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12 Steps Are Not Enough
Nov. 12th, 2008 06:34 pmErica did take my pills, because this afternoon she presented me with four "replacement" pills. She said she didn't take them, but didn't want me to be mad anymore so she "got me more."
And wouldn't you know that I, like a pathetic junkie, practically drooled when I saw what they were. (They were not what I'm currently taking)
Which of course scared the shit out of me.
People have these attitudes, about drugs and credit cards, that they're evil. Drugs are evil, credit cards are evil (etc) and I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS insisted this is bullshit. Drugs aren't any evil-er than credit cards. Yes, you can land it a lot of trouble related to them, but it's always your own actions that cause the problem. They're inanimate objects. Neither good nor evil. Kind of like "guns don't kill people. People kill people."
And yet, even though I firmly believe what I just said, I was all "get that shit away from me!" Like it was satan incarnate or something.
I've always insisted that there are two different kinds of addictions, mental and physical. Physical addiction is when you get sick if you can't get your fix. Physically ill. In intolerable pain. Delirious. Running a fever. Sick to your stomach. For weeks. Mental addiction is what makes you keep going back to something you know is hurting you, even if going without it causes no physical symptoms whatsoever. You can kick a mental addiction if you have to (or, in my head, you SHOULD be able to) but it's a physical addiction that leaves you totally in its clutches.
I'm not addicted anymore - I've been out of the hospital for quite some time. I wont get sick if I can't have my stuff. BUT I WANTED THEM SO BAD.
Which just makes me feel like shit about myself. Cause I should be better than that.
And wouldn't you know that I, like a pathetic junkie, practically drooled when I saw what they were. (They were not what I'm currently taking)
Which of course scared the shit out of me.
People have these attitudes, about drugs and credit cards, that they're evil. Drugs are evil, credit cards are evil (etc) and I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS insisted this is bullshit. Drugs aren't any evil-er than credit cards. Yes, you can land it a lot of trouble related to them, but it's always your own actions that cause the problem. They're inanimate objects. Neither good nor evil. Kind of like "guns don't kill people. People kill people."
And yet, even though I firmly believe what I just said, I was all "get that shit away from me!" Like it was satan incarnate or something.
I've always insisted that there are two different kinds of addictions, mental and physical. Physical addiction is when you get sick if you can't get your fix. Physically ill. In intolerable pain. Delirious. Running a fever. Sick to your stomach. For weeks. Mental addiction is what makes you keep going back to something you know is hurting you, even if going without it causes no physical symptoms whatsoever. You can kick a mental addiction if you have to (or, in my head, you SHOULD be able to) but it's a physical addiction that leaves you totally in its clutches.
I'm not addicted anymore - I've been out of the hospital for quite some time. I wont get sick if I can't have my stuff. BUT I WANTED THEM SO BAD.
Which just makes me feel like shit about myself. Cause I should be better than that.
