exhilaration: (Rose close-up)
I worked all weekend. Got stuck very late at work friday night - I didn't get home until almost three, and we close at one, and I wasn't even supposed to be there until close in the first place. I've been trying pretty hard to make work as least awkward as possible - Saturday night I always do take-out, which means I'm at the bar, and Saturday night is B's bar shift, and last week I bailed and got someone to cover me so I wouldn't have to work so close with him. This week he switched with another bartender and waited tables I guess so he wouldn't have to work so close with me. Yeah... we were talking to each other, I mean, we had to, we had to talk to each other because we're working together. It's a restaurant - teamwork, and all.

But Sunday - I mean, one of us had to say something at some point, I guess. When lunch was ending and the dinner shift was coming in I was kind of hanging around by the bar - I had asked, at the beginning of the shift, if B could drive me home, and he said okay, so I was just waiting for the other bartender to come in. And we have been talking - about nothing. About the Phillies - incessantly - oh, did you know, the Phillies are in the world series? I am starting to fall for the team, really, I am. They're hardcore. I'm in love with all of them. I can't believe I saw them play that first time over the summer and could barely pay attention to them. Not now, my friends! Now I am glued to the screen!

So yeah, we've mostly been talking either about working or the Phillies. Safe topics, or whatever. But Sunday afternoon B kind of leaned on the bar and looked at me and was like, "will it do me any good to apologize to you?"

And when did I ever say I wanted an apology, anyway? )

But the whole time I had this weird feeling that this is the last time we'll ever do anything like that. Like it's already too late. Like we've both already said too much and we can never go back to the easy way things were. Now it's either going to be complicated, or it's going to be over.

And that's what I was trying to avoid all along. I'd say he was doing the same thing, but really I have no idea.

It makes me kind of sad.
exhilaration: (Default)
Ok so one day a few years ago when I still lived with Daniel he was doing something in the corner behind his computer, like with the guts of it or something, and he asked me to pick up his phone and make a phone call for him. Fine. So at the time he had his phone programed to dial on voice command, and so he told me what to say to get it to call. He liked it that way cause he said it made him feel Star Trek-ish to say "call Jay" and the phone would call her. Also fine.

Except for the phone wouldn't recognize my voice! I had to give up and dial her from, you know, pushing buttons and the like.

This just furthers the theory that I talk funny. I don't think I sound different. There's no reason why I should sound different - I used to have a little bit of a stutter but the older I get the less it happens - I speak, as far as I can tell, exactly the same as everyone else. I have no type of speech impediment. Just, voice recognition stuff can't even hear me. It doesn't even process that I'm speaking!

I went to Philly yesterday, back to my old 'hood, to visit a friend that lived down the street from us. He had just gotten home from the hospital - he got shot, oh, sometimes last fall, and he had been in the hospital ever since. It's a pretty sad story - he is basically going to need someone to take care of him for the rest of his life. He's not, like, my bestest friend ever, but we lived on the same block, and we'd hang out pretty often, you know, have a few beers together, order take out, sit on the porch, you know, all that EOL stuff.

I wish this was a cute story but really it's just regular old life )

So we sat on the porch. The back porch, the one where they built the ramp. (Not even the same house - he's staying with his parents, they live in a different part of the neighborhood) Couple other peeps from down the street came over with a couple pizzas. We drank some beers. Well, I drank my beer from one hand and held my friend's beer for him and tried my damnedest not to spill it when I tilted it back. The first nurse left early, the night nurse arrived late. We went inside. We locked the door so the nurse would have to knock. We watched some weird freak-nasty porn. This was the routine back in the day, see, when we lived down the street from each other and my friend could hold his own beer. Yes, freak-nasty porn, and on that big TV, too. But it wasn't a single thing like old times. It wasn't a bit like old times.
exhilaration: (Default)
I had a new years revalation.

That's kind of like making a resolution.

Well, it isn't really. A revalation is a lot more final than a resolution. Who keeps their resolutions anyway?

I think, all this time, when I lived in that closet, when I lived on Marcus's couch, when I moved back home, when I lived with my grandparents, when I was in the hospital and when I was in the other hospital, all along, I think I thought if I just stuck it out long enough, Daniel would come back and "save" me. From what, I guess maybe from me.

My grandfather died tonight.

And Daniel is not coming back, nor is he going to ask me to come to New York with him. I'll probably never see him again. I haven't talked to him in ages. He blocks me on IM now. He never answers my calls. He probably feels like all the years he lived with me I just sucked him dry of everything, and he's sick of it and is glad to be free of me.

He is not going to swoop down and pluck me out of this disaster I am trying to live in and move me into his loft in NYC where we will live happily ever after.

I can never go back to my parents house.

I can never go back to my grandparents house. They aren't there anymore.

I don't have anywhere to live. I have no money and the money I don't even have yet is already owed to the Great City of Camden, for I must pay for the crime of lying to get prescription drugs without said prescription, for I clearly haven't paid enough.

I'm never going to be friends with Daniel again. I've completely destroyed that relationship, whatever it was.

I'm never going to be without pain.

I'm never going to be able to walk.

And I'm never going to be able to take an honest look at my life and say a single good thing about it.

Happy Fucking New Year.

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Lara I.

October 2012

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