At It Again

Well, now I'm just all out of sorts. I really don't know what to say about this, or what to think, or what I want to say, or anything.

I went to a strip club last night. Bevan invited me - this would be the third time I've gone, and I was excited to go. I got a lap dance. It was hot. Very. And after, it hit me: yes, I did just pay a girl forty dollars to make out with me. And suddenly it didn't seem so hot after all. I just felt... disturbed.

On the one hand, it just made me miss... I don't know. Sex? Intimacy? Both? These are things most humans crave, I guess that is not so odd. But it surprised me. I kind of felt like, hey, I could be doing this as much as I wanted, to my hearts content, if only I had someone. Which I don't.

And on the other hand, it felt a little odd because I was lacking adrenaline. Whatever additional kick would have come from knowing that this girl, this random girl, was actually attracted to me rather than being paid by me was missing, and it was noticeable.

I don't know. I went back to Bevan's after. I told him the basic idea of how the lap dance turned out, that, ah, I got to participate, and I tried to explain to him what had me so out of sorts, but I really couldn't explain it at all.

I was feeling kind of frustrated, sort of like I was all wound up with no where to go, and when I tried to put words to that, it did occur to me that if it was just plain sex I was craving, well, that could most definitely be arranged. Me and Bevan have already done it once, and almost did it another time - a repeat wouldn't be completely far-fetched.

But I'm not attracted to him. I like him very much. I like hanging out with him, talking to him, being around him, knowing about him and thinking about him and just generally being friends with him. I'm not attracted to him at all - there is nothing about him that is attractive to me. He is short, almost as short as I am, he plasters his hair down, his teeth are kinda crooked, he wears stupid t-shirts and I'm just not attracted to him at all.

I would like to be attracted to somebody.

And then I want to fuck them silly.

And I know, I know, that is just a basic human want, to have sex. All humans like and want sex. I assume I'll have a reasonable amount of sex in my lifetime.

But I want some RIGHT NOW.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I went to a strip club, and now I have a serious case of SF. SF standing for SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.