Oh My Poor Brain + Other Stuff
Jan. 22nd, 2009 10:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationI dunno why I have to be the kind of person who is just pulled every which way - some people know what they want in life and go for it, and some people kind of go where life takes them, and CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE (like me) always feel like they should be doing something else.
You know, people identify what they're good at and what they have a passion for, and focus their lives on that... even if their passion is snowboarding, like my cousin Ryan - no one would say he's particularly successful, I mean, he didn't do well in school, never went to college, never had a "real" job (but did plenty of odd jobs all over the place) but still, he knows what he wants from life and goes for it. He's got something driving him, he's got his big plans, he's got it all worked out.
I don't know what I'm good at or what I have a passion for except for what's become a very vague and unreliable notion that I'm very intelligent. I mean, I am very intelligent, and half the time, I feel like keeping this fact a secret. Truth is, when I was a kid, I was tested and found to be completely off the charts. When I was in elementary school I didn't have to sit through class with the other kids, I got to go to a special program with only five of us and we got to study whatever we wanted, as long as someone was supervising us and making sure, you know, that we were actually working on stuff and not screwing around or something. By the time I was in third grade I could read anything and did, including Crime and Punishment and yes, I understood it. I took my SATs when I was in seventh grade and scored a 1570, so, yes, I really truly am that intelligent. I say this is vague and unreliable because, come on, where has all this intelligence gotten me besides utterly dissatisfied with everything I encounter?
I dropped out of high school, which I think was a good choice and I'd do it again. But I also dropped out of college, which... I mean, I know why I did it at the time. I just wish I hadn't. I wish things had been different, way different and I could have finished. Cause I feel like my poor brain is just rotting away here. I don't want to sound stuck up, but, not only am I smarter than pretty much every one I encounter, where I am now and working where I do I feel like I'm on some other planet. So no, I don't want anyone to know that I ever even went to college, and no, I don't want anyone to know how smart I really am, because that gets me the immediate response of "WELL THEN WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, GO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR LIFE!"
What's worthwhile, anyway? I'd do it if I could figure out what it was, I swear.
I think this has a lot to do with why I wanted to be a teacher, I think I figured, well, if I don't know what I want to do for me, then, instead of being a useless lump, I'll do what I can for someone else.
And here I am a useless lump.
What brought this on? Oh well, ever since I read that massive Harry Potter fanfic by Cassandra Claire, I've been wanting to write my own - I can write my own Draco fanfic and plagiarize none of it and it'll prolly be just as good as hers... right? (I dunno about that, I hardly ever write anymore, but I think I'd enjoy trying) So I've decided to do a HP re-read and take copious notes along the way for my big massive fic project - oh, if only I could have harnessed this ambition, you know, in school because as much as I love fanfic, as much as I think the community element is amazing and without compare... really, who reads fanfic? It's not something you can really tell anyone and expect any kind of credibility. What do you do? Oh well right now I'm writing a Harry Potter fanfiction... yeah, no, not really. Might as well say, "oh, I'm writing a novel," as so many wannabe-authors do, only, yeah, when you meet that one person who says "oh I'd love to read it!" um, what are you going to show them? Your HP fic?
Yeah.
You know, people identify what they're good at and what they have a passion for, and focus their lives on that... even if their passion is snowboarding, like my cousin Ryan - no one would say he's particularly successful, I mean, he didn't do well in school, never went to college, never had a "real" job (but did plenty of odd jobs all over the place) but still, he knows what he wants from life and goes for it. He's got something driving him, he's got his big plans, he's got it all worked out.
I don't know what I'm good at or what I have a passion for except for what's become a very vague and unreliable notion that I'm very intelligent. I mean, I am very intelligent, and half the time, I feel like keeping this fact a secret. Truth is, when I was a kid, I was tested and found to be completely off the charts. When I was in elementary school I didn't have to sit through class with the other kids, I got to go to a special program with only five of us and we got to study whatever we wanted, as long as someone was supervising us and making sure, you know, that we were actually working on stuff and not screwing around or something. By the time I was in third grade I could read anything and did, including Crime and Punishment and yes, I understood it. I took my SATs when I was in seventh grade and scored a 1570, so, yes, I really truly am that intelligent. I say this is vague and unreliable because, come on, where has all this intelligence gotten me besides utterly dissatisfied with everything I encounter?
I dropped out of high school, which I think was a good choice and I'd do it again. But I also dropped out of college, which... I mean, I know why I did it at the time. I just wish I hadn't. I wish things had been different, way different and I could have finished. Cause I feel like my poor brain is just rotting away here. I don't want to sound stuck up, but, not only am I smarter than pretty much every one I encounter, where I am now and working where I do I feel like I'm on some other planet. So no, I don't want anyone to know that I ever even went to college, and no, I don't want anyone to know how smart I really am, because that gets me the immediate response of "WELL THEN WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, GO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR LIFE!"
What's worthwhile, anyway? I'd do it if I could figure out what it was, I swear.
I think this has a lot to do with why I wanted to be a teacher, I think I figured, well, if I don't know what I want to do for me, then, instead of being a useless lump, I'll do what I can for someone else.
And here I am a useless lump.
What brought this on? Oh well, ever since I read that massive Harry Potter fanfic by Cassandra Claire, I've been wanting to write my own - I can write my own Draco fanfic and plagiarize none of it and it'll prolly be just as good as hers... right? (I dunno about that, I hardly ever write anymore, but I think I'd enjoy trying) So I've decided to do a HP re-read and take copious notes along the way for my big massive fic project - oh, if only I could have harnessed this ambition, you know, in school because as much as I love fanfic, as much as I think the community element is amazing and without compare... really, who reads fanfic? It's not something you can really tell anyone and expect any kind of credibility. What do you do? Oh well right now I'm writing a Harry Potter fanfiction... yeah, no, not really. Might as well say, "oh, I'm writing a novel," as so many wannabe-authors do, only, yeah, when you meet that one person who says "oh I'd love to read it!" um, what are you going to show them? Your HP fic?
Yeah.
