IT. If someone asks if I can sing I don't say, eh, I'm ok, I say YES. I'm not proud so much of my singing talents as I am of the fact that I like to enjoy them. And yes, I like the attention. I like hearing "oh damn, she's good" at the first line. So basically what I'm saying is that I'm a show-off.

3. I'm smart. I am very very smart. There comes a point on the intelligence scale where there really is no sense in trying to measure it anymore or assign any scores or ranks or determine who is actually smarter than who - if they're all super geniuses, does it really matter who is the smartest? Right. I'm at that point. I've met other people who I've decided are probably smarter than I am, and they are AWESOME just to be around and I LOVE IT, but it's rare. It's especially rare working years and years of minimum wage jobs. It's pretty rare going to a state-funded school with extremely low admission standards too, but I'm still holding out for that one. I met some very, very intelligent people my first time around in college, so there must be some this time around as well. I just need to find them.

I'm very proud of my intelligence. And when someone interacts with me as though I'm clearly stupid (because I'm doing a stupid person's job... or because I'm a girl, or because I look like a seventeen year old... OR because I'm disabled, OR because THEY are so smart that they just assume EVERYONE they meet is an idiot in comparison, whatever) it really feels like they're just wiping out part of my identity. And that's pride. I feel like people don't really know who I am unless they understand just how smart I am. That is most definitely pride.

4. I adapt. I don't get freaked out when plans change, even if it means flying off into the wild blue yonder with no map. I love it, and I can totally do it. I don't get freaked out when things are so different I have no reference points - I'm not in culture shock, I just love it. I have been all over the world and only rarely felt overwhelmed, no matter what came up. I adopt new languages, new expressions, new social customs... if that's how they do it wherever I am, well, that's what I'm going to do too. Pretty much what I'm saying is that I'm proud I don't stick out as your stereotypical American. Even in Asian where I am so clearly a different race, people were always telling me "oh typically American people don't like this/won't do this/don't want this" etc. And I was always grinning ear to ear that someone was telling me I wasn't a typical American.

5. I'm creative. I am extremely creative. That I get such pleasure from showing off my creations is a clue that I'm proud of my creativity. And also that I am a show-off in general, but I think I already admitted to this. My creativity sometimes will run unchecked, and I'm even proud of this, telling silly stories about how I told outrageous lies to strangers and got away with it again. I take great care to put my mark on any space I occupy - I doodle all over everything at my job, all over my notebooks for school (and I used to cover them with pretty much anything that struck my fancy, but now that I'm grown up I don't have as much time to kill and therefor haven't collaged any of my notebooks this time around) and cover my walls with awesome stuff until it's perfect. I create entire worlds in my head that can occupy me for hours on end. One thing that can help alleviate stress and depression is a shit ton of drugs. Another thing is forcing myself to start a project. Even if there are a thousand other things I need to take care of and can't get off my ass to do any of them, if I can get started on something creative, it's just so peaceful and soothing and calming and wonderful... so I guess I'm proud that I can do this, especially since the more people I meet the more I realize that not everyone can. In other words, yes, I like to feel special :)

6. I'm musical. I know I already said I can sing. But this is something a little different. I think I have a certain amount of innate musical ability (which would make sense since my mom was a professional musician, and my dad's not bad either) but most of what I can do I sort of just absorbed myself from my surroundings, or deliberately went after. I took singing lessons, yes, because I wanted to be on the radio and stuff, or a broadway star, either one, I wasn't sure yet, but I never took lessons for anything else. Everything else I play I pretty much taught myself. My aunt showed me basic guitar chords when I was 11. Everything else I learned on my own. My mom taught me to read music before I learned to read words, and from there I played piano. I got the little lessons everyone in school band got, and thats how I learned to play flute. So maybe it's not that I'm musical that I'm so proud of, it's my ability to take something small and just run off with it. I know a few things about music, so I can re-create entire songs by myself. I read a book about analyzing chord structures so now I can write my own music. And yes, I am very proud of that.

7. I walk. I hesitated to include this one for a few reasons, one of course being that this is my journal and you can't see me and we don't interact so why does whether I can walk or not even come into it, and I don't consider my disability to be part of my identity anyway, and blah blah blah... and the other reason is of course that I haven't been walking much anyway. My doctor pretty much told me to STOP so I don't tear through any parts of my shoulder joints before having this surgery, making it even more complicated and difficult (except I suspect I already did, since I can't reach alllllll the way up with one arm anymore) so, pretty much any time I'd be debating whether or not I should walk somewhere, I don't. I still CAN, BUT my sense of balance is totally messed up, so I CAN but not very WELL. And that's either because I don't do it often enough so I'm losing the muscle memory or whatever, or because something's really wrong in my lower back and causing me all kinds of problems. Or probably really both.

But I can still walk, like really walk, one foot in front of the other kind of walking, if I have another person with me for balance. It's... really unlikely I'll still be able to do this after I have this surgery. Just because I will have been staying still for so long. I'd have to re-learn everything. IF I can, and IF I can actually dedicate that amount of time. But I am very proud of the fact that I can do it NOW, and that I ever learned in the first place, and that I actually did it for so long. It took me a very, VERY long time to learn - it took THREE YEARS to really be able to walk well enough that I could do it all the time. There is NOTHING ELSE in my life I have been so dedicated to, or so persistent with, or put so much effort into.

So... using my chair, well, that's sort of like erasing that accomplishment is what I guess it feels like. And that's definitely pride, because it definitely hurts. So, I try to just adapt, and be proud of that, like my #4, I adapt to anything, whatever the situation is, ok, fine, I'll go with that then. I'm not going to stop doing things or going places because it hurts my pride to be using the same wheelchair I worked so very, very hard to leave behind, but yeah. It still hurts.

Which is probably why excessive pride is not good for you. It's a sin, of course, because it takes away from God, and God, being God and all, demands that all glory go to him and not his creations. But it's not good for you because probably, in the end, it just hurts.

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 - Lust. Seven love secrets.

Comments

[yasonablack.livejournal.com]

Those sound like some pretty cool things to be proud of. :)

[silvia-elisa.livejournal.com]

That I get such pleasure from showing off my creations is a clue that I'm proud of my creativity.

Oh you sinful beast. :) I liked reading this, especially as I was nodding and agreeing all the way through; your pride is all true facts! ^^

[lara-everlong.livejournal.com]

I am SUCH a sinful beast you don't even know!