Lara I.

So... I am supposed to be at work right now.

I'm not. I'm at home.

I worked last night and I worked this morning/afternoon, but finally I asked around to see if anyone would stay and work my shift tonight - Kimmy, my faithful non-stupid hostess buddy, eventually agreed. She really didn't want to, but something along the line changed her mind.

Me and B work together, see. And, to put it clearly and concisely, neither of us is dealing with the other very well right now. The awkwardness... I can feel it... suffocating me...

Ok ok I admit it, I am overdramatizing here. I'm not suffocating. But it's like I don't even want to look at him, I just want to do my job and not think about him, but he's right there, and he's not looking at me either, and when we have to talk to each other it's just like... nails on a chalkboard or something.

But I had a nice time in Philly with Krissy and D. We went out to dinner with D and his friend, but he went home right after because he was having trouble breathing. Krissy and I were not at each other's throats nor were we particularly awful to each other in any way. It was actually pretty nice spending time with her. I mean, I like her. I've always liked her. We get along. And she's known me for years - she's been around (if not flat out there for me) through a lot of shit. Even if we're a terrible couple, even if sometimes I don't want to talk to her or have anything to do with her, she's still a good friend.

I didn't tell Krissy a single thing about me and B, though, because I just don't want to hear what she has to say about any of that.

Which is kinda funny because she's one person who's opinion I really trust.

I just didn't want to hear it.

Instead we had a big long discussion about me coming back to Philadelphia. Not about us getting back together, or ever dating ever again - I kind of got the impression that she's involved with someone anyway. It was more like... big sister advice or something (Krissy is four years older than I am, so that's kind of fair...)

( I took a great big gamble and I'm still not sure if I'm winning or not )

And of course the only coffee shop is... the one I got fired from...

I don't know, I'm just feeling totally stuck here. The plan was always that I'd just stick it out. It wouldn't be fun and I wouldn't enjoy it, but in the end, it would be worth it, because I'd have two income properties to show for it. Now I think I'm at the point where I don't have to choose between the two. And one of the main reasons I couldn't stay in Philly to begin with was that it cost too much to live there. I wouldn't have that problem now because... right, I have the income from upstairs, and by next summer, I'll have at least the income from upstairs and down here, even if the other house isn't ready.

So... I don't have to stay... do I?

Ok so one day a few years ago when I still lived with Daniel he was doing something in the corner behind his computer, like with the guts of it or something, and he asked me to pick up his phone and make a phone call for him. Fine. So at the time he had his phone programed to dial on voice command, and so he told me what to say to get it to call. He liked it that way cause he said it made him feel Star Trek-ish to say "call Jay" and the phone would call her. Also fine.

Except for the phone wouldn't recognize my voice! I had to give up and dial her from, you know, pushing buttons and the like.

This just furthers the theory that I talk funny. I don't think I sound different. There's no reason why I should sound different - I used to have a little bit of a stutter but the older I get the less it happens - I speak, as far as I can tell, exactly the same as everyone else. I have no type of speech impediment. Just, voice recognition stuff can't even hear me. It doesn't even process that I'm speaking!

I went to Philly yesterday, back to my old 'hood, to visit a friend that lived down the street from us. He had just gotten home from the hospital - he got shot, oh, sometimes last fall, and he had been in the hospital ever since. It's a pretty sad story - he is basically going to need someone to take care of him for the rest of his life. He's not, like, my bestest friend ever, but we lived on the same block, and we'd hang out pretty often, you know, have a few beers together, order take out, sit on the porch, you know, all that EOL stuff.

( I wish this was a cute story but really it's just regular old life )

So we sat on the porch. The back porch, the one where they built the ramp. (Not even the same house - he's staying with his parents, they live in a different part of the neighborhood) Couple other peeps from down the street came over with a couple pizzas. We drank some beers. Well, I drank my beer from one hand and held my friend's beer for him and tried my damnedest not to spill it when I tilted it back. The first nurse left early, the night nurse arrived late. We went inside. We locked the door so the nurse would have to knock. We watched some weird freak-nasty porn. This was the routine back in the day, see, when we lived down the street from each other and my friend could hold his own beer. Yes, freak-nasty porn, and on that big TV, too. But it wasn't a single thing like old times. It wasn't a bit like old times.

So, I had this idea last night that maybe I should see a doctor. You know, a woman doctor, an obgyn. Since I've become suddenly a sexually active person again. It would be the health-conscious thing to do, right?

Really, I'm not too worried about myself here. I suppose you can get pregnant from having sex one time, but it would be unlikely at this point in my monthly cycle. I'm actually quite regular. I suppose you can definitely catch a disease from having sex one time, and I suppose it's possible that B could have given me something, but it's about equally possible that I gave him something, for that matter.

It's just... the whole event has unsettled me so badly, and I really have no one to talk to about it. It's not like I have friends to confide in or anything. So I went to the clinic in Philly where I used to go when I lived nearby, and I've been there a few times since moving here, too, because usually they're really good there, and they have all my info on file and everything. Being that going to the doctor is not exactly my most favorite thing to do in the first place, I figured, I might as well go somewhere where I'm comfortable, and not go somewhere new and have to deal with a whole bunch of "new patient" crap and possibly have a bad experience to start with, never mind that it's not like I'm a patient on file anywhere around here so it's not like I could actually get an appointment with anyone...

( Oh, I'll cut this, it's gotten kinda long... )