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exhilarationWell... Krissy called me, I guess assuming I'd be by myself for Thanksgiving. She's working all day and asked me if I wanted to get together that evening. I said no thanks. Krissy is my ex, who is now a doctor and works in an ER. She doesn't have much of a family, so I guess she's doing all of... nothing, for the holiday. I dunno, though. I felt like I was doing this very good thing, all this time, by continuing to stay away from her. Like being around her was hurtful to me somehow - maybe it is, I don't know. But last time I got together with her I had a really good time. In a "for old time's sake" kind of way, I guess, and in a "wow, this is someone who's known me for a long longer than the year I've been living in New Jersey" kind of way.
Sometimes I feel like I made this huge mistake by coming here (and, indirectly, leaving her.) I think I've said several times in this journal that I moved here and then she broke up with me, but she broke up with me because I moved here. In my head, I was doing the right thing. I was living with her not because we romantically decided to move in together but because I didn't have anywhere else to live. I couldn't afford an apartment of my own and everyone I knew had already sworn off ever living with me. I saw no possibility of ever getting a better job - a different job, yeah, sure, but one that actually paid better than what I was making? No. And that was my art gallery job. I liked that job a lot, but I wasn't making enough money to support myself.
And life just seemed so utterly... hopeless, like, I tried to look ahead and it was all just blank and nothing. And I mean, I'm an adult. I'm not a kid, I'm not being forced to stay in a situation that isn't healthy. I figured there had to be something I could change - so, when these houses got pretty much dumped on me... I took it and went with it. Ok, so, I'll never have a "good job." I've got no degree and a criminal record. But, I'll have the income from these houses. So, I will be able to afford, you know, life. I didn't see any other way to do it. I didn't intentionally decide, okay, I'm leaving Krissy, then. But being that Krissy was finishing med school in Philly and I'm here in New Jersey... I did leave her.
But to her... to her, she put up with all my shit, bailed me out when I needed it, gave me chance after chance after chance, and I just up and left like it didn't mean anything to me at all. And it did, it did mean quite a bit to me. I trust Krissy and I trust her opinions and when she says to me, "this mess wasn't your fault" I can believe her, and it means a lot to me to hear someone say that.
But I don't know, was she supposed to be more important to me than being a functional adult member of society? Was she supposed to be my everything? Does the fact that she definitely wasn't everything to me, that she wasn't more important to me than getting a better handle on my own life, mean that she couldn't possibly be "the one" for me?
Or... did it mean that the time just wasn't right? As in, maybe the time is right more like... now? That's kind of a scary thought, isn't it? And all this because I had a nice time with her last time I saw her, and now she wants to spend time with me for the holiday. I told her I didn't want to because I have this idea that I should stay away from her, but really, do I have to? If I want to spend time with her, because I like her and I like how I feel with her, well... why shouldn't I? Yeah, we were both pretty hurtful to each other. She's been very hurtful to me - very. But what I haven't written about was how she apologized - how she agreed with me that some of the things she said and did were hurtful, and how maybe me living with her (and living off her) wasn't a very healthy thing to happen in our relationship right then. She pretty much told me everything I always wished she would say, and I was just like, "whatever."
I think that may have been a mistake.
Sometimes I feel like I made this huge mistake by coming here (and, indirectly, leaving her.) I think I've said several times in this journal that I moved here and then she broke up with me, but she broke up with me because I moved here. In my head, I was doing the right thing. I was living with her not because we romantically decided to move in together but because I didn't have anywhere else to live. I couldn't afford an apartment of my own and everyone I knew had already sworn off ever living with me. I saw no possibility of ever getting a better job - a different job, yeah, sure, but one that actually paid better than what I was making? No. And that was my art gallery job. I liked that job a lot, but I wasn't making enough money to support myself.
And life just seemed so utterly... hopeless, like, I tried to look ahead and it was all just blank and nothing. And I mean, I'm an adult. I'm not a kid, I'm not being forced to stay in a situation that isn't healthy. I figured there had to be something I could change - so, when these houses got pretty much dumped on me... I took it and went with it. Ok, so, I'll never have a "good job." I've got no degree and a criminal record. But, I'll have the income from these houses. So, I will be able to afford, you know, life. I didn't see any other way to do it. I didn't intentionally decide, okay, I'm leaving Krissy, then. But being that Krissy was finishing med school in Philly and I'm here in New Jersey... I did leave her.
But to her... to her, she put up with all my shit, bailed me out when I needed it, gave me chance after chance after chance, and I just up and left like it didn't mean anything to me at all. And it did, it did mean quite a bit to me. I trust Krissy and I trust her opinions and when she says to me, "this mess wasn't your fault" I can believe her, and it means a lot to me to hear someone say that.
But I don't know, was she supposed to be more important to me than being a functional adult member of society? Was she supposed to be my everything? Does the fact that she definitely wasn't everything to me, that she wasn't more important to me than getting a better handle on my own life, mean that she couldn't possibly be "the one" for me?
Or... did it mean that the time just wasn't right? As in, maybe the time is right more like... now? That's kind of a scary thought, isn't it? And all this because I had a nice time with her last time I saw her, and now she wants to spend time with me for the holiday. I told her I didn't want to because I have this idea that I should stay away from her, but really, do I have to? If I want to spend time with her, because I like her and I like how I feel with her, well... why shouldn't I? Yeah, we were both pretty hurtful to each other. She's been very hurtful to me - very. But what I haven't written about was how she apologized - how she agreed with me that some of the things she said and did were hurtful, and how maybe me living with her (and living off her) wasn't a very healthy thing to happen in our relationship right then. She pretty much told me everything I always wished she would say, and I was just like, "whatever."
I think that may have been a mistake.
