exhilaration | The Things I Say

So if I didn't mention it, yes, it was kind of weird having Bevan meet my friends. Or, having my friends meet him, really.

Since my friend from college, Jimmy, and his.. girlfriend, I guess, was at Matt's too, we did some reminiscing about being students. Me and Jimmy went to the same college. We lived in the same dorm our freshmen year - and of course I was around when Matt was a freshman too, you know, visiting him on the weekends and stuff, when I was... seventeen, I guess, since I started college myself right when I turned eighteen.

At the time I considered having the college dorm experience my right, and how dare anyone try to tell me anything different.

I had not a fucking clue in those days, my friends. Not a fucking clue.

I had no idea what a privilege it was to be able to move out of my parents' house. I really didn't understand that there were people out there who simply could not ever financially manage to do what I did - live in a dorm and go to class, do my school work and goof off with my friends and go out drinking and work a campus job maybe ten or fifteen hours a week.

I get it now. What a little unreal bubble I lived in back then - I think I had some idea that it was some kind of in-between stage between being an adult and not, but I definitely didn't appreciate it for what it was. If I wanted to go to school now, well, what? I would have to move somewhere near the school, I'd have to find a job that could work around my class schedule, I'd have to take out massive loans - it would be so different now.

I don't know why I was so compelled to fuck it up when I had the chance.

So me and Bevan were talking in the car on the way back from NY, and he said I acted very different around my friends. This really didn't surprise me - I know I act different around different people. I know I act girly-er than normal when I'm with Erica because she is really girly. I dunno how I act around Bevan normally, but I'm sure it's different from how I act around Matt - actually, I'm sure I act like my real true normal self around Matt, being that I've only known him most of my life.

He also said he never really realized I went to college.

Really? I don't talk about college?

Apparently, I don't. He said I talk about Africa once in a while, or traveling and stuff, and sometimes I talk about my hometown and how it's different from here, but I have never, ever in his presence mentioned that I went to college.

I dunno if he felt deceived, or tricked, or what, but it kind of sounded like it, so I was just like, haha, now you know my secret, I'm more educated than I seem, lol.

Which isn't even something to be proud of, now isn't it? Cause look at what I'm doing with myself now - I work in a restaurant, and I'm completely unable to find any other type of work whatsoever - believe me, I've been trying.

And I did tell him I dropped out of high school. I told him that ages ago - at work, I think. We work with a lot of people who never graduated from high school. A lot of servers and bartenders at the restaurant never graduated high school, for all kinds of different reasons, and are making a very decent living doing what they're doing now. I was part of that conversation - I said I never graduated from high school either.

Which is very true - I definitely dropped out after the third marking period of tenth grade. I hated school. I hated it so much, I swear it made me physically ill to enter the building, and I had nightmares about it for years afterwards. I don't regret it one bit.

I don't, except... I don't know, I assume there would be a sense of accomplishment to be felt getting that actual diploma. Graduation might have been fun. All that end-of-year class-pride stuff, I guess I missed out on that, and you know, I know what I was missing because I remember when Matt graduated. I remember when he went to his prom and post-prom and post-grad and all that. I mean, not that I wanted to go to a prom, but it it's kind of the whole idea of the thing.

Nope, never did any of that. And yeah, really, I still don't regret it. I was so unsuccessful in high school - there's no reason to think that two more years would have been any better - I'm sure they would have been worse.

I got my GED right away - and yes, this was during my parents' phase of "let her make her own decisions," yes, I dyed my hair and then dropped out of school. Gimme a break, okay? I got my GED and by the start of the next school year I was in community college taking classes I actually liked. I loved going to community.

Of course, high school is free and community costs per credit, but at that time I could have cared less.

And I have an obscene amount of college credits, because I never had a major, I just always took whatever, until I think the last year I attended, my advisor made me declare something. I chose education. I took a whole semester (full-time, too!) of education classes - I can hardly believe that looking back. At the time, I thought I wanted to be a teacher.

Imagine that, right?

But I just let people think I dropped out of high school and that was that, I guess.

I guess I really never did mention college to Bevan.

When he and I first started talking, he would talk a lot of how he wanted to get the hell out of this town, how there was nothing here and there had to be more to life than this. Every time I would call myself a loser he'd say "no you're not, look at all the places you've been!"

I always felt like countering that with "yeah but look what I'm doing now," but it did usually remind me that yes, regardless of how I feel about my life now, I have done things other people will never experience.

Anyway, I kind of got this feeling from Bevan like I had mis-represented myself or something.

I didn't mean to. And maybe it just came off that way because me, Jimmy, and Matt were all like "blah blah blah college this and college that!"

Bevan went to college for a few semesters. I know he had an apartment in Camden with a few other students, and I know he didn't graduate and I know he's been living here ever since. He just said it didn't really work out. He has never once mentioned wanting to go back or wanting to finish a degree.

...I wish I could listen to myself sometimes. What the fuck do I talk about all the time if it isn't the key things in my life, anyway? I'd like to know. It can't all be Doctor Who and Supernatural, can it?

...I guess it probably can.

Anyway, Bevan slept over last night. First he slept on my couch and I slept on the futon, and then we both woke up around four - I still wake up at four, even after months of not having to be at work at five in the morning, I still wake up early like that. Well, I woke up at four, anyway. He might have been up all night or something. We made scrambled eggs and drank orange juice (omg! yes, I do have juice in the house! Just this one time, though!) and then we both slept in my bed for like eight more hours. It was the best sleep I've had in ages. Usually when I share my bed with someone I can't completely relax into sleep because I'm somehow wary of them being in my space or the possibility that they might be in my space, even when I know I'm sharing the bed with someone who NEVER invades my space, but this morning I was just so tired and I could sleep better because after having scrambled eggs I wasn't hungry like I usually am in the mornings (everyone is, I'm sure, right?) and whatever it was, I slept really, really soundly, and woke up around noon and we were both supposed to be at work at one. Oops.

So we were both a little late.

And I feel like I had like twelve dreams while I slept this morning. Really long, detailed ones, that I've all but completely forgotten by now, but it was really intense.

And tonight after work I saw Erica - she came in, sat at the bar next to me, and asked me "what I ended up doing last weekend."

It was like she was deliberately refusing to act sorry - she KNOWS Matt bought two tickets for her. I know Matt has a lot of money, but that's just inconsiderate. He bought two tickets for me, too, and without her, just how was I supposed to get up there?

And I was thisclose to just pretending like nothing was wrong, like we never really had plans anyway, but we did, we did have plans, and she totally ditched me, and I'm pissed! She was saying how we had to catch up, how she hadn't seen me in soooo long, and I was just like, yeah, well, did ya check your voicemail recently? Cause ya got a couple messages from me reminding you that we've got two sets of baseball tickets waiting for us in New York and me wondering where you are and when you're planning on leaving...

And then the bartender was like, "Meow," like we were going to have a catfight or something.

Because you know, girls never get mad over valid things, cause, you know, we're girls... *rolls eyes.*

And I was just like, okay, well, you call me when you want to hang out. I'll be waiting.

I don't often plan things ahead of time. I don't often call anyone on the phone, and I don't invite people places. When I "hang out" with people, it means someone picks me up from work and we go to a bar, and then maybe to someone's house. I thought that me and Erica were way, way beyond that.

Apparently we are not. So screw that. She's been downgraded. She's just some random person I see at the bars. Cause friends, if they can't at least manage the courtesy of a phonecall, at lease acknowledge that they've screwed you over.

Oh yes. My kitchen cabinets are still in my living room.

AREN'T I JUST SO AWESOME?