Thanksgiving, Let Me Tell You About It
Nov. 28th, 2008 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationI wasn't going to go to my aunt and uncle's for the holiday unless some of my cousins (besides the youngest one) would be home. They weren't going to be, so I was just going to stay home. My aunt and uncle aren't my parents and I'm not their kid and I don't get along that well with my youngest cousin and I'm still kind of mad that they knew I was here last year and alone and didn't invite me over or help me out in any way, not just for the holiday but pretty much ever.
Well, yesterday I called my Aunt Jen and asked her if I could bring a friend if I came, and she said that was okay. So... this is with the friend being Krissy, of course. I think the fact that she actually called me and asked if we could get together made me feel kind of bad for her, and, besides that, I miss her. I've missed her this whole time I've been away from her.
I've known her for about four years now, and we've been around each other for some pretty serious stuff. Yeah, she was around when me and Daniel had our big... falling out, or whatever - that was kind of in the beginning of our relationship. I didn't want to leave the area because I wanted to keep seeing her, but since I couldn't live with Daniel I didn't have anywhere to live and I actually slept on a friend's couch for a while, just because I didn't want to pass up what she and I had started. I drove back and forth every week, sometimes even twice a week, when I lived with my mom. At one point we broke up, mostly due to me being obsessed with drugs, but, after some time, we got back together, and that says a lot for her. Her mother is an alcoholic - I think it'd be pretty easy not to give someone with an addiction problem a second chance. I think in her situation it'd be pretty easy to say, yeah, I know what this is. I recognize this, and I want no part of it, get out of my life.
That didn't really happen with her and me. At the time, I don't think I fully appreciated how big that was, how rare it was that she didn't just automatically dump me in the category of "people I can't stand" because of the drugs. Given how she grew up and all. When I got out of the hospital eventually we started talking again, and one thing led to another, and we were back together.
I met Krissy when she was bartending, and I was so skeptical of her attention, because, you know, isn't that the bartender's job, to act like she likes you, make you feel special, make you buy more drinks and tip her more? And I've had such a history of crushing on straight girls, who will sometimes go out on a date with me "just to see" what it's like and say they did it once - I was pretty convinced I had no chance with her. At first I didn't even believe she was really a lesbian. I figured she was just another girl wanting to experiment or something, but, what did I know, right? It turned into a lot more than an experiment.
During the time we were together her father died, and her father is the parent who raised her and actually cared about her. Her grandparents aren't living, so, really, she doesn't have any family except an older sister who is, oh, forty something I think and lives in California. I tried to be as supportive as I could when her father passed, and it was a tough time for her because, like I've said, she was going to med school, which is very intense. She was really scared she was going to have to drop out because she was so distracted over her dad dying so suddenly, and it was messing with her concentration. Understandably. Also one of her best friends, who she grew up with, was killed in Iraq, and I tried my best to be there for her through that too. So it hasn't just been her being there through all my shit - we were pretty equally there for each other.
Anyway, I was kind of surprised she called me about the holiday and I felt bad for saying no like I did, because I guess she's probably lonely. She works so much and so hard (of course) that I don't think she has much time for friends and I guess she didn't have any holiday plans at all. So I called her back and asked her to please come down here after her shift is over, and she was welcome to have dinner with my family here. She pulled some kind of crazy midnight-noon shift, and got here around two thirty, so I don't think she slept more than an hour or so.
So Krissy and I went, together, to my aunt and uncle's house, and had turkey and stuff with them and my cousins. My oldest cousin, Justin, was home (and yes, this was a surprise) and brought his girlfriend, and his two cousins (who are not my cousins, who are I think related to the pizza-parlor-not-cousins) were there, and my uncle's sister and her mother. So it was pretty many people, and Krissy had a really good time, I know she did, she kept talking about how she wished she had such a big family. I don't think my family is that big and I am not particularly close with any of those family members, but I'm glad she liked it. I thought all those people in a little house just made the house hot and stuffy.
Dinner was really good, of course, it was Thanksgiving, it's always good. My aunt made her eggplant parma because apparently Krissy and I were the only ones there of our generation that weren't vegetarian or vegan. Only the "grown ups" actually ate the turkey - all the "kids" don't eat meat, it seems. Well, my aunt makes really good eggplant parma, so I ate more of that than turkey too, now that I think about it. Huh.
There was this very surreal moment right before we ate when my uncle asked me if I would say grace, since that's my "thing," and I was kind of stunned silent for a second or two before I came out with "Our Father who art in heaven...etc."
My aunt and uncle live about four hours away from my parents. They've never been to my parents house, and when I was growing up I usually saw them for a few weeks in the summer and that was pretty much it. Every few years we'd come here for Christmas. So... really, we're not all that close. And... I guess they see me as my mother's daughter, and the whole family knows how religious my mother is, so I guess they've just been assuming that I am too, and that I would be offended if a blessing wasn't said.
The Ps aren't religious at all. My grandparents were confirmed atheists and so is my dad. My cousins went to Catholic school because their parents didn't want them in public school, but none of them are actually Catholic. I am positive none of them has ever said a prayer or a blessing or grace in their life. And the thing is... I am not religious either. I was brought up that way, so, sure, I can spout off a bible verse if necessary, but honestly, if I were really praying, I wouldn't be repeating The Lord's Prayer. I'd say something like, "dear heavenly Father, thank you for this day, thank you for this food and for bringing us all together in celebration... etc" but I haven't prayed in more years than I can count and you can bet I was super uncomfortable and there's no way I was going to say a real prayer out loud in front of my atheist family when I've kind of been ignoring God all this time anyway.
It was just... a very strange moment. Like right then it was clear to me that the Ps have been assuming all this time that I am very religious. And it was also clear that there was no way the Ps would ever guess that Krissy wasn't just a friend but my ex-girlfriend. I am sure they wouldn't have a problem with it. I just think that perhaps, if they've been assuming I'm a super-christian, they've also been assuming I'm a homophobe or something. How's that for ironic?
I got to talk to my cousin Justin for a little while, which was really great. Ryan wasn't around, but I didn't think he would be. My youngest cousin didn't say a word to me, as usual, but whatever. No sign of my dad. I was kind of nervous but also kind of looking forward to him stopping by, but it didn't happen. It was probably unlikely anyway.
Anyway, Krissy and I talked about seeing a movie tonight, but there wasn't anything playing that we wanted to see, so we watched a movie at my house instead and drank some coffee. And we talked a lot, about a lot of stuff. She's jealous of my family. I still can't get over that. But I guess she's right, I do have a big family. And the Ps do come across as being very nice. Well, the Ps are very nice - just not to me, and I know that's because my mom called them and told them all kinds of awful stuff about me, and besides, they've been really nice to me lately. I had a good time at their house - I really wasn't planning on celebrating at all, and now I've kind of got that warm and fuzzy thing going on.
Krissy, against my better judgement, has gone back to Philly. She's got to be exhausted, but she said it would be easier for her to get the drive over with now and she said she'd try to sleep when she got back before her next shift. I hope she gets home without a problem.
I would really like it if she could be my friend. I've really missed her - I really miss being around people I'm close to, people who know me the way you can only know someone if you've been around them for years. But... I don't really think we can be friends without making it complicated. I, CLEARLY, have no idea how to just be friends with someone I'm close to. OBVIOUSLY. And that hasn't turned out so well for me so far.
Well, tomorrow is my first day of work at my new holiday job, and then a whole night of work at the restaurant. It'll be a blast. I'm sure.
Well, yesterday I called my Aunt Jen and asked her if I could bring a friend if I came, and she said that was okay. So... this is with the friend being Krissy, of course. I think the fact that she actually called me and asked if we could get together made me feel kind of bad for her, and, besides that, I miss her. I've missed her this whole time I've been away from her.
I've known her for about four years now, and we've been around each other for some pretty serious stuff. Yeah, she was around when me and Daniel had our big... falling out, or whatever - that was kind of in the beginning of our relationship. I didn't want to leave the area because I wanted to keep seeing her, but since I couldn't live with Daniel I didn't have anywhere to live and I actually slept on a friend's couch for a while, just because I didn't want to pass up what she and I had started. I drove back and forth every week, sometimes even twice a week, when I lived with my mom. At one point we broke up, mostly due to me being obsessed with drugs, but, after some time, we got back together, and that says a lot for her. Her mother is an alcoholic - I think it'd be pretty easy not to give someone with an addiction problem a second chance. I think in her situation it'd be pretty easy to say, yeah, I know what this is. I recognize this, and I want no part of it, get out of my life.
That didn't really happen with her and me. At the time, I don't think I fully appreciated how big that was, how rare it was that she didn't just automatically dump me in the category of "people I can't stand" because of the drugs. Given how she grew up and all. When I got out of the hospital eventually we started talking again, and one thing led to another, and we were back together.
I met Krissy when she was bartending, and I was so skeptical of her attention, because, you know, isn't that the bartender's job, to act like she likes you, make you feel special, make you buy more drinks and tip her more? And I've had such a history of crushing on straight girls, who will sometimes go out on a date with me "just to see" what it's like and say they did it once - I was pretty convinced I had no chance with her. At first I didn't even believe she was really a lesbian. I figured she was just another girl wanting to experiment or something, but, what did I know, right? It turned into a lot more than an experiment.
During the time we were together her father died, and her father is the parent who raised her and actually cared about her. Her grandparents aren't living, so, really, she doesn't have any family except an older sister who is, oh, forty something I think and lives in California. I tried to be as supportive as I could when her father passed, and it was a tough time for her because, like I've said, she was going to med school, which is very intense. She was really scared she was going to have to drop out because she was so distracted over her dad dying so suddenly, and it was messing with her concentration. Understandably. Also one of her best friends, who she grew up with, was killed in Iraq, and I tried my best to be there for her through that too. So it hasn't just been her being there through all my shit - we were pretty equally there for each other.
Anyway, I was kind of surprised she called me about the holiday and I felt bad for saying no like I did, because I guess she's probably lonely. She works so much and so hard (of course) that I don't think she has much time for friends and I guess she didn't have any holiday plans at all. So I called her back and asked her to please come down here after her shift is over, and she was welcome to have dinner with my family here. She pulled some kind of crazy midnight-noon shift, and got here around two thirty, so I don't think she slept more than an hour or so.
So Krissy and I went, together, to my aunt and uncle's house, and had turkey and stuff with them and my cousins. My oldest cousin, Justin, was home (and yes, this was a surprise) and brought his girlfriend, and his two cousins (who are not my cousins, who are I think related to the pizza-parlor-not-cousins) were there, and my uncle's sister and her mother. So it was pretty many people, and Krissy had a really good time, I know she did, she kept talking about how she wished she had such a big family. I don't think my family is that big and I am not particularly close with any of those family members, but I'm glad she liked it. I thought all those people in a little house just made the house hot and stuffy.
Dinner was really good, of course, it was Thanksgiving, it's always good. My aunt made her eggplant parma because apparently Krissy and I were the only ones there of our generation that weren't vegetarian or vegan. Only the "grown ups" actually ate the turkey - all the "kids" don't eat meat, it seems. Well, my aunt makes really good eggplant parma, so I ate more of that than turkey too, now that I think about it. Huh.
There was this very surreal moment right before we ate when my uncle asked me if I would say grace, since that's my "thing," and I was kind of stunned silent for a second or two before I came out with "Our Father who art in heaven...etc."
My aunt and uncle live about four hours away from my parents. They've never been to my parents house, and when I was growing up I usually saw them for a few weeks in the summer and that was pretty much it. Every few years we'd come here for Christmas. So... really, we're not all that close. And... I guess they see me as my mother's daughter, and the whole family knows how religious my mother is, so I guess they've just been assuming that I am too, and that I would be offended if a blessing wasn't said.
The Ps aren't religious at all. My grandparents were confirmed atheists and so is my dad. My cousins went to Catholic school because their parents didn't want them in public school, but none of them are actually Catholic. I am positive none of them has ever said a prayer or a blessing or grace in their life. And the thing is... I am not religious either. I was brought up that way, so, sure, I can spout off a bible verse if necessary, but honestly, if I were really praying, I wouldn't be repeating The Lord's Prayer. I'd say something like, "dear heavenly Father, thank you for this day, thank you for this food and for bringing us all together in celebration... etc" but I haven't prayed in more years than I can count and you can bet I was super uncomfortable and there's no way I was going to say a real prayer out loud in front of my atheist family when I've kind of been ignoring God all this time anyway.
It was just... a very strange moment. Like right then it was clear to me that the Ps have been assuming all this time that I am very religious. And it was also clear that there was no way the Ps would ever guess that Krissy wasn't just a friend but my ex-girlfriend. I am sure they wouldn't have a problem with it. I just think that perhaps, if they've been assuming I'm a super-christian, they've also been assuming I'm a homophobe or something. How's that for ironic?
I got to talk to my cousin Justin for a little while, which was really great. Ryan wasn't around, but I didn't think he would be. My youngest cousin didn't say a word to me, as usual, but whatever. No sign of my dad. I was kind of nervous but also kind of looking forward to him stopping by, but it didn't happen. It was probably unlikely anyway.
Anyway, Krissy and I talked about seeing a movie tonight, but there wasn't anything playing that we wanted to see, so we watched a movie at my house instead and drank some coffee. And we talked a lot, about a lot of stuff. She's jealous of my family. I still can't get over that. But I guess she's right, I do have a big family. And the Ps do come across as being very nice. Well, the Ps are very nice - just not to me, and I know that's because my mom called them and told them all kinds of awful stuff about me, and besides, they've been really nice to me lately. I had a good time at their house - I really wasn't planning on celebrating at all, and now I've kind of got that warm and fuzzy thing going on.
Krissy, against my better judgement, has gone back to Philly. She's got to be exhausted, but she said it would be easier for her to get the drive over with now and she said she'd try to sleep when she got back before her next shift. I hope she gets home without a problem.
I would really like it if she could be my friend. I've really missed her - I really miss being around people I'm close to, people who know me the way you can only know someone if you've been around them for years. But... I don't really think we can be friends without making it complicated. I, CLEARLY, have no idea how to just be friends with someone I'm close to. OBVIOUSLY. And that hasn't turned out so well for me so far.
Well, tomorrow is my first day of work at my new holiday job, and then a whole night of work at the restaurant. It'll be a blast. I'm sure.
