It All Just Ends Up Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Jul. 21st, 2008 12:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationIt's been an interesting few days.
To say the least.
To start with, Bevan came over Thursday night. Thursday is my only day off from both jobs, except, oh wait, I only have one job now. Anyway, Bevan came over last night. Jory has come over a few times on Thursday nights, but not this week. What it boils down to is that Jory just doesn't really like me, and that's fine. Usually the only kinds of girls who like me are girls like Erica and Krissy: tall and loud and beautiful and love to talk about themselves. And I like to listen to people talk about themselves, so it works out pretty well.
Bevan is a pretty quiet guy. He doesn't really initiate conversation with people. We got to be friends pretty much because I continually tried to make conversation with him because I was bored at work. And I don't really initiate conversation either - I'm friendly but not really outgoing, if that makes sense. So while I feel like oh, Erica has explained every single aspect of her life to me many times over, there are a lot of things about Bevan I don't know. One of them that has been on my mind recently is why does he live in his dad's basement? So finally I just flat out asked him, and he gave a fairly straightforward answer: it's easier. And I suppose it would be, wouldn't it, not paying rent and all that. He had his own apartment for a while but eventually moved back home. Huh.
So really we just talked a lot. I know Bevan went to college for a little while and never finished, and I know he and Jory started dating last summer. I had to really press to get any more than those basics out of him - it's not like it seemed like he didn't want to talk, it was more like it seemed like he was out of practice. Imagine that, out of practice talking about oneself. Never me, never me.
So since it's been over a hundred degrees outside all week and inside (since I don't have AC...) it's pretty intolerably hot but fortunately I've got an awesome front porch and there is usually a breeze, since I'm that close to the water. We were sitting out on the front porch drinking beer from a bottle, as per the usual routine at this point, I mean, that's pretty much the story of my life, go to work, drink some beer, wash, repeat, right? But I was kind of making it a point to see just how much I could get Bevan to talk, rather than me talking and him listening.
And at one point in the conversation, or narrative, or whatever have you, I said, "you're awesome" and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
Whatever possessed me to do that I really don't know. I'm not the type of girl who just gives the cheek kisses all the time, you know, when saying hi and bye and stuff. It just seemed like the thing to do right then, I guess. Not a romantic kiss, not a sexy kiss, just an, aw, you're so awesome little innocent kiss.
He was talking about life, and his life, and the stuff that's important to him, which basically comes down to music, sports, surfing, friends, cars, and family. He said something along the lines of, it seems kind of shallow to say it like that, but really, it's when you start to cut things out of your life that you really enjoy to make room for stuff that you don't enjoy that your life starts to suck. It seemed like such a simple way to put things, and so non-judgmental, and so relaxed, compared to the myriad of people I interact with every day who can't shut up about their Big Life Plan, whatever it is, and... I don't know. I just liked the way he said it, I guess. Not "I'm a big loser who does nothing important" but "hey, it's my life and I get to decide what is and isn't important." Like that.
I'd like to be more like that I think.
For some reason this made me decide a kiss on the cheek was warranted.
We were sitting on the steps of my front porch, and my neighbors had their party lights on, even though there was no party there or anything. Their kid and his friends were sitting out there drinking something and listening to... PATD or something, I think, and I was trying not to go off to much about what was going on with me and my life and my job and my car (yeah, my CAR. I'll get to that later, I promise) even though so much bullshit has been going on, so for a little bit we were kind of just sitting there and, I don't know, observing our surroundings, I guess.
I was wearing a tank top and Bevan said the scar on my back looks like someone stabbed me or something, and I laughed and pulled my shirt way down to show him that it's the biggest, nastiest, most bad-ass scar I have and that it definitely looks nothing like someone stabbed me, and then I had to go and make a comment about how he's seen me undressed so he's already seen it so he shouldn't have been surprised.
Yes, go me, way to make everything completely awkward every single time I open my mouth. I specialize in this, you see. And so then deciding it was a good idea to kiss him on the cheek had me thinking, damnit, this is going to freak him out and he is going to be like, I have to go now or something.
No, actually what happened was that then he kissed me, like for real, like a real, actual kiss, and he's the only guy who's ever kissed me, ever, ever, and it was pretty different, and it was pretty WOW.
So I was fairly DUH for a bit.
And he didn't say anything, and he was kind of watching me, waiting for me to say something, and I could have said, you know, I keep saying that I'm not attracted to you at all because I don't even like guys, but obviously I AM attracted to you because that was just WOW.
That is not what I said.
I said, "I think. That you need to go. Because this is a very, very bad idea."
And he put his beer down on the step, stood up, and said, "I'll see you at work tomorrow," and then he left.
So, that is what happened. On Thursday. And it's taken me until tonight to really decide what to say about it.
I am not looking for a relationship.
No relationship was being offered, but, on the other hand, we already have a relationship, it is a FRIENDSHIP, and I value it very, very much. This is someone who goes out of his way to make sure he gets to spend time with me and catch up with me, gives me rides, invites me places, even, every so often, calls me on the phone. I like him a lot. He's my favorite. That's a relationship of some kind, isn't it?
And apparently, I am attracted to him - obviously I am attracted to him. That time, last winter, that we hooked up - yeah, that happened because I made the conscious decision, yes, this is something I want to do, I am going to let this happen. So there must be some attraction there. Obviously there is attraction on both sides. That's not really under question, is it?
I don't really have any particular hang-ups about cheating. I've never been in a relationship that was serious enough for cheating to even be possible, that is, I've never had an exclusive agreement with anyone, like, we'll only be with each other and that's that. I don't particularly like his girlfriend - I don't mind her, even though she doesn't really like me either she does make an effort to get along with me since we find each other hanging around each other now and again - but I don't dislike her either, really, and her feelings are not hugely important to me I guess.
It's just... I don't know. Maybe I'm getting too old for this instant gratification stuff? Maybe I care a little about the consequences of my actions? I don't know. I just suddenly felt very, very uncomfortable and like I was doing something horribly, horribly wrong.
I know what I'm like. I know what I do, I talk this talk like I'm fine with just fooling around with someone, like I like it, like I'm oh-so-unattached and oh so free and open, but it never actually turns out that way. I always get attached and I always get hurt - hell, I'm ALREADY attached, that much should have been clear already.
I was really afraid, you know, with everything people have been saying and all the teasing we've gotten, that it was going to be Erica I'd have to be like, no, we shouldn't do this with. I like Erica. She's very attractive. But the situation never came up. I'm not attracted to her. She's not attracted to me. Everything has been fine. She's a good friend, I like her, and I'm glad I met her, and it's kind of exciting to have a friend who's a girl.
This is totally different.
For someone I really like and something I feel like I really, really want to do, it seems kind of stupid to push them away like that, especially after, oh, a whole night of "yes I want to" signals, but -
It just felt really, really wrong.
So, yeah. That's where I'm at. Confused as hell, and feeling like I suck at all kinds of interpersonal relationships, friendship, romance, sex, any of it, all of it, I'm just the absolute worst.
So Friday Bevan and I kind of ignored each other. Saturday we and a bunch of people from work went to a bar in Cape May, and at one point I said I was sorry I've been so weird lately, and it's just been a strange week for me, and that the whole thing with my job really threw me off, and hey, I even spent half a day on the beach, imagine that. And he was like, "hey, if you ever feel like going to the beach, let me know, I'd go with you, it would be like old times" which is just, I don't know, a weird thing to say all around. I don't know. He and I and anyone else who comes over do sometimes end up going out on the beach in the evening, being that it is right there and all, but I know that's not what he meant. I don't know what old times is supposed to mean, really. If he meant when we were, like, kids, that's kind of stupid right there. I don't know what else he could have meant, though.
And then of course the whole time at that bar Jory was there too, and they were being regular old boyfriend and girlfriend, like nothing was wrong, like they were totally happy, and I talked to John a little, and I did a shot with this girl Heather I sometimes go out for drinks with, and... everything was almost too normal and that left me confused too.
And today I worked the lunch shift at the restaurant, and me and Bevan kind of ignored each other again, and Erica picked me up and we watched some of the first season of Supernatural here at my house, and I cooked, and we ate, and she went home, and I decided to walk over to the other house AND THEN
Oh yes, there is more, totally unrelated stuff happening now. I mentioned my car?
My driver's license is un-suspended now. I can legally drive. I have four points on my license, but it's no longer suspended. My car, though, is not registered and not insured. So no, actually, I can't legally drive after all. My car needed oh, about fifteen hundred dollars worth of repairs before it would pass inspection, and it has to pass inspection to be registered. It also needs to be insured to be registered, and insurance would cost a small fortune because... I'm a bad driver, I guess is what it comes down to.
I can't really afford it, but I was sort of starting to plan to get my car fixed, registered, and insured, so that I can start looking for another, BETTER job that I will most likely have to drive to.
So I park my car at the other house, so that there is a place for whoever rents my upstairs to park and a place for anyone who comes over to park. Sometimes I drive the car around the block or something just to make sure it's still alive over there and stuff, but for the most part I just ignore it. I used to let Sima drive it whenever he wanted but he's got his own car now and most people are not cool with driving an unregistered car around, so, yeah. I don't pay much attention to my car and no one else does either.
Someone ran into my car.
I don't even know when. Some time in the last five days, someone ran into, backed into, I don't know, somehow smashed my tail lights and dented the back corner of the car.
THANK YOU LIFE. Just what I needed, really.
And so, on top of what ever else was wrong with the car, also, I need new tail lights. Even more repairs I really can't afford.
Not looking good.
So, right, just like I said, kiss kiss, bang bang.
Yeah.
To say the least.
To start with, Bevan came over Thursday night. Thursday is my only day off from both jobs, except, oh wait, I only have one job now. Anyway, Bevan came over last night. Jory has come over a few times on Thursday nights, but not this week. What it boils down to is that Jory just doesn't really like me, and that's fine. Usually the only kinds of girls who like me are girls like Erica and Krissy: tall and loud and beautiful and love to talk about themselves. And I like to listen to people talk about themselves, so it works out pretty well.
Bevan is a pretty quiet guy. He doesn't really initiate conversation with people. We got to be friends pretty much because I continually tried to make conversation with him because I was bored at work. And I don't really initiate conversation either - I'm friendly but not really outgoing, if that makes sense. So while I feel like oh, Erica has explained every single aspect of her life to me many times over, there are a lot of things about Bevan I don't know. One of them that has been on my mind recently is why does he live in his dad's basement? So finally I just flat out asked him, and he gave a fairly straightforward answer: it's easier. And I suppose it would be, wouldn't it, not paying rent and all that. He had his own apartment for a while but eventually moved back home. Huh.
So really we just talked a lot. I know Bevan went to college for a little while and never finished, and I know he and Jory started dating last summer. I had to really press to get any more than those basics out of him - it's not like it seemed like he didn't want to talk, it was more like it seemed like he was out of practice. Imagine that, out of practice talking about oneself. Never me, never me.
So since it's been over a hundred degrees outside all week and inside (since I don't have AC...) it's pretty intolerably hot but fortunately I've got an awesome front porch and there is usually a breeze, since I'm that close to the water. We were sitting out on the front porch drinking beer from a bottle, as per the usual routine at this point, I mean, that's pretty much the story of my life, go to work, drink some beer, wash, repeat, right? But I was kind of making it a point to see just how much I could get Bevan to talk, rather than me talking and him listening.
And at one point in the conversation, or narrative, or whatever have you, I said, "you're awesome" and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
Whatever possessed me to do that I really don't know. I'm not the type of girl who just gives the cheek kisses all the time, you know, when saying hi and bye and stuff. It just seemed like the thing to do right then, I guess. Not a romantic kiss, not a sexy kiss, just an, aw, you're so awesome little innocent kiss.
He was talking about life, and his life, and the stuff that's important to him, which basically comes down to music, sports, surfing, friends, cars, and family. He said something along the lines of, it seems kind of shallow to say it like that, but really, it's when you start to cut things out of your life that you really enjoy to make room for stuff that you don't enjoy that your life starts to suck. It seemed like such a simple way to put things, and so non-judgmental, and so relaxed, compared to the myriad of people I interact with every day who can't shut up about their Big Life Plan, whatever it is, and... I don't know. I just liked the way he said it, I guess. Not "I'm a big loser who does nothing important" but "hey, it's my life and I get to decide what is and isn't important." Like that.
I'd like to be more like that I think.
For some reason this made me decide a kiss on the cheek was warranted.
We were sitting on the steps of my front porch, and my neighbors had their party lights on, even though there was no party there or anything. Their kid and his friends were sitting out there drinking something and listening to... PATD or something, I think, and I was trying not to go off to much about what was going on with me and my life and my job and my car (yeah, my CAR. I'll get to that later, I promise) even though so much bullshit has been going on, so for a little bit we were kind of just sitting there and, I don't know, observing our surroundings, I guess.
I was wearing a tank top and Bevan said the scar on my back looks like someone stabbed me or something, and I laughed and pulled my shirt way down to show him that it's the biggest, nastiest, most bad-ass scar I have and that it definitely looks nothing like someone stabbed me, and then I had to go and make a comment about how he's seen me undressed so he's already seen it so he shouldn't have been surprised.
Yes, go me, way to make everything completely awkward every single time I open my mouth. I specialize in this, you see. And so then deciding it was a good idea to kiss him on the cheek had me thinking, damnit, this is going to freak him out and he is going to be like, I have to go now or something.
No, actually what happened was that then he kissed me, like for real, like a real, actual kiss, and he's the only guy who's ever kissed me, ever, ever, and it was pretty different, and it was pretty WOW.
So I was fairly DUH for a bit.
And he didn't say anything, and he was kind of watching me, waiting for me to say something, and I could have said, you know, I keep saying that I'm not attracted to you at all because I don't even like guys, but obviously I AM attracted to you because that was just WOW.
That is not what I said.
I said, "I think. That you need to go. Because this is a very, very bad idea."
And he put his beer down on the step, stood up, and said, "I'll see you at work tomorrow," and then he left.
So, that is what happened. On Thursday. And it's taken me until tonight to really decide what to say about it.
I am not looking for a relationship.
No relationship was being offered, but, on the other hand, we already have a relationship, it is a FRIENDSHIP, and I value it very, very much. This is someone who goes out of his way to make sure he gets to spend time with me and catch up with me, gives me rides, invites me places, even, every so often, calls me on the phone. I like him a lot. He's my favorite. That's a relationship of some kind, isn't it?
And apparently, I am attracted to him - obviously I am attracted to him. That time, last winter, that we hooked up - yeah, that happened because I made the conscious decision, yes, this is something I want to do, I am going to let this happen. So there must be some attraction there. Obviously there is attraction on both sides. That's not really under question, is it?
I don't really have any particular hang-ups about cheating. I've never been in a relationship that was serious enough for cheating to even be possible, that is, I've never had an exclusive agreement with anyone, like, we'll only be with each other and that's that. I don't particularly like his girlfriend - I don't mind her, even though she doesn't really like me either she does make an effort to get along with me since we find each other hanging around each other now and again - but I don't dislike her either, really, and her feelings are not hugely important to me I guess.
It's just... I don't know. Maybe I'm getting too old for this instant gratification stuff? Maybe I care a little about the consequences of my actions? I don't know. I just suddenly felt very, very uncomfortable and like I was doing something horribly, horribly wrong.
I know what I'm like. I know what I do, I talk this talk like I'm fine with just fooling around with someone, like I like it, like I'm oh-so-unattached and oh so free and open, but it never actually turns out that way. I always get attached and I always get hurt - hell, I'm ALREADY attached, that much should have been clear already.
I was really afraid, you know, with everything people have been saying and all the teasing we've gotten, that it was going to be Erica I'd have to be like, no, we shouldn't do this with. I like Erica. She's very attractive. But the situation never came up. I'm not attracted to her. She's not attracted to me. Everything has been fine. She's a good friend, I like her, and I'm glad I met her, and it's kind of exciting to have a friend who's a girl.
This is totally different.
For someone I really like and something I feel like I really, really want to do, it seems kind of stupid to push them away like that, especially after, oh, a whole night of "yes I want to" signals, but -
It just felt really, really wrong.
So, yeah. That's where I'm at. Confused as hell, and feeling like I suck at all kinds of interpersonal relationships, friendship, romance, sex, any of it, all of it, I'm just the absolute worst.
So Friday Bevan and I kind of ignored each other. Saturday we and a bunch of people from work went to a bar in Cape May, and at one point I said I was sorry I've been so weird lately, and it's just been a strange week for me, and that the whole thing with my job really threw me off, and hey, I even spent half a day on the beach, imagine that. And he was like, "hey, if you ever feel like going to the beach, let me know, I'd go with you, it would be like old times" which is just, I don't know, a weird thing to say all around. I don't know. He and I and anyone else who comes over do sometimes end up going out on the beach in the evening, being that it is right there and all, but I know that's not what he meant. I don't know what old times is supposed to mean, really. If he meant when we were, like, kids, that's kind of stupid right there. I don't know what else he could have meant, though.
And then of course the whole time at that bar Jory was there too, and they were being regular old boyfriend and girlfriend, like nothing was wrong, like they were totally happy, and I talked to John a little, and I did a shot with this girl Heather I sometimes go out for drinks with, and... everything was almost too normal and that left me confused too.
And today I worked the lunch shift at the restaurant, and me and Bevan kind of ignored each other again, and Erica picked me up and we watched some of the first season of Supernatural here at my house, and I cooked, and we ate, and she went home, and I decided to walk over to the other house AND THEN
Oh yes, there is more, totally unrelated stuff happening now. I mentioned my car?
My driver's license is un-suspended now. I can legally drive. I have four points on my license, but it's no longer suspended. My car, though, is not registered and not insured. So no, actually, I can't legally drive after all. My car needed oh, about fifteen hundred dollars worth of repairs before it would pass inspection, and it has to pass inspection to be registered. It also needs to be insured to be registered, and insurance would cost a small fortune because... I'm a bad driver, I guess is what it comes down to.
I can't really afford it, but I was sort of starting to plan to get my car fixed, registered, and insured, so that I can start looking for another, BETTER job that I will most likely have to drive to.
So I park my car at the other house, so that there is a place for whoever rents my upstairs to park and a place for anyone who comes over to park. Sometimes I drive the car around the block or something just to make sure it's still alive over there and stuff, but for the most part I just ignore it. I used to let Sima drive it whenever he wanted but he's got his own car now and most people are not cool with driving an unregistered car around, so, yeah. I don't pay much attention to my car and no one else does either.
Someone ran into my car.
I don't even know when. Some time in the last five days, someone ran into, backed into, I don't know, somehow smashed my tail lights and dented the back corner of the car.
THANK YOU LIFE. Just what I needed, really.
And so, on top of what ever else was wrong with the car, also, I need new tail lights. Even more repairs I really can't afford.
Not looking good.
So, right, just like I said, kiss kiss, bang bang.
Yeah.
