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exhilarationA few months ago I realized that the site that got me really, really involved in the internet, as opposed to just using AIM to chat with my friends, is gone.
It had been on it's way out for a while, but somehow it never occurred to me that the whole site would just up and disappear. Parts of it started coming up with the error message, and I figured what was happening, but now it's all gone.
Google "The Young Writer's Club." You will not get it, because it's not there.
I used the internet in the mid to late nineties, when I was in middle school, to go to the sites of bands I liked, to email and chat with my friends, and to read vampire slash fic (YES REALLY.)
Around 99-2000 I joined TYWC and my internet use skyrocketed, and so did my creative drive. I wrote stories. I wrote poems. I wrote songs. I participated in debates. And those were some good stories that I wrote - they're gone, too, see, with the site. Dunno what I would do with them, really, stories I wrote when I was a teenager, but they'd be nice to have now. They were saved on my old computer, and at one point I was still carrying around a 3 1/2 floppy disk with all my Word files on it, but neither of my computers even has a floppy drive now, so even if I had the disk, I still couldn't have the files.
Made me kind of sad when the site finally disappeared, even though I haven't been active there in ages.
Then it occurred to me that if googling the site brings up nothing, then googling my net handle won't bring up anything either. And that's a little bit freakin' me out - it's like I disappeared off the history of the internet! My handle was "Lara St. Muerte." Eventually I started using "Lara Inside" instead, because I was starting to move on from that super-goth-everything-is-about-death phase, but, googling "Lara Inside" brought me to something else that's kind a freakin' me out...
What's this? First I was like, hey, there is another Lara Inside out there on the internet, that sucks. Then I was like, hmm, look at those interests, this could almost be me, man, I am so unoriginal! Then I was like, shit! This IS me! What IS this? I didn't make this! I didn't join this!
So, ex.plode.us? It's some kind livejournal compilation site? Or, what? Did anyone else know about this? Did I inadvertently somehow join this? Can I un-join it?
See, this is what I mean about how once in a while I get a little bit shy. I'm fairly open in my journal, I think, but at the same time, it's pretty anonymous. You don't know my last name or my zip code. You don't know my street name or where I work or what kind of car I (don't) drive or what college I (didn't) go to or the name of my high school or school district or the street my parents live on.
So mostly I'm just like, meh, whatever, this is a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Anyone who's interested can read - I think other people's journals are fascinating, I'm just trying to return the favor, I guess is some of it.
But every so often I get this pang of paranoia, like, oh shit, they found my diary hidden under my pillow! or something like that. Even though it's not like that at all. I don't write my secrets in here, hell, I don't have any secrets, really. I mean, I guess I do, but I'm not writing about them here! I'm sure everyone has things they keep completely private, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Actually I have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm going with this.
I should re-title this PAINKILLER INDUCED SCATTERBRAINISM.
It had been on it's way out for a while, but somehow it never occurred to me that the whole site would just up and disappear. Parts of it started coming up with the error message, and I figured what was happening, but now it's all gone.
Google "The Young Writer's Club." You will not get it, because it's not there.
I used the internet in the mid to late nineties, when I was in middle school, to go to the sites of bands I liked, to email and chat with my friends, and to read vampire slash fic (YES REALLY.)
Around 99-2000 I joined TYWC and my internet use skyrocketed, and so did my creative drive. I wrote stories. I wrote poems. I wrote songs. I participated in debates. And those were some good stories that I wrote - they're gone, too, see, with the site. Dunno what I would do with them, really, stories I wrote when I was a teenager, but they'd be nice to have now. They were saved on my old computer, and at one point I was still carrying around a 3 1/2 floppy disk with all my Word files on it, but neither of my computers even has a floppy drive now, so even if I had the disk, I still couldn't have the files.
Made me kind of sad when the site finally disappeared, even though I haven't been active there in ages.
Then it occurred to me that if googling the site brings up nothing, then googling my net handle won't bring up anything either. And that's a little bit freakin' me out - it's like I disappeared off the history of the internet! My handle was "Lara St. Muerte." Eventually I started using "Lara Inside" instead, because I was starting to move on from that super-goth-everything-is-about-death phase, but, googling "Lara Inside" brought me to something else that's kind a freakin' me out...
What's this? First I was like, hey, there is another Lara Inside out there on the internet, that sucks. Then I was like, hmm, look at those interests, this could almost be me, man, I am so unoriginal! Then I was like, shit! This IS me! What IS this? I didn't make this! I didn't join this!
So, ex.plode.us? It's some kind livejournal compilation site? Or, what? Did anyone else know about this? Did I inadvertently somehow join this? Can I un-join it?
See, this is what I mean about how once in a while I get a little bit shy. I'm fairly open in my journal, I think, but at the same time, it's pretty anonymous. You don't know my last name or my zip code. You don't know my street name or where I work or what kind of car I (don't) drive or what college I (didn't) go to or the name of my high school or school district or the street my parents live on.
So mostly I'm just like, meh, whatever, this is a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Anyone who's interested can read - I think other people's journals are fascinating, I'm just trying to return the favor, I guess is some of it.
But every so often I get this pang of paranoia, like, oh shit, they found my diary hidden under my pillow! or something like that. Even though it's not like that at all. I don't write my secrets in here, hell, I don't have any secrets, really. I mean, I guess I do, but I'm not writing about them here! I'm sure everyone has things they keep completely private, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Actually I have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm going with this.
I should re-title this PAINKILLER INDUCED SCATTERBRAINISM.
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paranoia is contagious
Date: 2008-09-15 05:02 pm (UTC)Re: paranoia is contagious
Date: 2008-09-16 04:47 am (UTC)I have two things to say. One, even through all the sht that has happened to you, you just keep going - we all do. We don't really have a choice in the matter, do we? No matter what happens, the world doesn't end, even when we want it to.
Two, I have to keep reading because I just KNOW that someday things will get better. - things ARE better. Much. Maybe I'm not always happy, but overall, I am mostly content. It hasn't always been this way, but right now, it is. Everything changes, all the time, every day. It might get better, it might get worse - I try to do what I can to make things better, but some things are beyond me.