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exhilarationWhy am I at home singing Christmas music on my front porch?
Cause I have no neighbors, and I get a kick out of the fact that I'm pretty sure that no matter how loud I am, no one can hear me :P
So... although I had a very nice time with Krissy yesterday, I don't think I should have done that. I'm not sure what I'm getting into here, but I think it's something I don't want to deal with. Yeah, she and I shared a pretty big chunk of our lives, and yeah, it does feel good to be around someone who knows me as well as she does. It's comfortable, and comfort feels nice. But... well, for one thing, I know the reason she drove all the way back to Philly last night even though she hadn't slept at all was because she didn't want to sleep over at my house (I offered, and it would have been safer for her to sleep for a few hours before driving) because... things probably would have happened. We would have hooked up, or we would have fought. Or, one, and then the other. Just like I like her as much as I ever did... I'm also just as attracted to her as I ever was. Same goes for her to me. As far as I've been able to tell, anyway. But I can't get involved with her.
How will that end? Probably the same way it ended the last THREE times we tried it: with me hurt and miserable, even when breaking up is my idea. And besides that... I think I can count myself a little bit involved with someone else. I know I'm not, really, officially, but it kind of feels that way in my head. In theory, I understand that this isn't a good idea either, I do understand that I am way too attached to someone I'm in no kind of relationship with, but... somehow that's different. Don't ask me how. It just is.
And... so... funny I should mention that, but, tonight at work B told me he spent Thanksgiving night at Jory's with her and her family, and he told her he would hang out with her tonight too. I assume she's home for Thanksgiving break or whatever... so... I specifically asked him what he was doing for the holiday, and he specifically said he was playing football. I figured that was exactly what he was doing. Now I figure he didn't want to tell me he had plans with Jory while she was home... and it gets a little stranger than that, too. Tonight at work he kind of asked me if it was okay if he hung out with her.
It went kind of like, hey, sorry, I told Jory I'd hang out with her tonight, I hope that's okay with you. (Because I asked him if he wanted to do something with me tonight, see) And he said something about how he couldn't exactly hang out with both of us at the same time... which is definitely true. Really, I wouldn't mind seeing Jory, I haven't seen her since summer and I wouldn't mind spending time with her, and I'm not as completely convinced as I previously was that she dislikes me. Except... well... IF she doesn't know about me and B already, she will find out eventually. Really, I don't talk about my love life at work, and I haven't said a word to anyone about what me and B do in our own time, but by now, I'm pretty sure everyone knows. People talk. And I don't exactly hide things either, and neither does he. And in that event - no, I guess he can't hang out with us both at the same time.
So... B may have a little bit asked me if it was okay if he spent some time with his ex. After I spent yesterday with MY ex and didn't see any reason to mention it to him, because, well, what am I going to say? I tell B most things, and I've told him a whole lot about me and Krissy, but at this point, I don't think I can exactly tell him all about what's been going on and how I've been feeling about her.
And so yes, for the record, I am just as uncomfortable with all of this as I've ever been.
And still no sign of Erica. She is officially missing, I suppose. Her parents missed her on Thanksgiving. I don't know where she is. Still hoping she's off somewhere having the time of her life, but at this point, I don't know how likely that is, because whatever she was doing, one would think she would come back for the holiday. Where would she rather be but home for Thanksgiving?
But... last time I called her phone it rang for a while before going to voicemail, which means it's not off, which means she's been charging it, which means she's SOMEWHERE, and deliberately not answering... maybe. I don't know. I found dirty plates in the blue and yellow room. I would really like to know where she is. It's really bothering me.
Anyway. I've now talked about Krissy, Bevan, and Erica. All the important people in my life, I guess. But what is going on with me? Well, I worked at the store this morning and it was very nondescript. It's a regular job. A cash register is a cash register, right? I'm working exactly two days there next week - I hope this job turns out to be worth what it costs to get to it. Still not getting as many hours as I want at the restaurant, and pretty sure I'm not going to. So that's that.
Ah yes. The Christmas music. So I was at B's a few days ago and saw he had a guitar in his closet. I asked him if he played it and he said no. I asked him if he knew how and he said only sort of. I asked him if I could play with it and he said go for it. He was playing Warcraft at the time, so he wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing anyway. And I played around on it for a little while and played a couple easy songs, and then put it back in the closet. Then I went to sleep (I was sleeping over because we both had work the next morning) and woke up, of course, at four in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep, and a very enticing idea dawned on me, and I almost woke B up at four am to discuss it with him.
I don't own a guitar. My mother does, and I learned to play on hers. I know how to play fairly well, although I haven't played in quite some time. I remember most of the chords, and if I don't remember them right away, they usually come back to me as I play. However, the last time I tried playing a guitar, I pretty much stuck to simple D-G-A stuff and played only on the high strings. That's pretty much the only way I can get it to sound okay. I can't press down hard enough on the strings to get the right sound or stretch my fingers independently of each other enough to play the harder chords. I've got some problems with my left hand - I'm actually left handed, but I have trouble holding a pencil for long periods of time, so I sometimes find it easier to write wrong-handed, too, but I draw left handed, because I guess to draw I don't hold the pencil as tightly or something - and that's pretty much the reason why I don't spend much time with musical instruments.
I can play... Puff the Magic Dragon pretty well, though, and ah... Free Fallin'. It's fun and all, but I get tired of it after a while, playing the same stuff over and over again when in my head I'm thinking of all kinds of other things I'd rather play.
So, lying on the bed-couch next to B at four in the morning, watching the cable box clock and listening to the pipes, I had a sudden epiphany.
When I play Rock Band I flip the guitar. When I played the first time I started out the right way, and about halfway into the song I was like, not happening, and flipped it. When Rich noticed I was playing backwards, he showed me there's actually a way to change the settings to left-handed playing. And that's how I've played ever since. So... can I not flip a real guitar, too? Strum with my left hand and play the chords with my right?
Have to re-string it backwards, of course, but...
So as soon as it was a decent time of day, as opposed to four am, I asked B if I could possibly re-string his guitar. Since he said himself he doesn't play it. And I did. And I've been giving myself a brain ache trying to play backwards - ITS BACKWARDS! Everything is the same except not even close - it looks weird, it feels weird, its just totally bizarre, like, sometimes visually I know exactly where the chords are but can't seem to contort my hand into the right position - it's kind of like learning to play for the first time - I remember when I was first learning guitar I thought I'd never get some of the chords, or, I'd think I had them and then strum only to find I wasn't pressing the strings hard enough - and every position seemed totally awkward and practically impossible, but, the more I played, the more natural it came until I didn't even think about it...
And sometimes I'm finding myself trying to remember certain chords and mimicking them on an imaginary guitar with my left hand, I guess that's muscle memory or something, hearing the song in my head and moving my fingers accordingly, and then thinking, ah, that's how it's played, and then trying to mirror it with my right hand... I guess I thought since I know how to play guitar it would be as easy as flipping it, just like the rock band guitar, you know, and the more I played the more it would come back to me, but it's not happening that way because I've never played BACKWARDS before, so there's nothing to come back!
Even my rendition of Puff the Magic Dragon sucks! I am the worst backwards-guitar player ever, but, it's really fun. I've gotten pretty obsessed. I haven't gotten much better, but now I've got guitar chords on my mind all the time.
Hence the Christmas music. See? Or what's supposed to be Christmas music, anyway. And if B thinks he's getting his guitar back to normal any time soon he can think again! And this will totally keep my poor brain from rotting away... right? Yeah, I often feel like I'm in danger of that happening. Not recently, though, I mean, I've been working on that NaNoWriMo project and stuff and that I'm sure helps too.
Cause I have no neighbors, and I get a kick out of the fact that I'm pretty sure that no matter how loud I am, no one can hear me :P
So... although I had a very nice time with Krissy yesterday, I don't think I should have done that. I'm not sure what I'm getting into here, but I think it's something I don't want to deal with. Yeah, she and I shared a pretty big chunk of our lives, and yeah, it does feel good to be around someone who knows me as well as she does. It's comfortable, and comfort feels nice. But... well, for one thing, I know the reason she drove all the way back to Philly last night even though she hadn't slept at all was because she didn't want to sleep over at my house (I offered, and it would have been safer for her to sleep for a few hours before driving) because... things probably would have happened. We would have hooked up, or we would have fought. Or, one, and then the other. Just like I like her as much as I ever did... I'm also just as attracted to her as I ever was. Same goes for her to me. As far as I've been able to tell, anyway. But I can't get involved with her.
How will that end? Probably the same way it ended the last THREE times we tried it: with me hurt and miserable, even when breaking up is my idea. And besides that... I think I can count myself a little bit involved with someone else. I know I'm not, really, officially, but it kind of feels that way in my head. In theory, I understand that this isn't a good idea either, I do understand that I am way too attached to someone I'm in no kind of relationship with, but... somehow that's different. Don't ask me how. It just is.
And... so... funny I should mention that, but, tonight at work B told me he spent Thanksgiving night at Jory's with her and her family, and he told her he would hang out with her tonight too. I assume she's home for Thanksgiving break or whatever... so... I specifically asked him what he was doing for the holiday, and he specifically said he was playing football. I figured that was exactly what he was doing. Now I figure he didn't want to tell me he had plans with Jory while she was home... and it gets a little stranger than that, too. Tonight at work he kind of asked me if it was okay if he hung out with her.
It went kind of like, hey, sorry, I told Jory I'd hang out with her tonight, I hope that's okay with you. (Because I asked him if he wanted to do something with me tonight, see) And he said something about how he couldn't exactly hang out with both of us at the same time... which is definitely true. Really, I wouldn't mind seeing Jory, I haven't seen her since summer and I wouldn't mind spending time with her, and I'm not as completely convinced as I previously was that she dislikes me. Except... well... IF she doesn't know about me and B already, she will find out eventually. Really, I don't talk about my love life at work, and I haven't said a word to anyone about what me and B do in our own time, but by now, I'm pretty sure everyone knows. People talk. And I don't exactly hide things either, and neither does he. And in that event - no, I guess he can't hang out with us both at the same time.
So... B may have a little bit asked me if it was okay if he spent some time with his ex. After I spent yesterday with MY ex and didn't see any reason to mention it to him, because, well, what am I going to say? I tell B most things, and I've told him a whole lot about me and Krissy, but at this point, I don't think I can exactly tell him all about what's been going on and how I've been feeling about her.
And so yes, for the record, I am just as uncomfortable with all of this as I've ever been.
And still no sign of Erica. She is officially missing, I suppose. Her parents missed her on Thanksgiving. I don't know where she is. Still hoping she's off somewhere having the time of her life, but at this point, I don't know how likely that is, because whatever she was doing, one would think she would come back for the holiday. Where would she rather be but home for Thanksgiving?
But... last time I called her phone it rang for a while before going to voicemail, which means it's not off, which means she's been charging it, which means she's SOMEWHERE, and deliberately not answering... maybe. I don't know. I found dirty plates in the blue and yellow room. I would really like to know where she is. It's really bothering me.
Anyway. I've now talked about Krissy, Bevan, and Erica. All the important people in my life, I guess. But what is going on with me? Well, I worked at the store this morning and it was very nondescript. It's a regular job. A cash register is a cash register, right? I'm working exactly two days there next week - I hope this job turns out to be worth what it costs to get to it. Still not getting as many hours as I want at the restaurant, and pretty sure I'm not going to. So that's that.
Ah yes. The Christmas music. So I was at B's a few days ago and saw he had a guitar in his closet. I asked him if he played it and he said no. I asked him if he knew how and he said only sort of. I asked him if I could play with it and he said go for it. He was playing Warcraft at the time, so he wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing anyway. And I played around on it for a little while and played a couple easy songs, and then put it back in the closet. Then I went to sleep (I was sleeping over because we both had work the next morning) and woke up, of course, at four in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep, and a very enticing idea dawned on me, and I almost woke B up at four am to discuss it with him.
I don't own a guitar. My mother does, and I learned to play on hers. I know how to play fairly well, although I haven't played in quite some time. I remember most of the chords, and if I don't remember them right away, they usually come back to me as I play. However, the last time I tried playing a guitar, I pretty much stuck to simple D-G-A stuff and played only on the high strings. That's pretty much the only way I can get it to sound okay. I can't press down hard enough on the strings to get the right sound or stretch my fingers independently of each other enough to play the harder chords. I've got some problems with my left hand - I'm actually left handed, but I have trouble holding a pencil for long periods of time, so I sometimes find it easier to write wrong-handed, too, but I draw left handed, because I guess to draw I don't hold the pencil as tightly or something - and that's pretty much the reason why I don't spend much time with musical instruments.
I can play... Puff the Magic Dragon pretty well, though, and ah... Free Fallin'. It's fun and all, but I get tired of it after a while, playing the same stuff over and over again when in my head I'm thinking of all kinds of other things I'd rather play.
So, lying on the bed-couch next to B at four in the morning, watching the cable box clock and listening to the pipes, I had a sudden epiphany.
When I play Rock Band I flip the guitar. When I played the first time I started out the right way, and about halfway into the song I was like, not happening, and flipped it. When Rich noticed I was playing backwards, he showed me there's actually a way to change the settings to left-handed playing. And that's how I've played ever since. So... can I not flip a real guitar, too? Strum with my left hand and play the chords with my right?
Have to re-string it backwards, of course, but...
So as soon as it was a decent time of day, as opposed to four am, I asked B if I could possibly re-string his guitar. Since he said himself he doesn't play it. And I did. And I've been giving myself a brain ache trying to play backwards - ITS BACKWARDS! Everything is the same except not even close - it looks weird, it feels weird, its just totally bizarre, like, sometimes visually I know exactly where the chords are but can't seem to contort my hand into the right position - it's kind of like learning to play for the first time - I remember when I was first learning guitar I thought I'd never get some of the chords, or, I'd think I had them and then strum only to find I wasn't pressing the strings hard enough - and every position seemed totally awkward and practically impossible, but, the more I played, the more natural it came until I didn't even think about it...
And sometimes I'm finding myself trying to remember certain chords and mimicking them on an imaginary guitar with my left hand, I guess that's muscle memory or something, hearing the song in my head and moving my fingers accordingly, and then thinking, ah, that's how it's played, and then trying to mirror it with my right hand... I guess I thought since I know how to play guitar it would be as easy as flipping it, just like the rock band guitar, you know, and the more I played the more it would come back to me, but it's not happening that way because I've never played BACKWARDS before, so there's nothing to come back!
Even my rendition of Puff the Magic Dragon sucks! I am the worst backwards-guitar player ever, but, it's really fun. I've gotten pretty obsessed. I haven't gotten much better, but now I've got guitar chords on my mind all the time.
Hence the Christmas music. See? Or what's supposed to be Christmas music, anyway. And if B thinks he's getting his guitar back to normal any time soon he can think again! And this will totally keep my poor brain from rotting away... right? Yeah, I often feel like I'm in danger of that happening. Not recently, though, I mean, I've been working on that NaNoWriMo project and stuff and that I'm sure helps too.
