Complete Dissatisfaction
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exhilarationI still can't believe I went to a strip club and I still can't believe how much I enjoyed it, despite being uncomfortable with being there...
That's not the source of my dissatisfaction.
So today I came home from work (I took the trolley, cause Erica did not come pick me up, cause 'we're fighting.' We have spoken since last week - it just didn't go well. Whatever. She is under no obligation to come pick me up from work every week anyway.) and went upstairs to clean up after the weekend's renters. The new ones are up there already right now. I've been really, really lucky at how well people have been keeping the place. I'm kinda scared every time I go up there that I'm going to find something missing or trashed or otherwise horrible. Basically the worst think I've encountered has been food left in the fridge. I think people leave stuff in there cause they think they're doing the next occupants a favor (or they rationalize not wanting to throw stuff out that way) but really, I can't leave it in there - you wanna rent a shore house for the week and find stuff already in the fridge? That's just nasty. But I hate throwing food away.
Strangely, beer never seems to get left behind :P
With the exception of that mystery Guinness, that is.
I was planning on then coming back down here and cleaning my own house - I really need to do that. I've been telling myself that I can live however I want, I live alone, it's not like I have a room mate who's desires for cleanliness need to be respected. It's not like it's so filthy down here that the board of heath is going to stamp and "unlivable" notice on my front door (kinda like what's posted on the door of my other house, the one I'm still stalled on fixing up because of local county BS...). If I don't mind the mess, then what's the big deal, right?
At first it was kinda relaxing not having to worry about making a mess and picking stuff up. Daniel used to be literally psycho about that kind of thing. He would throw my stuff out if I left it out. He'd do stuff like, if I left dishes in the sink he'd wake me up and make me go wash them RIGHT THEN or omg the world was going to end. I don't need to be that extreme. But seriously, people have been coming to my house a whole lot more than I ever expected, and I'm starting to understand why: one, I live right next to the beach. Two, I live alone, so there's no parents or room mates to wake up or annoy. Once people realized that I live alone and that I own this house, they seem to be really into coming over. I still don't know what to think about the percentage of people I know around here who live with their parents. My opinion on that is still pending.
I didn't clean up down here. I went to sleep instead - I just woke up.
I hate my jobs and I hate having two of them. I had decided that it's going to suck and I'm just going to have to do it anyway, just for the summer, because I need as much money as I can get, and every little bit counts. And I DO need to just do it anyway. But it's getting to be a bit much.
I can't seem to get enough sleep - I'm on pretty much the same sleep schedule as I was this Winter, but I feel like it just isn't working for me anymore. I'm always exhausted and I sleep through my alarm a couple times a week - I never did that shit before and I know it's cause I'm not sleeping enough. Usually I get up at three thirty or four am and I'm home and sleeping again by noon, and then by two or three or possibly four I'm on my way to work again, and then I'm home by two am.
It's not going to the bar after work that's doing me in, either. My restaurant closes at midnight, and at one am on the weekends. Usually I get done by about twelve thirty, unless I get out early (and "early" is around ten pm or so) and then of course I have to wait for a ride, so it's completely possible that I don't even leave until one anyway. I'd spend an hour at the bar, tops, and have one or possibly two drinks, and it's just the same amount of unwinding that I'd be doing at home. I can't come home from a job as high-energy as the restaurant and go straight to sleep anyway.
What's been getting me, I think, is hanging out with Erica in the afternoons instead of taking a nap. Obviously she wants to hang out cause she gets up at eleven in the morning and wants to do something, and, oh, how about that, I'm around and she has no job so she can do whatever she wants with her day. She picks me up from work - I can't really refuse a ride, now can I? Sometimes she even drops me off at the restaurant, too. But then I miss those few hours of sleep that recharge me for the second round of working.
And that's just ridiculous. I'm basically not getting a reasonable amount of sleep by any standards, and I work so many hours at such odd times that I have to sacrifice social time to get sleep and I really hate doing that. Being social doesn't exactly come naturally to me and when I find people that actually make an effort to hang out with me, I really don't want to pass that up either.
But I'm gonna stick this out. I have to. I am in so much debt that I'm never, ever going to pay it off - that's pretty much a fact. All I can do is manage the debt, and that's pretty much it. And I'm about to be in even more - I'm going to take out a home loan on the other house, too, so I can use that money to fix up that house, so eventually I'll be renting out two floors of two houses (with the idea being that by then I'll be outta this place) and by then I'll be all set. I'll have debt, yeah, of course, but I'll be making my payments and still living decently, kinda like people who buy a house are in debt for like thirty years, and they're cool with it, and I really can't hope for more than that.
But that's a ways away yet, and I need money NOW.
And I hate my jobs. These are the stupidest, most boring jobs I've ever had, and some of the worst-paying, too. Well, the coffee shop is the worst, actually. I've never had a job that payed minimum wage before. And I'm starting to get so sick of my coworkers - they're all high school girls with heads full of air, they can't figure anything out, even our own menu - how long have they been working there? They shouldn't have to ask me if we have toffee nut syrup when a customer asks them. It shouldn't go like this:
Customer: I'll have a grande toffee nut latte
Co-worker: A what?
Customer: Toffee nut, you have that, right?
Co-worker, turning to me: Do we have toffee whatever?
Me: No, that's Starbucks. We can do vanilla and caramel, that's pretty similar, though.
Customer: ok, I'll take that, thanks.
I shouldn't have been included in that conversation! It's an easy, easy job! No one should be coming to me with simple questions about what we do and do not have - you stare at it all freakin' day! Pay attention!
I'm sick of the job - I'm sick of standing at a cash register with a never ending line of people to ring up. I'm sick of writing on cups, passing them over, and then having my co-workers bring the cup back asking how to make whatever it is. I'm sick of customers huffing and puffing with impatience that we're not a freakin' McDonald's and don't have their order immediately, and I'm sick of pulling drink after drink after never ending drink, especially stupid drinks, like non-fat lattes with extra whip cream - if you're watching your fat intake, don't get freakin' whip cream! I'm sick of them leaning over the counter directing me how to make their drinks, especially when it's not even their drink that I'm making. I hate being told to step it up when I'm making drinks - I don't make them slow, it's just that each one takes time to make, and I make them in order, no matter now much noise you make, I'm not making someone else wait longer just because you're super rude and impatient. I hate having people butt back in line when I'm ringing people up to tell me that they didn't get their drink yet - do I look like I'm anywhere near the drinks? No, I'm behind the register, and I haven't budged from this spot in HOURS.
I hate when people talk about us, me OR the other girls, right in front of us, and oh! Here's a real story:
So, I was talking to some customers about the boardwalk, cause they were asking me questions. Well, first they asked me if I spoke Spanish. (I was making drinks, so it's not like I needed to be talking to anyone else) and when they realized I did, they started asking me all sorts of stuff about the music pier and the amusement parks and the mini-golf and ALL THE GOOD STUFF, and I was answering them as best as I could, and then SOME OTHER CUSTOMER makes some snotty comment about how you'd think they'd at least hire people who speak English and NO WONDER their drink was taking so long.
I was FUCKING FURIOUS and I was pretty sure the woman who was talking belonged to the drink I just made -
No, I didn't do anything shady to her drink. I would never, ever do that. I swear. That is NOT the way to make the world a better place. You don't treat others the way they treat you, you treat others the way you WANT them to treat you. It doesn't always work, but if EVERYONE did that, it would.
-and so I said, in perfect English (of course my English is perfect, I was born here, you know - if I have an accent it's a Central Pennsylvania accent. It's Spanish that I speak with an accent...) this is your [whatever ridiculous drink], isn't it? I'm so sorry about the wait, there were about five people in front of you, you know.
She didn't look me in the eye, but it wasn't because she was embarrassed by what she said, she just didn't care. She was totally unphased.
I was fucking phased.
And to the tourists I had been talking to (who I guess were South American - Puerto Ricans usually speak English and they didn't speak with a Mexican accent) I loudly apologized for how rude certain Americans can be - which wasn't even necessary cause it's not like anyone was being rude to them but it's kind of a phrase you can understand whether you know any Spanish or not.
If that was my only job, it would be different. I could just brush off all the stupid daily incidents. But it's not. I've got another equally stupid job (that does pay a bit better, though...) that's just as frustrating. People grabbing the wait list out of my hands, people asking why they can't sit at the open table they see when there is clearly a lobby full of people who were there before them, people actually bringing their food to me at the host stand to show me it's burnt, as if there's something I can do about it... ask your server for a manager, idiot. Then there's people who stand at the host stand with their checks and interrupt me when I'm speaking to people who have been waiting in line to put their name in to tell me they'd like to pay, and I'm like, do you see a cash register here? Can you read? Can you read the bottom of your check where it says PLEASE PAY SERVER? Go back to your table! No, actually I say, "oh, you need to go back to your table, your server is probably looking for you, you need to pay them, not up here."
There's the people who claim they've been waiting an hour and a half when they've been there for twenty minutes, too, gotta love them.
And then of course there are the people who speak to me like I'm an idiot, speaking slowly and loudly in the most condescending tones, and ask me to repeat stuff back to them and ask me if I understand them, and act as if obviously I'm going to screw something up, or someone else is going to screw something up and they're obviously going to have a terrible experience if they don't speak up and clarify that THEY ARE VIPS right away. And before anyone can make any assumptions here, I don't think people talk to me this way because I'm disabled. I don't think they can even tell since I'm standing behind a podium and usually just using one crutch. It's not exactly invisible, it's just that people aren't very observant. They're more interested in seeing the wait list that I'm holding so they can decide for themselves how long they'll be waiting for a table.
People talk to me that way because they're rude, arrogant, and condescending, and probably because they take one look at me and see that I'm doing a kid job, a "her first job" kind of job, that's simple and insanely easy, and yet I'm not a kid, so they assume I must be mentally deficient. That's what I think it is. And it's pretty difficult to be friendly and welcoming and polite to people who interact with me that way. I dunno, the other hosts don't seem to find it as frustrating as I do, and I'm older than all of them, so I don't know how much that as to say for maturity or age or how much I've got it together compared to the rest of them. Probably nothing good.
And then on top of all that, there's the incessant babble over the headset - it's pretty hard to talk to someone when there's all kinds of stuff going on in my ear, relevant or not. I mean, it's either something like, can I get table ten bussed, table twenty five is available, can someone bring me a high chair to table thirty one, do you have a large party for table fifteen and sixteen or should I break it apart, the kitchen is crashing, you need to slow down on the seating, I need a menu count, etc, OR it's something totally absurd, like, check out the rack on table twelve, check out the crack on table forty two, hey, anyone want an apple martini, there was a mis-ring at the bar, man, I wish I had eaten dinner this afternoon, I'm starving, hey, who's in for a pitcher of beer tonight, omg, [some celebrity] is on the TV, check out how hot she is, etc.
It's driving me insane. These are THE WORST jobs I've ever had.
I have skills that go beyond this kind of crap. I'm really smart. I can pick things up quickly - I can learn a job really fast and be really accurate. I'm reliable (for now) and I'm honest, I'm not going to steal from the company or anything. I've got good communication skills - the stuff I say makes sense, and so does the stuff I write. These are good qualities that a disturbing amount of people seem to be lacking. But at the same time - I've got no documented skills and no degree. That hasn't really been a problem for me before but it's starting to be a problem now. Clearly.
I worked in an art gallery in Philly - that was a good job. I worked in an art gallery in Europe, too, and that's pretty much how I got the job in Philly. I know a lot about art cause I've pretty much grown up around artists and art and artsy people, and I've studied it on my own, and I sometimes attempt to make my own art. So I was good at the job and liked it too. Cause I learn stuff quickly I also worked in the framing shop that was part of the gallery - I made commission and I was good at that part of the job too. It wasn't the best job ever and it didn't pay much better than my restaurant job now. Actually, I think it paid less. But it didn't drive me up the wall with boredom and inanity and frustration.
And I left that job to come here.
Go figure.
Now I feel like my brain is just rotting away doing these boring easy jobs and then coming home and reading fanfic and stuff in my free time. And it's kind of starting to worry me - how long is this going to be going on? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to go back to college, so... this is what it's going to be like, isn't it? I'm never going to have an interesting, stimulating, challenging job. That was the whole point of the houses, so that I could make money off them, because I knew I'd never have a job that payed me enough to live off comfortably, because I have no skills and no degree.
Sometimes I think like I've got it together now, I'm pretty responsible and maybe I'm a little more mature than I was, and maybe I could finish school, maybe if I just went part time, maybe if I just started with one class... and then I'm like, no, the only reason I feel like I'm so together is because I'm not utterly failing at anything, like, oh, going to class and doing the work, because there is no work to do.
Ok, I'm about ranted out now, sorry for that.
What does it say about me that I intend to spend my evening reading SPN fanfic while watching SPN?
That's not the source of my dissatisfaction.
So today I came home from work (I took the trolley, cause Erica did not come pick me up, cause 'we're fighting.' We have spoken since last week - it just didn't go well. Whatever. She is under no obligation to come pick me up from work every week anyway.) and went upstairs to clean up after the weekend's renters. The new ones are up there already right now. I've been really, really lucky at how well people have been keeping the place. I'm kinda scared every time I go up there that I'm going to find something missing or trashed or otherwise horrible. Basically the worst think I've encountered has been food left in the fridge. I think people leave stuff in there cause they think they're doing the next occupants a favor (or they rationalize not wanting to throw stuff out that way) but really, I can't leave it in there - you wanna rent a shore house for the week and find stuff already in the fridge? That's just nasty. But I hate throwing food away.
Strangely, beer never seems to get left behind :P
With the exception of that mystery Guinness, that is.
I was planning on then coming back down here and cleaning my own house - I really need to do that. I've been telling myself that I can live however I want, I live alone, it's not like I have a room mate who's desires for cleanliness need to be respected. It's not like it's so filthy down here that the board of heath is going to stamp and "unlivable" notice on my front door (kinda like what's posted on the door of my other house, the one I'm still stalled on fixing up because of local county BS...). If I don't mind the mess, then what's the big deal, right?
At first it was kinda relaxing not having to worry about making a mess and picking stuff up. Daniel used to be literally psycho about that kind of thing. He would throw my stuff out if I left it out. He'd do stuff like, if I left dishes in the sink he'd wake me up and make me go wash them RIGHT THEN or omg the world was going to end. I don't need to be that extreme. But seriously, people have been coming to my house a whole lot more than I ever expected, and I'm starting to understand why: one, I live right next to the beach. Two, I live alone, so there's no parents or room mates to wake up or annoy. Once people realized that I live alone and that I own this house, they seem to be really into coming over. I still don't know what to think about the percentage of people I know around here who live with their parents. My opinion on that is still pending.
I didn't clean up down here. I went to sleep instead - I just woke up.
I hate my jobs and I hate having two of them. I had decided that it's going to suck and I'm just going to have to do it anyway, just for the summer, because I need as much money as I can get, and every little bit counts. And I DO need to just do it anyway. But it's getting to be a bit much.
I can't seem to get enough sleep - I'm on pretty much the same sleep schedule as I was this Winter, but I feel like it just isn't working for me anymore. I'm always exhausted and I sleep through my alarm a couple times a week - I never did that shit before and I know it's cause I'm not sleeping enough. Usually I get up at three thirty or four am and I'm home and sleeping again by noon, and then by two or three or possibly four I'm on my way to work again, and then I'm home by two am.
It's not going to the bar after work that's doing me in, either. My restaurant closes at midnight, and at one am on the weekends. Usually I get done by about twelve thirty, unless I get out early (and "early" is around ten pm or so) and then of course I have to wait for a ride, so it's completely possible that I don't even leave until one anyway. I'd spend an hour at the bar, tops, and have one or possibly two drinks, and it's just the same amount of unwinding that I'd be doing at home. I can't come home from a job as high-energy as the restaurant and go straight to sleep anyway.
What's been getting me, I think, is hanging out with Erica in the afternoons instead of taking a nap. Obviously she wants to hang out cause she gets up at eleven in the morning and wants to do something, and, oh, how about that, I'm around and she has no job so she can do whatever she wants with her day. She picks me up from work - I can't really refuse a ride, now can I? Sometimes she even drops me off at the restaurant, too. But then I miss those few hours of sleep that recharge me for the second round of working.
And that's just ridiculous. I'm basically not getting a reasonable amount of sleep by any standards, and I work so many hours at such odd times that I have to sacrifice social time to get sleep and I really hate doing that. Being social doesn't exactly come naturally to me and when I find people that actually make an effort to hang out with me, I really don't want to pass that up either.
But I'm gonna stick this out. I have to. I am in so much debt that I'm never, ever going to pay it off - that's pretty much a fact. All I can do is manage the debt, and that's pretty much it. And I'm about to be in even more - I'm going to take out a home loan on the other house, too, so I can use that money to fix up that house, so eventually I'll be renting out two floors of two houses (with the idea being that by then I'll be outta this place) and by then I'll be all set. I'll have debt, yeah, of course, but I'll be making my payments and still living decently, kinda like people who buy a house are in debt for like thirty years, and they're cool with it, and I really can't hope for more than that.
But that's a ways away yet, and I need money NOW.
And I hate my jobs. These are the stupidest, most boring jobs I've ever had, and some of the worst-paying, too. Well, the coffee shop is the worst, actually. I've never had a job that payed minimum wage before. And I'm starting to get so sick of my coworkers - they're all high school girls with heads full of air, they can't figure anything out, even our own menu - how long have they been working there? They shouldn't have to ask me if we have toffee nut syrup when a customer asks them. It shouldn't go like this:
Customer: I'll have a grande toffee nut latte
Co-worker: A what?
Customer: Toffee nut, you have that, right?
Co-worker, turning to me: Do we have toffee whatever?
Me: No, that's Starbucks. We can do vanilla and caramel, that's pretty similar, though.
Customer: ok, I'll take that, thanks.
I shouldn't have been included in that conversation! It's an easy, easy job! No one should be coming to me with simple questions about what we do and do not have - you stare at it all freakin' day! Pay attention!
I'm sick of the job - I'm sick of standing at a cash register with a never ending line of people to ring up. I'm sick of writing on cups, passing them over, and then having my co-workers bring the cup back asking how to make whatever it is. I'm sick of customers huffing and puffing with impatience that we're not a freakin' McDonald's and don't have their order immediately, and I'm sick of pulling drink after drink after never ending drink, especially stupid drinks, like non-fat lattes with extra whip cream - if you're watching your fat intake, don't get freakin' whip cream! I'm sick of them leaning over the counter directing me how to make their drinks, especially when it's not even their drink that I'm making. I hate being told to step it up when I'm making drinks - I don't make them slow, it's just that each one takes time to make, and I make them in order, no matter now much noise you make, I'm not making someone else wait longer just because you're super rude and impatient. I hate having people butt back in line when I'm ringing people up to tell me that they didn't get their drink yet - do I look like I'm anywhere near the drinks? No, I'm behind the register, and I haven't budged from this spot in HOURS.
I hate when people talk about us, me OR the other girls, right in front of us, and oh! Here's a real story:
So, I was talking to some customers about the boardwalk, cause they were asking me questions. Well, first they asked me if I spoke Spanish. (I was making drinks, so it's not like I needed to be talking to anyone else) and when they realized I did, they started asking me all sorts of stuff about the music pier and the amusement parks and the mini-golf and ALL THE GOOD STUFF, and I was answering them as best as I could, and then SOME OTHER CUSTOMER makes some snotty comment about how you'd think they'd at least hire people who speak English and NO WONDER their drink was taking so long.
I was FUCKING FURIOUS and I was pretty sure the woman who was talking belonged to the drink I just made -
No, I didn't do anything shady to her drink. I would never, ever do that. I swear. That is NOT the way to make the world a better place. You don't treat others the way they treat you, you treat others the way you WANT them to treat you. It doesn't always work, but if EVERYONE did that, it would.
-and so I said, in perfect English (of course my English is perfect, I was born here, you know - if I have an accent it's a Central Pennsylvania accent. It's Spanish that I speak with an accent...) this is your [whatever ridiculous drink], isn't it? I'm so sorry about the wait, there were about five people in front of you, you know.
She didn't look me in the eye, but it wasn't because she was embarrassed by what she said, she just didn't care. She was totally unphased.
I was fucking phased.
And to the tourists I had been talking to (who I guess were South American - Puerto Ricans usually speak English and they didn't speak with a Mexican accent) I loudly apologized for how rude certain Americans can be - which wasn't even necessary cause it's not like anyone was being rude to them but it's kind of a phrase you can understand whether you know any Spanish or not.
If that was my only job, it would be different. I could just brush off all the stupid daily incidents. But it's not. I've got another equally stupid job (that does pay a bit better, though...) that's just as frustrating. People grabbing the wait list out of my hands, people asking why they can't sit at the open table they see when there is clearly a lobby full of people who were there before them, people actually bringing their food to me at the host stand to show me it's burnt, as if there's something I can do about it... ask your server for a manager, idiot. Then there's people who stand at the host stand with their checks and interrupt me when I'm speaking to people who have been waiting in line to put their name in to tell me they'd like to pay, and I'm like, do you see a cash register here? Can you read? Can you read the bottom of your check where it says PLEASE PAY SERVER? Go back to your table! No, actually I say, "oh, you need to go back to your table, your server is probably looking for you, you need to pay them, not up here."
There's the people who claim they've been waiting an hour and a half when they've been there for twenty minutes, too, gotta love them.
And then of course there are the people who speak to me like I'm an idiot, speaking slowly and loudly in the most condescending tones, and ask me to repeat stuff back to them and ask me if I understand them, and act as if obviously I'm going to screw something up, or someone else is going to screw something up and they're obviously going to have a terrible experience if they don't speak up and clarify that THEY ARE VIPS right away. And before anyone can make any assumptions here, I don't think people talk to me this way because I'm disabled. I don't think they can even tell since I'm standing behind a podium and usually just using one crutch. It's not exactly invisible, it's just that people aren't very observant. They're more interested in seeing the wait list that I'm holding so they can decide for themselves how long they'll be waiting for a table.
People talk to me that way because they're rude, arrogant, and condescending, and probably because they take one look at me and see that I'm doing a kid job, a "her first job" kind of job, that's simple and insanely easy, and yet I'm not a kid, so they assume I must be mentally deficient. That's what I think it is. And it's pretty difficult to be friendly and welcoming and polite to people who interact with me that way. I dunno, the other hosts don't seem to find it as frustrating as I do, and I'm older than all of them, so I don't know how much that as to say for maturity or age or how much I've got it together compared to the rest of them. Probably nothing good.
And then on top of all that, there's the incessant babble over the headset - it's pretty hard to talk to someone when there's all kinds of stuff going on in my ear, relevant or not. I mean, it's either something like, can I get table ten bussed, table twenty five is available, can someone bring me a high chair to table thirty one, do you have a large party for table fifteen and sixteen or should I break it apart, the kitchen is crashing, you need to slow down on the seating, I need a menu count, etc, OR it's something totally absurd, like, check out the rack on table twelve, check out the crack on table forty two, hey, anyone want an apple martini, there was a mis-ring at the bar, man, I wish I had eaten dinner this afternoon, I'm starving, hey, who's in for a pitcher of beer tonight, omg, [some celebrity] is on the TV, check out how hot she is, etc.
It's driving me insane. These are THE WORST jobs I've ever had.
I have skills that go beyond this kind of crap. I'm really smart. I can pick things up quickly - I can learn a job really fast and be really accurate. I'm reliable (for now) and I'm honest, I'm not going to steal from the company or anything. I've got good communication skills - the stuff I say makes sense, and so does the stuff I write. These are good qualities that a disturbing amount of people seem to be lacking. But at the same time - I've got no documented skills and no degree. That hasn't really been a problem for me before but it's starting to be a problem now. Clearly.
I worked in an art gallery in Philly - that was a good job. I worked in an art gallery in Europe, too, and that's pretty much how I got the job in Philly. I know a lot about art cause I've pretty much grown up around artists and art and artsy people, and I've studied it on my own, and I sometimes attempt to make my own art. So I was good at the job and liked it too. Cause I learn stuff quickly I also worked in the framing shop that was part of the gallery - I made commission and I was good at that part of the job too. It wasn't the best job ever and it didn't pay much better than my restaurant job now. Actually, I think it paid less. But it didn't drive me up the wall with boredom and inanity and frustration.
And I left that job to come here.
Go figure.
Now I feel like my brain is just rotting away doing these boring easy jobs and then coming home and reading fanfic and stuff in my free time. And it's kind of starting to worry me - how long is this going to be going on? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to go back to college, so... this is what it's going to be like, isn't it? I'm never going to have an interesting, stimulating, challenging job. That was the whole point of the houses, so that I could make money off them, because I knew I'd never have a job that payed me enough to live off comfortably, because I have no skills and no degree.
Sometimes I think like I've got it together now, I'm pretty responsible and maybe I'm a little more mature than I was, and maybe I could finish school, maybe if I just went part time, maybe if I just started with one class... and then I'm like, no, the only reason I feel like I'm so together is because I'm not utterly failing at anything, like, oh, going to class and doing the work, because there is no work to do.
Ok, I'm about ranted out now, sorry for that.
What does it say about me that I intend to spend my evening reading SPN fanfic while watching SPN?
